Do you think she is being a cow?

LegacyUser

My answer is yes but it would be because I can't stand the girl, even moreso now.

Basically, She lives a bit of a way away (about 30 mins drive), she is mates with my boyfriend - he has a bit of a drink problem and she knows this, one time he got so drunk and couldn't get home because her dad took his keys - that was an argument in itself as he was at another girls house, even though he swears nothing happened (he probably was so pissed he was incapable anyway). I also lost my job because he had my car and I had no excuse to go in, I had been off sick the week before (genuine) so to them, I looked unreliable and got unduly sacked, no apology from her. On the night also she was screaming at me down the phone asking what my problem was with her.

This time he went round, they went to the pub and I know what she is like, she would be saying 'do you fancy another?' knowing full well he will not say no, so in the end he had about 3-4 pints, knowing if he had anymore and had to stay over again, I would hit the roof so he drove home.

He got pulled for drink driving, nearly 3 times the limit, will be going to court, possibly losing his job. Now I know he is ultimately to blame but she has shown no concern whatsoever, even sending him stupid jokey texts the day after (you know the ones that do the rounds), then she texted him asking if he still has a job.

Anyway the biggest problem is, he needs about £500 for a solicitor, no way can we afford this - she has about £20k in the bank and refuses to LEND him this £500 saying 'no you wouldn't pay it back' even though he has full intentions of paying it.

Do you think she is being a cow? Seeing as she is partly responsible, a 'friend' would help, she obviously isn't one.

Jimmy Bottlehead

angered wrote: »

My answer is yes but it would be because I can't stand the girl, even moreso now.

Basically, She lives a bit of a way away (about 30 mins drive), she is mates with my boyfriend - he has a bit of a drink problem and she knows this, one time he got so drunk and couldn't get home because her dad took his keys - that was an argument in itself as he was at another girls house, even though he swears nothing happened (he probably was so pissed he was incapable anyway). I also lost my job because he had my car and I had no excuse to go in, I had been off sick the week before (genuine) so to them, I looked unreliable and got unduly sacked, no apology from her. On the night also she was screaming at me down the phone asking what my problem was with her.

This time he went round, they went to the pub and I know what she is like, she would be saying 'do you fancy another?' knowing full well he will not say no, so in the end he had about 3-4 pints, knowing if he had anymore and had to stay over again, I would hit the roof so he drove home.

He got pulled for drink driving, nearly 3 times the limit, will be going to court, possibly losing his job. Now I know he is ultimately to blame but she has shown no concern whatsoever, even sending him stupid jokey texts the day after (you know the ones that do the rounds), then she texted him asking if he still has a job.

Anyway the biggest problem is, he needs about £500 for a solicitor, no way can we afford this - she has about £20k in the bank and refuses to LEND him this £500 saying 'no you wouldn't pay it back' even though he has full intentions of paying it.

Do you think she is being a cow? Seeing as she is partly responsible, a 'friend' would help, she obviously isn't one.

Your boyfriend is a complete thick and deserves everything coming to him. I hope they throw the book at him.

This girl is little better than he - IMHO you could do without either of those two goons in your life. If thats the best you can do, you're either lacking in some way or just delusional.

username123

She clearly ISNT a friend. Anyone who would (a) encourage someone with a drink problem to drink (b) make light of the serious consequences of his drinking (c) interfere in the relationship between bf and gf is NOT a friend - just a parasite.

Ultimately he is totally responsible for his actions and in fact, if she gave him the money she would only be further enabling his drink problem. Despite enabling it in other ways in this particular situation she is actually doing the right thing - hopefully he will face up to the consequences of his own actions and deal with his drink problem if he has to pay up himself.

On a side note - why do you bother staying in such a dramatic unstable relationship with a bf who has a drink problem, a questionable relationship with a 'cow' and has been instrumental in you losing a job? Sounds like youd be better off out of it and leave him to her and vice versa.

ellie1

.

I also lost my job because he had my car and I had no excuse to go in, I had been off sick the week before (genuine) so to them, I looked unreliable and got unduly sacked, no apology from her. On the night also she was screaming at me down the phone asking what my problem was with her.

Why would she apologies because your boyfriend took your car?

This time he went round, they went to the pub and I know what she is like, she would be saying 'do you fancy another?' knowing full well he will not say no, so in the end he had about 3-4 pints, knowing if he had anymore and had to stay over again, I would hit the roof so he drove home.

If he cant say no , he has a serious problem.

Anyway the biggest problem is, he needs about £500 for a solicitor, no way can we afford this - she has about £20k in the bank and refuses to LEND him this £500 saying 'no you wouldn't pay it back' even though he has full intentions of paying it.

She doesnt have to give him anything. If he stops drinking and he will be able to afford it.

Do you think she is being a cow? Seeing as she is partly responsible, a 'friend' would help, she obviously isn't one.

NO, I think she may also have a drink problem like your boyfriend and if I were you I would mind yourself and not worry about her.

cantdecide

Op this is a no brainer hence my not even dignifying it with my opinion.

My advice is if you have any self respect. Run away from these people. Run fast. Your life will be sh*t as long as you have these kinds of people in your life....

Agree with the other responses, if you choose to stay with this guy then suck it up ... he's YOUR problem not HERS. I'm just glad the fool didn't kill anyone.

But I just wondered, why on earth would you even consider being in debt to this "cow"??

Catari Jaguar

What a ridiculous opinion OP. :rolleyes:

Why should she apologise because your boyfriend took your car? Would you prefer if she let him drive home pissed?

You seem totally relaxed about the fact that your fella has a "bit of a drink problem". Wake up! If you get arrested and lose your job over booze it's a FULL problem.

You are blaming HER for your boyfriend's problem. She's not forcing booze down his neck. He can't say no. Cop on. Fits find, and he likes her company as she encourages him.

Dump them both.

TheDollyParton

Why are you blaming her for your boyfriend's mistakes? She isn't responsible for his behaviour, he is.

irish_ninja

I think your boyfriend is the problem

Cormb

To be honest, you're probably better off stearing clear of her in-so-far as you can. Don't rise to any provocation from her.

While your BF's drink-problem should be acknowledged (and she shouldn't be encouraging it), unfortunately your BF will have to take ultimate responsibility for it and avoid situations where it is indulged.

She seems to be promoting a bad situation regarding your BF's drinking (and the unfortunate consequences such as the drink-driving and its effect on you and your job). However, it is still him (and you) that suffer these consequences and it'll be the pair of you left to sort them out.

Would he be amenible towards cutting off contact with her? If so, it might be easier to deal with the drinking.

Blue_Wolf

Have to agree with the other posters, in fact the question you should be asking yourself is why does he stay in hers so often instead with you?
If i was in her position I wouldnt lend him the money, he's an idiot.
And really I don't think just because she has 20k she should be obliged to lend it out. Ive seen a lot of friendships fall because people not paying back loans to mates, sad really and best avoided in the 1st place. Anyways that's not really the issue at hand.
Rename your title from Is she a cow to something more fitting like. " My boyfriend is a selfish,alcoholic idiot who deserves everything he has coming to him"

LegacyUser

OP can you step outside the situation and look at it from an overview?. You seem so completely blind.

LegacyUser

Hi, me again.

He is attending counselling for his drinking so he isn't ignoring his problem, it is just they don't see all that much of each other so when they do, they go for a beer.

In a way, this needed to happen to help more with his problem, otherwise he would carry on and could have suffered worse consequences, he didn't hurt anyone so that is good and he knows he would never put himself in that situation again.

Luckily she is moving abroad to be with her family in 3 weeks.

She is selfish though and he is too soft because whenever she comes over to our end of town, she asks to stay over because she doesn't want to drive back after a drink, she definately has a problem.

Anyway, I am standing by my man, yes he has royally f****d up but he has learned from it and he has agreed, once she has gone, our relationship will improve. I have asked him to cut contact with her for good, whether he does or not is yet to be seen but I said if he does contact her or see her again, I am gone.

He has already ignored her text as far as I know so we will see how it goes.

I agree with the poster who said she is a parasite, not a friend, but now he knows this.

Katgurl

Sorry to be harsh but your boyfriend has serious drink problem and chances are, she does too & that's why he's hanging around with her.

You need to remove them both from your life and hope they manage to sort themselves out however unlikely that is.

metamorphic

I used to share a place with 2 lads a few years ago. They were both fond of the drink. One guy took it too far, became aware of his problem and stopped, went to AA, joined a gym, turned into a bit of a health nut really.

anyway, other guy stayed the same, still drinks a good deal.

I hadn't seen them in ages so arranged to meet up. We met up and all was grand. I asked the first guy if they see much of each other and his response was no, that because of the 2nd chaps drinking habits he found it hard to be around him as he had cut it out of his life. They were still friendly and would chat and email but the first guy had to make the decision to keep himself on the straight and narrow and curtail his interaction with the drinker.

So anyway, fairly tough decision but even the drinker acknowledged it had to be done. Your BF needs to cut out people who are not "on board" as regards his efforts to change.

I'm all for giving people a chance. Everyone is a few questionable decisions short of being in the crapper, it's what you do when you find yourself there that's the difference. So, if you think he's not doing enough then split. Help him all you can but if the captain isn't even trying to bail water out of the sinking ship why should you suffer?

username123

OP, she may be a parasite but he is the one who allows a parasite into his life, and into yours by association. Who are u gonna blame for his behaviour when she is gone? I think your anger/annoyance is misdirected. We are all ultimately responsible for our own actions. And if he is still drinking at all, then im afraid he is not addressing the drink problem. There is no halfway house with a drink problem, u are either drinking or not. He is. I hope u can see that he is the one causing the problems, not external influences.

LegacyUser

metamorphic wrote: »

I used to share a place with 2 lads a few years ago. They were both fond of the drink. One guy took it too far, became aware of his problem and stopped, went to AA, joined a gym, turned into a bit of a health nut really.

anyway, other guy stayed the same, still drinks a good deal.

I hadn't seen them in ages so arranged to meet up. We met up and all was grand. I asked the first guy if they see much of each other and his response was no, that because of the 2nd chaps drinking habits he found it hard to be around him as he had cut it out of his life. They were still friendly and would chat and email but the first guy had to make the decision to keep himself on the straight and narrow and curtail his interaction with the drinker.

So anyway, fairly tough decision but even the drinker acknowledged it had to be done. Your BF needs to cut out people who are not "on board" as regards his efforts to change.

I'm all for giving people a chance. Everyone is a few questionable decisions short of being in the crapper, it's what you do when you find yourself there that's the difference. So, if you think he's not doing enough then split. Help him all you can but if the captain isn't even trying to bail water out of the sinking ship why should you suffer?

Well he is doing well at his counselling although he has only had a few sessions, plus his driving ban will more than likely result in him attending a rehab course...then she will move abroad, hopefully never come back then we can work through what has happened and pick up the pieces, whilst she is sunning herself.

cantdecide

angered wrote: »

Well he is doing well at his counselling although he has only had a few sessions, plus his driving ban will more than likely result in him attending a rehab course...then she will move abroad, hopefully never come back then we can work through what has happened and pick up the pieces, whilst she is sunning herself.

She's not the problem at all, honey.

I still say he's bad news and you just tending to him is just condoning his behaviour. I'd say leave, let him sort himself out and if you want to be with him after he's stopped being a loser then you can cross that bridge.

Do you realise that these things only happen to a tiny minority of people.

LegacyUser

So when she's gone who are you going to blame when you can't sort things out with him? you seem to be pushing all the blame on her - at least when she's gone you might find out where the blame for your relationship breakling down is...

LegacyUser

He does know he is wrong and needs to change, he hasn't slept, he attends his counselling, he could be like the other scrotes who turn up to court and go do it again, for him to choose to cough up £500 for legal help, shows he is truly sorry.

I do think he is better off without her, she is doing our relationship no favours whatsoever. I have given him the choice of keeping in contact with her and I leave, or he cuts contact and we work on our relationship.

There are people with far worse problems than this, I just hope it makes us stronger. He said he can't say enough how much he appreciates me sticking by him. This is a huge turning point for him now.

John Mason

i dont see how whether she has €20k or 20c in her bank, has anything to do with you.

She didnt force your BF in the car and make him drive, he done that all by himself, so why should she have to pay for his mistakes ?

i am very confused by the whole post.

Does she hold a gun to his head to make him drink?, does he not have self-control?

also i think it is very responsible of her wanting to stay in your house when she has had a few drinks rather then driving home.

I think maybe you should contact an alcohol support group, your anger is completely directed at the wrong person

LegacyUser

angered wrote: »

He does know he is wrong and needs to change, he hasn't slept, he attends his counselling, he could be like the other scrotes who turn up to court and go do it again, for him to choose to cough up £500 for legal help, shows he is truly sorry.

I do think he is better off without her, she is doing our relationship no favours whatsoever. I have given him the choice of keeping in contact with her and I leave, or he cuts contact and we work on our relationship.

There are people with far worse problems than this, I just hope it makes us stronger. He said he can't say enough how much he appreciates me sticking by him. This is a huge turning point for him now.

£500 for legal and a little insomnia after c*cking up both of your lives doesn't make him a prince.

She's leaving anyway so the decision was made for him. Honestly, are you blind?? He's a douchebag.

The only problem that you two have is him. These problems are self inflicted and utterly avoidable to anyone with the slightest bit of depth of character. It's obvious. Run while still can. You don't have to live his tragedy with him.

The only people who need turning points are bad people and of course he needs you to justify his behavior. He sounds like a knacker.

He's quite entitled to be a bonehead all day long. What matters is what you do now. You can't be so desperate that you would put up with all this crap.

LegacyUser

She isn't a friend. Whoever is responsible for whatever doesn't matter, a friend would help someone out, £500 out of £20k is a drop in the ocean, especially for a friend. I would be even more willing to help if it was me thinking oh my god I shouldn't have bought him that last pint (she obviously knows how easily led he is or he wouldn't have a problem).

In fact if my friend had a drink problem, the pub would be the last thing I suggested so if all she has to offer is being a drinking buddy, you are right in saying he needs to cut contact.

I am sure his counsellor would suggest that anyway, he needs a new lifestyle. Just be glad she is going.

I find it really cruel with the way they are speaking of your boyfriend. You don't have to have a drink to be a dangerous driver - he messed up, he is paying the price, you would rather him get banned for a few years and learn his lesson than carry on years down the line throwing his life away to drink.

It is called being in love, she wants to stick by him. He could be like some other blokes cheating and beating their girlfriends black and blue. Alcoholism isn't a choice, it is an addiction and he is getting the help he needs. You leaving him alone in this hard time will not help. If you love him, you stick by him. It is called being mature and committed.

Good luck and I hope he doesn't get too harsh a time in court.

LegacyUser

I appreciate what people are saying and with respect, you don't know this girl - I know on paper he looks awful but she really is a bad influence, even his sister in law said that to me when she came round to tell me he was in a cell and she has known her a hell of a lot longer than me. As far as I am concerned she is a waste of time and space. Hell I will even pay for her ticket, one way of course!

I know this is hard and I don't deserve to be going through it but if it was the other way round and he left me, I would be distraught. Why should I leave the man I love, my lovely home etc just because he f*****d up. To see him crying for how bad things are breaks my heart. For the sake of 3 pints too. He knows now, what's done is done. We need to get through it together, that is what couples do, not leave at the first hurdle.

I was furious when I lost my job, at the time, but I hated it anyway and they did me a favour as I got a much better job just days later(that probably p****d her off!), think that shows things happen for a reason, if he hadn't been caught drink driving, he could have done it again with worse consequences. In times like this, you need to concentrate on the positives. There is nothing we can do except pray that our solicitor is decent. He is a specialist in road offences anyway so he will know better than us.

bubblewrap

Wahey I am back! (promise I will behave guys!)

angered, what an awful situation. It makes it worse when it was entirely out of your hands and now you are paying the price, again. If he cares any for you, he wouldn't bother with her. What good does she bring? Absolutely none!

You will have to sit this out until she leaves, try not to bad mouth her too much or you will look bad. It is obvious she is not a good friend, I am sure he doesn't need telling. You have proven to him that you are who matters, he said he appreciates you being there, she won't even lend him money to get him out of the crap. Instead you have to pay for it, well that was a slightly expensive trip out wasn't it? She sounds awful.

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

...£500 out of £20k is a drop in the ocean

You and the OP seem to be addicted to OPM. Other People's Money (thank you judge Judy).

As far as the OP can be concerned she has absolutely nothing for them. If she has her affairs in order then why can't they. You're not your brother's keeper and no one made him slug down that last pint (which pushed him 3 times over the limit) and certainly no one made him get behind the wheel.

Unregistered wrote: »

...I find it really cruel with the way they are speaking of your boyfriend.....

He deserves it. It might have been the lives of you or your loved ones he put at risk.

Unregistered wrote: »

...You don't have to have a drink to be a dangerous driver....

...but it helps.

Unregistered wrote: »

...she wants to stick by him. He could be like some other blokes cheating and beating their girlfriends black and blue....

My dad who is a bit tactless but whenever he hears someone say 'it's me only vice' will always remark at how people think they're entitled to one vice. "Apart from the child porn, sher I'm a pillar of the community" is his standard joke.

Of course he could be worse but that's not an excuse for being a nob and it definitely isn't a reason for the OP to endure his crap....

Unregistered wrote: »

...If you love him, you stick by him. It is called being mature and committed....I hope he doesn't get too harsh a time in court.

Once you take the ah-sher-God-love-us out of your post there's nothing left. This is one of those times when the mob is right, IMO. I find your suggestion that a girl staying with her penniless, alcoholic court bound loser bf is mature just baffling.

I wouldn't be with a girl who behaved liked the OPs bf no matter how much I loved her. Not for a second.

I will extend my previous comment by saying 'the other girl isn't the problem. The bf isn't the problem. The OP is the problem as long as she's happy to support this behaviour'

bubblewrap

From what I gather, this girl is a problem. Maybe her being out of the picture will be a good start for them, they are going through enough. This girl seems to have no concern regarding her 'friends' drink problem, she said when they see each other, they go for a drink. If her life revolves around drink and so does his, then they shouldn't be together, just like you wouldn't put two alcoholic lovers together.

At least he is doing something about his drink with the councilling, drinking 3 drinks isn't an overly high amount but behind the wheel..:(

You will be ok. Just make sure she goes, wave her off at the airport!

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

I find your suggestion that a girl staying with her penniless, alcoholic court bound loser bf

You don't know him, I can't believe you said that about him, generally financially we are ok but there aren't many people who can cough up £500+ just like that. Like most people who may get behind the wheel when they shouldn't, he probably thought he would be ok, but he wasn't and it is a lesson learned.

I don't like people getting on their high horses. It was a huge mistake. I just don't like the way she comes up smelling of roses everytime. No wonder her man cheated on her.

LegacyUser

It is a bit out of order calling him a penniless loser, how is that going to help her? So he likes a drink and was silly enough to get in the car, PLENTY of people do that as wrong as it is. No one is perfect, and why is it a problem asking a friend for a loan through hard times? Doesn't mean OP is a money grabber, friends are supposed to be there, and she isn't - the OP is, which is what a partner should do.

There is obviously more to it than OP is saying if she really dislikes the girl how she does. If his family even agree this girl is no good then it must be true. He has a problem and needs to be surrounded by supportive people, not selfish losers who disappear when they are needed. She seems to only want to be his friend for her own benefit, maybe her other drinking buddies were busy that day.

bubblewrap

She hasn't come up smelling of roses if her man did the dirty on her!

Leave her be, she is going soon. Stop worrying about someone who doesn't matter when you have more important things to concentrate on, you are wasting your energy and will just wind yourself up, she isn't worth it.

All you can do is support him and get through it, I know someone who was arrested for drink driving, they said at the time it felt like their world had collapsed but you come through it stronger and a damn sight more sensible.

LegacyUser

angered wrote: »

who can cough up £500+ just like that.......Like most people who may get behind the wheel when they shouldn't, he probably thought he would be ok, but he wasn't and it is a lesson learned.........It was a huge mistake. I just don't like the way she comes up smelling of roses everytime. No wonder her man cheated on her.

She didn't frame him- he did the crime. Does he need to be told that if he puts his hand in the fire he gets burned? Who needs to risk peoples lives to find out drink driving is bad anyway. It wasn't bad luck? She's practically gone so what's the problem. case closed.

LegacyUser

angered wrote: »

Like most people who may get behind the wheel when they shouldn't, he probably thought he would be ok, but he wasn't and it is a lesson learned

bubblewrap wrote: »

I know someone who was arrested for drink driving, they said at the time it felt like their world had collapsed but you come through it stronger and a damn sight more sensible

WTF?

I watched my next door neighbours wife hobble around on crutchs for 18 months after they both nearly lost their lives. Drink drivers are scum.

When did drink driving become a social inconvenience or a learning opportunity

LegacyUser

I feel sometimes she is using my boyfriend just to get male company. Don't think she sees him in a sexual way but I think she misses the emotional attachment of her ex. I was just about making friends with her too, we had a chat and agreed to draw a line in the past and start afresh and once again she has let me down, just weeks later.

She is no good for me or my boyfriend, I fail to see why people are saying she isn't a problem.

username123

OP - I understand that you want to support your man, that you want to stand by him, people have many different facets and clearly he has some good points otherwise you wouldnt be with him. I can get with all of that.

What I dont understand is why you feel this girl is the problem in your relationship. I cant understand how it is that you are angry with her, and not angry with your partner?

You talk about him as though he is too weak willed to make his own decisions - 'she bought him the last drink' - but its him who is responsible for drinking that last drink.

She only hangs out of him because he allows it. And if she is a bad influence then it is his responsibility to remove that bad influence from his life.

I definitely think your anger is misdirected - in fact, I think you will discover that for yourself when she goes away and you either have to accept that he is to blame for the problems or some new 'bad influence' appears on the scene.

I hope you remember this thread next time there is someone in his life that you feel is to blame for his behaviour - it might make you step back a little and think 'hang on, how come these bad influences seem to keep coming his way - is it possible that HE is the one with problem?'.

LegacyUser

Don't get me wrong, I am very angry with him, we have had a huge row over everything that has come up but the one thing that annoys me is, we can be getting on so well, everything is hunky dory then SHE invites him out and he gets so wasted he is unable to get home, or in this case, he did but in the back of a police van. Then she skulks back off into her corner until next time. Leaving me to pick up the pieces.

I agree he is ultimately in charge of his actions but this person is toxic and needs to be removed from both our lives. I hope she stays abroad for good when she finally disappears.

username123

angered wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I am very angry with him, we have had a huge row over everything that has come up but the one thing that annoys me is, we can be getting on so well, everything is hunky dory then SHE invites him out and he gets so wasted he is unable to get home, or in this case, he did but in the back of a police van.

He could just choose not to accept her invitation.

angered wrote: »

I agree he is ultimately in charge of his actions but this person is toxic and needs to be removed from both our lives. I hope she stays abroad for good when she finally disappears.

Do you really think that this person would be so toxic if her actions werent accepted and encouraged by your partner?

I dont want to sound harsh cos you sound like you are a nice person yourself and just caught in a nasty situation but Id love to give you a good (friendly) shake and get you to open your eyes and see that its not really the girl, its the choices that your partner makes that are the problem.

bubblewrap

You need to ask yourself (and him) why this person is so important to him to have around, maybe it is because she is a 'good time' ie. she loves the booze as much as him, whereas you on the other hand probably nag him to stop and he would sooner go out and let his hair down, despite the consequences.

This is the price he has had to pay just to have an afternoon in the pub with her, if that doesn't deter him further driving out to see her again then I do not know what will.

Well if everything is fine when she isn't there then obviously she has a big impact on your relationship, he needs to see this and make changes. You are right in giving him an ultimatum. I know she is leaving anyway but he needs to cut her out otherwise your relationship won't survive.

LegacyUser

Her actions are only encouraged because she is as bad as him, why would he say no when he has a problem, it is like asking a child if it wants an ice cream. I am annoyed because she is encouraging him to drink by inviting him to a pub 30 minutes from home, and it isn't the first time. It is stupid. He won't say no that is why I am annoyed at HER, he just needs help, not "friends" that encourage the behaviour he is trying to fight.

She even has the cheek to say if we didn't have a nice flat and a nice car, we could afford the court case. Oh god I have to stop thinking about it, I will end up punching someone!!!

Oh The Humanity

angered wrote: »

I agree he is ultimately in charge of his actions but this person is toxic and needs to be removed from both our lives. I hope she stays abroad for good when she finally disappears.

Ah but misery loves company and alcoholics will always be magnetically drawn together, if its not her it'll be someone else 'leading' him along by the nose.

He is going along with her suggestions of 'just one more' because he wants to. If you think she is the only one in the world who will do this then you are in for a rude awakening.

Living with an alcoholic involves mopping up mess after mess for them. There will be legal troubles (like now) medical mishaps (broken bones, stitches, falls, punchups etc) Important things like keys, wallets, phones will be lost on a regular basiss, you will end up financing the mop up operations 'oh just lend me money till my new card comes through'

Lend me money for a solicitor blah blah blah on it goes, the better you get at enabling him, the more convenient it is for him to keep on drinking.

If he really is improving then you need to be absent until he has himself sorted. He needs to fund his own brief. He needs to go to his counselling and take responsibility for his own life and mistakes.

All for the sake of 3 pints?

oh you will be suprised what can be lost for the sake of a few pints.

bubblewrap

She said what?! :eek:

Who the hell does she think she is? I think if my friend was in the **** like that, whether I was prepared to help financially or not, I would act with some form of sympathy! My god, even I am getting mad at her. How long have you had to endure her?

You must love him to put up with that!

bubblewrap

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Ah but misery loves company and alcoholics will always be magnetically drawn together, if its not her it'll be someone else 'leading' him along by the nose.

He is going along with her suggestions of 'just one more' because he wants to. If you think she is the only one in the world who will do this then you are in for a rude awakening.

Living with an alcoholic involves mopping up mess after mess for them. There will be legal troubles (like now) medical mishaps (broken bones, stitches, falls, punchups etc) Important things like keys, wallets, phones will be lost on a regular basiss, you will end up financing the mop up operations 'oh just lend me money till my new card comes through'

Lend me money for a solicitor blah blah blah on it goes, the better you get at enabling him, the more convenient it is for him to keep on drinking.

If he really is improving then you need to be absent until he has himself sorted. He needs to fund his own brief. He needs to go to his counselling and take responsibility for his own life and mistakes.

All for the sake of 3 pints?


oh you will be suprised what can be lost for the sake of a few pints.

Absolutely bang on.

LegacyUser

Really appreciate your help, thank you to all who has replied. I feel a bit calmer getting it down. I just want her to go away, that is all. This driving thing we will deal with and hopefully get over it, what I can't get over is her interfering in our relationship. Who does she think she is telling us we can't afford our flat. Yes we can, but we cannot afford to cough up £600 in 2 weeks, who can? So we wanted a little loan just to help us out but it is tough.

To be honest, I want no ties with her once she has gone so maybe it is a good thing.

Thank you all so much.

There is no point in being angry with him, he knows he is in the **** and he says there is no way he could ever make up what I deserve. Thing is, he is remorseful, she doesn't give a crap whereas all his other mates do, they know he has been silly but they are there for him. She doesn't give a f**k, she will be sunbathing on the beach in 3 weeks.

LegacyUser

By the way, he has pont blank refused any financial help from me as he says it is his mess and he will sort it, he said he just wants me there physically and emotionally and I have done more than enough already.

LegacyUser

I think this thread has been completely pointless - you've asked for opinions, and ignored those that have gone contrary to your own.

The fact is that while she may be bad for your boyfriend and unhelpful, she's not the issue, your boyfriend is. I've a very good friend who has trouble with alchohol, and typically he would blame everyone but himself for his troubles. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be doing this, from what you've said (for someone in his situation you seem intent on painting him in nothing but a good light - "oh he's done bad but he's admitted it", constantly trying to make him look good), but YOU seem intent on playing that role for him! you seem obsessed with blaming her for his actions.

Why on earth would she apologise for him losing you your job? Where your anger toward him? Why is all your anger aimed at her when she is a factor, maybe, but not a cause of your problems? Why are you battling so hard NOT to blame him?

John Mason

angered wrote: »

Her actions are only encouraged because she is as bad as him, why would he say no when he has a problem, it is like asking a child if it wants an ice cream. I am annoyed because she is encouraging him to drink by inviting him to a pub 30 minutes from home, and it isn't the first time. It is stupid. He won't say no that is why I am annoyed at HER, he just needs help, not "friends" that encourage the behaviour he is trying to fight.

She even has the cheek to say if we didn't have a nice flat and a nice car, we could afford the court case. Oh god I have to stop thinking about it, I will end up punching someone!!!

seriously, it is not this girls fault

your bf is an idiot for drinking and driving. end of .............it no one elses fault except his. he should count his lucky stars that he didnt kill someone

drink drivers are scum

Bottle_of_Smoke

Its pretty poor form of her to go drinking with a guy with an alcohol problem but he'd prob find some other drinker if she wasnt around

If he's so sure he'd pay her back I don't see why he wouldn't take a loan from you. I wouldn't trust him with that cash either.

CDfm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

seriously, it is not this girls fault

your bf is an idiot for drinking and driving. end of .............it no one elses fault except his. he should count his lucky stars that he didnt kill someone

drink drivers are scum

Ya but she will be there after the court without a doubt plying him with booze and him to weak from remorse to refuse it. Dont forget she has never once offered to stand up in court and tell the judge it was her fault. You have forgotten that.

Why cant you see that Pink Fluffy Bunny?

username123

angered wrote: »

There is no point in being angry with him, he knows he is in the **** and he says there is no way he could ever make up what I deserve. Thing is, he is remorseful, she doesn't give a crap whereas all his other mates do, they know he has been silly but they are there for him. She doesn't give a f**k, she will be sunbathing on the beach in 3 weeks.

Course he is remorseful!!!! Because if he is remorseful with you then you think that he is not to blame so you blame the girl instead! People with alcohol problems are extremely manipulative, if he wasnt being remorseful youd be angry with him, so he knows how to help you redirect that anger away from him.

She doesnt give a crap because she probably has an alcohol problem as well - people with alcohol dependency problems ARE drawn together - it justifys their behaviour to drink together.

I think there is definitely a point in being angry with him.

I totally disagree with your 'asking a child do they want an icecream' analogy, you are making out that your partner has no will of his own, that he is like a child, that he 'cant' refuse a drink.
He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour - the reason he 'cant' refuse a drink is because he has not hit rock bottom, and he wont hit it if you keep enabling his behaviour by blaming other people for his actions and taking his remorse as making it ok.

I strongly suggest you read 'A merry go round named denial' - here is a link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

You seem to be unaware how your own actions are actually assisting your partners behaviour and placing blame everywhere but on him is the worst thing you could to for him.

I grew up with alcoholism, I have been in group therapy for it for a number of years, I am familiar with the symptoms you are describing and I recognise YOUR behaviour. I would advise you to get some support for yourself, go to Alanon or any support group for people affected by other peoples drinking. You are further in denial than your partner is, I think you are displaying classic co-dependant tendencies.

It is important that you realise that your behaviour is not helping.

Its clear by your posts - despite every poster telling you that the girl is not the problem, that you are so bound up in misdirected anger against her that you cannot see things clearly.

Do you really think that every other person on here is wrong and you are not?

There is help available, please seek it and get your mindset working in a healthier manner.

Jack B. Badd

CDfm wrote: »

Dont forget she has never once offered to stand up in court and tell the judge it was her fault. You have forgotten that.

It wasn't her fault. She wasn't behind the wheel. End of.

cantdecide

CDfm wrote: »

...she has never once offered to stand up in court and tell the judge it was her fault...

Errr... that's cos it wasn't her fault.

CDfm

CDfm wrote: »

Ya but she will be there after the court without a doubt plying him with booze and him to weak from remorse to refuse it. Dont forget she has never once offered to stand up in court and tell the judge it was her fault. You have forgotten that.
Why cant you see that Pink Fluffy Bunny?

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

It wasn't her fault. She wasn't behind the wheel. End of.

cantdecide wrote: »

Errr... that's cos it wasn't her fault.

I was being ironic, I really cant see why the OP & BF can't be more personally responsible for their own behaviour.