Dealing with Grief

Bitsie

Not sure if this is in right forum so apologies in advance......I just lost my Mother to cancer last week and wondered best way to deal with grief. Any advice on how to cope....anyone had similar experience recently..etc... I am finding it very hard to deal with and not quite sunk in yet....Still crying everyday and everything reminding me of her. I started crying in tesco today because i seen a box of chocolates she would of liked! Also worried about my Dad coping, they were extremely close.

kelle

Hi, bitsie
I lost my mother and father in 2005, within 4 weeks of each other - due to that awful C word.
I am so, so sorry to read about your mother. How old was she?
I can just under stand about the chocolates, for months I kept spotting things Mum would have liked and start crying. I still do now and again.
What realy helped me was talking about her and my father to my aunts. My aunts were brilliant, they were so close to her and were hurting too but it was just so brilliant to be able to talk over my feelings with them, the funny things she did and said, the laughs we all had. Just being able to talk to anybody who would listen about my feelings made it easier, and still does.
Another thing that helped me was Bereavement Counselling. This was organised by my local parish and my aunts and I attended. We sat in a circle with others who were affected by bereavement, and talked about our feelings. It was fantastic, and it felt great to know I wasn't the only one with the feelings I was experiencing.
Gloria Hunniford has described it like a big black hole in your life, it's always there but you learn to live your life around it. I found this description so apt. The passage of time does make it easier.
How is your father? Are you able to talk to him about your mother?

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I lost my dad 7 months ago this month to an issue with his lungs. He was fine when he went to bed but he never woke up. Because it was unexpected no one knew what to do and to this day I dont either.
My mam is now on her own and it is terrible to watch her day to day dealing with her loss and I cant understand what her loss is like as it is totally different than losing a parent.
There is no set way to deal with grief especially when the loss is this major.Just take it day by day and deal with it whatever way that you feel you have to deal with it.
What scares me most is forgetting what my dad looked like so I keep a picture with me at all times and I have all of his vinyl that he collected when he was my age to listen to his favourite music when I am thinking about him.
To be honest I can only advise that being surrounded by loved ones and helping to support each other is all that you can do and remember your mam.
I know that if my dad was here that he would tell me to pick myself up again and try to carry on.
I am sorry for your loss and you will be ok in time here, just take it step by step.
Hope this helps.......

Overheal

Im sorry to hear that. I lost my stepmother very suddenly and tragically just a couple years ago and it was very hard to get through.

One thing that helped the grieving process along is the What Would Jesus Do type of thing. If I had seen a box of Ferrero Rocher (she loved em) I found myself smiling rather than crying, just thinking about her reaction to getting a box of chocolates or something. Even though I was a daft tit when she was still with us, and could never think of what to get the poor woman as a gift

I never did realise just how integral she was to my life until she was gone, and then thats when it really sucked, knowing you could've made better of things when you had the time. But then I just remember we were on great when she went, and sometimes its still fun to imagine what her reaction would be to certain things - movies, music, and awkward exhanges between me and my dad, which she always found very amusing. Your mother will always be what you remember her to be - which is fortunate, because now my stepmom finally gets my brand of humour and has stopped becoming so offended all the time

Do talk with your dad. I ended up doing the entire greiving process alone and it was long, tough, and I sunk very low in mind body and spirit. I wish I hadn't been living so far away from anyone else who was still mourning the loss at the time. It's important for both of you to air the greivances - I don't think my father has still really aired all of his, and still feels very awkward bringing up the subject. Not healthy for a grown man to bottle up so much hurt imo.

Darthhoob

i lost my mum 6 years ago (next wednesday) to a stroke, my life sort of fell apart at the time....so much so i would have got thrown out of my home if it wasn't for a friend dragging me to the council offices and sorting things out (burst into tears in the interview room). i still struggle to cope now without her BUT my life is back on track. you will never stop missing someone but ...a bit cliche...time is a great healer. i still cry alot, and think about her and it does me good to do that. i cannot really tell you how to cope with grief as everyone does it diffrently..do it how you are comfortable with. but i would suggest maybe some bereavement counselling...when you feel ready for it. take your time though..after 6 years i have only just contacted one lol!

Bitsie

Thanks so much to everyone for their kinds words and advice. My Mam was 66 when she died and its her 67th birthday in 3 weeks which will really hit us all hard. But there are a few things I am very grateful for, one being that me and my siblings and Dad are all close and we can be truthful to each other about how we feel. We can talk to our Dad about her and vice versa. The other thing in which I am most gratfeul for is the fact that the doctor had told us she had suddenly taken a turn for the worst and we had a day or two left with her. This enabled us all to be around her for those 2 days and we all had some time on our own with her for a few minutes just before she died. She knew we were all there and she was able to die peacefully and knowing we were all around her and loved her. That I will always be grateful for.

Serena08

Hi there Bitsy so sorry to hear about your recent loss grief hits us all differently just let the tears come and don't bottle it up and don't be afraid to talk about her it is very comforting ...in time it will get easier but the emptiness never leaves you it just dosen't seem that way at the moment ...just take one day at a time but never be afraid to show your feelings you and your dad really need each other I really feel for you..I know from experience as I have lost my dad 15 yr old niece gran old partner who I have a child with, my 18yr old cousin and a very good friend in the last 5 yrs and just recently my mum passed away on Jan 5th after a very long illness and unfortunatly just 3 wks after she passed my younger 30 year old brother was diagnoised with terminal brain cancer .. I am very lucky to have a very strong family we are all doing our best to deal with this but I feel my poor mum is being neglected as all our energy is going into looking after my broher so mums death has not hit us yet but even facing all this we try to stay as positive can and enjoy the time we have left with him... so I suppose what i'm trying to say is cry when u need to but hold onto your memorys and just know she is around you all the time I will say a little prayer for you and your dad god bless take care x

LegacyUser

Dear Bitsie,

I'm truly sorry to hear about your recent loss. It's hard to explain what the best way of grieving is, because in all honesty, every person has their own unique way of dealing with grief.

You can never stop missing a person who has died; and i completely understand your story about crying in tescos. When you lose someone, everything seems to remind you of them because they are in your thoughts constantly.

However, just remember it's OK to cry, cry as much as you bloody well please. It's OK to be pissed off, and it's OK to be angry. In my own personal experience.... at times I loved talking about my grandad (i know its not the same as a parent, but i was extremely close to him and he was young enough) and at times I just didn't want to do it. Go with how YOU feel. If you want to talk, do. If you don't, don't. That's my point about people handling grief differently. Just be sure not to bottle EVERYTHING up.

Denial.. Anger.. Bargaining.. Depression.. Acceptance. Grief is a huge train journey of emotions.

This might seem silly... but read this if you have the time.

Do not stand at my grave and weep:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.


Lara.

Bitsie

Thanks for everyones advice. It is true that everyone deals differently with grief. I am taking each day as it comes and i cry when i feel i need to.....i dont really have a choice sometimes!!