My mam just died please help

LegacyUser

Hi there

I am a 24 year old woman and my mother just passed away. Her funeral was yesterday.
She was such a wonderful person, strong, loving, warm, funny, and my heart is broken. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

My question is, even though she died on sunday, I still haven't cried. I just feel numb. I feel nothing. Is this normal and I am so scared that when it does happen the grief will hit me like a sledgehammer and I dont think I will be able to cope.

Also, a good friend of mine has been really good to me the last few days as his mother passed away 6 months ago. I feel like I have developed really strong feelings for him (we are both in relationships btw). do I only feel like this because he is being so nice to me and he understands what I am going through?
I never thought of him in this way before but I cant stop thinking about him. Maybe it is just because he is the only person I know who also lost a parent.

LegacyUser

You probably have developed feelings for this man because you both have underwent a terrible tragedy. Think about what else you share, apart from grief and understanding. Its natural when we are at our lowest that these feelings sometimes overwhelm us.

I can understand where you are coming from with the feelings of numb-ness. My brother and mother died in a car accident three years ago and I felt no emotion for five months. I mean absolutely nothing and I felt like a heartless prick. I just felt numb, helpless and in a way unable to make sense of what had happened. I think psychologically I hadn't accepted that they were both dead, to me, they were still alive. Even the terrible funeral didn't bring any real emotion, just stood over my mothers grave, holding my weeping sister and trying to be as calm as possible.

In my case I broke down months after the funeral with anxiety and a nervous attack. It accrued over a long period of time because I wasn't able to deal with my emotions and because I had no-one to talk to about it. I felt like I was the strong one for everyone else even though I was slowly withering away inside. Its an inexplainable feeling. After getting some help I overcame it but I did realise how maddening and stupid I was to allow it to get to such extremes. You are wise in looking for help. I won't reccomend a counsellor, because that is entirely a personal decision. But do make use of all your family and friends and be there for each other. The feeling of numbness ovecomes some people like myself but you can come through it. I hear its actully a surprisingly normal response, and it will be followed by a natural outpouring of grief at some stage. Just in my case I am quite stoic by nature so I never really show much emotion anyway, but when it did it brought me over the edge. You don't have to be like this, just be open and always talk with people you love and people who are there for you.

I'm sorry for your mother. Take care of yourself and your mental health. Talk and don't worry about not being emotional, some people are just different and bottle it up, you can't help it and don't try and force the emotions out of you. Take care.

kraggy

First of all, let me say how sorry I am to hear that. It's a very difficult time for you right now, which is why you need to look after yourself.

People deal with grief in different ways and yours is one example of what happens to someone when a loved one dies. Each case is unique, though many appear the same.

What you need to do right now is look after yourself and just go with things as they are going. You cannot force yourself to cry. You cannot force yourself to be anything at all. Just go with your emotions as they hit you whatever way that may be.

Of course, if this numb state continues indefinitely, then I would be getting concerned. But what you are experiencing right now is very common.

Regarding having feelings for your friend, all I would say is that part of minding yourself like I spoke about above includes being careful with this particular situation. It is a very confusing time for you right now and you definitely don't need anything else to further complicate the mix of emotions you are going through.

Finally, there is the possibility that things will, as you say, hit you like a sledgehammer. But refer to the second line of your post where you said that your mum was funny, warm, happy and all those wonderful things; remember her the way she would have liked to have been remembered and try to remember how she was being those things - i.e. happy. That will help you get through the grief that you are going through.

You WILL get through this. It will be tough and there will be times where you will wonder if you can get through it. But you will.

Good luck.

aare

Maybe you can't stop thinking about him to protect you from your own pain until you are ready to handle it?

...and you just aren't quite ready yet...which is fine...this is a lot of grief to handle...

I am so sorry for your trouble...and good luck from me too.

easyeason3

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It must be a terrible time for you.
The same thing nearly happened me a few months ago but thankfully things worked out & she's still with us. But at the time we were told there was no hope.
While everyone else around me was upset, I just couldn't cry. I don't know why. That's just the way I am. But once things started to look up a bit & the enormity of it sank in I went to pieces. It's certainly not the same as what you are going through but I have touched on it ever so slighty. I did unfortunately lose my Aunt who was more like a mother to me than my actual mother & it was devastating.
Basically I'd say you are still in shock & when it does hit you it will be hard, but you will get through it.
Everyone reacts in a differnet way so don't feel guilty because you're not ready to express it as openly or as soon as everyone else. It certainly doesn't mean you cared for your mother less than others.
As regards your friend in a similar situation, I could be wrong but rather than feel closer to him maybe you want a distraction to avoid the true feelings of grief?
As I said I could be completely wrong but don't think about how you think you should feel or act & let it happen naturally.
You will get upset, you will feel angry, you will grieve & you will feel happiness for knowing your mother as long as you did.
Again, you have my sympathies.

Cycalogic

Hi.
Im sorry to hear that your mother passed away.

You mention that you havent cried yet. Thats ok. Theres no right or wrong way to grieve. You are probably still in denial, especially if it was sudden. And I know it sounds insane, but the first few days after it happens, and after the funeral is the easiest to deal with. When my mother died, it was about 4 weeks before christmas and we got through christmas fine. After that, a lot of it was a blur. I cried nearly every day, I drove for hours, around in circles thinking about her, I stared at her handwriting. It made me feel so much closer to her.

If you have any siblings, dont push them away. I have one brother, 15 months younger than me - who went completely off the rails. My dad is a good bit older than my mum, and didnt really know how to deal with either of us.
Whereas I bottled everything up and tried to look after my little brother (I was 18 when she died, and he was nearly 17) he went crazy. Stayed out all night, got in with a seriously dangerous crowd, got involved with drugs and was forever getting in trouble. Dealing with him made me forget how sad I was feeling for mum, its been 2 years since she died and I think about her each day and she just feels like a distant memory. I feel completely sad and completely alone. I know i've changed for the worst, im not that quiet nice girl anymore. Im volatile and angry and rarely have a nice opinion. And I dont like who i've become.

The only advice I can offer you, is grieve when you need to grieve. Put yourself first. You need to look after you. Make sure you dont isolate yourself from your friends, or if your having problems talking to them, talk to a councillor. Don't feel bad about not going to her grave often. Don't feel bad about being happy without her. She wouldn't want that. If it helps, make a secret bebo page for her, where you can leave messages, talk to her, write her a mail. Tell her stories. Even take your frustrations out on her. It does help. And its ok not to just remember the "nice" things about her. Its ok to remember the horriblely frustrating things throughout your life.

Dont bottle up your feelings, angry or happy thoughts.
Trust me. It doesnt help.

Bitsie

Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your Mam......My own Mam died just 2 weeks ago and we are all still trying to come to terms with it. I am probably the opposite as i still have not gotten through one day without crying at least once! BUT, that is just my way, my brother on the other hand is more like you in the way he reacted. So people do react differently to such painful grief and it is normal to feel the numbness you are feeling. But one thing i would suggest is to talk about her to friends and family, think about her as many times as you want during the day and the tears will eventually follow. I know how unreal a feeling it is when you lose your Mam as i still really cant quite get my head around the fact ill never see her again........take your time, let the process work its way through and you will get through it.......
PM me if you want to talk more...

Nevyn

Sometimes it can take a while.

We go on automatic polit with all the arrangements that needs to be made and having to deal with so many people but when you get a change grief will find you. Be it a smell, a song a movie, or a joke which you think you must share with her or being unable to find soemthing in the house or wanting to ask her a question and you will feel the loss of her and tears will come.

It is normal to find yourself more comfortable with and getting close with someone who has had something similar happen to them esp when they are being supportive but that is what it is, your life is in turmoil atm.

TheQueen

Im very sorry for your loss. No advice just my sympathies. x

teachertrixibel

Hi OP,

Sorry for your loss. My mum died nearly 7 years ago when I was 26 years old. I was devastated and numb for a whole year afterwards. Eventually I just broke down but it took a year before that happened. We all grieve in different ways - there is no "right" or "wrong" way. Just mind yourself and be prepared for it to "hit" you hard at the most unlikely times.

I can't offer you any more advise except that there will come a time when you will be able to think and talk about your mum without the incredible pain and sadness you are feeling right now.... It's soooooo hard but you'll get through it. I don't believe we ever get "over" this type of thing, but you will learn to deal with it over time..

My own mum died after battling cancer and she passed away in a hospice. When I did eventually break down a year after she died I attended counselling in the hospice and it was the best thing I ever did. Again, it's not for everyone, but it helped me.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you get through this ok
Trix
x

satcie101

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom died 11 years ago when I was 18. I didn't cry or talk about her. My friends later told me that when they tried to bring up my mothers death I would change the subject.

About a year after she died it started to sink in, I think I had been partly in denial. It will be upsetting and painful but that's healthy and you will get through it.

Grief is a process individual to everyone, you will go through the different stages when its the right time. You are probably still in shock, the main thing is to accept your reactions to her death, there is nothing abnormal about them, it is just you reacting in your way.

The main thing is to take care and be good to yourself and take the support of friends and family when you need it.

Take care.

KittyeeTrix

So sorry to read about your mum OP.
My heart goes out to you. My own mum almost died last year and even that near event had a huge effect on all of her children
I don't know if there is a wrong or right way to grief, but I do know bottling up things will eventually hurt you.
As for the bloke you speak of, I'd imagine that you are maybe focusing on feelings for him as a way of not dealing with the feelings over your mum's death....in a subconcious way I mean.
Personally I believe you should deal with your mum's death before starting up anything with him and if the feelings are still there in 6 months or so, well and good, then you would be emotionally ready to start up something.....
Again, only my opinion...
But I will be holding you and your mum in my prayers

alegrabaroque

I`m so sorry for your pain. Sounds like your mind is distracting itself with this guy not suprising with what your going through. Whatever gets you through theres nothing wrong with developing something with this guy neither of you are married maybe something good will come of all this pain...

No_Regrets

I'm very sorry for your pain and I too have been through this. It's been almost 12 years since my own mother died and I was just barely a teenager. Dependent on your stage in life, situation, family upbringing etc we all deal with the loss of someone close in very different ways. There's no wrong or right way. I think you will cry and it might be extremely therapeutic. Maybe you won't for a very long time...however DO allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel regarding your mother and the tragedy that's occurred.

Be cautious about romantic feelings at this time - especially concerning your friend who's mother died. Remember if you have a bf (think you said you did) he knows you very well and wants to be there for you too...sometimes we feel that someone else who hasn't experienced losing someone so close can't help. It's not really about that, it's about the people who really truly care for you and love you being there and supporting you each and every day.

Good luck with every moment and day ahead of you. Remember to allow yourself to feel your grief in your own way. Mind yourself.

Darthhoob

when my mum died i too went numb, i only cried when i saw other people cry..but couldn't cry on my own...if that makes sense. my aunt had to look after my one year old son for two weeks as i left so numb. i also went a bit off the rails and was desperate to feel loved...so i think what you are feeling for this man could just be that. you lost someone incredibly close to you, and probably feel the need to feel wanted/loved/close to someone else. and ofc he has been there and showed you those things. it is quite common in situations like these. i am not poo poo'ing your feelings but im saying that feelings are not what they should be at this stage hun x it does get better though, with time (((hug)))

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi there

I am a 24 year old woman and my mother just passed away. Her funeral was yesterday.
She was such a wonderful person, strong, loving, warm, funny, and my heart is broken. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

My question is, even though she died on sunday, I still haven't cried. I just feel numb. I feel nothing. Is this normal and I am so scared that when it does happen the grief will hit me like a sledgehammer and I dont think I will be able to cope.

awww you poor thing.
You will cope.You might think you won't but you will.
There are they say 2 things certain in life-death and taxes.
Of course you will miss her for the rest of your life.
We all do.I've lost both parents now and I know you never forget them.It does get easier though.
Don't in the long run be too sad.They had their time here on Earth and served their purpose well.
You will still in 20 years feel sad as you wish they were there for occasions but thats natural.Don't think you are alone in that.

Also, a good friend of mine has been really good to me the last few days as his mother passed away 6 months ago. I feel like I have developed really strong feelings for him (we are both in relationships btw). do I only feel like this because he is being so nice to me and he understands what I am going through?
I never thought of him in this way before but I cant stop thinking about him. Maybe it is just because he is the only person I know who also lost a parent.

Ach don't mind that.
It's just the confusion of a crutch.
Do not act on it and be carefull aswell.
I'd advise contacting a local bereavement group by the way

Cormb

Hi OP

My condolences on your sad loss.

Regarding grief, I asked the similar questions of myself - I was worried that I wasn't grieving enough.
I believe everyone has a different cycle of grief and there is no common timescale for the outpouring or feeling of emotion - you need to do it in your own time.
That said, it is possible best to accept and acknowledge the circumstances as soon as possible - the longer you leave it, the more it will weigh down on you.

Regarding your feelings for your friend - it may perhaps be due to the connection you have via the loss of a loved one. It might be unwise to embark on a relationship when you are still in such a raw emotional state.

Best of luck.

Handsome Bob

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is, even though she died on sunday, I still haven't cried. I just feel numb. I feel nothing. Is this normal and I am so scared that when it does happen the grief will hit me like a sledgehammer and I dont think I will be able to cope.

It is normal. We all act differently to bereavement; some of us are immediately hit by it like a truck and others take time to fully take in the enormity of the loss. In my own experience, it was the latter. The only advice I can give you is to talk to the people close to your mother (those of them who want to talk about it), I found this to be most helpful as I realised I wasn't going it alone. I don't think any of us ever get over the loss of someone close, we just learn to live with it. In time, you'll learn too. You have my deepest sympathies.

Steady

Hello OP..
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I too have lost a parent recently, it's coming up on 12 months now since my Dad passed away. I have no advice for you unfortunately only to say that everyone else who has posted is correct in saying that there is no right or wrong way to deal with a loved ones passing. I find myself still in a state of in-difference about my fathers death. I don't mean in a cold uncaring way, more in a still hasn't hit me yet. I know my Dad has died but I somehow don't seem to believe it. It's quite a strange feeling, hard to comprehend, as on one hand I know he's gone but on the other I have to pinch myself at times as I'm plodding along day to day as I have always done. I do get down from time to time, but I don't cry - have cried I guess about 3 or 4 times in the past 12 months since the funeral - I don't understand my feelings and keep waiting for the bang to happen, for it all to hit to me in one sudden bang. I've often read posts like these on here and people often advise to go along with their feelings, but sometimes its hard to even know how you are feeling when your in a state of shock. Now I'm rambling and have hijacked your post. It's my first time posting but I'm a long time reader here, when I saw your post it got me to register, I guess to just let you know, your not on your own on how you feel - I'm there too. It's hard to understand, its crap and not a nice time in your life but what I've found is that you need something to cling onto, for me its distractions, may not be the best thing in the long run but thats how I've coped.