Get out now or carry on?

LegacyUser

First let me explain my situation..

I'm a young enough lad of 19, in college and working part time at weekends etc. I started working there this time last year, and started getting very friendly with a lad and 2 girls there, all around my age. Started going out on the piss with them quite often during the summer, often 2 and 3 nights a week. Anyway, I began getting close to one of the girls, who now happens to be my girlfriend. We have been together almost 8 months now, and I can safely say I love her. She is 24 and been through two long relationships which both ended quite badly. She is also my first girlfriend.

Over the 8 months we have had our ups and downs. The bad times always seem to come when I try and introduce her to my friends. On the occasions that she was introduced to my female friends we had really bad rows where she said they made her felt really bad and I didnt even stand up for her. It always comes back to me 'licking their arses before i knew her.' Also when I introduced her to my best lad friend, he came across quite obnoxious to her as he was hammered, but I said it to him and he told me to say sorry to her. Anyway, we always seem to make up after a lot of shouting, crying and me saying sorry...(for what i am still unsure)

Anyway, she knows I don't enjoy going on the piss anymore, I got quite bored of it, and every sunday she still insits on going out, and making me go along. Even when I insist i am not in the mood to drink i end up getting drinks bought for me and pressured into downing them. When we go out on these sundays, she often gets quite drunk and starts bringing up all our fights and the reasons for them, and again I get quite upset over this as everytime we almost break up i say we shud leave it and carry on as friends, but she insists she is over the reason why we fought in the first place...she obviously isn't, which i understand why, if she was that upset it would be very hard to forget. she also tells me how other lads love her and how they would stand up for her in these situations...i dont want to hear that

another thing, she also insists that we have to see each other every day, which i am finding very hard to handle, i am the kind of guy that just needs a night off every now and again to sit at home and be alone, and also i now dont see too much of my friends because of it. i am even afraid to introduce her to any more of my good friends and i feel like i am leaving them in the dark. my college course is even taking a hit because of it, we had a fight during my christmas exams and i ended up doing very badly, not to mention missing a lot of lectures due to her wanting to do things.

whats worst of all is that i am afraid to talk to her about these things, which makes it quite an unhealthy relationship.

i dont really know what i should do, do i try talk to her, take it as it comes, have things mended for a few months only to fall back into the same routine? or do i just try and end things now and try and carry on as friends, which i highly doubt will happen. i can see her never talking to me again if we broke up. i do love her but i'm starting to feel quite down because of my situation.

bluecell99

Shes immature to say the least,she is sapping all your self confidence,she is making you unhappy and it seems she is developing a drink problem

Bottm line is its a destructive,head - wrecking situation you are in.You dont need it.

Get out now.

fcleere

she got mental problems man!
seriously, your only 19 you dont need that fuppin shyt! abandon ship

LegacyUser

i have posted in this forum once or twice before while we were having one of these break ups, and in every case the general consensus was that she was immature.

i dont think she is developing a drinking problem as such, she just never stopped living the student life when she finished college. after her final year, she decided to take a year out, this year, and only works 2 or 3 days a week. its ok for her to be able to go out and get hammered every sunday, she doesnt have to be in college on monday and can lie in bed all day. the problem is its usually my bed, meaning i can't go into college as i have to nurse her all day as she gets the drinks from the previous night out of her system...

the thing is, she is going through a hard enough time in her life, no idea what she wants to do, brothers all moved out and one gone abroad, sick parent and tends to unload everything on me. to make matters worse she tells me all she cares about is me and can see her spending the rest of her life with me. that scares me to say the least, i do love her, but i'm 19 and dont really want to think that far ahead just yet...

IWishh

It sounds like you're exhausted, which isn't surprising from the kind of relationship your in.
I think you know yourself its time to end it but you're feeling bad about it - making excuses for her like her past bad breakups. But really you should be thinking about whats best for you.
A good healthy relationship shouldn't mean college work or friendships suffering and if there isnt the possibility of talking to her about it and getting through to her then... get out.

*Honey*

Based on your post, she seems to lack confidance herself, she is making you doubt yourself, it's affecting your relationships with your other friends and your college work. I'm sorry but it sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship.

Can I ask you what are you getting out of this relationship? What does it provide you with? Why would you stay in it?

If you can answer these questions, I imagine you'll know the answer to your post. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

*Honey* wrote: »

Can I ask you what are you getting out of this relationship? What does it provide you with? Why would you stay in it?

i read that with a lump in my throat, admitting upset to realisation...

i feel it provides me with a good friend during the 'good times.' Between the break ups and fights, we do get along well, really well for that matter. we have had great fun, but its always in the back of my mind that i am spending too much time with her, sometimes not by choice. i guess i am staying in it more for her, and also for the enjoyable moments we have together.

KittyeeTrix

You get one chance when you are 19 to do things the easy way i.e go to college, have some fun and at the end of it get a good degree which will carry you through into a good career.
Do not let this girl f**k it up for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will feel like a fool when 10 years from now you are married maybe with kids and when they ask you "Dad, can we go to the cinema this weekend", you have to say no, because you are working at a crap job for crap money......
All because you let this muppet of a girl distract you from your studies.....
You should be enjoying life right now and not be locked into arguments like this

If she is like this now, can you even begin to imagine what she will be like ten years from now with kids?

LegacyUser

Jesus, what a horrible relationship to be at such a young age. OP you need to get out of it, it sounds like she has so many problems that no amount of talking will change her, sorry if this sounds harsh but she just sounds like a possesive freak and your far too young to be caught up in that kind of a relationship. Get out and meet a girl who will treat you well and not like this, if she's like this after 8 months what will she be like in a year or 2 down the line? You'l prob be tied up in the kitchen not allowed outside the door. I don't understand how any men can put up with girls like this tbh. Sometimes love doesn't conquer all.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

i have posted in this forum once or twice before while we were having one of these break ups, and in every case the general consensus was that she was immature.

i dont think she is developing a drinking problem as such, she just never stopped living the student life when she finished college. after her final year, she decided to take a year out, this year, and only works 2 or 3 days a week. its ok for her to be able to go out and get hammered every sunday, she doesnt have to be in college on monday and can lie in bed all day. the problem is its usually my bed, meaning i can't go into college as i have to nurse her all day as she gets the drinks from the previous night out of her system...

the thing is, she is going through a hard enough time in her life, no idea what she wants to do, brothers all moved out and one gone abroad, sick parent and tends to unload everything on me. to make matters worse she tells me all she cares about is me and can see her spending the rest of her life with me. that scares me to say the least, i do love her, but i'm 19 and dont really want to think that far ahead just yet...

Unregistered wrote: »

i read that with a lump in my throat, admitting upset to realisation...

i feel it provides me with a good friend during the 'good times.' Between the break ups and fights, we do get along well, really well for that matter. we have had great fun, but its always in the back of my mind that i am spending too much time with her, sometimes not by choice. i guess i am staying in it more for her, and also for the enjoyable moments we have together.

left these two posts, but they have only recently been approved and posted up so not sure many people saw them...

is there such thing as a healthy break up?

I know in my head it's the best thing for me to do. The thing is, I now see her as a really good friend, and if we didnt have this relationship to worry about, I could see us getting on great. With that in mind, i'd like us to go back to being just really good friends, but somehow i don't think she would let that happen.

What is the best way to go about ending the relationship side of things and keep the friends side? Do i just tell her exactly what i'm thinking, prbably endure a lot of crying on both our parts, and probably never talk again? She already knows there is something on my mind recently as she tells me i have been sleeping uneasy, mumbling in my sleep and generally restless fidjeting, she keeps asking if i'm annoyed at something or if theres something bothering me, i tell her there isn't as i havn't the balls to tell her the truth.

LegacyUser

^^^^^^^

anyone?

please...

Sinall

It sounds like your girlfriend is not capable of having a healthy relationship at the moment - there are probably issues that she needs to address herself. She doesn't sound happy herself and your relationship isn't happy.

Regarding the friends situation, you have to be realistic - you can't seamlessly move from being boyf/girlf to friends. You can't just cut out some stuff and keep the rest. If you know that breaking up is the right thing to do (and it seems like you do) then you just have to do it. Maybe one day you can be friends but it's unlikely now.

LegacyUser

what would be the best way to go about ending things in a mature manner? bearing in mind that i will still see her most weekends in work..

shellyboo

Unregistered OP wrote: »

is there such thing as a healthy break up?

There is... but I don't think you're in a position to have one with this girl.

Unregistered OP wrote: »

With that in mind, i'd like us to go back to being just really good friends, but somehow i don't think she would let that happen.

What is the best way to go about ending the relationship side of things and keep the friends side?

This is almost always a really, really bad idea. Especially in this case, where she's so into you and you're not so much into her... she is going to be heartbroken, I'm sorry to say. And the best thing you can do in that case is give her space to heal. If she's still in love with you, you being around as her "friend" is going to make it impossible for her to get over you, and that's just unfair on her.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

This is almost always a really, really bad idea. Especially in this case, where she's so into you and you're not so much into her... she is going to be heartbroken, I'm sorry to say. And the best thing you can do in that case is give her space to heal. If she's still in love with you, you being around as her "friend" is going to make it impossible for her to get over you, and that's just unfair on her.

it would be quite hard to avoid contact as we work in the same place and see each other in work almost every weekend. is there anything i can do with this in mind?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

kevmy

She has issues. Most of the problems seem to be stemming from her side. You say she had two bad break-ups/relationships these have obviously affected her and the issues from those are seeping into your relationship.

Your also 19 and she is your first real relationship this means you don't know how to handle her or her issues, which probably doesn't help (not your fault btw just stating it as I see it).

I think you have to break up with her but you obviously care about her. You have to think of it as if you had a friend who was acting as she is what would you do? Most people would probably tell the friend that they are going wrong give it to them straight and hope the get through it.

You have to do something similar here. You have to tell her you think she has problems, with self confidence, trust, too much going out and not thinking about you enough. It might sound selfish but it'll help her more than you by telling her this. Sit her down and be honest. Tell her you will support her emotionally if she wants but that you can't go out her anymore. It's affecting your college and your life with friends. Tell her you still like her and that if she does sort out her issues it's possible you might get back together. But right now your need a break.

Also make sure you do this when she is sober not when your out drinking. Also be prepared for her not to like you or to take your advice straight away. But in terms of a healthy break up - it's certainly healthy for you and probably for her in the long term

LegacyUser

first of all i just want to thank everyone so far for the advice and support.

i have posted two comments that have only been approved now and feel they may have gone unnoticed so want to bring them up again. i now feel, after reading what everyone thinks of my situation and what i should do, that it would be in my best interests to end things sooner rather than later. i would like to carry on as friends, but i understand that may not be able to happen now. the problem is, we both work in the same place, and i would generally work with her every weekend. is there anything i could do to improve the situation other than leaving the job and never seeing her again? as i dont think i could afford to financially right now.

she often admits that she is really low in self-confidence and that she had to go to councelling as a child as a result of it, this is often brought up during our 'break-ups.' she has other underlying problems that are also brought up quite a bit.

she has her driving test first thing tomorrow morning, and i am unsure as to whether i should bring all this up when i see her tonight, or just act as normal until the test is over and tell her tomorrow?

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

it would be quite hard to avoid contact as we work in the same place and see each other in work almost every weekend. is there anything i can do with this in mind?

Ooh, that will be awkward. Be civil and nice, but keep it professional as possible I'd say.

pipelaser

Because shes your first girlfriend it will be very hard to break up with her, but even if you do the more difficult part will be staying away from her and not getting back together where the same pattern will come back.

Just be prepaired for her to apologise and tell you that shes going to change and remember thats its highly unlikely. Prob better to break all contact. May be difficult with the part time job.

LegacyUser

she has her driving test first thing tomorrow morning, and i am unsure as to whether i should bring all this up when i see her tonight, or just act as normal until the test is over and tell her tomorrow?

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

She is 24 and been through two long relationships which both ended quite badly.

Think that could have flashed warning signs?

Depending on how long they were she probably hasn't matured emotionally or psychologically on her own, to the point of being able to participate in a meaningful relationship.Could she have been in these relationships from her early/mid teens to now?

The age difference also points to this, could it be she still sees herself as a teen, and your equal? Because she isn't.So does her partying, and the fact you yourself say she hasn't grown out of the 'student life'.

She's going to have to wake up and mature sooner or later. Well later, obviously. Tbh you seem far more grounded and mature than she does so cut her loose and go enjoy a proper relationship. She will drag you down with her if you don't.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Definitley do not tell her tonight before her driving test, this is the worst thing to do. Tell her after but then if she passes she'll think you are trying to ruin her good mood, basically breaking up is never easy and there's never a right time to do it but it sounds like this is the only option for this relationship.

She sounds like an incredibly immature girl and she needs to be on her own for a bit to grow up and you need to enjoy your youth!

LegacyUser

she often admits that i'm a lot more mature than she is, and even her parents think i'm mature for my age.

another thing I forgot to point out is that i still feel my age bothers her. often in our heated arguements she calls me a child, and that i havnt experienced things because i'm just a child. she also told her parents i was 20 when we first started seeing each other, and still hasnt broken to them that i'm 19.

i will leave what i have to say until tomorrow, which i thought would be for the best anyway, i just need to find the right way to say it.

its getting quite hard for me because she keeps texting me telling me she loves me and cant wait to see me later. its going to be hard for me to act normal this evening...

Redpunto

First off you sound very mature for a 19 year old and have the sense to get out as this is not what loving relationships should be like.

Tell her after the test - she probably wouldnt even do it if you told her before hand.

LegacyUser

Redpunto wrote: »

First off you sound very mature for a 19 year old and have the sense to get out as this is not what loving relationships should be like.

Tell her after the test - she probably wouldnt even do it if you told her before hand.

thank you:)

to be honest, i don't think she would do the test if i told her. that didn't bother her tho when we had a huge row the day before my christmas exams started.

i have a feeling it's not going to be a very nice break up at all, should make for plenty of screaming and argueing on her part as things are usually my fault, so why should this be any different.

*Honey*

It's rare to have a "nice" break up - normally both sides aren't on the same page.

I think when you answered my post, you knew yourself what you had to do. I agree with everyone that the girl has issues and it's admirable you would like to help her through these as a friend - however, she wants much more than that (emotionally I mean) and I fear she may not address her issues if she continually is getting sufficient attention via her behaviour to not deal with them. Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we see what we need to do.

There are few cases where staying friends will work I'm afraid - given you work together, it's going to be awkward but you'll have to be strong. At 19, you need to focus on your college work and your future career (especially in this economy), not being the only emotional support for a girl who has seemingly pretty major issues.

I wish you luck.

LegacyUser

Its going to be difficult for me, she expects me to call over this evening. Do i act normal until her test is over and come out of the blue with what I have to say? Or do i say it all tonight, risk her not doing her test, and taking it out on me?

*Honey*

To be honest, if she decides not to do the test, it's her choice. If you really want to make sure she does it, just don't go over to her tonight.

At some point you have to think about you in all this.

LegacyUser

wasnt planning on going over tonight, but a text broke out over text message, so decided to go and get things right.

after a lot of talking, crying, silence and more talking, 3 and a half hours to be exact, we decided to give things one last shot. before people go saying i am silly to let this carry on etc. let me explain myself..

basically, i have always been afraid to tell her things in fear of her opinion. we started going out in the summer, when we had time to see each other easily every day, when it was still fresh and exciting. we then grew used to this and felt the need to see each other every day, making me miss out on hanging out with friends etc. I told her this, and she said she thought I wanted to see her every day, and that she would never have known if I didnt tell her. She feels exactly as I do about needing a day or 2 off a week to be alone, see friends etc. She also said that she wants to wipe things clear, start afresh, clean slate etc. forget the past and look into the future, and never bring up past fights again. she said she would even give up drinking for me...a bit extreme, not what i want but howandever..

she convinced me to give it one last shot, make the relationship a little freer, and she asked that i not be afraid to tell her stuff and not bottle it up and have it end like this again, she will understand.

I think this is the perfect example of not being able to fully relax in a relationship, but now that we have both got things off our chests we are going for one last try, and said if she ever fails to keep to any of her promises she will understand the break up.

hopefully i am not making the wrong decision here, and thank you all for your help

LegacyUser

It's good you talked things out OP but it doesn't sound like it's truly what you want, deep down, and maybe her tears worked their magic on you. I don't mean to sound harsh and maybe I am wrong and if so I hope it all works out BUT you need to make sure not to fall into these old patterns in the future, hopefullys it doesn't happen and maybe this is the scare she needed to make her cop on.

Best of luck and keep us updated!

LegacyUser

Well, low and behold, another fight has erupted!

Was I foolish to think things might be better after our talk?

I'll go into detail on this occasion..

Went out for dinner with her on friday night, as she was supposed to go out with her parents and when they decided they didnt want to, I had to fill the position. Spent some of the little money i earn from one or two days a week on lunch for the both of us already that day. Anyway, as whatever way things had fallen in work, we both had the next night off, a good friend of mine's girlfriends (who also happens to be a friend of mine) 21st birthday. She asks over dinner what we could do on saturday night. I ask would she like to go to the 21st and she says "no I don't really want to go, you go I don't mind." So naturally I say ok, thinking grand, a night to spend with old friends. So anyway, fast forward to today, I ring her after work, assuming she remembers about the 21st, she tells me her friend asked her to go out with her tonight, but my gf refuses as she has work tomoro adn would like to stay at home tonight, fair enough. So i call over with her easter egg as we wont see each other outside of work tomoro, ask her as soon as i got there if she thought about going to the 21st, nothing, hint twice more about it when she asks what i'd like to do and i ask her to go to the 21st. Then I tell her i made a promise to my frinds that i'd go, and it kicks off. She tells me she's not annoyed with me, just upset, and understands it was a misunderstanding on both our parts. She was clearly annoyed and told me to go as we would both be annoyed either way. I ask her to tell me anything she has to before i leave so she wont text me. She says no, so i leave. 2 minutes down the road the texts start again.

So now with a detailed description, can someone please tell me is it my fault? Am i in the wrong?

blogga

YOU'VE OUTGROWN HER. RUN.

cafecolour

Sorry to be harsh, but here it goes. From reading the thread, she is manipulative, emotionally immature, and entirely self-centered. She's the worst type of 'older person' to date - she's almost predatory and dating someone younger in their first relationship so she can walk all over you and get her way all the time. She's a control freak, who if she has her way, will slowly try and isolate you from your friends.

From your latest episode, I doubt she 'forgot' about the 21st. She didn't want to go out with your friends, didn't want you going out with your friends, and when you wouldn't relent, tried to guilt you and ruin the night for you.

Leave her. Period. Say good bye, and then cut off all contact. Leaving your job might be better than getting stuck dealing with a head-wrecker like her.

*Honey*

This is not going to get any better. It will kick off again (it has) and you end up feeling you've done something wrong - you tell her to be honest with you so to avoid the texts, she says "I've said it all" and how long later do the texts start?

Honestly, you need to see the wood for the trees here - SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, THIS ISN'T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER.

I can't be more blunt than I have - I had my doubts about you trying again but hey it could have worked; I could have been proven wrong.

Leave - leave her and get on with your own life. This WILL NOT get any better.

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like this relationship is very one sided. She's trying to control you and she seems to be doing it quite well.
You should NEVER drop your mates for anyone, particularly someone who you are having a lot of problems with. I was with a guy for years and he dropped a lot of his friends (through no fault of mine) but I kept in touch with my girls. When we split up I had the support of all my friends and he has no one. Be very careful.

I think you know deep down that you need to split from her, you are just afraid to admit it to yourself.

You have to think past the whole break up and to when you meet a new girl who is more suited to you and could make you so much more happier.