Is it worth fighting for??

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, would be grateful of any advice...

Seeing a guy for close to a year now. We are great together, from chilling out watching tv, out and about alone or with mates, with family etc etc. On a regular basis we tell each other how lucky we are, how much we love each other, how this is forever. Both of us were in bad relationships prior to this, so it's fair to say we both have a lot of (cliche alert) "baggage". I'd do anything for him and until recently I felt so secure and happy with us.

BUT....we argue. A lot. We are both fiery people and tend to lose the head over trivial stuff. Which makes for a lot of excitment and passion but it's not much fun. I guess it doesn't help that I get over it very quickly whereas he sees this as a major issue. So much so that he has ended it with me, most recently yesterday. I think it is important to note that neither of us are verbally abusive, nasty or particularly malicious. It is moreso shouting and screaming about the particular issue if that makes sense? This happens prob once every two/three weeks and he says he can't take it anymore.

My problem is that I can't lose him over this, the good times are so so good and I'm sure we can work through it. I suggested that we look at different ways of conflict resolution, maybe take a few steps back and go back to just seeing each other once or twice a week "dating" perhaps. This is all done over text and phone, he refuses to see me to sit down and talk. He is adamant that it is over.

So should I leave him be or fight for it? I'm running out of options and suggestions that are just shot down anyway. Think at this stage I can't see the wood for the trees...any advice anyone???

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

BUT....we argue. A lot. We are both fiery people and tend to lose the head over trivial stuff. Which makes for a lot of excitment and passion but it's not much fun. I guess it doesn't help that I get over it very quickly whereas he sees this as a major issue. So much so that he has ended it with me, most recently yesterday.

Doesn't sound healthy.

Unregistered wrote: »

the good times are so so good and I'm sure we can work through it.

Be careful. While some level of commitment to sorting out something is commendable, don't delude yourself into thinking that it "can" be sorted; you can hope, but you can't guarantee, and speaking from experience the more effort you put in the more deflated you'll be if it doesn't work out.

It also sounds as if you two should have put as much effort into not fighting as it seems you're now prepared to put into attempting to "rescue" it:

Unregistered wrote: »

So should I leave him be or fight for it? Think at this stage I can't see the wood for the trees...any advice anyone???

I'm not saying don't try, but just be careful and don't see it as a be-all and end-all, and don't assume you can change his mind; you've already said that you "get over" the fights quickly and he doesn't, therefore issues that you see as trivial or "done and dusted" are obviously issues that he doesn't view in the same way.

It's also the case that - as you said - you sometimes can't see the wood for the trees; I was previously in something that I thought had "great bits" that overcame the really crap bits, but a while after that blew to bits I realised that the bits I viewed as so great and worth fighting for were just "normal", bits that would be in any "normal" relationship, but it was the contrast that made them seem so great.

Best of luck, and whatever happens be sure to learn from it, and avoid making the same mistakes again.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

It's also the case that - as you said - you sometimes can't see the wood for the trees; I was previously in something that I thought had "great bits" that overcame the really crap bits, but a while after that blew to bits I realised that the bits I viewed as so great and worth fighting for were just "normal", bits that would be in any "normal" relationship, but it was the contrast that made them seem so great.

Wow..you may have hit the nail on the head there.

Thanks, I hadn't expected to get such valuable advice. Still hurts like hell though, crazy about him.

NewFrockTuesday

It's also the case that - as you said - you sometimes can't see the wood for the trees; I was previously in something that I thought had "great bits" that overcame the really crap bits, but a while after that blew to bits I realised that the bits I viewed as so great and worth fighting for were just "normal", bits that would be in any "normal" relationship, but it was the contrast that made them seem so great.

+ 1 - thats really well put.

Blue_Wolf

Ya let it go and move on, nothing worse than a begging ex

Oh The Humanity

Sometimes what one person views as "fiery" and "passionate" another views as aggressive and argumentative.

We always use positive labels for our own negative traits and it can come as a suprise to some to think of themselves as "fiery" that others simply view them as aggressive.

Take an honest look at yourself, you said there was shouting but that you moved on quickly from it. Was the shouting mainly from you at him?

You may have vastly misjudged his tolerance for this fiery/aggressive behaviour. What you might have assumed was acceptable he may have found repellant.

LegacyUser

Ok, firstly to clarify, I’m not a “begging ex”! I just want to be sure that we can’t both work through this. To me, it seems we have the fundamentals right, we just don’t know how to resolve conflict.

We both shout, are both argumentative (I wouldn’t say aggressive and I don’t think he would either), neither will ever back down and then we break up. Then we get back together because we are crazy about each other…crazy is probably the right word. But this is a deal breaker for him, he thinks it’s just a compatibility thing and will never be fixed.

We have always said we love each other’s fieriness, but maybe not when it is directed at each other. I think I have accepted (not tolerated) this from him as it is always short lived. My belief was that he had done the same. Obviously not.

I just don’t want to regret this in 20 years. But I guess it's out of my hands...

Thanks for the responses

LegacyUser

I hear you loud and clear. Me and my partner of two years finished this week in almost exactly the same way. We are both fiery characters and when we fight it's bad, we love each other very very much but the passion that's there for the good times fuels some ugly fires when things are bad. We got to breaking point the other day and he felt he had no choice but to walk away. I'm completely broken-hearted, and like you would be prepared to try anything to make it work. At the end of the day though, if only one of you is prepared to do so - there's nothing more you can do. I've spent every minute of the past two days keeping my hands busy so they can't use my phone to call him. It's the hardest lesson that you have to learn over and over again; everything for a reason. Perhaps he needs the time and space to realise what you have/had is worth fighting for, perhaps by the time he does you'll be ready to move on already. You have put the ball in his court now by admitting you are prepared to work at it - all you can do is hope he will come to the same point in his own good time. Give him that, even if it's a week or two. It will give you both a chance to clear your heads and if nothing else you'll come back to each other because you both want to, not because it's easier than staying apart. Take care of yourself in the meantime, and call in the back up - you'll need your friends now. I know I do. x

greatandgood

You may not have taken these arguments to heart and may in fact have seen them as a healthy 'venting' mechanism. Some people handle confrontation better than others and don't let it bother them.

It sounds like your boyfriend is not one of these people. It sounds like these arguments have taken their emotional toll on him and I'm not surprised he wants to call a halt. Regular blow ups of the type you've described can just be emotionally draining.

You should have a think about the sort of things you're arguing about too - can you really say you're compatible when you obviously feel so differently about some issues? Couples are always going to differ on certain things but if they are genuinely happy and comfortable in the relationship they're usually satisfied to let things go and accept the differences in opinions and attitudes. Why do you both feel you have to be right all the time? Do you really respect each other's viewpoint?

It's never easy being on the receiving end of a decision like this over which you have no control. However I recommend that, rather than trying to get him to see what's so wonderful about the relationship, you take some time to examine it and see if you don't come to the same conclusion he has - you are not compatible. If nothing else it will make his decision (which you can't change, only he can) easier to accept.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

It's finished, I know now. He has made up his mind. When we fight, I make him feel bad about himself and I don't want to be that person. Just have to let him go and spend the rest of my life kicking myself.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Just have to let him go......

Yes

Unregistered wrote: »

.....and spend the rest of my life kicking myself.

No