Five years but we're over now...is it for good?

LegacyUser

My head is ****ed....I was with this girl for five years, loved her to pieces though at times things were tough....i said some stuff to her thru the years, freaked out about us being together and pushed her away, let her down at a few things...well, we moved in together (not my idea) and it all went to pot. we were living with students (I'm one too) and she was in her first 'real' job and the partying was too much for her. we ended up rowing a lot, she was jealous of another girl in the house and copped that she really liked me ( I didnt realise it till we split). she went away for a weekend with mates, and when she came back, she told me she feared she'd regret settling down so young and wondered was she missing out being single (we'd been together since she was 19)....not long after, we were at a party and she walked in on me and the girl hugging (it was innocent, she'd split from her bf of 4yrs and though it was her choice, had a lot of issues) well, this really hurt her and though I originally thought she was being overly jealous, I realise it was out of line. about a week or two later I was offered tickets to go on hols last minute with my mates, the girl came along, and when I came home she had moved out...she said she couldnt take the late nights and partying and the disrespect I'd shown her...a few days later I ended things with her.

it was around this time that she'd made plans to go travelling for 6months ( I can't remember if it was for definite before the break up). I knew she wanted to be single, and didn't want her to regret settling down, and felt we both needed space. She hooked up with someone soon after at a friends house when very drunk, and very upset. if it wasnt for our mutual friend...who knows....well, I found out, and was very worried about her. i tried to convince her to come back and try again, and after a few weeks talking, we agreed that she'd be single while travelling, but not sleep wiht anyone...then we'd see where we stood when we got back. Well, she went travellign and after a few months she hooked up with a few guys for a kiss (and a bit)...she regretted it (or so she said) and told me she wanted to stay faithful. This lasted about three months, when she started talking about this male friend of hers...i found out she was seeing him and we agreed it wasnt meant to be. she came home a week after i found out and agreed to meet me....at first she was stand offish...said she was sure she wanted us off but we kept meeting up, loved each others company and ended up in bed most nights.

well, this went on for about a month until she asked for more...I wasnt sure how she really felt....i'd been meeting the other girl a few times without telling her, she got mad when she found out (nothign happened, we're just friends)...but after a few weeks I came around and commited to trying again though i refused to stop seeing my friend...until one night, about a month ago, we ended up in a long conversation...she was mad cos I didnt trust her, and cos I'd invited the other girl away on a camping trip with a friend (though later I agreed it was crossing the line). well, it turns out I was right...she admitted to kissing another guy just before coming home, and I in turn told her that though I'd promised not to be friends wiht the other girl over summer, i'd seen her a few times and made up without telling her (we were still plannign to work stuff out then)...

then came the deal breaker...the next morning, she admitted after a long time of questioning...to having slept with the guy she was seeing for a few weeks before she came home...i told her it was over for good, and i'd never get over it, and i didnt' want to see her agian. she left teh house and I didn't hear from her until a week ago when she sent a drunken txt to my mate seeing if he wanted to grab a beer and we ended up talking on the phone. I sent her an email recently in reply to hers saying she regretted how things turned out...i was a bit harsh, but truthful...told her the only reason she was with those guys was to feel pretty, that she threw away real love for a cheap thrill...thing is, my head is in a mess over her. was i right? was she just a shallow self centered head-wrecker? I tried to show her her insecurities, told her where she was going wrong, and she took it as me being abusive...she threw away our future...i feel so disgusted with her

ManOfMystery

To be honest, from reading your post it sounds as if the girl only reacted to the way you treated her with total disrespect at the beginning. What did you expect?

Silverfish

Well in all fairness now, you weren't an innocent party in all this yourself.

If my bf hopped on a plane to go on holidays with some girl I'd walked in on him hugging, then got back and dumped me, then lied to me and went off on a camping trip with her, I don't know, but I'd be pretty pissed off.

But there's two of you in it, she lied, you lied, I think you both dodged a bullet and the relationship sounded pretty toxic.

LegacyUser

OP here
The only reason either she or I were on the trip was cos I met my brother to give him money I owed, she went for the trip, he had three spare tickets and offered them to me and invited her along, and she accepted…I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, especially as I was away for my birthday and I’ve apologised a lot over it…but there was nothing going on with her…

I ended it when I got back because she’d moved out without trying to sort things, and I knew for the past year she’d been unhappy cos of me…and her admitting to wanting to sleep with other guys (I was her first) was just too much to handle. I regretted breaking up with her, and spent the next 8mths while she was travelling promising I’d make it up to her, and that I’d stop dicking about when it came to our relationship…

As for her walking in on the hug…surely I can hug my friends? I didn’t even know she was into me at this stage…even if she is, I’m not gonna stop being friends with ppl just cos she’s jealous. It seemed like she was blowing things out of proportion when it came to the other girl, ignoring our other problems and blaming it on some fantasy of hers…
i never went on the camping trip, I told her soon as she brought it up that she mattered more

mardybum

Sounds a lot like the recriminations that were going on in my now ex relationship.

It's the stage when a good thing has started to fall apart, but you still can't let go cause of the good history. I say let go now, before you hurt each other any more.

Catari Jaguar

You're ego is hurt because she had sex with another man and you aren't the alpha male anymore.

You have NO RIGHT to criticise her, verbally abuse her or point out her insecurities. You knew she wanted to be single on holidays but convinced her not to see other people? You had already split up with her! She can have sex with who ever she wants. I can't believe she agreed to go away for 6 months and stay faithful to an ex boyfriend. Sounds like you boxed her into a decision she didn't want with emotional blackmail.

She disgusts you? Cop on.

I hope it's over for good because you have a twisted and warped view of morals, relationships and your ex girlfriend.

Also, how typical that you realise the error of your ways and would try better when you knew she was leaving. People always want what they can't have. And you weren't even better were you? You saw your friend behind her back!!

LegacyUser

she didn't agree to stay faithful, and if you read my post, it was ME that suggested we take a break cos she didnt want to be faithful anymore...well, before she went away, we talked a lot and both agreed we didnt want it to end, but she should be free to see others while travelling, i drew the line at sex simply cos i dont believe she could sleep wiht someone else and still want what we had...we also kept in contact almost every day by email and phone and I really thought she wanted to come home to me, at least that's what she told me. then it turns out I was right...she can't resist temptation and threw our future away over some guy she didnt even care for

and I NEVER saw the other girl behind her back, I'm not interested, and my ex knew that too...

carlybabe1

Fair play to her, if it had been me I'd have blown you out the first time you f*ucked off on hols with another girl. And I wouldnt have kept coming back for more lies and punishment. She must have really loved you.
You say you didnt know this other girl fancied you? thats bull**** IMO, you had your girlfriend to stroke your "ego" in the bedroom, and this other girl stroking your ego when your girlfriend wasn't paying you enough attention. You weren't concerned how it made your girlfriend feel at the time, the relationship fell apart and you only have yourself to blame.
Hopefully you'll have learned your lesson

CDfm

Grown up life and student life are so different.

But really you were apart so she was free to do what she wanted too.

I am always amazed at people who force information from their partners on stuff that happens during a break and then get amazed.

If you cant take what happened well that you and thats ok.

But if you love the girl forget it and get on with her.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

she admitted after a long time of questioning...

I can just imagine the scenario - you in her face and down her throat asking questions upon questions....

I get the impression you are a bit of a bully and very controlling. She has been overly patient with you and if I were her sister I would tell her to run away as fast as she could.

You want her cos you cant have her and its worrying that you have such an issue with her sleeping with someone else. Do you have anger issues?

CDfm

SarahSassy wrote: »

I get the impression you are a bit of a bully and very controlling. She has been overly patient with you and if I were her sister I would tell her to run away as fast as she could.

Do you have anger issues?

Thats a bit OTT on the bullying and controlling and anger issues.

OP is a young enough guy coming to terms with his emotional responses which seem to be hurt with a bit of betrayal.

OP you seem sincere and in love.Both of you are prone to being a bit jealous and manipulate and you dont need to do that **** to one another.

To me you should lay of the emotional garbage and work out if you loves the girl and stop over analysing -and it obvious you do. Then if she loves you draw a line in the sand and start affresh.

Buy her a big Easter Egg.

SarahSassy

CDfm wrote: »

Thats a bit OTT on the bullying and controlling and anger issues.

Its my opinion. Thought the idea of a forum such as this was to be in a position to express your opinion.... Obviously you think otherwise.