Bi or not???

saoirsetouch

Hi,

Just looking for advice and opinions here and not a lecture please. I have my own conscienous to deal with that. I am married in a stable solid relationship and love my partner very much. We enjoy a fantastic sex live and we both have high sex drives. I would possibly be a little more adventurous or riske to him. For quite some years now I have been also interested in women. I find them (some) very attractive and I have had a fantasy of being with one. So eventually it happened. The other night myself and this beautiful girl became very intimate. I absolutely loved it. It hasd not changed my feelings towards my partner at all but now I am wondering if I enjoyed it so much am I bi? Have I always been and only recognise it now or is it possible to have some kind of a sex addiction or too high of a sex drive for this to happen. I felt so comfortable with her and it was truely a beautiful experience. I would love for it to happen again but then I am being unfaithful to my partner. I can deal wiht what has happened and justify it as experimental. ( please save the lectures as I know it was very selfish of me to do this). I hope this is not too confussing to read it is just that my head is a muddle. Should I just forget the whole thing happened and keep it as my secret or should I explore this side of myself more? Please genuine advice is required here. thanks

Mulan

You are of course being unfaithful.
I can't say much more only it must be tough for you now, discovering your feeling etc.
Its big picture time I'd say.
maybe have a chat with a professional!!

Good Luck

nomorebadtown

yep you cheated.

dont worry too much, MANY people cheat everyday.

bluecell99

Yes of course you are bi sexual.Unlike many people you explored it while in a (presumably) monogamous relationship.Nothing wrong whatsoever.But you have a number of issues to deal with.Do you continue hiding this from your partner?Do you think this experience could possibly be a one -off?Can you really ever be happy again with just one person?

I always take the realistic route and based on years of experience I would say the following: You will ALWAYS be Bisexual.
Suppressing this side of you will lead to catastrophic unhappiness.
You may not be suited to a monogamous relationship.
You must be up front with people.
Tell your partner.
Short term pain for long term gain.
There is nothing wrong with you.Be honest and true to yourself and dont hurt other people.


Just my tuppence worth.

Tricity Bendix

^^Being a bi-sexual does not automatically mean you're unsuited to a monogamous relationship.

saoirsetouch

Thanks, the last two replies are really what I am looking for. I need to be challanges about how I feel not attacked for cheating. That is a separate issue. i don't think bluecell99 means that it is not possible to be in a monogamous realtionship just that I may not be suited to one. All these questions I need to find the answers to. I don't want to go down the cheating road so I won't but I know in my heart of hearts it will happen again. As much as i deny it, it is there. the attraction to other woman and it will be come impossible to fight against it. So why should I. I think I may bide my time with my partner at the moment. He does know it is a fantasy of mine. Well at least that it was a fantasy. I don't talk about it any more because it was making him feel uncomfortable and I suppose he was threatened. Most guys would love to think of their partners with another woman (or at least my male friends tell me they do) but it does threaten my guy. He feels that another woman can offer me something he can't. Of course this is true but it is not the same. I love him to bits and we have a good relationship. I want to be with him but I do have these questions about my own sexuality too. If i am honest I would love he he could be open enough to maybe have some fun from now an agin wiht another woman joining us. Is that really shallow??

Untense

saoirsetouch wrote: »

Hi,
I am married in a stable solid relationship and love my partner very much.

would love for it to happen again but then I am being unfaithful to my partner.

It happened already. So experimental or not, you've already been unfaithful.
In an ideal world the whole experience would be something you could tell him about, and he would support you in experimenting on your own. But I wonder how in-line with reality that is, since I'm sure if he would react so favourably you would have already brought it up with him by now.

Should I just forget the whole thing happened and keep it as my secret or should I explore this side of myself more?

I would support you under normal circumstances, however you already have an agreement with one person. So whether you use the verb 'explore' or some other euphemism, it still boils down to you having sex with someone when you're not supposed to.

saoirsetouch

As I said spare the lectures! Although I am not poo pooing anyones opinion on this as I have a limited opinion myself as I am new to all of this. the chaeting aspect is just a separate issue, I am aware I have cheated. I suppose maybe I am not making myself clear. As this has happened I have to deal with the outcome now. So I am not interested in the wrongs or rights of my actions. I would love a few educated opinions about the meaning of this experience. In order to help me to analysis my own thoughts an feelings. Does it mean I am bisexual (although I usually hate labels I need to assess my thoughts on this one). One swallow does not make a summer???

Is it possible that people can do this as a once off and never venture there again or have I kick started something with in me? Is it possible to have always been bi and not know until a few yrs ago? If you are bi have you always been or can it just develop. I am in a confussed state but only to segregrate my thoughts and deal with it.

bluecell99

Hey OP again.

There is a school of thought which believes that everyone is bisexual to some degree.While most people wont act on feelings which may occur perhaps only in teenage years,if the feelings continue frequently throughout life then really it's a matter of deciding to act or not.Conditioning and religion play a part in people's action's and,where the orientation is pretty strong,then to suppress it can lead to emotional disaster.In my opinion ,where people are truly bi,a marriage/long term relationship can only work where the other partner is fully aware and accepts this and is prepared to look the other way during the times when the other half explores their gay side .Problems will only happen here where the person falls in love with the gay contact and is not happy to rermain with the LTR or within the marriage.Two examples where this successfully worked were the actors
Michael Redgrave and Denholm Elliott.Both had long term happy marriages with children but had frequent sex with a string of anonymous males throughout their lives.In both cases their wives knoew from the off and were happy to still get married and understand that this was a strong and essential component of their husbands make - up.

Tricity Bendix

saoirsetouch wrote: »

Thanks, the last two replies are really what I am looking for. I need to be challanges about how I feel not attacked for cheating. That is a separate issue. i don't think bluecell99 means that it is not possible to be in a monogamous realtionship just that I may not be suited to one.

Gotcha. I just don't like the idea that bi-sexuals are sex-obsessed maniacs who are fundamentally unsuited to stable relationships to go unopposed.

All these questions I need to find the answers to. I don't want to go down the cheating road so I won't but I know in my heart of hearts it will happen again.

Then you've really got to tell your partner. If he's not okay with it, and you're not able to be faithful, then you know it won't work. If you don't tell him and then continue to cheat on him, then you become a skank.

As much as i deny it, it is there. the attraction to other woman and it will be come impossible to fight against it. So why should I.

Maybe you shouldn't. If you felt strongly enough about your partner, the thought of being unfaithful with someone else, no matter what their gender, would be abhorrent. To make things clearer, I am a bi-sexual male. I had to properly explore my sexuality before becoming comfortable enough within myself to commit to a stable relationship. This took years of messy relationships, luke-warm dates, truly awful one-night stands, and long periods of just being by myself. I'm not saying this will happen for you, or that this is what you should do. I don't know you. But I want you to know where my advice is coming from.

Most guys would love to think of their partners with another woman (or at least my male friends tell me they do) but it does threaten my guy. He feels that another woman can offer me something he can't.

I'm not sure if thats entirely true. I think it might be one of those things that guys say cus they've seen it in pornos and found it hawt. It can be different when one of the women involved is your girlfriend.

If i am honest I would love he he could be open enough to maybe have some fun from now an agin wiht another woman joining us.

If honestly believe that is what you want, I can only encourage you to ask him about it. If its not his thing, then you'll have think about what you'll do next. If it is his thing, then hoorah for you both.

Is that really shallow??

Your feelings are anything but shallow.

bluecell99 wrote:

In my opinion ,where people are truly bi,a marriage/long term relationship can only work where the other partner is fully aware and accepts this and is prepared to look the other way during the times when the other half explores their gay side

This implies that a bi-sexual can only be truly happy if he/she is getting some from both males and females. That isn't true. Bi-sexuality and monogamy are perfectly compatible. The fact that I fancy men and women doesn't mean I'm destined to want to cheat on my partner.

saoirsetouch

Many thanks for all the replies. It is helping me as a sounding wall to sort my thoughts. I am in a clearer place today. A lot of thinkgs are making sense and I am really thinking about my true feelings. I do believe that it is possible to be in a steady monogamous relationship even if i am bi sexual and my partner does not know. It is ot do with my frame of thought and my own repect for myself and my family. Being bi sexual does not mean that it is a necessity to have both sexs. I think it is possible ot settle for who ever makes you happiest and make a go of that. I don't think I was truly thinking about my encounter as being unfaithful more more experimental fun, however, it was indeed unfaithful for all my selfish reasons. I think firom here on in I will have whatever experimental fun comes my way with my partner and not necessarily with someone else. I love this man so my decision is clear.

Mulan

fair play, a wise but tough decision.
Good Luck

saoirsetouch

I can understand all of what has happened to me this week as I have sucha fantastic outlook on life and I am so openminded about sex and my sexuality. I empathise for anyone who is in tormile and feel grateful to be so grounded to deal with my issues but to also learn from all of my experiences in this life on my journey of self discovery.

Rick_

What about even suggesting to your husband that you have a threesome with another woman? If he's all up for it, discuss it being a regular thing with him, that way you both get joy from it and your lives can remain relatively normal instead of having to tell him and risk him taking it bad and it ruining your relationship

Do you have children yet? Remember if you do, leaving your husband is going to have a profound effect of them as much as it will on you or him.

saoirsetouch

this is a route I will possibly take. I do have children and they are my priority. Leaving my husband is not an option as I dearly love him. I just like a bit of openminded fun.

Aoifey!

Well you are bi. Would he be open to trying a threesome? Or you could sit him down and say that you've had strong feelings for a girl, but it's only physical and you'd like to explore.