Husband cheated with Dominatrix...what now?

BELL X2

My husband had an affair with a work colleague when I was 4 months pregnant, I won't go into too much detail but after many tears & discussions I decided to give him a chance to make things right. We took things very slowly with lots of counselling and finally 1 year on we have a good relationship and a beautiful baby boy.
However, over the weekend I found an email from my husband to two girls, thanking them for a great night, and asking them if they are still around. My heart sinking all over again, I confronted him about it. He told me he had paid two girls to perform domination and humiliation on him. How he saw the ad in the paper, was curious and organised a meeting. I felt physically sick. Again I won’t bore u with the details but he told me the reason he went was because he thinks very little of himself, that sometimes he feels nothing, like he is dead inside. He thought (bizarrely) by having someone humiliate him, tell him he is ugly, worthless etc. it would provoke some sort of feeling.
At this point I don’t know what to think, what to believe.

All I know is that he has betrayed my trust once again. Because we live so close to family I have decided that we will keep up the ‘happy family’ pretence until I can figure out what to do. I feel completely alone, I don’t want to tell close friends/family because I did the last time and it just made things harder for me/us to move on.
He says that he thinks he has some deep rooted issues and will start seeing a councillor this week to try and figure himself out. That he loves me, loves our son, loves the life that we have together and doesn’t understand why he wanted to do something like this after all we went through last year.

At the moment, I’m not speaking a whole lot to him unless it’s relating to our son, he is sleeping in another room and we’re just going through the motions of pretending everything is okay when others are around. Obviously this can’t last but I just need some time to get my head around it all and that’s what led me here. Has anyone ever been in my position or even his? Does my husband deserve yet another chance? How can I heal from all this hurt and mistrust?

Aside from all of this I still love my husband, he is a wonderful person and a fantastic father. We are pretty normal people, we spend a lot of time together, we rarely argue and we have a good understanding of each other. He (like lots of men) finds it difficult to discuss personal stuff but I’m fairly open which helps us work well through any issues. We are married almost 2 years but were together for 7 years before that. I have never been unfaithful, and genuinely don’t think I have given him any reason to be unfaithful. He did tell me through anger that he feels I don’t appreciate him enough, that he sometimes feels he’s just an extra in my life. Our sex life is very poor, while we both enjoy it when it happens it only ever happens once a month or so. We have discussed this issue umpteen times, always agreeing to make more of an effort but then slip back into old ways again.
Generally my husband doesn’t make any attempt to get intimate, I feel rejected and say nothing. Then when I eventually discuss it with him, he tells me he’s tired/lazy/finds it difficult to make the first move after it’s been so long etc. I tell him I feel he doesn’t want me or find me attractive which prevents me from making the first move. Then he makes the effort, we have a great time, we act like honey-mooners for about a week then a month passes and the same cycle begins again. It’s been like this for years. It does bother me, but I just decided that this was the way it was going to be, that every other part of our relationship was good and that I had so much to be thankful for.
Anyway that’s my story so far, if anyone out there can give me some advice I’d be very grateful.

All I want is to be happy and enjoy my life which is what I was before my husband dropped this bombshell, now I feel completely alone, scared of what the future holds. My main concern is our baby son, he means the world to us both and the thoughts of him not having his mummy & daddy together breaks my heart. At this stage I feel I’m willing to put up with all this drama for my sons sake, as long as my husband can assure me he’ll work at these issues or fantasies or whatever it is that makes him turn his back on us and do what he does. Am I completely mad to even consider this?

Nitxteha

This could happen in the best families. Get help yourself first of all. You need to talk to somebody. Go to a psychologist or to a family therapist.

I wouldn't give details of this to friends or family now, but you don't need to torture yourself pretending all is marvellous in front of others. Let them know you are going through a bad time (without details)

Get control of yourself first, and then approach your husband's problems, which seems to be quite a few personality problems.

Whatever you do, don't let this affect your self-steem. This is something he did, and he did wrong.

I hope things get better for you soon x

prinz

BELL X2 wrote: »

he told me the reason he went was because he thinks very little of himself, that sometimes he feels nothing, like he is dead inside. He thought (bizarrely) by having someone humiliate him, tell him he is ugly, worthless etc. .....He did tell me through anger that he feels I don’t appreciate him enough, that he sometimes feels he’s just an extra in my life....

So the girls he pays to treat him like crap and he gets off on it.... then he says you don't appreciate him enough and he resents you for it?


I commend you for trying to put your marriage, and your family first but if your OH cannot do that same then there is no happy future. He does this once, you deal with it and move on. He's still doing it??

You'd be better off without him tbh. He is making you feel bad and inadequate etc. Don't put up with that kind of emotional torture. You haven't done anything wrong. It's his problem his issue. And if I were you I'd let him do whatever he wants on his own.

He's trying to manipulate and coerce you into some warped thing he has going. Don't go for it.You could do better without his mind games.

As for "this could happen in the best families", uhm no I'd have to disagree with that. There is so much wrong with the scenario here it is disturbing.
Lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of fidelity, lack of change ........so so many.

He IS an extra in your life. An extra you could really do without until he sorts himself out.

LegacyUser

Were you aware of this side of him before finding this out? It's a very big thing to keep secret I think. If so, it is very sad, because I think it undermines your whole relationship from the very start, not just since he did this.

BELL X2

Hi guys - I've just reposted my thread, as some of it was missing. Thanks so much for your responses....and advice. I agree with both of your opinions, that's why I'm finding it all so difficult because my head tells me one thing and my heart another. Most of me thinks he's just sick in the head for wanting to do this, that he really couldn't care less about either of us...or rather not care enough to consider cheating again, given the consequences. But then I feel sorry for him, I know this great side to him and all this other stuff is like a different person to me - someone I don't know. Now I wonder did I ever really know him.

Nitxteha

what I meant by "this could happen in the best families" is that it could happen where less unexpected. I'm NOT saying that the situation is normal or acceptable.

prinz

BELL X2 wrote: »

But then I feel sorry for him, .

He's making you feel sorry for him as if he's the victim in all of this. Don't! He has to make a decision about what he wants.What he values more.

The more I think about your situation the more disgusted by his behaviour I get.

LegacyUser

Firstly, he cheated on you and then paid for the services of pro-dommes. He is unhappy and will ultimately destroy you by chipping away at your self-esteem with his selfish behaviour.

I was in a long term relationship with a married man who craved certain sexual acts that his wife would not engage in and that he would not ask her to do. Also, he wanted companionship with a woman with whom he had more in common. (I was married at the time and was unhappy. The affair was a symptom of my unhappiness; the sex itself was not what I was looking for but the companionship. Yes, I'm ashamed so please don't lecture me.) I don't think his wife ever found out about us but she had her suspicions he was cheating. He is more than likely still cheating on her and I'm sure he still uses prostitutes, which he did when he was with me, too.

He was exceptionally manipulative and made everything to be his wife's fault and also mine. It seems wrong that I as the other woman (not any more because we split) am better off for being rid of him whilst she is still with him. I hope his wife leaves him because she deserves better just like you do. If you need to live together for financial reasons, don't let it be more than that. Please don't let anyone convince you to stay together for the sake of your child because your child will pick up on the tension between you both as they grow. Ask yourself if you want your relationship with this man to be the example you will be giving to your child should you stay together.

Do what is best for you and your well-being. If this means staying with someone who treats you like this, then so be it. Just make sure you're willing to live with yourself.

BELL X2

I'm back! Firstly I just want to say a BIG thanks to you all for your input, I found it really constructive and I think I just needed to see it all written down in front of me.
I've had a couple of days to myself to do some serious thinking and I've made my decision to call it day! I know I don't deserve any of this and it wouldn't be fair on anyone to take him back for the sake of my little boy coz I know in my heart that would be the only reason...and that just wouldn't sit right with me for the rest of my days.
So I've told him my decision...and like before he's doing/saying everything to make me change my mind but the great think about 'once bitten twice shy' is that I've heard it all before, and it really doesn't bare any weight with me. This time I'm not 4 months pregnant, I'm not in shock and I'm thinking clearly. The funny thing is I feel a huge weight has been lifted. After he cheated on me last year I went ahead a gave him another chance coz I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But they don't deserve a third (not when there's so much at stake). I know if I hadn't decided to make it work I would have always wondered what if and I owed it to my son and myself to try to make it work. I now know that it never will and I feel satisfied in myself that I gave it my all but it just wasn't meant to be.
I know the future will be tough being a single parent, but without a doubt happier! I'll never have to keep looking over my shoulder or wondering is he telling the truth. I'm dreading telling my family, especially my parents coz it'll break their hearts. However I have a fantastic family and group of friends that will support me thru thick and thin and just knowing that makes everything okay.
..... and who knows maybe one day I'll get a second chance!!

Salome

It's not an easy decision to make and I can see you've given it some thought. I have to say I think you've done the right thing.

NTLsucks

ok be honest how much weight have you put on since you got married? im guessin you have drifted into the comfort zone and he has lost attraction for you. seen it happen lots of times.

Nevyn

NTLsucks you seem to be new to this site and to this forum, so I suggest you are the rules
for posting in this forum which you will find here in the charter
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055505390

And that you take the time to have a look here also.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055461510

Dub-girl88

You really did make the right decision. My dad had an affair and my mam took him back. He cheated again so they ended it. I'v never seen my mam more happier then she is now. It was hard for her at first but now she has moved on. She even has a better life then i do. Goes out with her friends every weekend!!

When your son got older he would of noticed thing weren't right. I hated all the tension in my house and i was glad when my dad moved out. Now our house is peaceful again.....

Your only young, you will find love again.

Final Approach

OP Well done for making a very difficult decision. You will not regret it.

carlybabe1

Fair play OP, Im really happy for you that you realise your own worth, and I totally understand about feeling like you had to give him a second chance for fear of regret. Dont let your family talk you round though, cause besides anything else, christ knows what he could pass on to you if hes using prostitutes, or anyone else for that matter. Condoms are not infallible. Well done you

vinnyryan

NTLsucks wrote: »

ok be honest how much weight have you put on since you got married? im guessin you have drifted into the comfort zone and he has lost attraction for you. seen it happen lots of times.

Op. this is going to be a difficult period for you but you will no doubt come through it. I think the Op though very blunty does have a slight point in that, have you changed in any way to push him away in some sense or perhaps be complacent and left him with an uncared feeling. I don't think that this was an implication however.

blogga

The first three lines were enough to read. You, like all mothers, are really concerned with your child. You are really thinking if your husband can supply what you need emotionally for the upbringing. The answer is no. No one can of course but thats separate. Your husband needs help you cant give. And you really arent interested in that. Move on.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you have had a hard few years here, with a difficult husband. From my own experience that putting your boy first is the best thing to do, and it sounds like your doing that right.. But.. Do you know why he did this, really?? Is it something than can be fixed, over time, or is it just something that will never work??? You say you've been together for 9 years, and one question I'd be asking myself would be how have those whole 9 years been for you, and what could the next 9 years be for you if he sorted himself out with proper support. It sounds like he needs it, and it sounds like you do too.

Who knows what the future holds for you, but what ever it does the best of luck to you, and make sure you don't bottle feelings up inside you, and do speak to someone close to you about this. It sounds like he has bottled feelings up, for whatever reasons, for a long long time. From experience, theres no right or wrong answer here, but it might help to get as much information as you can.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070907062312AAkE3ew

Thumpette

OP, it sounds like you are incredibly strong, brave and a wonderful mother. People might deserve a 2nd chance (though I dont think I could give one) but never a third. Your husband obviously needs a lot of help with his own personal issues and perhaps in a few years he might become the man you need him to be.

For now, for what its worth I think you are right to walk away. You and your son deserve better than to continue to live in this situation.

I really hope it all works out for you.

Taltos

Well done OP.
Really tough place to be in - hard to see the way out. Stick to your guns - no one deserves to be treated like your worthless husband treated you.

CDfm

Well OP not excusing your hubby -but some people live like that and some relationships are like that.

Its just his behaviour is not for you. No justifications for splitting up needed as its not for you.

Remember though in marriage break ups the temptation is to use the child and access as a weapon. It does happen and the child has nothing to do with the breakdown of the relationship.

LegacyUser

I married someone who was very similiar to your husband. He was very sociable, confident everything I wasn't. We got married, had a daughter. When she was two he started acting very strangely, he would not speak to me, he maxed out our credit card, he wouldn't let me near his mobile phone. We rowed and he moved in with his mother, we separated for six months. She told us to sort it out one way or another so I told him I wanted a separation and he said he wanted to come back. I took him back because I was struggling with the mortgage, lonely on my own and I felt such a failure.

It was the worst thing I ever did, he had huge debts from our six months apart, he was on coke, womanising, and he had made a girl pregnant.

Like you I am not like my ex I was very shocked by his behaviour, he blamed me, his parents, it was everyones fault but not his. There was more but I don't want to go into it. Four years later, I have still not gotten over it but my daughter and I have a great life together. I would have hated to have stayed with him, I am very independent.

Of course he found someone else almost immediately, I saw him today he had put on about four stone and the hair is dyed off his head. I laugh now to think that he wrecked my head so much. I can wake up everyday and not worry about what has he done now.

I just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing. I lived with someone I thought I knew that I thought loved me and wanted the same things I did but I never knew him at all. It now seems like a bad dream and so removed from the life I have now. I cut all communication with him, access arrangments were sorted in court, he did not even turn up.

Go with your decision it is the right thing for you and your child.