Snooping?

mardybum

Do you think there are ever mitigating circumstances?

The back ground is, I was with my bf for 3 years, he went travelling for 2 years, came home in Nov, and now we're back together (about 2 months).

He was always quite bad for talking about his ex (at the start comparing me to her, telling me the little times they had together, still chatting on the phone, inviting her to a party etc) At that point, being young I held my tongue - for a while, then explained how I hated it and it made me feel jealous. He pretty much stopped. They also had a fight and stopped being friends.

Now we're back together. When he got home, but while we were being 'just friends' he told me all about his girlfriend he had while he was away(i'll call her ex no.2). How they got together, all the little details, their sex etc, until I said please I don't want to hear this.

Then we got back together, he kept talking about not only her but other girls he had been with, who had 'been in love with him' etc. We constantly fought about it. After all I've been with other people too, but I feel strongly that out of respect for your current partner, you just don't mention it. Plus, he knows it really upsets me. He's still friends with this girl, and they chat all the time online.

Okay, so we were away visiting friends abroad at the weekend, and he got so drunk that I basically lost him for a day and half. He couldnt' really remember what had happened, or why he didn't call me or text and tell me where he was. This much i totally believe, and I am 100% certain he was drunk and forgot about keepin in touch with me. As you can imagine, I was mortified. My friends didn't know what to make of it. I felt really badly treated.

We got back last night, and this morning decieded to take a break. But, he gave me his password a couple of weeks ago, and this am I opened his email and read all his chats with this ex (no.2). He basically has been calling her by the pet name they had going out (which hurts, coz he used to call me by that years ago, and doesnt any more), tells her hes confused, may have made a mistake, calls her hot and his chat pic of her is her in bed wearing just a towel. Writing this is making me feel sick. He was doing this since weeks and weeks ago. She doesn't really recipricate at all, just said that he's had his chance. She lives abroad btw, so I know he can't literally cheat. I just feel his lack of respect has been astounding.

Obviously our relationship is totally shot to pieces, I know that. I'm just worried about my future in relationships. Am I crazy for doing what I've done or did he drive me to it?

Would you put up with your bf or gf talking about their ex, calling them pet names and being close friends with them?

liah

Don't get back together with him. He obviously doesn't respect or value you like he should, especially judging by the fact he's telling his ex he "made a mistake" and all that rot.

He's a waste of space and you can do so much better.

Kimia

Oh good lord what an awful awful person. You are well rid.

But since you know that already, then yes you were justified. You'll probably get a load of people here telling you that it was wrong bla bla and you should trust him but in fairness women's intuition is a lot of the time spot on.

The short answer is, in general, snooping is bad. However, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't think there was good reason, which there was.

You don't sound the possessive type so don't worry about it in future relationships. Trust has to be earned but DO NOT go into a new relationship thinking that he's going to cheat because that's very unhealthy.

Give future boyfriends the benefit of the doubt and go in to the relationship as untainted by this a**hole as possible.

prinz

He sounds like an ass. Stay well clear. You also have issues so you might both be better off.

Hopefully when a better guy happens along you will have more respect for each other.

Myself and my gf are both still friends with our ex's. We accept that we both obviously felt something for these people at one time and respected them so don't see the deal. We don't rub it in each others faces, but we don't see the need to cut them out of our lives.

Oh The Humanity

Oh God, that is awful OP. I am so sorry.

Listen you will be vilified on here from top to bottom for snooping so dont expect objective opinions.

IMHO he is 100% bang out of order and you were totally justified in furnishing yourself with the facts. He wasn't exactly forthcoming.

You would have been a mug not to, you dont have much choice only to dump him now.

SueWho

Given the way he treated you before it ended and the fact that he gave you his password himself then I wouldn't feel too guilty about having a look.

I find it amazing to see so many people say "we fight all the time" when they talk about their relationships. This is not normal. Thank yourself lucky that you are no longer with him and next time make sure you're with someone who treats you well and does not abandon you for drink in another country.

prinz

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Oh God, that is awful OP. I am so sorry.

Listen you will be vilified on here from top to bottom for snooping so dont expect objective opinions.

IMHO he is 100% bang out of order and you were totally justified in furnishing yourself with the facts. He wasn't exactly forthcoming.

You would have been a mug not to, you dont have much choice only to dump him now.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Nothing subjective about that. .

Still, sentiment is the same cut him loose.

tbh if my gf was acting like that I never would have taken her back to begin with.

Katgurl

ugh you've been going out with my ex I don't envy you one bit. Walk away & doh't look back. You'll be over him a lot quicker than you think.


As for the snooping, I found myself behaving in very out-of-character ways with my lying ex too. I have a real respect for privacy usually and was so ashamed of my actions. Forgive yourself & move on remembering how crap it made you feel if you ever find yourself considering such behaviour again. With my next boyfriend i wouldn't have dreamed of it and neither will you.

Oh The Humanity

prinz wrote: »

Two wrongs don't make a right. Nothing subjective about that. .

Still, sentiment is the same cut him loose.

tbh if my gf was acting like that I never would have taken her back to begin with.

Indeed, but of course life is rarely that neat. As for right and wrong, neither are absolutes but anyway!

Im not advocating snooping for recreation, as in "ah my BF/GF is out for the day, I think I will busy myself by hacking their accounts and reading their bank statements" kind of snooping!

Im advocating the other kind, snooping with intent, or "I snooped in self defence your honour"

Joking aside, though I think everyone agrees he needs to be given his marching orders.

mardybum

Hey thanks everyone for your input, sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees so it's good to get some objective opinions.

I knew pretty much before I went looking for emails that dude didn't respect me and had no control, and so was gettin dumped, but the ex girlfriend thing just pushed me over the edge. Where the f are his boundarys??

Wasn't gonna tell him that I saw what he was up to online, but will now.

Thanks everyone

Redpunto

Glad to see your getting well rid

IRISH RAIL

Hi op
I wouldnt even bother telling him you looked.
Id just say you have had enough of him and leave it at that.
as for the snooping I found out my ex had cheated on me like that
I would have found out shed been with loads of other guys aswell if I had of done it sooner.
moral of the story
Snooping is tolerable if the suspicions are there.
But always be prepared for what you find.

Terodil

Meh, I think you're doing the right thing giving him the marching orders. But don't get it into your head that you can snoop around at the slightest tickle in your ear, or that history repeats itself. Snooping is such a massive breach of trust... what if he hadn't cheated on you? He would have had every right to dump you. Be careful with such things.

mardybum

Yeah, I guess I feel that there was enough signs that something was going on that I had a right to find out and not be played for a fool.

You're right though, there is absolutely no way I'm ever doing it again.

Thanks everyone.

mardybum

Hey just as a final post note,

I broke up with him, and we exchanged 'stuff' yesterday. Was kinda funny coz a charity guy jumped in path with a big grin on his face just as I got to my ex! I was like, not a good time. Actually seeing him was tough. (We conducted our break up by email btw, think face to face conversation might have degenerated into crying/snot/me hitting him etc) :rolleyes:

Can't believe how nasty it all got, and how really heartbreaking it is. Dude used to be a lovely guy and all we see now is each others bad bits. Of course I still feel his were worse than mine.

Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to everyone here again for that bit of extra support I got.:o