Cynical about love...at 19!!

LegacyUser

So basically when i was 16/17 i had my first proper relationship. I went out with a girl for about a year...it was puppy love but really intense and we were both hopelessly in love with each other. I loved it while it lasted. It ended really messily and i got pretty hurt...so much so that i stayed single for a long time..with only brief flings etc along the way.

Now im 19 and have been going out with a girl for about two months. Its my first proper relationship since then and im finding i still have huge issues stemming from it. I mean im over her in so far as i look back and smile now but its just made me so wary of getting hurt again. Things are starting to get somewhat serious with the new girl and theres a voice in the back of my head just constantly telling me to be careful!

I guess a lot of the trouble with the first girl was with boundaries and that kinda thing...we almost forgot we were seperate people. I also, being 17 had all the crap that goes with being 17 going on and ended up leaning too much on her and her on me. But i guess my question is is it healthy to hold back a little with the new girl? or is this just all coming from the first girl. I mean surely now, being more mature... i shoudnt be afraid to commit to this new girl. i mean i do really like her and she feels the same. I havent talked to her about this but shes definetly sensed my unease.

RedXIV

This is natural, you've just learned from your mistakes and, no offence, at 19 you'll probably still make plenty more. I know my attitudes changed drastically from 16 to 19 and even since i was 19 to now (i'm 22), i've changed more so. But as long as your happy being the person YOU are, you'll find that any lesson's learned will only be a good thing. You've learned not to wear your heart on your sleeve, which is probably a good thing. Simply because your at the age now where getting a text after kissing someone for the first time saying

"OMG OMG OMG, I like, totally friggin love u mre dan ne ting in d world! id die if u left me!!!"

which my 14yr old cousin tells me is pretty common :P

This is not a bad thing mate, this is maturing. But if you get to a stage where you're actually hindering the relationship, THEN you've got an issue. Going slow is normal, stopping is bad.

eskimo

OP: Guess what! Your feelings on love and relationships will change constantly throughout your life!

As human beings, we:

1) Have experiences
2) Mentally note what happens during these experiences
3) Use this information to our advantage the next time we are in similar experiences

That's what you're doing. It's basic human survival, and it's a mechanism built into all of us to keep us alive.

That is what you are doing with this new girl. It's perfectly normal and natural. If you WEREN'T using what you learned from your past experiences with this new experience, then you'd probably be classed as having some sort of brain damage.

You're perfectly normal and healthy! I think you're just coming to the realisation that we all came to at some stage: love can be an absolute bitch!!

But as with anything, it also has its great sides.

You're not being cynical, you're being human. I guarantee this new girl is doing the exact same thing. We all are.

You just need to learn to enjoy the here and now, because you will realise at some stage in your life, hopefully sooner rather than later, that there is no bigger waste of your time as a human being than worrying about the past and the future.

Just enjoy it.

lustyscorpio

Dude seriously i wouldn't read too much into. you have been only together for 2 months so enjoy the "honeymoon" period things will fall into place in time.

everyone is caution at the start of a relationship whether or not they were hurt before..

enjoy your new girlfriend.:o

LegacyUser

Hey OP here...

Thanks for your replies...they made a lot of sense to me..especially that alot of it is perfectly normal and just maturing. Trouble is..its definetly having a negative effect on my new relationship. I mean for instance my gf might call me up and after chatting to her id go off smiling thinking of her you know? but straight away my head just kicks in suppressing any of those nice feelings...just because im afraid to let myself feel those things incase il get hurt. surely thats not healthy? a similar thing happens anytime i catch myself thinking of how much im starting to like her or even when im with her!

There must be a line between looking out for yourself and going slow and allowing yourself to fall for a girl but where is it?

I keep thinking of the quote "love like you have never loved before"...should you? or should you always hold some of yourself back?

I really like this girl and im afraid my fear of getting hurt is going to cause me to lose her. She told me today that i never let her in.

RedXIV

Unregistered wrote: »

I keep thinking of the quote "love like you have never loved before"...should you? or should you always hold some of yourself back?

I've lived by this as long as i lived and even if you mess up in life you'll live a better life doing it this way

Terodil

TBH OP, it's a choice of life you have to make. It's nothing that we can really advise you on. You will need to decide if you want to take the risk of opening yourself up to your feelings, which can be very, very gratifying, but also potentially devastating if you break up, or if you prefer to seal yourself off. The latter option will seriously limit both your and her experiences, and I wouldn't be surprised if she felt it and left you after a while because she expected more.

My personal take on this is: Love is inherently a debt. You spend now but you'll have to repay later, in one form or another. The more you love, the bigger the hurt will be, but that doesn't mean you should hold back. Just that there's a balance in things. I would never even think about passing on the beautiful, over-the-moon-moments -- even if it means dreadful pain in the end.

But again, your choice and yours alone.

eskimo

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey OP here...

Thanks for your replies...they made a lot of sense to me..especially that alot of it is perfectly normal and just maturing. Trouble is..its definetly having a negative effect on my new relationship. I mean for instance my gf might call me up and after chatting to her id go off smiling thinking of her you know? but straight away my head just kicks in suppressing any of those nice feelings...just because im afraid to let myself feel those things incase il get hurt. surely thats not healthy? a similar thing happens anytime i catch myself thinking of how much im starting to like her or even when im with her!

There must be a line between looking out for yourself and going slow and allowing yourself to fall for a girl but where is it?

I keep thinking of the quote "love like you have never loved before"...should you? or should you always hold some of yourself back?

I really like this girl and im afraid my fear of getting hurt is going to cause me to lose her. She told me today that i never let her in.

OP no matter what you say, what you're doing is totally normal.
You're protecting yourself. That's what any living being on earth does. Self-preservation is the only way life can continue. And your brain is doing what it has to to keep you alive. That's self-preservation.

I know, it's an absolute bitch. Relationships are confusing as hell! Just rest assured that after a few relationships, you will know exactly what you want and how to deal with everything.

As with anything, it gets much easier as time goes on and you acknowledge and realise what hurts you and what makes you happier.

I think that you're in a relationship now and you're wondering why it's not 100% happy and roses. The reason is that relationships and love are serious matters for human beings, and we all treat them with extreme caution.

You are acting perfectly normal. No relationship is 100% happy. Just enjoy the positives, learn from the negatives, and try to chillax, okay? You're doing absolutely fine.