Friend sleeping with married man

Minxie123

My best friend is sleeping with her co-worker who is married. She has told me that this guy has been trying for a baby with his partner. She feels a bit guilty but reckons that there is a sexual chemistry between them that can't be denied. I personally have an issue with all of this and can't help thinking of his poor wife. I'm recently married myself so I suppose its all a bit much for me. I know this is none of my business and I would love if she just didn't talk to me about it but she's upset with me that I won't 'get on board' with it or 'get excited' for her as she's having a good time with it all. I have tried to focus on the fact that she's my friend and that I don't know the wife but everytime she speaks to me about it I just get a really sick feeling in my stomach about it all. Is she asking too much of me to 'get on board' with this should I be enjoying the 'excitement' of this with her?

LegacyUser

Minxie123 wrote: »

Is she asking too much of me to 'get on board' with this should I be enjoying the 'excitement' of this with her?

Imo yes she is asking too much. Tell her how you feel, so she can keep it to herself from now on. She's probably looking to you for validation, and you don't feel comfortable with the situation so don't condone it. Advise her against it and don't mention it or discuss it with her again. it's only leaving you feel bad. No real friend would do that to you.

star-pants

She's asking too much of you.
Personally I don't agree with it either - I know *she's* the single one etc, but in my mind, she should have some morals about helping a guy cheat on his wife. And he's supposed to be trying for a baby with his wife??

I've been there (your position, not hers) and I had a hard time because I didn't agree with it, yet my friend felt she should be able to come to me and talk about it. That she should be allowed give out about his wife and for me to join in, and to be excited for her when she(my friend) was going on a weekend away with him. I told her straight out I didn't agree with it. And after a while had to tell her to just not talk to me about it or else we'd row. That lasted for a while, but then she just got so annoyed that I wouldn't sympathise with her etc that we did have a massive row and I ended the friendship. She'd said some horrible things to me and this wasn't the first taken guy she'd been with. I'd had enough.

Yes she's your friend, but we all have limits.

LegacyUser

Ah now thats not on at all. What is she playing at? tell her straight out you don't want to be involved in her silly game, if she is stupid enough to think that all this is a bit of harmless fun behind his wife's back on her head be it. You let her know you dont approve. Ask her who's husband is off limits? would she sleep with your husband? if not whats the difference in her head between sleeping with this fella and sleeping with any other married man. She must have some emotional issues if she thinks this is something you should be excited for her about.

I don't know how you are restraining yourself id slap her

Minxie123

Thanks for the replies. Its hard work with her. She's had difficulty with sex in the past and for some reason feels very sexually liberated with this guy. She feels that for the first time she is enjoying sex with someone without alcohol and while I am really delighted that she is finally feeling this way I just wish she wasn't doing it with a married man. I'm concious of trying not to be judgemental and not be on my moral high horse but the whole thing makes me ill. I've told her I'd prefer not to talk about it but she keeps pushing it and as another poster said it could very well ruin our friendship if she keeps this up and I don't get on board. We've been friends since we were kids and I hate the thought of this coming between us. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this but I've a feeling its not going to end well. Thanks again for the replies.

Katgurl

just explain to her that you are married yourself & you find it really hard to listen to, tell her its her life and she can lead it as she wishes but you would prefer she didn't involve you.

fluffywoofie

what happens when the wife finds out or she finds herself pregnant ur friends a selfish fool plain and simple

Heineken Helen

fluffywoofie wrote: »

what happens when the wife finds out or she finds herself pregnant ur friends a selfish fool plain and simple

I had a friend who continued the affair while this guys wife was pregnant, bitching about the wife the entire time (who she'd never met) and even was with him when the wife was giving birth . There was no talking to this girl though so I didn't but I certainly didn't like to hear about it. He was a serious prick too.

K_P

It sounds like she knows herself that what she's doing is wrong and is looking for validation from you. The fact that you're not "excited for her" is just another reminder of how awful what she's doing is, hence her getting upset with you.

Sinall

Friendships are never as black or white as "I am happy therefore you must be happy for me, despite the fact that I am happy as I am doing something wrong!". Your friend feels that you are not excited for her but equally you could be annoyed as she is not bearing your recently married state in mind.

You will have to tell her (as I am sure you have done!) that you are happy that she is happy but that you cannot condone her affair with a married man and that you don't want to be privy to the details of it. Unfortunately this may cause some problems in your friendship but hopefully you can come through it and realise that this is just a "no-go" area for you both and agree to disagree.

Blangis

Minxie123 wrote: »

My best friend is sleeping with her co-worker who is married. She has told me that this guy has been trying for a baby with his partner. She feels a bit guilty but reckons that there is a sexual chemistry between them that can't be denied. I personally have an issue with all of this and can't help thinking of his poor wife. I'm recently married myself so I suppose its all a bit much for me. I know this is none of my business and I would love if she just didn't talk to me about it but she's upset with me that I won't 'get on board' with it or 'get excited' for her as she's having a good time with it all. I have tried to focus on the fact that she's my friend and that I don't know the wife but everytime she speaks to me about it I just get a really sick feeling in my stomach about it all. Is she asking too much of me to 'get on board' with this should I be enjoying the 'excitement' of this with her?

Tell her exactly what you think of her behaviour. Take the moral high ground with her! She would jump at the chance to take it with you. It will be fun, and cathartic for you, and everyone you tell about the subsequent row will agree with you.

LegacyUser

Minxie123 wrote: »

My best friend is sleeping with her co-worker who is married. She has told me that this guy has been trying for a baby with his partner. She feels a bit guilty but reckons that there is a sexual chemistry between them that can't be denied. I personally have an issue with all of this and can't help thinking of his poor wife. I'm recently married myself so I suppose its all a bit much for me. I know this is none of my business and I would love if she just didn't talk to me about it but she's upset with me that I won't 'get on board' with it or 'get excited' for her as she's having a good time with it all. I have tried to focus on the fact that she's my friend and that I don't know the wife but everytime she speaks to me about it I just get a really sick feeling in my stomach about it all. Is she asking too much of me to 'get on board' with this should I be enjoying the 'excitement' of this with her?

you could try telling her you're her friend and you think that
she deserves a man who will commit to her and
think she is the most special woman in the world and
love her and no one else etc.........

Basically make her realise that she deserves better and this guy is only using her, ask her would she continue going out with someone if they were cheating on her, why is this different he is cheating with on her with his wife.

Heineken Helen

It's quite possible that your friend is feeling left out now that you're married and stuff... she probably doesn't consider the wife at all... but just sees it as a normal relationship for her and maybe she' s been happy for you all along and simply doesn't understand why you can't be happy for her. From an outsider looking in, it seems a bit mad really:o

Anybody who cheats on a spouse is a loser... and we shouldn't date losers :cool:

iguana

If it was me I would tell her I don't approve of what she is doing and while her actions are her decision it is your decision that you don't want to hear anything about what she is doing. If she is happy with what she is doing, fine, but you don't want to hear about it and if she wants to continue as your friend she will respect your decision not to be involved.

Minxie123

Blangis wrote: »

Tell her exactly what you think of her behaviour. Take the moral high ground with her! She would jump at the chance to take it with you. It will be fun, and cathartic for you, and everyone you tell about the subsequent row will agree with you.

Oh no! The devil that normally resides on my shoulder has taken to posting on boards!

Minxie123

Heineken Helen wrote: »

It's quite possible that your friend is feeling left out now that you're married and stuff... she probably doesn't consider the wife at all... but just sees it as a normal relationship for her and maybe she' s been happy for you all along and simply doesn't understand why you can't be happy for her. From an outsider looking in, it seems a bit mad really:o

Anybody who cheats on a spouse is a loser... and we shouldn't date losers :cool:

Good point. And she was a great pal all through the planning of the wedding etc and a wonderful bridesmaid on the day. So I suppose I feel like I should return the favour and be her friend (warts and all!) through all of this.

Sinall wrote: »

Friendships are never as black or white as "I am happy therefore you must be happy for me, despite the fact that I am happy as I am doing something wrong!". Your friend feels that you are not excited for her but equally you could be annoyed as she is not bearing your recently married state in mind.

You will have to tell her (as I am sure you have done!) that you are happy that she is happy but that you cannot condone her affair with a married man and that you don't want to be privy to the details of it. Unfortunately this may cause some problems in your friendship but hopefully you can come through it and realise that this is just a "no-go" area for you both and agree to disagree.

Very diplomatic. Will have to try and talk to her again and see if we can come to some agreement to disagree.

Thanks again all for the replies!

aineolach

think about this: if your partner was cheating on you with somebody how would you want people to treat that person and your husband?

if i was in that situation i'd ostracize her.

LegacyUser

Your friend IS asking too much of you. You should say this to her...What if your friend gets pregnant with this man...

I know of such a case where it happened and am acquainted with both parties. Am only an outsider looking in but my God what a mess it became...and still is for that matter... the amount of pain and heartache caused to everyone including family and friends associated with the two. The real good friends ended all contact with the girl who was cheating with the married man... and as far as one could see they did it on the principle of "Tell me your company and I'll tell you what you are" idea...

I know what I'd do if I were in your position. There comes a time when one has to make a moral stand... cards on the table time to your friend i say.

Heineken Helen

Minxie123 wrote: »

Good point. And she was a great pal all through the planning of the wedding etc and a wonderful bridesmaid on the day. So I suppose I feel like I should return the favour and be her friend (warts and all!) through all of this.

It's a tough one:o it's easy to say to ostracize her... but she's your best friend so you'll have to come to some agreement between you. It could be a subconscious way of looking for attention, even from you... perhaps she feels (rightly or wrongly) that she's always been the good friend and got no attention in return.

In the case I mentioned before, I DID distance myself from the whole thing, cos it was extremely unhealthy for both of them (she was in tears a LOT) and I had to leave her to learn her own lesson unfortunately:o cos there was no talking to her or no getting through to her. Ultimately your friend is going to end up very upset over this and you're gonna have to be there for her and NO 'I told you so's tempting as it may be . It's really hard to know what the right thing to do is... I'd even be tempted to contact the wife anonymously and leave it in her hands... but usually you're best staying as far away from this as possible.

Ericka

Your friend has a lot of cheek asking you to be happy for her. Ask her how you think it makes you feel as a newly-wed yourself?

Also ask her how she'd like to be pregnant and cheated on? Maybe I have a short fuse, but if she couldn't give me the right answers to those questions, I wouldn't think twice about losing contact with her.

prinz

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Anybody who cheats on a spouse is a loser... and we shouldn't date losers :cool:

Anybody who cheats with a spouse is a loser....and we shouldn't befriend losers.

Takes two to tango. Whats worse is that many women don't know that the guy they are seeing is married etc. This girl is doing it in the full knowledge that he is and that he is trying for a child with his wife. How low can self-esteem go? She wants to have a bit of fun, but she is putting the lives of two and possibly three people, their families, friends etc, in figurative danger. Don't get me wrong this guy sounds like a tool, but the OP's friend is acting like one too.

magick

i think the word validation, is the key one here, shes looking for it, your not giving it, this pis*es her off.

username123

If I were you Id be upfront and tell her you dont agree with what she is doing and you dont want to be involved and you feel that being told the details and being asked to 'get on board' etc is making you be involved.

What your friend is doing is pretty horrible and as other posters have suggested I would definitely take the line with her that SHE deserves better than a married man whose wife she will always play second fiddle to. Ask her how good she is going to feel when she is the one sitting home alone for every special occasion like xmas, valentines etc...

LegacyUser

Had a similar situation with a friend. She was seeing a married man (seemingly had the whole I'll leave my wife thing). Told her three times that I thought she deserved better (I was convinced he was just using her for the thrill), but unfortunately had to let her learn her own lesson. It was a waste of her time, unfortunately.

The wife ended up finding out and went to meet my friend too. I was stunned that the wife didn't seem angry towards her, but then again, my friend and the wife weren't in a relationship themselves.

I personally feel sorry for his wife as she's obviously married to a bit of a p***k. They seemingly are still together and I wonder how many other woman this man has tried it on with.

LegacyUser

at the end of the day, her behaviour is challenging your values, and having been in this situation (with 2 friends!) - I can understand how head-melting it is - it can make you question your own tolerance, empathy and loyalty on levels you didnt think you would have to.... As I did with those 2 friends of mine, I told them I could not condone what they were doing, and I would stand by a friend while they willfully pursued a married man and risked breaking up another family, or do that to another woman.. What could be so damn attractive about such a cowardly, disloyal, cheating liar? Let her make her mistakes, and get hurt (as will inevitably happen) and learn her lessons - and talk her through the aftermath ( when he dumps her).... I think you are doing the right thing to say you dont want to listen to her go on about it, she's being insensitive to you (being a new wife yourself)...good luck!

CDfm

How stupid is she - this whole he is trying for a baby with his wife is just too much information. Sloppy seconds -blah- yuk.

For you -I agree that its upsetting to hear it as its a dark shadow over a romantic period of your life and you dont really need it. So tell her you really don't want to know or quietly drop her for now.

estar

metaphorically slap her around the face and then dump her for her lack of engagement with reality and also for being a total cow.

LegacyUser

I have a friend who had an affair with a married man who she met through work - he was her boss. He said that he loved her but he couldn't leave his kids etc - you know the story, everyone has heard it before.

After years (and I mean years) of us all telling her that she was a fool and he'd never leave his wife for her ...

... he left is wife for her. They're married now and very very happy.

Of course it was ugly for a while - especially with his kids. But that was none of my business.

My friend and I are still friends - just. I know that she remembers all those years of me slagging her husband off as a waste of her time - once a cheater, always a cheater and so on. My opinion? Keep your mouth shut. Listen and say nothing. You never know how things are going to turn out and if she's your best friend you probably want to keep it that way.

InReality

My 2c would be to tell her is great that she is happy sexually , and that she has found out she can be happy that way with someone , but to dump the married guy and keep an eye out for someone else.

IWishh

I find you're friend asking you to 'be on board' with her in this is incredibly insensitive!
Its insensitive in any matter but taking into account you yourself are a newlywed? That is really awful of her to put you in that situation.

If one of my friends came to me and told me she's having an affair with a married man who's trying for a baby with his wife, even if this friend was my greatest friend I have, I would be seriously concerned for the future of our friendship.

Blue_Wolf

Just stay out of it. Say to her you don't want to talk about it with her anymore. I think it's very sad and I feel bad for the wife.
It baffles me to why people get married and do all this.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a friend who had an affair with a married man who she met through work - he was her boss. He said that he loved her but he couldn't leave his kids etc - you know the story, everyone has heard it before.

After years (and I mean years) of us all telling her that she was a fool and he'd never leave his wife for her ...

... he left is wife for her. They're married now and very very happy.

Of course it was ugly for a while - especially with his kids. But that was none of my business.

My friend and I are still friends - just. I know that she remembers all those years of me slagging her husband off as a waste of her time - once a cheater, always a cheater and so on. My opinion? Keep your mouth shut. Listen and say nothing. You never know how things are going to turn out and if she's your best friend you probably want to keep it that way.

Doesnt make it right and she was still in the wrong.. You were right to disapprove and she has nothing to be smug about.

CDfm

Minxie123 wrote: »

She has told me that this guy has been trying for a baby with his partner.

This is the part that confuses me

She feels a bit guilty but reckons that there is a sexual chemistry between them that can't be denied.

So its just shagging

Is she asking too much of me to 'get on board' with this should I be enjoying the 'excitement' of this with her?

Cant understand this either????

Heineken Helen

CDfm wrote: »

So its just shagging

Most likely... but she's probably confusing that with some kinda love. I dunno why people do this and I'll never understand... but she's obviously just being completely stupid right now for whatever reason. I don't understand people telling the OP to never speak to her again though... the OP said that she's her best friend and she was fantastic throughout the organising of her wedding. Sounds like this is perhaps out of character? Which of us haven't messed up or done something stupid or even immoral in our life? What's she's doing is obviously wrong and she shouldn't be forcing the OP to be happy for her but, with my friend, when this was going on, she seemed completely oblivious to that. THEY were in a relationship and the wife was the one trying to get in the way and mess everything up :eek: It was all very very strange... but I just don't think people should be so quick to be judge and jury.

Minxie123

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Most likely... but she's probably confusing that with some kinda love. I dunno why people do this and I'll never understand... but she's obviously just being completely stupid right now for whatever reason. I don't understand people telling the OP to never speak to her again though... the OP said that she's her best friend and she was fantastic throughout the organising of her wedding. Sounds like this is perhaps out of character? Which of us haven't messed up or done something stupid or even immoral in our life? What's she's doing is obviously wrong and she shouldn't be forcing the OP to be happy for her but, with my friend, when this was going on, she seemed completely oblivious to that. THEY were in a relationship and the wife was the one trying to get in the way and mess everything up :eek: It was all very very strange... but I just don't think people should be so quick to be judge and jury.

Spot on Heineken Helen. It IS out of character for her. Its not like her to be so selfish and be able to act like this without feeling guilty. In fact normally she is the other extreme, feeling guilty over just about everything! Its making me question who she actually is. She's not acting like the girl I know, and love, at the moment. There is clearly no way I am going to ostracize her or dump her as a friend over the bad decisions and judgements she is making at the moment. We've been through WAY too much over the past 20 years for that. The reason for my original post was that I was having difficulty with whether I was being a bad friend by not getting excited for what is happening (ie the sexual liberation) for her at the moment. There is absolutely no question that she is doing is wrong on so many levels. But its like she just can't see that at all.

I've decided that I am going to talk to her on Monday and tell her that while I am there for her if she has any problems, I can't listen to the day to day goings on with the two of them. It goes against all I believe in and for us to keep our friendship going strong then this is the way it will have to be.

And when it all goes tits up, which it inevitably will, I will be there for her as a shoulder to cry on like I know she would be for me.

Thanks again to all for your replies, they genuinely helped

username123

Minxie123 wrote: »

Its not like her to be so selfish and be able to act like this without feeling guilty. In fact normally she is the other extreme, feeling guilty over just about everything!

She IS feeling guilty, but she wants this 'relationship' thats why she is coming on so strong to you to 'get on board' etc...because if you validate it for her then she can justify it further by thinking 'well my best mate whose opinion i respect thinks im ok for doing this'.

If you tell her you dont want any part of hearing about it etc...she is not going to be able to justify to herself as easily.

CDfm

username123 wrote: »

She IS feeling guilty

I don't see where you get the guilty thing from.I can't see it - she is'nt & maybe she likes the excitement & danger element of an affair.

Heineken Helen

Minxie123 wrote: »

Spot on Heineken Helen. It IS out of character for her. Its not like her to be so selfish and be able to act like this without feeling guilty. In fact normally she is the other extreme, feeling guilty over just about everything! Its making me question who she actually is. She's not acting like the girl I know, and love, at the moment. There is clearly no way I am going to ostracize her or dump her as a friend over the bad decisions and judgements she is making at the moment. We've been through WAY too much over the past 20 years for that. The reason for my original post was that I was having difficulty with whether I was being a bad friend by not getting excited for what is happening (ie the sexual liberation) for her at the moment. There is absolutely no question that she is doing is wrong on so many levels. But its like she just can't see that at all.

I've decided that I am going to talk to her on Monday and tell her that while I am there for her if she has any problems, I can't listen to the day to day goings on with the two of them. It goes against all I believe in and for us to keep our friendship going strong then this is the way it will have to be.

And when it all goes tits up, which it inevitably will, I will be there for her as a shoulder to cry on like I know she would be for me.

Thanks again to all for your replies, they genuinely helped

I think quite often when a man has an affair he will lavish the gf with attention and maybe gifts and stuff like that. If you're the girl in that situation, perhaps it's the best relationship EVER :rolleyes: cos maybe she's been needing some attention lately... many people go into some kinda depression or start feeling lonely when their best friend gets married and they can rationalise all kinds of stuff to themselves. She could have low self esteem and feel like she's not deserving of anything better... who knows?

I think maybe start paying more attention to other parts of her life and commenting on good stuff and saying how great it is... try and avoid the whole talk of him. Have a chat with her on Monday but it probably won't go very well and she'll think you're being unsupportive and perhaps jealous :rolleyes: (which is what I got accused of in the same situation) so be prepared for her to be defensive.

You're absolutely not being a bad friend at all... you're doing the right thing by not supporting her but not ditching her either... it's a tough one and you're gonna have to be very delicate... if it's anything like the situation I was put in.

CDfm

Heineken Helen wrote: »

I think quite often when a man has an affair he will lavish the gf with attention and maybe gifts and stuff like that. If you're the girl in that situation, perhaps it's the best relationship EVER :rolleyes: cos maybe she's been needing some attention lately... many people go into some kinda depression or start feeling lonely when their best friend gets married and they can rationalise all kinds of stuff to themselves. She could have low self esteem and feel like she's not deserving of anything better... who knows?

Whoa there Helen.Are you the Ghost of Barbara Cartland ?

The poor woman so impressed with a few trinkets,box of chocolates and an ice cream. He is a Gigilo.

Heineken Helen

CDfm wrote: »

Whoa there Helen.Are you the Ghost of Barbara Cartland ?

The poor woman so impressed with a few trinkets,box of chocolates and an ice cream. He is a Gigilo.

lol, not that I'm aware of. Just that any time I've seen this situation, that's how it's panned out... although there were plenty of promises... exotic holidays, massive house in the country, etc. but there were definitely expensive gifts.

I'm certainly not saying that she's right... far from it... I do not condone her actions in any way, nor do I understand them... just trying to make sense of why somebody would do it.

username123

CDfm wrote: »

I don't see where you get the guilty thing from.I can't see it - she is'nt & maybe she likes the excitement & danger element of an affair.

Its her guilt causing her to seek the validation of her best mate, if she knew what she was doing was ok she wouldnt need others to validate it for her.

LegacyUser

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered
I have a friend who had an affair with a married man who she met through work - he was her boss. He said that he loved her but he couldn't leave his kids etc - you know the story, everyone has heard it before.

After years (and I mean years) of us all telling her that she was a fool and he'd never leave his wife for her ...

... he left is wife for her. They're married now and very very happy.

Of course it was ugly for a while - especially with his kids. But that was none of my business.

My friend and I are still friends - just. I know that she remembers all those years of me slagging her husband off as a waste of her time - once a cheater, always a cheater and so on. My opinion? Keep your mouth shut. Listen and say nothing. You never know how things are going to turn out and if she's your best friend you probably want to keep it that way.

Doesnt make it right and she was still in the wrong.. You were right to disapprove and she has nothing to be smug about.

She neither is nor was smug. All I'm saying is that you have to separate your feelings about this from your feelings about your friend. If it makes you feel uncomfortable when she talks about her relationship, tell her you don't want to discuss it and leave it at that. That's what I wish I'd done.

CDfm

username123 wrote: »

Its her guilt causing her to seek the validation of her best mate, if she knew what she was doing was ok she wouldnt need others to validate it for her.

I am not buying that theory -maybe there is no guilt. She is probably doing it because she can and wants to.

We

Tell her she's a waste of space, because that's exactly what she is. I really don't understand how some people can be such snakes to people, even people they don't know.. Sure there's lies etc.. but there is a line. And that crap crosses it bigtime

Darthhoob

im in same situation really, my friend kept going on about her man trouble with her lover (who is married with kids!) and i cant find it in myself to feel sorry for her? i've been honest with her about it though so she doesn't talk to me about it anymore as she doesn't hear what she wants to LOL

was totally different when her ex had an affair though...ofc :rolleyes:

CDfm

Heineken Helen wrote: »

lol, not that I'm aware of. Just that any time I've seen this situation, that's how it's panned out... although there were plenty of promises... exotic holidays, massive house in the country, etc. but there were definitely expensive gifts.

But its not that here is it - there is no reason for us to believe they are not 2 civil servants or teachers of equal rank.

I'm certainly not saying that she's right... far from it... I do not condone her actions in any way,

Its really a case of saying don't condemn and don't condone and maybe the OP is uncomfortable with her friend around her new husband but is unable to face up to it. Thats what I think.

Thats a natural feeling.

A curious thing that often comes up in clandestine affairs is that no-one but the participants get hurt.

I know I am speculating but the Man is trying to father a child with his Partner and surely with all we know about male fertility in some cases "every sperm is sacred" so it may not be as victimless after all.