How should i tell her???

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 10:01am #1

So ive been the other woman for 2 years - promised he'd leave, all the usual. He didnt...
Now its over and i thinking about telling his girlfriend.

No not thinking - im actually going to do it. What would be better, call, face to face or email?

Wibbs · 31-03-2009 10:04am

Examine your reasons why first. Revenge? Genuine concern for the other woman? I suspect the former.

jon1981 · 31-03-2009 10:06am

why cause her pain? she didn't hurt you! she is innocent in all this. cop on would ya. :rolleyes:

cantdecide · 31-03-2009 10:07am

+1

It's not your place. I suspect vengeance. If so, please grow up and accept some responsibility for your own actions.

31-03-2009 10:08am

So you've wasted two years of your life with a man who saw you as nothing but a bit on the side, made false promises which you fell for and now you're trying to hurt his wife/girlfriend to make yourself feel better?

You really need to look at your motives.

The fact that you preceeded your post title with a big grinning smiley shows your immaturity and maybe answers a lot as to why you've failed to have a successful relationship.

seanybiker · 31-03-2009 10:09am

jon1981 wrote: »

why cause her pain? she didn't hurt you! she is innocent in all this. cop on would ya. :rolleyes:

Totally agree.

Sounds pretty childish to me. Ya where happy knowing you where the other woman for two years but then when me man leaves you ya get all silly and want to ruin his missus life.
Get your own fella next time and avoid the hassle.

SarahSassy · 31-03-2009 10:09am

I would agree that she needs to know and I would prefer to be told by his mistress than not know at all. If you have the balls to do it then do it face to face. If not dont take the cheats (and you are complicit in the whole thing) way out and mail her. Take responsibility for your own part and talk to her. She will prob have questions for you anyway.

Shame on you for being a mistress for 2 years....

Katgurl · 31-03-2009 10:09am

everyone's going to advise you not to... but you sound like your mind is made up.

So my answer to your question would be a phonecall. If you email you are in a passive position not knowing when it has arrived and on tenterhooks waiting for a reaction (which may never come). If you do it in person you'll most likely have a hysterical, angry woman on your hands. Do it on the phone if and only if you are really determined to go through with it. Please bear in mind she may well blame / hate you & make your life a living hell.

Please remember that short-changed as you feel she is a person (well victim actually) whose world is going to come crashing around her ears. Be kind.

Gary ITR · 31-03-2009 10:11am

Face to face I'd say. That way she has the opportunity to give you a good hiding.
You're not an innocent victim here, at the end of the day you've known for two years he wasn't single

K_P · 31-03-2009 10:11am

I'm not sure I agree. Shouldn't the girlfriend know that her boyfriend is a scumbag? Granted, the OP's motives are selfish, but if my OH had been having an affair for 2 years, I'd want to know.

ManOfMystery · 31-03-2009 10:12am

Unregistered wrote: »

So ive been the other woman for 2 years - promised he'd leave, all the usual. He didnt...
Now its over and i thinking about telling his girlfriend.

No not thinking - im actually going to do it. What would be better, call, face to face or email?

Friend of mine was in similar situation, he even got engaged to his gf while he was seeing her on the side and she still thought he'd leave!

Just move on - forget him.

cantdecide · 31-03-2009 10:12am

Why would there be a

if there weren't a sadistic pleasure to be gained from it. I would prefer she knew but it's not someone's place to get their jollies by doing it...

smileysurfer · 31-03-2009 10:21am

cantdecide wrote: »

Why would there be a if there weren't a sadistic pleasure to be gained from it. I would prefer she knew but it's not someone's place to get their jollies by doing it...

I would have to agree here!! I think the girlfriend needs to know but for her own benefit, not because the other woman wants revenge! She needs to know what kind of cheating creep she is going out with!!
You sound fairly spiteful and nasty IMO ! Also im thinking karma is involved here!! Youv been the other woman for 2 years knowing that he has been cheating on his OH and you were hoping he would dump her, now that hes dumped you instead I would be inclined to say Iv no pity or respect for anyone like you!

What goes around comes around!! Tell her if you want but your still the one that he dumped! i
Whatever your motives are for telling its not gonna help your situation at all, apart from the 5 minute kick you may get out of it! Still..... I really pity his poor girlfriend!

Thumpette · 31-03-2009 10:26am

You sound like you have genuinely convinced yourself you are the victim here.

You are not.

She is.

It's not your business to tell her. He should man up and do that himself.

If it was me I would hate to find out like that- dont be so selfish! Have you actually spared a single thought for this woman's feelings?

_blank_ · 31-03-2009 10:27am

She might not believe you.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 10:30am

Arggggggg me again I didnt know i was the other woman for 2 years!!! And i left him because i found out i was the other woman. Long long story - she worked abroad and he had to travel for his work so it was very cosy. Now she has lost her job and is going back to Ireland.

We even lived together!!!!

Yeah i know the smiley face was childish, i got outta bed feeling sh*t. God i was dreaming about her and the first thing i did was post my question.

Made me feel better, thats all

John Mason · 31-03-2009 10:35am

Why would you want to do that ?

i hope to good karma runs you over and you get everything you deserve.

you are a wicked and shameful person

arybvtcw0eolkf · 31-03-2009 10:58am

If its a stupid, sad attempt to get the ex back, I fear your only success will that you'll have not one, but two people hating your guts - your ex & his GF, who obviously had better qualities than you had to offer anyhow.

If he stayed because there were children involved, then leave that family alone. If thats the case, his intentions likely WERE to have a permanent relationship with you but he couldn't tear himself from his family - let them be, knowing that he's at least unhappy with his partner but knowing his children are happy.

.

biko · 31-03-2009 11:02am

Tell him you will tell her in 2 weeks and he has before that time to tell her himself. Then tell her face to face.
Bring something personal he have left at yours.
Also write her a letter because she might not be able to take it all in at once.

This eejit needs to be exposed as he'll probably move on to another mistress.
His other GF needs to know even if it'll cause problems in the realtionship.

1) She will not thank you / might hate you.
2) She is better off without him.
3) Whatever happens is/was his fault. Yes you knew he was with her but he is the one hurting/deceiving everyone, not you, although you should never have gone along with it!

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 11:19am

tell her face to face so that she can tell you what you deserve to hear.

I don't mean to offend you, only a little reflexion. Do you have any self-respect? Do you really think any man in a relationship would leave their girlfriend or wife for someone who put so little value on herself over 2 years?

You should learn from this mistake and try to do things right next time.

trowelled · 31-03-2009 11:21am

You don't tell her, it's not your place to especially if the reasoning behind it is revenge. You have nothing to gain from telling her except some warped notion that this is gonna bring some sort of pleasure to you (I say this cos of the smiley face). It would be a purely selfish act on your part and this poor woman (who is the real victim here) does not deserve to find out in this manner. Walk away from it and get on with you own life.

MintyDoris · 31-03-2009 11:23am

While I agree it's not neccessarily the 'other womans' place to tell, the girlfriend needs to know. However you can't make him man-up because he obviously doesn't have a lot of substance to start with. The point about writing it down is a good one having been on receiving end of this particular form of communication

The 'other woman' told me what had been going on in a mail on a social networking site. She claimed that she was not trying to get him back and that she hoped that she was doing me a favour. I never thought I'd hear myself say this and it nearly broke me but after 2 years I realise she did me the biggest favour anyone has ever done. It showed me that he was a wimp, that she was a manipulative, immature coward and that I was better off without them. They are still together now

I still have that mail and I look at it every so often to remind myself how far I've come

Wagon · 31-03-2009 11:27am

Unregistered wrote: »

So ive been the other woman for 2 years
- promised he'd leave, all the usual. He didnt...

No sympathy for you.

Now its over and i thinking about telling his girlfriend.

How nice.

No not thinking - im actually going to do it. What would be better, call, face to face or email?

If there's no kids, then you may as tell her. Face to face. I think she has a right to know what kind of a prick her husband is. You're no better than he is either.

Magnus wrote: »

3) Whatever happens is/was his fault. Yes you knew he was with her but he is the one hurting/deceiving everyone, not you, although you should never have gone along with it!

Bull****. She knew the whole time so she's just as reposnsable as he is.

SarahSassy · 31-03-2009 11:44am

Unregistered wrote: »

Arggggggg me again I didnt know i was the other woman for 2 years!!! And i left him because i found out i was the other woman.

But why did you say 'he promised to leave' etc etc?? You are not making sense here.

Amazotheamazing · 31-03-2009 11:54am

I dunno, she has a right to know the guy she's with is a long term cheat.

Face to face.

misswex · 31-03-2009 12:01pm

While I agree with other's here who have said that you should leave them alone and get on with your own life etc I keep putting myself in the girlfriends situation and I know that I would want to be told even if it was going to hurt me incredibly, its better that than to live in a sham of a relationship!!

31-03-2009 12:57pm

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

I dunno, she has a right to know the guy she's with is a long term cheat.

Face to face.

She does have a right to know but she should find out from someone whose motive for telling her his for her own good and not revenge.

The OP doesn't want to tell his wife so she no longer makes a fool of herself over this guy, the OP wants to make a fool of the wife for her own immature, petty and selfish reasons.

Loomis · 31-03-2009 12:58pm

Judging by that ridiculous smiley in your post I'd imagine you've made up your mind and coming here to tell strangers what you're doing was just another kick for you.

You're suffering an almighty maturity deficiency. Not content with being something on the side for 2 years you now want to make the girl (who I believe should know but not from you) miserable - he left you and you're unhappy so now everyone has to be unhappy?

Get a life.

the_syco · 31-03-2009 1:01pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Please bear in mind she may well blame / hate you & make your life a living hell.

Please remember that short-changed as you feel she is a person (well victim actually) whose world is going to come crashing around her ears. Be kind.

OP: you'll be seen as the bitch. He can excuse himself, but you'll be the one that tried to destroy her life. If you really want to go through with it: give him all his presents back to him by post.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 1:10pm

OP your posts seem to contradict eachother as you say he'd been promising to leave her for 2 years and then you go on to say you didn't know you were the other woman. Which is it?

I agree with the people who have said you need to closely examine your reasons for wanting to tell her. You had 2 years to tell her and all of a sudden, now that it's OVER, you want to open your gob about the whole thing? Now that YOU'RE the one who is left hurting? You probably never saw it coming and now that your ego is suffering, it's time to spill the beans to make yourself feel better than her. Selfish, to say the least.

Get a life, grow up and get a man of your own rather than trying to take someone else's. Otherwise, be prepared for the consequences.

The girlfriend of the guy deserves to know, but not from someone who is only speaking up out of malice.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 2:33pm

By not telling her, he is getting away with it. She is better off knowing, just don't do it in a silly way. I wouldn't do it face to face though, women tend to blame the other woman and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes at the point she finds out BUT she needs to know...

Rb · 31-03-2009 6:22pm

I can see why he kicked the girl to the kerb and kept the woman, tbh.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 6:27pm

The best thing you can do for yourself to move on is plan a holiday for yourself and go away, have fun and forget about the guy and the poor girl he's cheated on the past two years. It's not your problem or your business - harsh but true.
As previously stated it's not your call to tell his girlfriend. Really what gain for you would there be to be gotten - imo - none!!!
From an outsider looking in you would look a right bitter sad fool, just leave it and let it go
The girlfriend is not your responsibility.
You were with an asshole for two years, it's sh*t, it happens, please move on and try do things for you, and I wish you the best of luck.

SarahSassy · 31-03-2009 6:56pm

If she doesnt tell then another cheat gets away with it, he continues to make a fool of his 'girlfriend' and he doesnt learn a lesson.

If people spoke up about this type of thing and didnt let people get away with it there would be less cheating going on.

Once the girl has all the facts she can then decide if she wants to stay with him and forgive him... She should have the choice.

Gyalist · 31-03-2009 7:16pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

If she doesnt tell then another cheat gets away with it, he continues to make a fool of his 'girlfriend' and he doesnt learn a lesson.

If people spoke up about this type of thing and didnt let people get away with it there would be less cheating going on.

Once the girl has all the facts she can then decide if she wants to stay with him and forgive him... She should have the choice.

You are assuming that the man is not in an open relationship or that he doesn't have an "understanding" with his girlfriend.

The OP hardly has "clean hands" in this case and should be the last person to think about telling his girlfriend.

SarahSassy · 31-03-2009 7:31pm

Well if he does have an open relationship then it wont be a problem... Cant imagine its so open that his girlfriend would be happy with him living with someone else while she was away...

K_P · 31-03-2009 7:40pm

Gyalist wrote: »

You are assuming that the man is not in an open relationship or that he doesn't have an "understanding" with his girlfriend.

Surely if that was the case he wouldn't have spent the last 2 years telling the OP he was about to leave his girlfriend for her. It's highly unlikely IMHO.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2009 9:09pm

I'm baffled by the majority of the replies telling you not to tell her OP.

No offence OP but you do sound like a bit naive and you seem to have your head in the clouds... but this girl really doesn't deserve this. As you say it was very cosy for him as she was living abroad now she is home he is kicking you to the kerb.. he sounds like a complete d1ck and whatever about you or your feelings this girl needs to know and she needs to know FAST.

As another poster said your post is slightly contradictory you say you didn't know about her but you were living together? In his place or yours? Were there not photos of her around? Her stuff? I find it very hard to believe you didn't know about her after 2 years, surely there were phonecalls and texts back and forth between them while she was away?

TELL HER.

MollyRo · 03-04-2009 7:22pm

I wouldnt waste my precious time on the two timing toe-rag!!!! just have some sympathy for his poor girlfriend... she might already know what he's up to and accepts it... leave things be and move on and get a better single guy... shouldnt be too hard

CDfm · 03-04-2009 10:26pm

You propsal makes you sound like a nasty piece of work. What has the g/f done to you.

Ethically you are not doing it to help her -in the same way you were not banging her boyfriend for her benefit.

So this is revenge and she will be hurt because of your bruised ego.

How should i tell her???

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