BF thinks he's not good enough

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a really nice guy for 5 months or so (3 months long distance). The thing is, he feels like he isn't good enough for me. I would be considered pretty goodlooking and I get a lot of male attention, but have only had one proper boyfriend. This new guy wonders why I chose to go out with him since I apparently have high standards. He is always joking about him not being good enough, about my parents thinking he's an idiot when they meet him, about being ugly and having a crap body and so on so on. Yea they're jokes, but there's something real behind them. Now, I most definitely don't make him feel like this, I tell him all the time how wonderful he is and how much I love him, but there's always this insecurity. He feels like he doesn't deserve me, and while it's nice to be respected and loved (my ex treated me badly), I don't want him to feel like that. What can I do?

Buzz Buzz

This is obviously down to his own lack of self confidence, I dont think there is anything you can do as such. But, take for instance he says he has a **** body.. maybe encourage him to join a gym, improve his health and fitness, tone up a little(without sounding like 'hit the gym ya fat bastard!;)). The gym is a great place for boosting confidence, building yourself up and seeing actual results. He'll feel better about himself, feel like he's accomplishing something.. ya get the drift.

CDfm

Exactly what you are doing seems about right.

Latchy

bftroubles wrote: »

Now, I most definitely don't make him feel like this, I tell him all the time how wonderful he is and how much I love him, but there's always this insecurity. He feels like he doesn't deserve me, and while it's nice to be respected and loved (my ex treated me badly), I don't want him to feel like that. What can I do?

Reading your post OP ,the question I would be asking is do you really love him or are you just boosting his self esteem / ego out of a sense of pity ?

Because although it sounds like he has those ' problems ' I also think , ( reading between the lines ) that you yourself, are not quite sure about theis fella . Many guys will go though that whole 'am I good enough for her thing ? ' regardless of thier status .

I could be wrong of course .

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd be wary about a guy like this. If he's like this after 5 months he's the type who'll be threatening suicide if you leave him some time down the line.

Have to say getting the same impression as Latchy.

People need to be happy with themselves before being in a relationship.

Joey the lips

Short and simple you cannot do much except tell him you love him and thats it. But at the same time you should not have to listen to him "Me me me me me"

So say simply to him.... "John I love you I would not be with you if I did not. If your unhappy with your body diet or join a gym. I love you cause your bubbly fun to be with.....(The reasons you got with him) not because you depress me and think your ugly fat etc."

Don't be to hard when your saying it but be firm. That should do the trick.

LegacyUser

Yes, I do really love him and no I don't think he'd threaten suicide, etc. He's not needy or dependent and the thing is, he's had loads of girlfriends and is pretty popular with the ladies. He just seems to think I'm exceptionally wonderful and is a bit confused about why I'm with him and not some 6 foot tall blond hunk with big muscles, or whatever.

b3t4

Tell him how unattractive his carry on is.

Highlight to him that the more he keeps making these marks the more you are likely to start to believe him.

Ask him how he would like it if you didn't believe anything he said. You tell him he is wonderful and he tells you that your wrong.

You've tried the nicely, gently approach. You need to be firm in telling him that you do love him and do think he's wonderful and him telling you otherwise is getting tiresome.

A

Craft25

make love to him like you never have before, & i dont mean just ride him.. make sure he knows he is the only one for you!! (that is unless he is just a reaction to the previous pricky ex & not sombody you are with for who HE is - have you asked yourself this question?) ?????

994

b3t4 wrote: »

Tell him how unattractive his carry on is.

Highlight to him that the more he keeps making these marks the more you are likely to start to believe him.

Very bad idea to start lecturing him in this way; she's not his mother.

Otis Driftwood

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'd be wary about a guy like this. If he's like this after 5 months he's the type who'll be threatening suicide if you leave him some time down the line.

Disagree completly.

Self deprecation is so much easier than being confident in oneself.Being that way is a defence mechanism.You have it in your head that your OH is out of your league and it is very hard to shake.

OP,what I would say is,tell him how much he means to you at times that you are both totally prone,ie - post coitus,naked as the day you were born and in eachothers arms.He will likely laugh it off,but it will mean the world to him and his confidence/security will grow from there.

Just_lil_ole_me

Hey !

He is just insecure maybe he was hurt before and is obviously testing the waters the best thing i think you can do is sit him down and tell him how you are feeling about him and his insecurities. Tell him if you wanted someone else what would the point being with him in the first place be?????. He is looking for a confidence boost aren't we all????

It's a hard call, Sometimes it's just a fear of being hurt with people and maybe they just need some reassurance.

I am the same with my man and we are together 5 years and have 2 kids i just cannot see what he sees in me he is a cracking looking bloke who has a great personality and i wonder what the hell is he doing with lil (well large by my weight) ole me but do you know what he loves me for the little smile i give him or my sarcy sense of humour he dosen't see my faults the way i do??? He fell in love wiyh ME and takes the good with the bad.

Hun it's not you it is HIS insecurities and he needs to deal with that all you can do is support him while he realises his self worth

CDfm

nedtheshed wrote: »

Disagree completly.

OP,what I would say is,tell him how much he means to you at times that you are both totally prone,ie - post coitus,naked as the day you were born and in eachothers arms.He will likely laugh it off,but it will mean the world to him and his confidence/security will grow from there.

Ned you are a legend.

OP its fairly dead on and you might even get him to tell you how great he is during foreplay.Erotic and hypnotic.

Trouble is he might want his insecurities cured again and again.

Faddymackshyte

Ah OP, my boyfriend says this sometimes and we too have only been together for around 6 months. The feeling I get is that he doesn't think too highly of himself (lookswise more so than anything!) and I think it's incredibly adorable that he feels like this, that he seems mesmerised by the fact that I would consider being with him, let alone falling in love with him.
But reassuring him and telling him exactly why you love him should do the trick. Just point out how special he makes you feel and just the little simple things that really stand out in your mind about him. For example (for me anyway), how anytime I sniff or show any sign of being sick, he always takes my face in his hands and asks me if I'm sick. According to him, I am a very poor liar!

Hope that helps you, some people just need that little bit of reassurance. I'm sure he'll realise how you feel.

LegacyUser

My bf says the same thing, and we almost broke up over it twice. I know he loves me very much but he thinks that he's not there for me enough, that I deserve someone better and I'll only resent him in the end. I begged him to believe that breaking up isn't the answer. I can't imagine a life without him. We've been together for a 1 1/2 years and planned on getting married. I just don't know what to do anymore, how to make him believe that regardless of all we've been through, he's all that I want.

SarahSassy

Look this problem is not going to go away now matter how much flattery you indulge in. The problem is inside him and you can only ever make a temporary improvement to that.

Your formative relationships can have a huge effect on the type of men you choose for the rest of your life... No one should be a martyr or slave to someone elses insecurities and I would strongly suggest you move on and find someone with a healthy mentality towards himself and you.

You are too young to take on this burden and you dont want to fall into the trend of fixing your mens problem. A couple should meet 50/50. Sometimes he will need you 90/10 and vice versa but this neediness appears to be all onesided and you are too young to have to put up with it.

Nevyn

It's not your problem it's his problem and while he carrys on in such a fashion he is not good enough for you.

We all get insecure some times but that level is head wrecking and passive agressive and
shows all the hall marks of emotional blackmail. Seriously switch the genders aroung and you would have a lot of people saying leave her.

He needs to work on his own self worth for while he doesn't have one he will think less of anyone who values him and keep questioning and it will drive a wedge between you.

MrMiyagi

bftroubles wrote: »

I would be considered pretty goodlooking

I think that says it all.

I think you should show bit more humility around him.

SarahSassy

MrMiyagi wrote: »

I think that says it all.

I think you should show bit more humility around him.

:D:D

Funny one !!

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

We all get insecure some times but that level is head wrecking and passive agressive and
shows all the hall marks of emotional blackmail. Seriously switch the genders aroung and you would have a lot of people saying leave her.

I m with you on the insecure side.

Maybe he is in awe of you OP and a bit over reliant emotionally.

It was long distance and isnt know - am I right that he moved which could account for this somewhat. Some people are shy and need to work on outside friendships etc. So he might need to develop friendships and a social network other than yours. Even if it is pitch and putt or a pint with the lads.

He doesnt seem terminal and you do love him and you say he is so nicer than your ex - so I cant see whats with the dump him that keeps cropping up.It may just be a phase while he finds his feet.

SarahSassy

CDfm wrote: »

He doesnt seem terminal so I cant see whats with the dump him that keeps cropping up and it may just be a phase while he finds his feet.

But its only 5 months into this relationship. No one needs this crap. Relationships can be hard enough and as this is one of her formative relationships she should be aiming to have the best possible.

He is dragging her down, making her over compensate by feeding his ego and if its wrecking her head enough to post here then there is something very wrong.

MrMiyagi

bftroubles wrote: »

since I apparently have high standards ............ (my ex treated me badly

I think you lowered your standards after your ex treating you badly.

Not all interesting good looking men are @ssholes

You cant change this guy. He will always self depricate it is in his personality. Maybe you should consider dropping him. He isnt happy because he dosent deserve you and you arent happy with his personality

CDfm

SarahSassy wrote: »

But its only 5 months into this relationship. No one needs this crap. Relationships can be hard enough and as this is one of her formative relationships she should be aiming to have the best possible.

He is dragging her down, making her over compensate by feeding his ego and if its wrecking her head enough to post here then there is something very wrong.

I really dont think its ego feeding - OP has a nice self image and for whatever reason b/f doesnt.

Jeez loads of young guys dont like their appearence and dont know how to buy clothes, haircuts, take care of their skin etc.Lots of things really and young women are streets ahead in all those pampering areas.

To me thats being young and a bit immature. He probably needs a stiff talking too and a stiff whisky.

MrMiyagi

CDfm wrote: »

Jeez loads of young guys dont like their appearence and dont know how to buy clothes, haircuts, take care of their skin etc.

Id agree with you if this was 1991

honru

You need to be happy with yourself and your life before you get into relationships. Otherwise, your relationship acts as something to latch onto, a continuum where you unconsciously want something from the other person, rather than co-creating a fulfilling bond together.

He sees himself as a victim and his self-deprecation is his way of garnering sympathy. The only person who can change him is himself and until he decides to accept and relieve himself of his insecurities then I would leave him.

SarahSassy

OP you are young and have your life ahead of you. Dont get bogged down in something so negative so young. You cant help him and you could end up spending 3, 4 or 5+ years trying to help him and eventually he will consume you and drag you down..

Have seen it many times. My friend married a guy like this and she has changed from a sparkly, fun individual to a doom and gloom grump... Misery loves company. If you want a life like that then stay.. If not, move on.

CDfm

MrMiyagi wrote: »

Id agree with you if this was 1991

LOL

I think b/f has done all the running here.

Maybe if she encourages him to be more assertive he will see her in a different light.

I know plenty of women who get majorly paranoid when their blokes take care of their appearance - so maybe 1991 is a timewarp we are stuck in.

Gyalist

CDfm wrote: »

LOL

I think b/f has done all the running here.

Maybe if she encourages him to be more assertive he will see her in a different light.

I know plenty of women who get majorly paranoid when their blokes take care of their appearance - so maybe 1991 is a timewarp we are stuck in.

The issue is far less to do with his outward appearance and rather more to do with poor self-esteem.

CDfm

Gyalist wrote: »

The issue is far less to do with his outward appearance and rather more to do with poor self-esteem.

Really - I think most people feel more confident when they look good.

If he can get used to pampering himself for him maybe his self image/esteem will catch up.

MrMiyagi

CDfm wrote: »

Really - I think most people feel more confident when they look good.

If he can get used to pampering himself for him maybe his self image/esteem will catch up.

Dressing him might make him feel more inadequate

"Great now I cant dress myself, you are even a better stylist than me"

CDfm

MrMiyagi wrote: »

Dressing him might make him feel more inadequate

:D very funny and very mean

d1widdhair

my bf always used 2 say stuff like that and it used to make me sad, that he wasnt good enough or he was a loser. then he always gives out to me for being hard on myself about my weight and i do wonder how he thinks im so pretty. i remember being so nervous meeting his friends because i thought we looked odd together because he is 9stone n i am 15. everyone is insecure. his lack of confidence dissipated over time tho. i think it´s a trust thing, not that he doesnt trust u but its still early enough in a relationship to feel vunerable. just make sure he knows ur serious about him and he will relax i hope. if it is a more serious case of self doubt n disbelief maybe he should c a professional.

MrMiyagi

I have often seen guys using the "your too good for me " routine when they are preparing for guilt free access to the exit door of a relationship

Wagon

MrMiyagi wrote: »

I have often seen guys using the "your too good for me " routine when they are preparing for guilt free access to the exit door of a relationship

Bollocks. He just lacks confidence in himself.

BumbleB

I would never tell a woman that I lack confidence even though sometimes I do .In fact very few people recognise that I'm shy.I believe if someone is a loser or an idiot they should be fabulous at it !


Going to the gym is great because not only do your body get better looking it amps up your testerone levels which help your confidence levels.

MrMiyagi

Wagon wrote: »

Bollocks. He just lacks confidence in himself.

Put it this way if a woman is high maintenance then its a good idea to pull the plug early doors using the "your too good for me" routine.