Another what's going on post

LegacyUser

Right, I'll try and explain this as best I can.

I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now, we've been in constant contact for about 3 months. He was busy with Christmas Exams so it was a few weeks before we met up- we knew each other years ago but hadn't been in contact since. Good old social networking we found each other again.

First date I was so nervous and anxious- I'm usually a confident girl but as I'd come out of a 4 year relationship the previous year, I hadn't had a date in years! well the date went great, we got on brilliantly. We saw each other a few times after that, every time was brilliant. We slept together after a month. He's been starting to get busy with college stuff again (he's doing college part-time and works Mon-Fri 8-6) so I understood to give him space as he's got a lot going on. We used to text every single night or chat online every night. In the last few weeks it's been me initiating the texts, never him so i've stopped texting him but we usually are online at the same time every night so we chat there instead.

He just doesn't seem to be making an effort anymore and I don't want to be coming across as too pushy as I know he's probably under a lot of pressure. My self-confidence is completely gone as a result. I don't know what to do...

Blue_Wolf

Relax and lower your expectations. It's a turn off if the girl is chasing the guy. Think of it as a game, let him text you and send him short flirty messages back. Like you said you have been texting every nite so maybe the texting is getting boring for him. Maybe he's under a lot of pressure so doesn't have the time. 2 choices here, play the game or when you guys meet up next tell him how u feel. The game is funner though

LG26

Hi Op

Is there a reason maybe he has gone quiet, does he have more exams going on at the moment that he may need to study for?

Maybe he's finding it hard to juggle work and study. Do you live near eachother??

LegacyUser

OP here- yeah he is down to the last few weeks of a 2 year course so I know he's under a lot of pressure. I just really like this guy and I haven't been pushy at all, i'm trying to play it cool but then I panicked the other week that I may have been playing it too cool. We live about 20 miles away from each other and I don't drive so we have been meeting in town, at the start it was once a week, now it's about every 2 weeks.

I think I'm probably over reacting- I'm out of work at the moment and desperately trying to find something so my confidence is shattered from all the knock backs even though i've got 3rd level education and good work experience. I know half the country is in the same boat but i'm really down about it and very insecure as a result which I never used to be!! arghhh!

cat_rant

Hi OP,

It's tough in the ecomony out there at the moment, we all feel it. Maybe it is misdirected frustration. The Guy sounds really decent. Sometimes we pile our anxiety and frustration and worry about our life things onto a close person. It's like they become the face of all that you are worried about. When you are stressed or worried or angry you can often direct it at your nearest and dearest. ( I am guilty of this every once in a blue moon)

My solution would be to be really proactive about the other aspects in your life, like the job front. That way he is not your main focus and you will have interesting updates on whats going on with you for when you do chat.

The stronger and more focused you are the more comfortable he will be around you. And the more confident you will be. Being unemployed is a unique opertunity to make decisions on what you want to do with your life and how you are going to get there.

Best of Luck

cantdecide

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

...It's a turn off if the girl is chasing the guy. Think of it as a game...

I wouldn't say that this is automatically the case. Sometimes perfectly healthy relationships fizzle out in it's infancy because bot parties can be one step back too far...

I would advise that if your nerves are getting the better of you just now then maybe you should just come out and say it out of the possibility that you're not being 100% objective. If events mean that you are less likely to be in contact then there's a risk that meaning is being attributed to these quiet times that shouldn't apply...

Katgurl

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Relax and lower your expectations. It's a turn off if the girl is chasing the guy. Think of it as a game, let him text you and send him short flirty messages back. Like you said you have been texting every nite so maybe the texting is getting boring for him. Maybe he's under a lot of pressure so doesn't have the time. 2 choices here, play the game or when you guys meet up next tell him how u feel. The game is funner though

+1

LG26

Hi Op

As you've said he's nearly at the end of his course, so if you really like him, maybe wade it out, it could be worth it in the end because he does sound like a decent fella and you seem to really like him.

Is he studying all the time? Does he have his own place that you could make arrangements to go over to his even one evening of a weekend and have dinner etc??

If you don't mind me asking how old are both of you??

LegacyUser

OP again, thanks for the replies. I am being pro active in find a job- i'm ex recruitment so know how it works but still nothing.

We're both late 20's so we're not silly teenagers. He does seem to be studying most of the time, he's working full-time whilst trying to finish projects off and study for exams. I know if I was in the same boat I've been having a breakdown over having so much to do. I've done finals before and I know you don't study 24/7- you need a break from them or else you'll end up going crazy. He owns his own flat but since it's early days, I haven't met his flatmate or anything. I had said to him a few weeks ago I know he's up to his eyes so don't wanna be putting pressure on him to meet so would leave it to him to arrange meetings when he could- and he hasn't! so the other week i gently just said I was trying to pencil in a few things for the weekend and if he wanted to meet and he did- but he probably wouldn't have mentioned it first.

I think maybe i've too much time to over think things and then he doesn't have enough time!

LG26

Hi Op

Yeah it's pretty tough alright, I am in the same situation with my bf and i know he feels so guilty about not being able to see me all the time.

Does he drive? If so, you could organise to go out for the day, for a nice walk to clear his head, if you suggest this he may really appreciate it and to him you will look really considerate and then you end up getting the best of both worlds.

Have you been to his house yet??

LegacyUser

OP here- So I got another text saying I can't meeting this weekend due to college work- so I text hin saying I know he's under pressure but is he still interested in us seeing each other so that I know where he stands- he text me saying he was but up to eyeballs for the next 2 months and that's it's not fair on me cause I deserve the time- I'm not going to wait for him for 2 months yet I've completely fallen for him..... i really don't know what to do- I feel like he's been stringing me along the last few months...

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

...he text me saying he was but up to eyeballs for the next 2 months and that's it's not fair on me cause I deserve the time....I feel like he's been stringing me along the last few months...

I'd reply and say something like 'look, I've thought about what you said. If I thought you wanted us to be together I feel I could wait for you but I'm reading between the lines and I think it's best if we just let it go altogether'.

If he doesn't want to be with you he will worm out of it then. If he was telling the truth, he'll come to you with his cap in his hand...

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here- So I got another text saying I can't meeting this weekend due to college work- so I text hin saying I know he's under pressure but is he still interested in us seeing each other so that I know where he stands- he text me saying he was but up to eyeballs for the next 2 months and that's it's not fair on me cause I deserve the time- I'm not going to wait for him for 2 months yet I've completely fallen for him..... i really don't know what to do- I feel like he's been stringing me along the last few months...

Total BS on his part. Don't care how busy you are, if you like someone, you MAKE time. Nobody on earth is so busy that they can't spare a couple of hours every few days for someone. I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't be bothered even meeting up in 2 whole months, tbh.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];59686838]Total BS on his part. Don't care how busy you are, if you like someone, you MAKE time. Nobody on earth is so busy that they can't spare a couple of hours every few days for someone. I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't be bothered even meeting up in 2 whole months, tbh.[/QUOTE]


+1

If he was interested at all he would do his best to make the time for you. Sounds like he's just not that into you I'm afraid. Text him and tell him that's fine and you enjoyed your time together but you think it would be better for you to move on rather then hanging around for 2 months. You will know by his reaction to that how he really feels.

LegacyUser

OP here- had a chat with him earlier and he came out with a load of BS about how busy he is- said a few not nice things and he didn't mean to hurt me- ehh a bit too late for that now! so it's finished, i'm so hurt by him leading me to believe he really liked me....feel like a complete idiot, well at least I know now, gonna wallow in self-pity for a few days then try and pick myself up. Thanks for all your replies.

lolli

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here- had a chat with him earlier and he came out with a load of BS about how busy he is- said a few not nice things and he didn't mean to hurt me- ehh a bit too late for that now! so it's finished, i'm so hurt by him leading me to believe he really liked me....feel like a complete idiot, well at least I know now, gonna wallow in self-pity for a few days then try and pick myself up. Thanks for all your replies.

Ah op thats tough but its better that you know now rather than hanging around waiting for him for months. If hes going to treat you like that you are better off out of it. Onwards and upwards my dear.

LG26

Hi OP

I would leave him be, he's so not worth it. It did cross my mind that maybe he could have a gf which is maybe why he couldn't meet all the time. Is that a possibility?

You said you knew him from years ago, friends or know any of his mates?

LegacyUser

OP here- no I wouldn't think he has a girlfriend, he said he doesn't have time for a girlfriend at the minute, he doesn't go out normally at weekends anyway- he normally goes home back down the country but I do be chatting to him on msn etc late at night when he gets back from work or at weekends. We knew each other years ago- worked together and when he left we were also in the same college,doing the same course but not in the same year, we were at some of the same college nights and had a few kisses, nothing more.

Apparently he didn't mean for it to go as far as it did as he knew he would get busy with college, gave me some BS in that if we had of gotten together during the summer things might have been different but his focus for now has to be college. He gets back from work and is doing projects and trying to study so I can understand all that. But said he shouldn't have asked me out for drinks initially a few months ago so now I feel really sh** that he probably did everything out of pity or something.

Can't believe I wasted the last few months on him, complete user. Apparently he seen it as nothing more than a simple hook-up, yeah going on dates, chatting every night etc- of course he couldn't have been honest from the start, oh no! got some cr*p that his head will be clear when college finishes.

I'm at the angry stage at the moment in case you didn't realise :-)
So enough with the users.....find myself a 'nice' guy if they exist

LegacyUser

Was in a similar situation myself with a girl recently. Started off well, she made alot of effort and seemed into me but after about 3 months it seemed to be me doing all the work. Whenever I invited her out she just happened to have something else on and as someone else said if your interested in someone you will make the time to see them so I got the hint. At the same time you cant tell for certain so your head gets melted thinking is she into me/isnt she into me, am I making to much of this etc. I eventually brought it up and got the usual BS line of her not being ready for anything serious at the moment or something....whats that all about, course she's ready but just not with me! Hate when people do that, if your not interested in someone just say "I dont think this is working for me", end of story. Im not 12, I can handle the truth. I really did like this girl so I was a little sad for about.....a day, but no point dwelling on it you just gotta move on. Just put him out of your head OP, you will find someone better.

LG26

Hi Op

Your dead right, leave him off, he will soon realise what he has missed out on and when he does, you'll be long gone. Don't be surprised if he comes sniffing back around when his exams are over. And what joy you will have telling him your too busy going out having tooooooooooo much fun that you couldn't possibly find time for him in your schedule.

You sound like a great girl and believe me there is a great guy waiting out there for you. That will treat you with the time that you deserve.

Hope everything goes well for you xxx