Dad abused me - just told husband :-(

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I don't mean to downplay it but when I was 13 / 14 dad tried to pin me to the floor on one occasion and against the kitchen counter and rub himself against me. Now on both occasions I pushed him away and told him to get off.

I have never spoken about it to any except my sister - but my problem is I have a daughter who is going on 5 and when I see her give granddad a hug or sit on his lap I'm telling her to get off and it is starting to affect me.

The reason I told my husband is he would be tickling my daughter and I would be telling him to stop and he could never understand why. I have been in counseling over other issues and told my counselor, and she recommended I tell my husband.

His first reaction was - he would NEVER - hurt our daughter and I know that, but I was telling him I was projecting my fear of what dad did onto him. He told me he knew there was a reason he didn't like my dad and know he knows why.

We have both agreed that our daughter will never have a sleep over in her nanny's house and I am going up to talk to my dad to explain why.

I feel numb I think - I know it was a lot to put on my husband and now I'm unsure how he is going to react - he was very quiet through it all.

Not sure what to do know or what happens next.

Beruthiel

Have you ever seen a professional to help you get past this?
I think you should, you need to be free of it and clearly from your comments above, you are still having difficulty coping.
Very understandable considering.
Go talk to someone who will help you decide your next steps.

sardineta

Please get your counsellor to re-focus on this episode. Your husband's initial response is encouraging, but may become less so if he finds himself constantly modifying normal behaviours with his daughter because of your terrible experience, with consequences for them both: his with you and your daughter's with men in later life.

The right talking therapies will help you through this - you're well on the way, having now confronted the issue. Good luck to you all.

alegrabaroque

I`m very sorry for what you have gone through. I felt angry and sick when I read this. Does your mother know? Why is everyone ok with this? Why did your husband not punch your dad in the face? Dn`t let that monster near your child!!! And yes you should tell him that he`s a discusting perverted ba3tard LOUDLY and that thats why he`s not to come near you or your child ever again. Get angry if someone did this to your daughter how would you feel?

Final Approach

Hi OP.

First of all, I think you've taken an very important step by telling your husband about this problem. As you said, at least now both of you can work together to ensure that your daughter will never be left alone with her grandfather.

Now that your husband has assured you that he would never hurt your daughter, I'm wondering if you still feel uneasy when you witness physical affection between them? If so, maybe you should re-visit the issue with your therapist to help overcome these feelings, as has already been suggested. It is important that you do what you can to prevent this experience from affecting your own family as much as possible. It would be terrible to think that what you father did to you is going to have more of an effect on your life than it already obviously has.

I would imagine that it was a lot for your husband to take in when you told him, and would more than likely have caused him to feel a whole range of emotions - anger, sadness, protectiveness over his daughter etc., which would explain him being so quiet. I would consider this self- control on his part. Once he gets his head around everything you said, he will probably be willing to speak more about it with you. Initial shock and all that.

Finally, I agree that you should now speak to your father, and tell him how things stand. Best of Luck with it all, its not an easy situation.

dudara

Don't forget to place a lot of priority on your relationship with your husband. In a weird way, you've linked him to your Dad. You need to be sure that you don't see him that way and once you know that, you then need to make him sure of it also.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

dudara, you are correct and this is why I had spoken to the counselor, It is not because I think that my husband is abusing my daughter, as I would be done for murder - it is because the act in itself was making me feel uncomfortable because of what my dad tried to do to me. I am as I said projecting my feelings onto my husband and that is not right. We will be meeting again with the counselor next week to discuss this.

I have discussed the fact that my mother should not suffer by not seeing her grandchildren because of what my dad did and vice versa - so we have agreed that they will be allowed to see her - but I will always be there - and my dad will NEVER be allowed to be with them on his own - EVER !

My husband is so angry right now and never ever wants to be in the same room as my dad as he is afraid of what he would do - so he has asked that I never ask him to be there for any family anything as he just can't. So I accept that and am OK with that .

I am going up to my dad during the week and I have the strenght of character not cause a scene - as I don't want that - but I do want him to know what he did was wrong and unacceptable and what is going to happen from here.

I feel sad that my daughter will miss out on so much in the sense of 'staying at nannies' and summer holidays and all that - because it will never happen, and I had the fondest best memories of staying with my nanny - and to this day still smile when I think of it

There is one loser in this whole situation and it's my dad - its not even what he did, its the intent that was there.

I wonder did he try to do it to me because I am the youngest and adopted - did he not see me as his 'real daughter' and therefore its OK ?

Geog

Hope all works out for you. Work with the counsellor - it's the best route.

Latchy

Unregistered wrote: »

I wonder did he try to do it to me because I am the youngest and adopted - did he not see me as his 'real daughter' and therefore its OK ?

Quite possibly OP and understandable you might rationalise it that way .But that does not make it any less acceptable and and it was not OK .

femur61

I can't offer you any light on the situation but it is unbeleivable that such things were allowed to occur. I think you did the right thing by telling your husband and I'd have the same reaction if my daughter was in the same room as your dad. Hope all works out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Well I spoke to my sister today and explained that I was going to talk to dad this week and she lost the mind. Said that dad was now a physically sick old man and that no good would come of it and what do I expect to achieve by it, and that dad would be REALLY UPSET BY THIS !!! My god ! That dad would be really upset by this - how the Fx&k does she think I feel.

I was really hurt by her reaction - I was more hurt by the fact she said 'It's not like he actually had sex with you' - like this makes it alright :-(

She said maybe if he asks why my daughter is not allowed stay I should answer 'You know why !'

You know I am seeing her in a completely different light and am more hurt about her reaction than anything. I am going to wait until I talk to the counselor and she was she says.

Piste

Have you thought about what you're going to tell your daughter when she's older and realises that for some reason she's never allowed be in the same room as her granddad? It mightn't be for another 10 years or so, but sooner or later she'll realise something's not right and start asking questions, it might be a good idea to think of what you'll tell her so you're not caught off guard.