Failure!

LegacyUser

i have for the last few years felt that i'm a failure, a loser! these feeling have been more to the fore of my thoughts at some times more than others.

It all started when i was in secondary school and i began to compare myself to other lads in my class who were more sucessful than me at sports, with the ladies or academically. I was'nt particularly good in any of these areas and felt a failure compared to them. This was compounded by the fact that i was very small for my age.

I'm now in my late 20's, on one hand i have a good job, nice car and am looking at buying an apartment in a nice area by the end of the year. i have good health and a very supportive family. however on the down side i'm short(5"9) and of slight build and i'm beginning to go bald. my last girlfriend was 3 years ago and i've had little success since. i play football for a local club and recently at a match when they had just 16 players(15 starters) i was the sub. my social life aint great as my best friends have all emigrated and now i just seem to have colleagues and acquaintances and but no-one i'm close to.

i know i have alot to be thankful for but on a regular basis recently i just cant help feeling like a complete and utter loser. i feel like such a failure when it comes to soo many things and when i compare myself to other people i know. the thing is that i dont know what i can do to change this. the crux of my problem is my size, which i cannot do anything about. if i were taller and broader and didnt look like a 17 year old boy things would be different. Whether, its women or football, taller and broader is better. My hair aint going to grow back either and my friends have settled abroad and aint going to come home anytime soon. i've got to the stage where i'm wondering do i just accept what i cannot change and try to make the best of what i have, but if i do that am i just accepting failure and inferiority?

ManOfMystery

5"9 is not short. It's average height, the majority of males are around this height, I'm touching 5"10 and certainly don't feel 'short'.

Your height and build are not really the issue; you don't feel comfortable with yourself, and until you do, you will always find faults - even if you had more hair and were taller, you would likely find something else which you're not happy about - your eyes, your ears, your muscles, etc.

My guess is that ever since you started fixating yourself on more successful people in secondary school, you've tried to find a reason for not being as successful as them - and you project this onto any shortcomings you feel you have, such as height and hair.

No matter what you do in life, there is always someone who will do it better. We can't all be successful at sports, we're not all ladykillers, and we're not all A-grade students. The trick is to work out what you are good at (I believe everyone has at least one skill) and excel in that - be it for a career or even for a hobby. Having an area of expertise will help your confidence no end, and by being more confident, you'll be less inclined to dwell on your shortcomings and this in turn will make you more attractive to both male friends and females alike.

In short, try and be happy in yourself and the rest will come naturally. Concentrate on what you're good at, not what you're bad at. It takes effort but it will pay off.

gandalf

ManOfMystery wrote: »

In short, try and be happy in yourself and the rest will come naturally. Concentrate on what you're good at, not what you're bad at. It takes effort but it will pay off.

Thats basically the best advice I could give as well.

Until you like yourself you are always going to feel the way you describe above. Everyone is different some people will be better than you at some things, on the other hand you're better than they are at others. No matter what people say they do not have loads of friends, you may have a load of acquaintances but you only ever have a few friends.

Be happy with yourself, relax and enjoy life and everything else will follow. Good luck man

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but are you having a laugh, 5'9" is nowhere near short. I'm 5'4" and consider that a bit short, but there are stil plenty that have it worse.

LegacyUser

My OH told me he was 5'9" when I met him but he is actually more like 5'6 or 7". Height or looks arent everything it is how you carry yourself and feel about yourself that matters!

Confidence is a really attractive feature!

It sounds like you have alot going for you. You just need to believe in yourself more (easier said than doen I know!).

Maybe join a few more clubs etc and find something you are good at to boost your confidence.

Cianos

Why do you feel such a need to compete? It sounds like you are trying to identify yourself too much with your externalised ego against which all things are judged - by yourself and not others. For every shortcoming in your life (or what you perceive to be a shortcoming), you push it on to some kind of (mis)identity you want to present to the world...but YOU are not your height, your football skills, how much hair you have, what kind of apartment you have or what car you drive. You are YOU. There is a vast difference between the things we feel represent us, and the things we actually are.

Stop beating yourself up because you are losing at X, Y and Z...because these things don't matter in the slightest. It's all about perspective. If you took the worlds best chess player and put him in a race against the worlds best runner, it's obvious who would be the loser. Likewise, when the same two people play chess it's clear who is going to lose. Both of these people in those instances could be described as losers, but that is only according to certain parameters that don't actually matter. So stop creating those parameters for yourself, just so you have a reason to feel sorry for yourself.

Denerick

Your not a failure. You need to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Remember that everyone is an individual. Just because people were able to splurge nonsense on a leaving cert paper doesn't mean they are smarter than you. Just because some of your mates are better at getting women doesn't make you inadequate. And just because your no Ronaldinho doesn't mean your pathetic at sports.

To be frank, there are always people in this world who are at better at things than we are. To put yourself against such a pedastal is a testament to a very healthy ambition, but its a bit sad to be down about it. A bit like me envying Rembrandt. Just don't compare yourself to others all the time.

SarahSassy

There are always people who will be smarter, cuter, taller, richer, funnier etc etc than you and thats life. We all have to deal with this but the majority of people choose to ignore / let go of the things they dont like about themselves and make the most of the good points...

Sounds like a cliché, but its mind over matter and no one can tell you to think differently about yourself. Its down to you so you can continue to do what you are doing, making yourself feel like crap and being unhappy or you can change your thinking and focus on the good points you have mentioned...

Dont torture yourself for the rest of your days over something you cant change i.e. being Mr Perfect.. There are no perfect people but most imperfect people just handle it better than you.

Chin up....

Pub07

OP 5'9 is not even close to being short. And if you don't want to feel small, get some weights and start eating and you could put on a 2-3 stone of solid muscle in a year. This'll also have the side benefit of making you feel better and more confident and your success with the ladies will rise proportionately.

LegacyUser

hi op here, i didnt want to sound as though i'm feeling sorry for myself because i dont think thats the case, to the world i come across as being confident and sure of myself and keep my insecurities to myself.

i just have this belief that life is full of winners and losers and if you added up the sum of my parts i'd be a loser, i have no skill or area in which i excel and i believe that i'm below average in many areas that matter most to a man eg height, build, sport, sucess with women, looks and yet others seem to be above average in a number of these areas. what is the measure of a man?

Denerick

What is the measure of a man? Someone who is confident enough to not give a **** if others think he's inadequate. Haven't quite mastered it myself or anything, just saying... :rolleyes:

Gyalist

You need to reframe your thinking. Start thinking of failure as "deferred success".

cantdecide

I'm 6'4" (not estimated) and broad and it's not an advantage, trust me.

Unregistered wrote: »

...i just have this belief that life is full of winners and losers....

You should be happy about being wrong about this, OP.

Life is full of people simply doing what they do. A winner can be a loser and vice versa depending on the judgment of the person doing the judging. The moral of the story is don't judge or be judged, just do your thing and people will either take you or leave you because for better or worse, the person you see in the mirror is not the person the rest of the world sees.

Blangis

Unregistered wrote: »

hi op here, i didnt want to sound as though i'm feeling sorry for myself because i dont think thats the case, to the world i come across as being confident and sure of myself and keep my insecurities to myself.

i just have this belief that life is full of winners and losers and if you added up the sum of my parts i'd be a loser, i have no skill or area in which i excel and i believe that i'm below average in many areas that matter most to a man eg height, build, sport, sucess with women, looks and yet others seem to be above average in a number of these areas. what is the measure of a man?

People are either average in every single area or above average in some areas and below average in others. It looks like there's not much you can do about your below average looks and physique, but what you can do is develop your above average abilities. Success in any area is appealing to women; it doesn't just have to be looks. Power and prestige are far more important.

LegacyUser

what the mind believes, the mind achieves; focus on the good stuff and more good stuff will follow