Heartbroken housemate

LegacyUser

I have a question. I went home last night and found my housemate crying her eyes out. Shes 21 and the sweetest gal in the world. She told me what was happening and asked me what I would do in her shoes. Im pretty pragmatic about stuff and tend to slice through problems with a black and white knife a lot of the time and then think about the consequences after, but I just don’t have the patience levels to mull over stuff and a lot of the time I note it just leads to people winding themselves up and making matters worse than they actually are in their own heads.

Id appreciate any input anyone has on this.

Ok, heres the story.

Housemate seeing a guy for aprox 3 years and broke it off with him 5 weeks ago. All the time that she has lived in the house, she has had a male friend that she is very close to. And he’s a lovely guy. Even when she was with the ex bf, it was obvious she had a thumping great crush on him and he on her too. We used to tease her about it a little but nothing too heavy as she was in a relationship.

When she broke it off, they’ve been (she & crushee) hanging out a lot and their body language has become more intimate – you’d have to be blind not to see it. I’ve been away lot recently and hadn’t enquired into any potential development – its NOMB anyway. But when I came home last night she was really upset because he had sent a text (in reply to one she sent I think) saying he wouldn’t be about this weekend as he was s going to Galway to see about a girl. (strange way to put it no?)

Anyway, here goes the he said she said bit – I hope I can remember it straight. Its not word for word – more along the lines of….

She sent back – “Oh, a new gf or an old one She must be special if youre going down to Galway to see her”

Him – “Yah, met her at a party last week”

Her – “ What about me?”

Him – “What about you”

Her – “You know how I feel about you”

Him – “Feck, no I didn’t. Is everything ruined?”

And that’s the way it was left – more has prolly happened but I haent spoken to her yet today as Im at work and shes a student so studies late and gets up late.

I think hes being pretty mean. Hes been leading her on big time I think, whereas her intentions were genuine. Shes really upset. What should I say to her to help? I don’t want to slag the guy as he was a friend of hers for a good while and she is genuinely nutty about him. And in fairness, hes a really nice guy as well. I just don’t understand the rejection but again, not really any of my business. (Haha! For someone wose none of business it is, the is one hell of a long post!)

We live together and Im really fond of her and want to help her, but do I say forget about him, or he’s a lunatic to say no or what? Im not very good at the comfort thing – Im more of a listener than an advice giver in emotional situations. Ive a friend whos brilliant at it. I think it’s a gift when I listen to her giving advice sometimes.

Anyway, any input and direction appreciated.

Apologies for the long post.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Her – “You know how I feel about you”

Him – “Feck, no I didn’t. Is everything ruined?”

I think hes being pretty mean. Hes been leading her on big time I think

See this is why I hate texting. I'm not reading the above the same as you at all.
What I'm reading is, he actually didn't know how she felt about him.
Yes, perhaps he did flirt with her, but maybe, like most blokes, he needed to be told out straight before he actually 'got it'.
Why the hell didn't she just call him and tell him straight?!

eden_my_ass

+1

Based on how you've stated the last message OP, I'd also read it as the guy didn't even realise her interest was high, and actually asked if he had ruined his chances now....

Katgurl

no way to know for sure.

he could have meant
a) I didn't know you liked me. I like you too. Is it too late?
b) I didn't know you like me. Is our friendship ruined now?

I'd be 80% sure it was option A. Fingers crossed...

GigaByte

Sometimes us blokes need to be hit over the head with a bat till we get the message!

claiva

newsflash - boys rarely have girls as really good friends unless they totally fancy the girl

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I think hes being pretty mean. Hes been leading her on big time I think, whereas her intentions were genuine ... do I say forget about him or he’s a lunatic to say no

I don't understand why you think he's not genuine or that he's turned her down. She's been flirting with him for ages and for the past 5 weeks she's been single and (as far as he knows) this hasn't changed their relationship.

Now she's laid her cards on the table (the hardest part) and owes him a response ... I'm 99% sure (I certainly hope!) he didn't realise her feelings had changed.

dblennon

Guys can be complete idiots about this,

I find that woman (huge generalisation) become very attracted to friends in this situation 'he does not see her in a sexual light but is good friends, she can sense that he dosen't want anything from her so attraction builds.
(this assumption is based on the fact that she realises that he likes her for her NOT HER "TITS")

Guys don't have this sense and will happily be touchy feely and be completely comfortable with it because he is not attracted.

when the roles are reversed the girl will def not be overly flirty with a friend who is giving off the i'm interested vibe.

He will realise very Quickly that he is or isn't interested beacause(again generalisation) guys have a switch that can be turned on and off. he will either realise that he really likes or he doesn't (I would surprised from what you said if he wasn't deep down really interested)

Unfortunatley for her how he handles this situation will be important hopefully he gets back to her quickly

Craft25

those two need locking in a room until they get the courage to express exactly how they feel about each other.

He may have engineered the other girl situation, consciously or unconsciously, in order to bring things to a head.

the_syco

They were flirty when she was with someone else, and stil flirty when she wasn't. Us men don't always take hints that well, so seems only found out what her feelings are after he said he was going to Galway.

LegacyUser

See this is why I hate texting. I'm not reading the above the same as you at all.
What I'm reading is, he actually didn't know how she felt about him.
Yes, perhaps he did flirt with her, but maybe, like most blokes, he needed to be told out straight before he actually 'got it'.
Why the hell didn't she just call him and tell him straight?!

Are there no quote tags when you go anon here? This could get messy if I dont find them!

@ Beruthial - haha! I knew it wouldnt take long for the "i hte txtspk" to be brough in and yes, I completly agree. But I think for alot of people its easier and she is only 21 ...so not a fully formed emotional tool kit yet maybe.

I called her there and it rang out. God I hope shes gone to lectures and is not under the duvet swigging Bushmills.

@ the _syco - yes, they were flirty but there has been a discernable rev up in the flirtiness since she became single. In fact, Id go as far as to say that she broke it off because of her feelings for this guy. Shes a very honest, loving and sweet girl and it would never enter her head to cheat.


@everyone eslse - thank you all for posting ....but it leaves me none the wiser!!

Im thinking about what I should say if he has not recriprocated. If he has it will be a happy house...if not Im going to stock up on Kleenex and chicken soup.

Ill update as soon as I talk to her. There must have been some communication by now. I wish shed answer her bloody phone.

Dord

GigaByte wrote: »

Sometimes us blokes need to be hit over the head with a bat till we get the message!

This.

Maybe you should explain this to her. While it may look obvious to outsiders he mightn't have had the foggiest idea that she liked him.
A giant billboard with the message in flashing lights usually helps.

LostinBlanch

Or as one mod previously stated, a t shirt saying

Yes ***** I fancy you and want to go out with you!

Dord

^ I think that was Wibbs?

Minxie123

Beruthiel wrote: »

See this is why I hate texting. I'm not reading the above the same as you at all.
What I'm reading is, he actually didn't know how she felt about him.
Yes, perhaps he did flirt with her, but maybe, like most blokes, he needed to be told out straight before he actually 'got it'.
Why the hell didn't she just call him and tell him straight?!

+1 to this. Why can't people just speak to eachother anymore. I know this makes me sound like my ma but christ almighty! I'm so sick of people over analysing ten word texts. "do you think he means this" "or does he really mean this" If she wants to know tell her to pick up the damn phone and speak to him or if she REALLY likes him then go and speak to him (gasp!)face to face!

End of rant

Wibbs

Dord wrote: »

^ I think that was Wibbs?

Yea and even then I thought it was a joke.:eek::o:D sooooooo nuf said. She has to be clear or he may well miss it.

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

@ the _syco - yes, they were flirty but there has been a discernable rev up in the flirtiness since she became single. In fact, Id go as far as to say that she broke it off because of her feelings for this guy. Shes a very honest, loving and sweet girl and it would never enter her head to cheat.

And from his reaction, I'd say he was clueless of this. The subtle hints don't work well.

CDfm

This might be in the friendzone and he may not want to go out with sweetness. its not unusual for girls not to make the leap from friendzone to relationship. Maybe this is one of those and she mis read his frienship.

pisslips

Maybe he doesn't want to be the fall back rebound guy. maybe if she genuinely liked him she wouldn't have stayed with her boyfriend. maybe he made his intentions clear before but then gave up but still enjoyed hanging out.

I know I'd be insulted if I hung out with some friend who wanted me on the rebound after her boyfriend broke up with her. I'd be like, what so I'm on the subs bench then?!

Is that it guys have to wait for an opening?
Maybe she has to wait for an opening with him.
Which is probably the game he's playing because the fool likes her too much to tell her where to go.

In the end, they'll marry.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think she should try get with this guy. I reckon she's in his friendzone.

Think about it. If he really liked this girl and she made it clear; which she must have if she said the "you know how I feel" he'd be hanging around her trying to make a move/her to make a move, he wouldn't be going to Galway to meet a girl. Or he would have went to Galway and said it was to see family/friends. He certainly wouldn't tell the truth if he wanted something to happen.

I reckon he liked her at one stage, hence being flirty because it started off flirty. She was in a relationship so he lost interest over time, but still liked her as a friend. Maybe even wanted what he couldn't have to a minor extent. Now that she's single he's realised he's not so into her and this galway thing is a great way of pointing out that he's not into her.

When he said "what about you" he was just playing dumb. He knew well about her feelings. I don't buy that guys don't know when a girl's interested, they certainly know when another guy is interested in their girlfriend. Usually when they say they don't know its because of self esteem issues and being that terrified of rejection that they won't take a 1% risk.

The last thing he said I can't quite explain, but it could just be that he doesn't want to hurt her, and now that he's seeing someone else its kind of a get out card.

I think a friendship like theirs is a terrible terrible basis for a relationship. Especially at their age. I'd suggest that to her and get her to move on.

pisslips

No , Galway was a lie, a definite lie at worst he's just going to Galway for a once off.

He definitely likes her but he just wants to let her know that he's not gonna wait around until she's ready, she can wait for him.

He might **** it up though and be really pissed off if she gets off with some guy.

Also, maybe they had sex a few times in the 5 weeks and he's not actually that bothered with having a relationship at all.

These are all possibilities.

CDfm

Not what I would think.

I think she is throwing a hissy fit cos she banked on dumping guy 1 and hooking up with Guy 2. A bit manipulative and a blow to the ego when Guy 2 didnt play along.

Guy2 probably legged it & I dont see them hooking up.

I have no doubt he texted her out of concern but thats about the extent of it.

Mal-Adjusted

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't buy that guys don't know when a girl's interested, they certainly know when another guy is interested in their girlfriend. Usually when they say they don't know its because of self esteem issues and being that terrified of rejection that they won't take a 1% risk.

I'm afraid the male mind is much less elaborate than you think.

A guy will know when another fella is intirested in his girl because we know how other men think, and can spot that behaviour a mile off, (yea, it's stupid, jeasous & immature, but shur...we're lads, we are stupid, jealous & immature...easy to manipulate too:o)

Unfortunatley, we DON'T know how women think, and therefore, dont pick up on signals that might seem obvious to any female observer. just our disadvantage.:mad:

For a girl to let a guy know she's interisted, she nearly has to throw a brick at him with "I Like You" written on it. even then, he'll probably think she was aiming for someone else & hit him by accident, or that she likes the brick:rolleyes:...we're so adorably pathetic!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Mal-Adjusted wrote: »

I'm afraid the male mind is much less elaborate than you think.

A guy will know when another fella is intirested in his girl because we know how other men think, and can spot that behaviour a mile off, (yea, it's stupid, jeasous & immature, but shur...we're lads, we are stupid, jealous & immature...easy to manipulate too:o)

Unfortunatley, we DON'T know how women think, and therefore, dont pick up on signals that might seem obvious to any female observer. just our disadvantage.:mad:

For a girl to let a guy know she's interisted, she nearly has to throw a brick at him with "I Like You" written on it. even then, he'll probably think she was aiming for someone else & hit him by accident, or that she likes the brick:rolleyes:...we're so adorably pathetic!

I'm male. I don't agree with you. I do know how a lot of women think and being a guy doesn't mean I know how they ALL think.

I agree with you to some extent that a girl is less likely to do the chasing and if they keep quiet the guy will never know. However in the context of this thread where the people are close its always obvious.

CDfm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'm male. I don't agree with you. I do know how a lot of women think and being a guy doesn't mean I know how they ALL think.

I agree with you to some extent that a girl is less likely to do the chasing and if they keep quiet the guy will never know. However in the context of this thread where the people are close its always obvious.

Once being close to a girl during a breakup put me right off her. Other than friendzone it showed me a side of her I didnt like and I had too much information.

If she is well over the top she may have very well frightened him off.

LegacyUser

I think she is throwing a hissy fit cos she banked on dumping guy 1 and hooking up with Guy 2. A bit manipulative and a blow to the ego when Guy 2 didn’t play along


That’s a pretty nasty thing to say when I’ve gone to pains in the first post to say what a nice girl she is. She’s not in the least it manipulative and broke it off from Guy 1 because she liked guy 2 and wouldn’t dream of cheating. Don’t tar her with slurs that are very definitely not true and if you’re going to post advice, please try and have a bit of compassion and get off your high horse. Its like you get off on seeing people hurt.

He gave back all the signals without doubt. I saw it with my own eyes. I said that in the first post as well. Marvellous how you just disregard whats there in black and white.

Rant over. Sorry. Monday morning blues.

Anyway, update – none.

I haven’t seen her all weekend and I didn’t want to nosy in with a text as we never really text each other. She’ll be back tonight so Ill get an update then.

I reckon the Galway thing was a lie as well – I said it to her the night he sent it. And her sister did too. Independently of my opinion being expressed as I’m in Dublin and she’s not.

I hadn’t thought about him thinking that he might be the rebound guy. Good point. She hadn’t either last time I was talking to her. Should I mention it? I really don’t want to over step the mark on advising her because if it all goes pea shaped, I don’t want her to think I that I directed her in the wrong – even though I realise I would just be suggesting and nothing I say would point her firmly on whatever path she wants to take without her deciding to take that path first.


I reallt hope shes not upset when I see her tonight. 

pisslips

Well as I see it every problem that arises from interactions between people is about ego.

If you want to give someone advise, you tell them in private so they won't lose face. If you have something embarrassing to say we use humour to make into an easy pill to swallow.THe amount of trouble and delegation we have to go through to get points across is ridiculous just to avoid ego conflicts.

This guy clearly is not willing to lose a lot of pride. For one thing he might think she will always see him as the second choice, conciously or sub-conciously.
Look I've been in a similar situation and I couldn't bring myself to letting the girl know that I liked her because I just couldn't be that pathetic friend guy who, as I thought other's would see it, was sneaking around, being manipulative and undermining her boyfriend.
You could call it confidence issues but this guy is in a safe place now regarding pride. He now knows she likes him but doesn't have to do anything about it.

It's all just an immature and fairly simple mind game going on between himself and himself.

Also, they're relationship is the issue really. Does he constantly gratify her? Does she love being around him because he makes her laugh and tells her that she's great or something?
Is it a two way thing or does he provide all the energy?
Maybe he doesn't enjoy it as much as she does, I don't know to be honest but Galway sounds like a big fat lie.

If it was a poker game he'd have lost his entire pot.

I'd imagine he just wanted to let her know that he's not always available for her to just pick up whenever she wants to make her feel good.

I mean she's probably the nicest girl in the world but I've met some very nice women but people will still use you, they don't mean to, it's just in their nature, men and women.
If something comes easy they'll take it.

This is probably what he's thinking.

He probably wants a relationship, honestly.

Das Kitty

This is giving me early relationship flashbacks.

I met this great guy and was nutty about him, there was a helluva lot of flirting going on but he wasn't making a move at all. I had my friends' ears bent off them wondering what the issue is, does he only like me as a friend, is he gay?

Anyways, I knew he liked me the same way when saying goodbye after a coffee date he held on to my hand a for a little bit longer than I would deem friendly. This ended up in me, a 19 year old girl with little experience in these things having to make the first move on an older fella. Petrifying!

Worked out well in the end, he told me the reason he didn't make the move is because he couldn't believe someone like me would like him (!) and kept talking himself out of it.

Knowing him now, this is how he is, an awful pessimist, even 10 years later!

Bottle_of_Smoke

CDfm wrote: »

Once being close to a girl during a breakup put me right off her. Other than friendzone it showed me a side of her I didnt like and I had too much information.

If she is well over the top she may have very well frightened him off.

That could very well be true, I just don't see how its an argument against what I sai

CDfm

I wonder how broken hearted housemate survived. Any updates?

blogga

You were so wise. When you said NOMB. You should stick to it.