Do I need to see someone???

pinkcocktail

this will proberly be a long one...so apologies..:P

ok well ill start from the begining, when i was 14 i was in the kitchen with my back to my mum, she was washing her hair in the sink. within minutes i heard a bang, looked around and seen my mum lying under the table. i woke my sis and she went to ring an ambulance, i stayed with my mum and got her awake, i talked to her told her she scared me and that i loved her, she fell unconcious again and that was it..she was on life support and died a week later from a brain heomorage.

bassically it distroyed me i had know one to talk to, allthough my family were grieving to i thought maybe some one would talk to me find out how it affected me. during the years i replaced my loneliness of not having my mum with boys, sleeping with them most of the time, thinking maybe this would keep them interested. while i was growing up i met a fella in a chat room i was 15 at the time and we talked constantely on the phone he listening to my problems as did i his. i had a few boyfriends too..one which lasted a year, but i just constantly kissed other men, and lashed out at hime all the time while drunk sometimes phyically.

anyways the fella from the chat room we met when i was 18 after 3 years of just talking..it was perfect. i packed my stuff and moved to the other side of the country to live with him..three years later we are still togetheir..he works nights so i find myself out of pure boredom online flirting with other men. iv never acted on any of it and have never been with anyone else but i get so tempted, but also i snap all the time, i get so angry at the littlest thing..i scare myself sometimes, its like i dont want to get so angry but i cant help myself.

i want to stop doing these things, i dont know if im like this becaus eof what happened with my mum, to this day i miss her so much and cant go a day without thinking about what happened to her and the last words we spoke:(

i dont know what kinda advice i want, but bassically from reading this what kinda impression do i give off, do i need help from someone.

thank you!:)

Orla K

My mother died when I was 11 but it wasn't sudden. I'm 24 now and it still really effects me but with me I went into myself and I still feel very uncomfortable in a room full of people. I would say go, it won't make you any worse but it will make you see why you do it and how to stop.

wylo

OP, firstly my sympathies go out to you for experiencing such a traumatic event at that age.
I believe you should definitely see someone, however I dont think that is directly related to the treatment of your boyfriend, you are emotionally cheating on him, and you seem to be using past events in your life as an excuse to why you are doing this. You come across as someone that has experienced alot in their life, but you also come across as someone that has grown up and is now settled with a decent bloke for 6 years (3 talking and 3 living right?)
To me that is boredom of your relationship, and is a seperate issue. You need to ask yourself whether you are just bored at night? Or bored of him altogether even if you do still care for him.

I reckon its probably the first one, nights do definetely have an effect on relationships, perhaps you should find out if he make any changes to that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

It sounds like you could benefit from counselling. If you go to your GP and explain how you never had anyone to talk to about your loss, he will understand and may be able to point you in the right direction. There may be specialist grief counsellors out there, I'm not sure.

Also consider support groups, there may be grief support groups in your area where you can share your feelings with people who have gone through similar experiences. This could also be cheaper than counselling, although there are some agencies that offer free counselling, depending on where u live.

I wish you all the best.

Queen-Mise

Definitely OP, you definitely need to talk to someone professional for a while, to go through the un-dealt with issues around your mother's death. That was a horrific thing for anyone to go through, and you were there when it happened.
Do not underestimate how tough what you went through was, to be so young watching your mother collapsing and losing her so quickly at such a young age.
It may even to have been appropriate to have went to counselling at the time, but hindsight is a great thing.


I am a 100% believer when we act out on things in life, like you with the phones & boys, it is expressing something we haven't dealt with or our subconscious trying to shout at us;) This acting out could be washing hands, drinking or cutting oneself - it could be absolutely anything.
The danger with leaving it un-dealt with is that it continues to get further out of control.
We all need a helping hand sometimes.

On a very practical level, can you take up up any evening activities to help pass the time and also really enjoy yourself too.

LegacyUser

The impression is of someone who has a lot of anger, probably because you just can't understand why this would happen to you. I think you should probably go and see someone, who can talk to you and help you understand how you're feeling.