How do I get him to clean?

LegacyUser

Any suggestions on how to make a very messy bf to clean?

I have had all the chats, the discussions, the rotas, etc and nothing is working. I can't withold anything because he is way more stubborn than me. He just can't be bothered. We just moved in together - for about 2 months and wow it is bad. Everything else is great. I knew he was messy before but for some reason thought that it would be different.

Its driving me mad! Any suggestions?

SarahSassy

Get a cleaner and make him pay half. Get the cleaner in often enough to keep the place clean and if he complains give it to him straight.

I cant abide lazy / dirty people but the questions begs to be asked - did you not know this before you moved in with him?

LegacyUser

I did know it but I thought it would be different when we moved in together. We can't afford a cleaner so we will have to do it but up to now it's just been me!

I'm thinking a strike - i won't do anything either. But he could just not notice and carry on regardless.

Any suggestions from guys? What would make you help your gf clean? I don't want to nag - it doesn't work anyway!

_blank_

SarahSassy wrote: »

did you not know this before you moved in with him?

His mammy probably kept his room clean for him.

NewFrockTuesday

Just clean your own stuff for a while. Its horrible living with a messer and shows that hes a selfish git if he wont contribute to the smooth running of the house. It demonstrates very little respect for your wishes as well which I would be looking at closely.

If a guy is a lazy slob, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I dont find filth attractive so how could I possibly enjoy him if hes the source of filth. Withholding is another solution.

Gyalist

Deepsense wrote: »

Withholding is another solution.

Withholding what? Care to clarify?

ellie1

Gyalist wrote: »

Withholding what? Care to clarify?

SEX:rolleyes:

Iago

withholding is never a solution, unless of course you want the relationship to end but haven't the courage to end it yourself.

If he doesn't want to clean then he's unlikely to change, as advised above tell him that if he's willing to pay for a cleaner then he doesn't have to worry about it.

Gyalist

ellie1 wrote: »

SEX:rolleyes:

If the OP follows that advice it is likely that she'll end up with bigger problems than him being a filthy slob.

ellie1

Gyalist wrote: »

If the OP follows that advice it is likely that she'll end up with bigger problems than him being a filthy slob.

And if the op follows the advice, her other half will be fairly swift about cleaning up.....:D

NewFrockTuesday

withholding is never a solution, unless of course you want the relationship to end but haven't the courage to end it yourself.

I wouldnt find filth attractive. The end of the relationship would be inevitable for me.

The cleaner is a good idea. let him pay fully though if youre constantly cleaning. Or else relax and pay half. I know which Id prefer

shellyboo

ellie1 wrote: »

And if the op follows the advice, her other half will be fairly swift about cleaning up.....:D

Yes, because men are little more than animals who have to be trained into "good" behaviour like dogs by the witholding of sex, the only thing they actually care about. [/sarcasm]

Can we give this guy a modicum of credit here? He most likely has a brain, he's not just a penis with legs. I'm sure he can be appealed to rationally without being treated like a bold child and having his favourite toy taken away as punishment, ffs.

The cleaner idea is an excellent one. There's little chance he'll suddenly become a neat and tidy person, the best thing you can do is eliminate this as an issue before it destroys your relationship.

aye

shellyboo wrote: »

Yes, because men are little more than animals who have to be trained into "good" behaviour like dogs by the witholding of sex, the only thing they actually care about. [/sarcasm]

lol, gas.

the cleaner is a good idea temporarily, but ultimately its just ignoring the problem.
its not that hard to clean up after yourself tbh, but it seems this guy has always had someone to do it, so he doesnt bother.
hiring a cleaner is just allowing this attitude to continue really, and at a price.
"ah sure, someone else will clean it."

Maybe hire a cleaner for a while, and slowly lower the amount of time the cleaner comes a week and see if he starts getting pissed off at the mess.

or alternatively, OP stop cleaning, he'll have a line where he'll decide its too messy, and start cleaning himself, thats if you can hold out tho

oh and no dont withold sex cos of this, its childish and only going to cause bigger problems if you start using sex as a weapon.

ellie1

quote=shellyboo;59631191]Yes, because men are little more than animals who have to be trained into "good" behaviour like dogs by the witholding of sex, the only thing they actually care about. [/sarcasm]

Can we give this guy a modicum of credit here? He most likely has a brain, he's not just a penis with legs. I'm sure he can be appealed to rationally without being treated like aquote=shellyboo;5963119

Wow! did you not see my smiley face. Ill do it again:D

And op if all else fails!!!!:D

shellyboo

ellie1 wrote: »

Wow! did you not see my smiley face. Ill do it again:D

And op if all else fails!!!!:D

I don't think it's particularly funny to treat men, anyone, like that. So yeah, I saw it... I still think it's a horrible way to treat someone.

LegacyUser

I have the same problem so I can't help but maybe we should just tidy our bits, wash/iron our clothes etc, then leave theirs....only problem is, it would probably start a row. There really is no winning, it is a case of their mums did everything for them.

LegacyUser

Op here thanks for the replies everyone! Tried to post back earlier but it's quite slow.

No I wouldn't ever do the witholding thing and anyway it wouldn't work because he is extremely stubborn and would see it as childish and I would agree.

Can't afford a cleaner so that's out. And he's not an awful person so there's no way I'd break up with him over it - this is just annoying and in fairness he does have to be trained.

Has anyone had to deal with this before and what was the outcome? I'm thinking at this stage an all out strike would work and hopefully he will get p*ssed off when he can't find anything and has to wade through the crap on the floor to get to the kitchen or the bed. ha!

ellie1

shellyboo wrote: »

I don't think it's particularly funny to treat men, anyone, like that. So yeah, I saw it... I still think it's a horrible way to treat someone.

Sorry for offending you. Just a little harmless humour.

Op, another thing a friend of mine swears by, if he does anything in the house to clean , lap on the praise, let him know how much it means to you etc. This will encourage him to continue with this positive behaviour.

It may seem to some like your training a dog or treating him like a small child but according to her it really does work.

buckieburd

The only way to get through is to have a calm chat. If you go on about it he'll think your nagging. My OH was a bit like this when we moved in and there was a few rows then one night i took him out for a pint (helps to be on neutral territory!!) and explained that we both work full time, we both pay the rent and the bills so why should i have to do all the cleaning. Since then he always does his bit and if he starts slipping I gently let him know ( :
Either that or you do it all and ask him for Housekeeping money, it's only fair!
Best of luck!

vorbis

umm encouraging someone when they do something well is something that "works" on everyone male and female! Nagging doesn't work for the same reason as its a constant negative. The best approach OP is to wait until he starts cleaning. You're currently making it too easy for him.

aidan24326

vorbis wrote: »

The best approach OP is to wait until he starts cleaning.

It is? And what if he never starts? I don't think you really thought that one through vorbis!

You're currently making it too easy for him.

Indeed she is, but how exactly would simply waiting and doing nothing be making it less easy for him?

OP you should just talk to him about it, calmly but firmly. Let him know it's an issue for you, and if he loves/respects you he will make the effort. Something like buckieburd suggested should do the trick.

Stheno

Unregistered wrote: »

I did know it but I thought it would be different when we moved in together. We can't afford a cleaner so we will have to do it but up to now it's just been me!

I'm thinking a strike - i won't do anything either. But he could just not notice and carry on regardless.

Any suggestions from guys? What would make you help your gf clean? I don't want to nag - it doesn't work anyway!

Just do your own cleaning/washing etc, as his mess piles up he should reach the point of no return and actually do something. Or try as someone suggested, and take him out for a drink and talk it through.

Tbh if you knew he was messy before you moved in and thought it would be different, you were only fooling yourself.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Yes, because men are little more than animals who have to be trained into "good" behaviour like dogs by the witholding of sex, the only thing they actually care about. [/sarcasm]

Can we give this guy a modicum of credit here? He most likely has a brain, he's not just a penis with legs. I'm sure he can be appealed to rationally without being treated like a bold child and having his favourite toy taken away as punishment, ffs.

The cleaner idea is an excellent one. There's little chance he'll suddenly become a neat and tidy person, the best thing you can do is eliminate this as an issue before it destroys your relationship.

it's a shame that some women do actually believe this about the men in their lives, at least you can see the good in him and know the non cleaning part is only a small part of who he is.

Nitxteha

It's a waste of time to argue because of the cleaning. If you tell him off he's going to see you as his mum nagging at him.

If you do the cleaning get him to do something else. If cleaning bothers you too much, get a cleaner (you could cut on other expenses, such as going out for instance..).

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I did know it but I thought it would be different when we moved in together

ROFL:D:D:D

Any suggestions from guys? What would make you help your gf clean? I don't want to nag - it doesn't work anyway!

Maybe pick 2 hours a week where you will do chores together. Good habits take a while to pick up and repetition is important. Oh -and buy some clothes hampers.

matrim

you could try sitting him down to talk about it an then draw up a rota of stuff to do. So that the cleaning is split between you. Then put this somewhere that he will see it, so that he doesn't forget what he has to do.

CDfm

matrim wrote: »

you could try sitting him down to talk about it an then draw up a rota of stuff to do. So that the cleaning is split between you. Then put this somewhere that he will see it, so that he doesn't forget what he has to do.

ah the talk thing - scary:eek::eek:

monkey see monkey do is the evolutionary stage of my own domesticity.

JOL

Here is a suggestion.

MINIMISE.

My sister's fella was a bit lazy in the cleaning department too, so she removed all of the cutelry and delf bar 2 cups, 2 spoons, 2 plates etc etc.
i.e his and hers exclusively, she uses hers and the dirty fecker can use & wash his.

I am just saying if you reduce the amount of stuff the messer has there is likely to be less of a mess.

If all eles fails shove a broom handle up his ass :eek:

CDfm

Nitxteha wrote: »

It's a waste of time to argue because of the cleaning. If you tell him off he's going to see you as his mum nagging at him.

Are you suggesting inviting his mum round as a behaviour modifiction strategy:mad:.

Cruel and unusual like using spurs on a shetland pony.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

I don't think it's particularly funny to treat men, anyone, like that. So yeah, I saw it... I still think it's a horrible way to treat someone.

Withholding sex isnt the answer, but as a man I have to say it's hard to feel sexy when you're living in filth. Once again another case of a lazy, ignorant and self-centred male. tbh if the shoe was on the other foot for me, either she cleans her stuff up or she moves her stuff out until she grows up a bit.

Nevyn

JOL banned for a week for unhelpful posting and advocating assult and rape with an object.

Monkey61

OP I presume your boyfriend just doesn't understand how important it is for you to have things clean. Having spent my entire childhood doing all of the cleaning every day I was so glad of that break when I moved out of home that I became extremely lazy with regards cleaning up. I would never live in filth or anything, but it just wouldn't bother me if a plate wasn't washed for a few days, or a rubbish bag was sitting on the floor. This was a massive problem for my last girlfriend (I didn't actually realise this though until after we broke up).

We lived together and she did all the housework. It was a habit that formed more than anything else. And the fact that having dishes on the counter would annoy her a lot sooner than it would annoy me - so even though I would have every intention of doing them, she would go ahead and do them anyway because she couldn't stand waiting for me to get around to it. Because she always did the cleaning, I just presumed that she didn't mind cleaning - whereas I hate it. So it seemed to make more sense for me to let her do it. Ridiculous logic of course. I have learnt this though and will never be the same again when living with a partner.

Anyway, you are going to need to bargain with him. Tell him that if he does X amount of cleaning by a certain time (make it a very short time limit) then you will do something nice for him in return. Sit him down for a proper chat about it and ask him if he particularly hates any aspect of cleaning and tell him what you hate and see if a compromise can be reached. I hate cleaning bathrooms for example but I quite like hoovering and dusting. Or as somebody else said, set a specific time in the week where the two of you stick some music on and have a big clean together, then go for a drink afterwards or something.

Make sure he knows though how much it is bothering you and how his messiness over time will probably lead to the deterioration of his feelings for you.

Heineken Helen

I agree with the above.. SOME men (and women too) simply don't notice stuff... while for you (and me too) it's all you can see.

I've had plenty of male housemates and years of experience living with only men:D and they're not bad people, they don't do it on purpose... it's not that they don't respect you (you must get this into your head) BUT they just don't have the same levels of cleanliness as you do. After years of trying everything to get them to share the cleaning, I even tried the strike thing... and that doesn't work because again, they don't notice stuff... and the place got to be seriously disgusting before I gave in and cleaned it :eek:seriously Kim and Aggie or whatever their names are wouldn't even go in. Even when I did rotas, in fairness to them, they DID try and they would do everything on the list... to a certain extent there'd always be something that would be ridiculous and half arsed done... even if I had to do it again after them, I just did it, no point saying anything... and I kept the rota in place cos it means I'm not the only one doing it all anyway and it's something they're gonna have to learn.

JC 2K3

Different people have different definitions of what "clean" means. For some people it is below hygenic levels and for others it is total and utter overkill. People also have different approaches too, e.g. some people insist on cleaning everything straight away, while others prefer to leave things and do everything in one go.

A chat about what exactly "clean" means to each of you each of your approaches to cleaning is needed, and then perhaps you can reach a compromise.

Turty3

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here thanks for the replies everyone! Can't afford a cleaner so that's out. And he's not an awful person so there's no way I'd break up with him over it - this is just annoying and in fairness he does have to be trained.

Has anyone had to deal with this before and what was the outcome? I'm thinking at this stage an all out strike would work and hopefully he will get p*ssed off when he can't find anything and has to wade through the crap on the floor to get to the kitchen or the bed. ha!

I've been living for years with someone who is blind to the dirt I see and wouldn't think to wash a floor or clean a toilet without being asked specifically. It used to drive me crazy and the anger would build up in me over a period of months and then I'd explode at him. Rotas never worked and led to me underlining his missed tasks and therefore caused more rows. Talking didn't help because I would end up feeling guilty (he's really good at making me feel like I'm wrong) and striking was a joke because the mess only bothered me. Finally I hired a cleaner to come into the home once a fortnight and blitz the place; it took three hours and cost 45 but it meant that my stress levels dropped & therefore my mood improved. I could relax in the evenings and not whinge about the state of the place. I could maintain a level of cleanliness that was acceptable and he would pick up all his clothes off the floor the night before she came - no bloke wants a strange female to see their dirty cacks! I stopped washing his clothes years ago and he took the hint when he ran out of underwear; he always takes care of his own washing & ironing because I just don't do it. If you can set aside the money for someone to do the major cleaning it really is worth it.

CDfm

I am going to go out on a limb here as the post is going a bit off topic.

Next time he is on the toilet stand on any chair and scream and dont come down. Display kitchen mouse induced phobia and mouse paranoia. Bedroom too " can you pick that towel/ piece of clothing up I think it moved and He might be hiding under it."

Mouse terrors could last up to a month and can be revived occasionally.Of course,if he uses its only a mouse on you;how can you ever be sure it was only a mouse - it was huge and may have been a small rat.

You can tell everyone how brave he is:D

raptorman

I find different peoples idea of clean quite funny. A mate of mine wouldnt want a plate left sitting over night but would have no problem putting his feet up on the coffee table or using the same rags/sponges in the bathroom and on kitchen surfaces for cleaning as he would be using a disinfectant.

Blue_Wolf

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm thinking a strike - i won't do anything either. But he could just not notice and carry on regardless.

On the ball there! There's a limit, he will see the dishes piling up and what's he going to say to you? What's the story with the cleaning, and than attack!!

TheDollyParton

I live with a male friend who I have the same issue with, and the problem with the strike tactic is that if they are oblivious to it the mess just builds and builds, your rage builds with it, and in the end you wind up crying, fed up and cleaning it anyway.

994

ellie1 wrote: »

And if the op follows the advice, her other half will be fairly swift about cleaning up.....:D

Starting by picking up his clothes off the floor ... and putting them into a suitcase :pac:

LegacyUser

OP, Im sorry to say but nagging is the only answer here.
You've tried the talk, the rota, the next talk, the DIY, none of it works.
I was/am that same fella. Hardly did anything living with the OH
She had the talk the rota the next talk etc but she got sick of it and Nagged
It made me move off my bum fast enough.
First off he will do it badly, thats just the way we do it when we dont want to

Someone had a good idea earlier in the thread in commenting when he actually does something.
For instance, you get home from work and he has cleaned the something up. Tell him thanks, that you werent looking forward to doing it. He WILL do it more often.

Eventually he will get better at it and will surprise you sometime. Maybe even have the bedsheets changed and new duvet cover on the bed. Im not messing, to quote tesco,
Every Little Helps...

Good Luck...

bubblewrap

raptorman wrote: »

I find different peoples idea of clean quite funny. A mate of mine wouldnt want a plate left sitting over night but would have no problem putting his feet up on the coffee table or using the same rags/sponges in the bathroom and on kitchen surfaces for cleaning as he would be using a disinfectant.

:eek:

I would be sick. Men just don't get the grasp of hygiene.

raptorman

And there's no talking to him! So as a compromise I dont leave anything in the sink at all and we have seperate cleaning stuff!
I was illustrating the difference between being tidy and hygenic.

bubblewrap

My boyfriend is very hygienic but very untidy, I should be grateful for the former but it drives me insane picking wrappers and clothes off the floor.

There really is no telling people, they will only do it if they feel like it and they never do, and also telling them makes them want to rebel.

b3t4

You haven't told him straight about this one have you? You've moddy coddled the truth that it annoys you. You don't want to come across as the nagging girlfriend etc.

You have to lay down the situation to him. Here's how I see your situation progressing.

1) He doesn't help out.
2) You get more and more frustrated at this
3) You suddenly realise you're more his mother than his girlfriend.
4) You're pissed off and tired and day by day you're loosing your sex appeal for him
5) You'll keep going for a few years.
6) Ye get pregnant.
7) Babs comes along and he's still doing nothing.
8) You're more tired and more stressed and there is even less sex.
9) Relationship is heading downhill fast.

Give him reasons as to why you like and want the cleaning to be done i.e
1) when the place is tidy you feel more relaxed which means you'll be in a better mood which means it's good for him and you
2) you don't want to end up nagging him and therefore ending up being his mother than his girlfriend
3) He's a grown man and you're tired of putting up with his lazyness.

Give him specific tasks to do. Take bin out. Clean sink when you're cleaning the bath. Clean once a week. See if you can afford a dish washer.

If you keep pussy footing around the issue how is he ever going to take you seriously?

A.

CDfm

ellie1 wrote: »

SEX:rolleyes:

I have been questioning my motivation to clean.

What does this involve?

MollyRo

from my own long experience of living with the messiest guy in history, he will never change. I would look up cleaners if I were you. gradually it affects your relationship as it starts to feel that he does not respect you - and its probably part of it in my opinion!! or get rid of him... i did, never been happier!! my ex was an exception... you couldn't leave him anywere - complete klutz

LegacyUser

I came across your thread and had to reply because i too am in the same situation, as most females co-habiting im guessing. My BF and i are living together , and in four years we have been together i have never once seen him clean the toilet, wipe the counter in the kitchen, tidy up you name it. The only way he will do it is if i ask, and when he does he does it so badly i have to re do it. I really couldnt get my head around it, surely its his place too? Its not like he has to do it only for me. Anyway, after a while of this in the beginning i got very frustrated and asked for advice from a friend of mine ( male ). He informed me that it was in fact a trick all men play. You see, if i ask him to clean and he does it badly, i will then not ask him to do it again, therefore he is freeeeeee from cleaning ever again!! so there, i just thought id share that with you. Bottom line, men couldnt really be bothered and if forced to actually help, will sabotage it so never to be asked again. Also, I would have agree that it never changes....it never changes...