Attachment etc.

LegacyUser

So, I've seen about 20 of these threads.
Anyway, I'm 22, have had 10 sexual partners ever but have never been in a relationship, not even for a week not even in school.

Anyway, it's not so much that I have self-confidence issues(I think) or that I just don't get to meet women but I have a problem identifying with them or something.

Perhaps I objectify women but then I also objectify male friends, everybody, probably myself too.
It's not that I don't have any empathy, I am very carefull of other's feelings and feel bad about hurting others etc.

I just cannot connect with people.To a certain extent I have connected with a few friends, it's the usual cycle of one best friend say every 3 years but then I would move somewhere else or find a new friend and never really talk to old friends ever again and not really care about it.I'd even attempt to lose contact sometimes.

In fact I might even avoid them as I don't want to be bored and feel obliged to talk for half an hour.

I definitely only have friends who are extremely interesting and intellegent but I completely stop communicating with them if they talk about personal problems, moan etc....So i don't think I really care about anyone.I'm just interested in entertainment and mental stimulation really. I never lie though in fairness.

Anyway, the main problem is with relationships, the lack of. I never really cared to be honest, I thought a sure I'm open to offers, it's not my problem.
However, I'm really sick of going out trying to meet someone, calling them after, spending loads of time and money to try and get sex and then not regular enough.

So, I thought, relationship.And there is one or two women presently who I'm sleeping with occasionally or kissed who are txting me and the likes.I find it some effort though, to talk to them about those things I've absolutely no interest in.All the bull**** people talk about.

Anyway, ideally I would find someone with similar interests you might say. However, in all four years that I've been in college there has never been a girl in my class.

I don't know, am I ever going to care about a woman enough ever, to want to even go out with her?

Recently I tried to run off to South Africa for three years on my own, unfortunely that fell through.Most people were like,''South Africa!'',''but sure we'll never see ye again'' and I thought,''Ah yeah sure that was always gonna happen''.

I just don't get it, I'm definitely missing something here that other people feel.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

However, I'm really sick of going out trying to meet someone, calling them after, spending loads of time and money to try and get sex and then not regular enough.

If that's your mindset, then forget about having a relationship. Not judging, since many people would be OK with the above, but just pointing out that having that "goal" and thereby ruling out the other person as a person that you can interact with on other levels means that there's no way an actual relationship could start or develop.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

If that's your mindset, then forget about having a relationship. Not judging, since many people would be OK with the above, but just pointing out that having that "goal" and thereby ruling out the other person as a person that you can interact with on other levels means that there's no way an actual relationship could start or develop.

Agreed.Too wrapped up in themselves to be capable of a relationship.

LegacyUser

I think you might be a little too in love with yourself to properly care for anyone else......

you said you've never met someone "in your class".......... screams of a mé féiner IMO

LegacyUser

OP here.

Yeah, I get that, I'm very self-absorbed but like, how can you not be ?

And I hate going out chatting to complete strangers, trying to impress them with forced witty banter etc...with people I don't even like...there's got to be another way.

The last thing I want to be is Phoney though.

I know I'm incapable of having a relationship, thats my problem but I want to change that but I don't want to lose me either, if you know what I mean.

I mean I can't be incapable of having a relationship forever, that would just be depressing.

I'm worried.
Like for example, there's a girl right now, who's txtin' me. I really like her, she's honest, sweet, smart and caring but I'm actually not bothered making the effort to see her. Why is this? It doesn't really make sense. She definitely complains that I don't contact her enough. I don't want to get involved because I know I'll only end up pissing her off or making her sad or something.

But if I don't do it now, will I ever?

metaoblivia

OP,
I get what you're saying. I think it's good that you've recognized this about yourself and want to change it.
I have attachment issues too, and for me it's a defense mechanism. I'm afraid of rejection and by keeping people at an emotional distance, it prevented me from ever feeling rejected. If I opened myself up to another person and became attached, they might leave or they might not like what they see and that was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
For years, this was all subconscious. I would say, oh I don't care what other people think of me. And I didn't, because I wasn't attached to them. It was just the way I lived my life. But I noticed a pattern and did some soul searching, went to therapy and worked on it. And it's getting better, slowly.
So, OP, now that you've recognized a behaviour pattern you would like to change, maybe you should seek some professional help for it. A counselor or therapist might be able to help you see why you don't form attachments and help you change that.

Blangis

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't get it, I'm definitely missing something here that other people feel.

Just be yourself, be happy, and forget about trying to be like other people. Most of what they feel is worthless anyway.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I think you might be a little too in love with yourself to properly care for anyone else......

you said you've never met someone "in your class".......... screams of a mé féiner IMO

Hi OP here,

Thats insane, I meant class as in college class, as in it's hard to find someone who might share interests and even harder still someone with the same thought patterns.

I'm definitely not egotistical it's more I'm delighted to be different but i definitely am my own best friend and I do like myself a lot but i wouldn't compare myself to others.

I think maybe you have to have a bit of a self-confidence crisis to fall in love with someone perhaps. But then again I wouldn't know.

In my own class? I don't even make class distinction, I don't think I could even belong to a class even if there were such a thing.It's just me. I don't idolise or look up to people, I don't envy or hate anyone but I am self absorbed, although I think everyone is 100%. So, i don't know, I'm a very mentally stable, happy even, individual, I just don't know how to initiate a relationship....I guess part of me just doesn't want to but it would be nice to see.

I find it very hard to relate to someone in my ground state, so to speak, thats all I want really and I always try to be open to the possibility.

estar

man. RELAX. you analyse everything and everyone. even in casual conversation you never relax.

1. you seem to have moved around a lot as a kid and got used to not having deep bonds with friends as you were going to move on - is that right?

2. you are an engineer and mathematical? or computer science, prone to being analytical?

3. you are only 22. you still have to grow up. most men mature slower emotionally than most women (although in some cases this is sadly not the case)

if you want to engage more with people i prescribe the following

1. no more casual sex. you are learning that sex and emotion are divorced.

2. only one partner at a time.

3. DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON EXCEPT TO BE NICE.

you need to step outside the reality of being you. ive never read a better candidate for volunteer work in my life. by giving to other people we bond with them.

4. try being a good friend. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. sorry to have to listen to other people moan. get over it. life isnt all about gratification.

YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY FLAT BECAUSE YOU GIVE NOTHING AWAY.

estar

if you arent feeling delighted and special that she is texting you then dont lead her on. just tell her what you think exactly. stop over analysing and second guessing. say - im not sure about where this is going and dont want to hurt your feelings, i dont think im ready for anything serious and you are worth more than casual.

if you were ready, you would know. stop analysing and take a risk and be yourself. you arent really being yourself. you are you over seeing you being you.

stop worrying about what you are or are not. you are only 22 many people havent had a serious connection with a girl by then. as for the friends. take care of them. be nice to them. listen to them. that is what caring is and being connected is.

love isnt just an emotion its a verb. a series of actions that demonstrate how you feel.

LegacyUser

Me again,

yeah well, you were correct except for point 1.I mean I've always been dettached a bit even as a child, though ironically I love being the centre of attention.

Anyways, yeah i think I'll just tell that to the girl. I just feel like i'm letting these opertunities pass by when maybe I could be pushing myself into difficult territory, which is the only way to grow and learn.

I've started doing things like getting back in contact with people I shouldn't in an attempt basically to try and use them,even though I never got how one could use another.....Anyway, I know it's a really bad idea but I'm just really desperate to make a connection with someone.

I know you say RELAX but this is who I am, I think everything out, every second....It's probably just where I feel safe, just like an adult version of a blanky! Basically a classic Hamlet case. Isn't everyone?
The word RELAX does not undo about 16 years of thought pattern unfortunately.

But maybe I'm not being open.....you said voluntary work....well maybe I guess but my next four years are already full, I really do have a problem here but I really can't do anything much for at least three years and I'm certainly not gonna go without sex for that long.

Just 3 more years and I'll be finished what I started when I was 4......then I can take a step back, relax, re-asess my life and do whatever the hell I want for a while until I come up with some new goal.

I want to give to someone, I just can't find anyone to give to. I guess I'll just keep doing what I do.