Selfish OH's sister???

wolfpawnat

OK I'll keep it short, my OH and I have just had a baby and he wants his sister to be Godmother, no problems there. His mother is very religious and really wants us to have a christening, again no problem. We named our baby after his father who died around the time the baby was conceived. My OH really wants our sons christening to be the same day as his fathers year mass. The mass in the morning and the christening in the afternoon. The MIL thought this was a nice idea too and I have no problem with it and I have told my family the date so they could arrange to travel up to us for the event.

But here's the thing, his sister, who lives in England is dictating not only our christening, but the fathers mass from England, she says she will allow us to ruin her fathers day with our sons christening. She is not putting any money towards either event (dinners, priests costs, etc) His mother is paying for everything and agrees having the two events on the one day is a beautiful example of how a family continues.

The sister says she'll boycott the christening if she doesn't get her way! She is 43 and acting like a child, she thinks her role as godmother is secure even though we haven't even asked her yet. However her behaviour towards us and my OH's mother recently leaves a lot to be desired and we don't mind her boycott if this is her attitude. My OH says we can ask someone else to be Godmother if she keeps going!

I know a lot of people would say that she wants to think of her dad and we are not thinking of her, but really she sees herself as the only child of her father, she refuses a lot of the time to acknowledge that my OH was also his child. She made life hell when her father was sick towards the end. She would cancel his respite last minute on the MIL even though she would really need a few days for herself because the father was really bad, but the sister would not come over from England to help look after him to make life easy for the MIL.

Am I alone in thinking she is being really selfish and not considering anyone but herself? My OH and I are not getting to decide what is nice for our family that day. What really annoys me is that the sister wants herself, the mother and my OH to have a family meeting to discuss the christening, I am not to be included at all. Surely I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

So much for keeping it short:D:)

challengemaster

If she keeps it up I wouldn't even invite her to the christening. 43? hah! 4 year olds act like that.

Toots

Congratulations on your new arrival!

TBH, if I were you I'd pick someone else to be godmother. She's acting like a child and if she boycotts the mass/christening she'll just be cutting off her nose to spite her face. Maybe get your OH to have a chat with her, something to the effect that you were both hoping to have her as godmother but her recent behaviour has made you both feel you should reconsider the decision. See if that makes any difference to her. If not, then choose someone else, you want a godmother that's going to love and dote on your baby, not someone who's going to resent the baby for 'stealing' her father's day.

What really annoys me is that the sister wants herself, the mother and my OH to have a family meeting to discuss the christening, I am not to be included at all. Surely I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

I think you're being very mature about this. If it were me I'd have told her to sling her hook on hearing this. I would not agree to them having a meeting without you present, that's just crazy!

I think considering how she acted towards you, ye should have a serious rethink about your choice of godmother.

R.D. aka MR.D

how does your mother in law feel about how she is acting?

Has you OH explained to her that she is being unreasonable.

Your part of the family now so you should be included in discussions but brothers and sisters normally have a way of talking to each other.

As i say you have every right to be involved and certainly involved in banning this ejit from the christening and certainly acting like this is definitly not what you want in a god parent!

Merch

correct me if i'm wrong, I dont want to sound morbid but I thought the idea of a Godparent/s was to take responsibility and look after children if something happened both parents???
If that was the case would you want this person brining up your child?

Maybe I am a mile off and that is old information and not relevant anymore today???
Otherwise she sounds like she's acting a bit immature, maybe she has some other personal issues and feels left out?? Or to do with the father? perhaps she got a strong opinion and cant do a u-turn?
You could let it be know through the Mother or the OH that it is not a sure thing?? if it keeps up really it will be up to you both to decide
I dont like to pander to people to keep the peace

PurpleBerry

Merch wrote: »

correct me if i'm wrong, I dont want to sound morbid but I thought the idea of a Godparent/s was to take responsibility and look after children if something happened both parents???
If that was the case would you want this person brining up your child?

Maybe I am a mile off and that is old information and not relevant anymore today???

I think nowsdays some people see it like that whereas others just ask friends or siblings because it's traditional to.

OP I would seriouly reconsider having your sister-in-law as your childs godmother. Not for petty or spiteful reasons, more because this lady could pull a similiar stunt further down the line. She is already dictating your childs christening, she may consider her role as godmother also allows her to have a say in the childs schooling or she may have a different opinion regarding vaccinations. If she is going to stick her nose in over these things then that's a hassle you and your OH don't need.

From another practical point of view, she lives in England. If something were to happen to you and your OH (God forbid) and she stepped in, would she move to Ireland? Do you trust her to respect you and your OH's wishes with regards to how your child is raised?

Congratulations on the little one too.

useful_contacts

wolfpawnat wrote: »

My OH really wants our sons christening to be the same day as his fathers year mass. The mass in the morning and the christening in the afternoon. The MIL thought this was a nice idea too and I have no problem with it

And can i ask if your MIL did have a problem with it would you change the date?

wolfpawnat wrote: »

But here's the thing, his sister, who lives in England is dictating not only our christening, but the fathers mass from England, she says she will not allow us to ruin her fathers day with our sons christening. She is not putting any money towards either event (dinners, priests costs, etc) His mother is paying for everything and agrees having the two events on the one day is a beautiful example of how a family continues.

Ok well Number one dont even attempt to have her as godmother as i can guarntee you once your sons birthdays/communions etc come along she will dictate what she wants when she wants and claim to be doing it for her "godson"

Two. "Her fathers day?" Sorry to be so blunt but he is dead, its not like its a birthday party or something, does she actually think your all going to be jumping around with hats and streamers, what kind of a tit is she? You are having a mass in the morning for him its not like your doing nothing for him

wolfpawnat wrote: »

The sister says she'll boycott the christening if she doesn't get her way!

Good , leave her boycott it. Because then evveryone will see what a kid she is. Do you even want her there ? Because something will be wrong, the food will be horrible, or the venue wont be good enough. Im getting mad even thinking about her

wolfpawnat wrote: »

She made life hell when her father was sick towards the end. She would cancel his respite last minute on the MIL even though she would really need a few days for herself because the father was really bad, but the sister would not come over from England to help look after him to make life easy for the MIL.

Sounds to me like this whole "your not ruining my dads day" situation is just her feeling guilty and trying to make it sound like shes the only one who cares, when really when the time came for her to show it she cancelled on your MIL . What a cow!!!

wolfpawnat wrote: »

What really annoys me is that the sister wants herself, the mother and my OH to have a family meeting to discuss the christening, I am not to be included at all. Surely I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

Honey i cant believe this part- contact her and ask her did she carry the baby or donate sperm? Nope she didnt so why the hell has this christning got anything to do with her. She is feeling left out over there in England and is trying to stick her nose in.

Excuse my language but she is a selfish cow and i wouldnt want her at the christning let alone be the childs godmother.

carlybabe1

Hi OP, congrats on the baby first of all. Is he your first?
My advice would be this, stick your heels in and pick another godmother for the following reasons (and her behaviour is a pretty good indicator of whats to come)
1) She lives in england(?) so will she make a genuine effort to see him on his birthdays or, will you get a call to say shes too upset over her dad to visit/ will he just get a card with money? (ditto xmas)
2) you've been pretty cool headed up to now, she's dictating your day from abroad, what will she be like on the day, and will you be able to keep your cool or (and this is very important) will you look back on the day and all your memories will be "that bitch ruined his day"
3) If she is discounting you from the meeting then that should be that, if she doesn't respect your opinion as the mother of her godson when organising his christening, what chance is there that she'll have any respect for you in any other event.

I honestly think that you should take her current carry on as a blessing in disguise and sack her as godmother, take it that she has done you a favour giving you a preview of future behaviour, and use it to your advantage. Do not be guilted into changing your mind. You'll never have this day back again

wolfpawnat

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

how does your mother in law feel about how she is acting?

Has you OH explained to her that she is being unreasonable.

Your part of the family now so you should be included in discussions but brothers and sisters normally have a way of talking to each other.

The MIL is hurt by the way her daughter is acting, the girl is not putting a penny towards the dads mass, she is leaving it all to her mother even though she is earning good money and hasn't to spend it on anyone but herself!

My OH is so pissed off at her at the moment because of both events he cannot talk to her because he'll end up yelling (this all only erupted last night so he is waiting to calm down before talking to her)

I know I should not be involved in all family discussions but feck it the christening is all about my son, my OH and I and the MIL (she is looking forward to it so much!)

Merch wrote: »

correct me if i'm wrong, I dont want to sound morbid but I thought the idea of a Godparent/s was to take responsibility and look after children if something happened both parents???
If that was the case would you want this person brining up your child?

Maybe I am a mile off and that is old information and not relevant anymore today???
Otherwise she sounds like she's acting a bit immature, maybe she has some other personal issues and feels left out?? Or to do with the father? perhaps she got a strong opinion and cant do a u-turn?
You could let it be know through the Mother or the OH that it is not a sure thing?? if it keeps up really it will be up to you both to decide
I dont like to pander to people to keep the peace

These days the godparents dont have to have the role of guardians if something happened but my OH and I are choosing them on the old style basis!

She is not going to allow this christening to occur that day is she can stop it! But I think we should show her its going ahead regardless and I think she'll buckle if she thinks the whole family will see her acting childish. The MIL got an ear and a half full last night on the phone about, she was so nasty to the MIL! She hasnt the guts to ring my OH about it because he would tell her to fall in line or take a hike. the MIL wants to pander to her to make life easy but then my OH will be heartbroken because he really wanted that day, so we'll kick up stink and will go on without them. They know we are serious because my mother and sister are not even allowed see my son because of their childish behaviour!

wolfpawnat

I am not trying to be a bitch or anything, I want the fathers mass and my sons christening to both be a lovely day. I feel like she is being selfish, not us, but am I wrong?

I didn't want her to be godmother anyway, I really wanted to give it to my best friend (she may be younger than the sister but at least she doesnt have childish tantrums!). The MIL says we HAVE to have the sister as Godmother because she's his only sister, plus she mentioned it to her already, but I have siblings too and the mere idea of asking them was laughed at, so I wanted NO siblings to be involved! I dont think being a sibling gives you the right to assume the role of Godparent is yours atuomatically

Zaph

In fairness, it's not your mother-in-law's place to be telling people that they're in line to be a godparent, that's entirely up to the parents. Being asked to be a godparent doesn't have the same moral and religious obligations that it used to have, but it is an honour to be thought highly enough of to be asked. Nobody has a divine right to the job and you can't make any assumptions that you will be asked.

Toots

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I am not trying to be a bitch or anything, I want the fathers mass and my sons christening to both be a lovely day. I feel like she is being selfish, not us, but am I wrong?

I didn't want her to be godmother anyway, I really wanted to give it to my best friend (she may be younger than the sister but at least she doesnt have childish tantrums!). The MIL says we HAVE to have the sister as Godmother because she's his only sister, plus she mentioned it to her already, but I have siblings too and the mere idea of asking them was laughed at, so I wanted NO siblings to be involved! I dont think being a sibling gives you the right to assume the role of Godparent is yours atuomatically

It's not your MIL's place to decide who the godmother is for your child. I really think you and your OH need to suit yourselves on this one, because if you don't you'll regret it forever, and if you only choose the sister because the MIL wants her, you could end up resenting your MIL in the long run. Who does your OH want to be the godmother? If you're having a godfather, is he a relative or a friend? A godparent doesn't have to be a relative, it should be someone who you care about and definitely want to take the role.

wolfpawnat

Toots85 wrote: »

It's not your MIL's place to decide who the godmother is for your child. I really think you and your OH need to suit yourselves on this one, because if you don't you'll regret it forever, and if you only choose the sister because the MIL wants her, you could end up resenting your MIL in the long run. Who does your OH want to be the godmother? If you're having a godfather, is he a relative or a friend? A godparent doesn't have to be a relative, it should be someone who you care about and definitely want to take the role.

It was OH that wanted her before but not now she's acting the fool. The Godfather is a man that is very close friend of my family, he has been like a dad to me! He was so honoured to be asked, but she just expects it which annoys me!

niceoneted

I am a godparent to 2 kids one a boy now 16 and a girl now 10. Both are sisters kids. I have made a huge effort to be there for both over the years. I would spend a day shopping with them for their birthday - take them out to lunch buy them a gift etc. One lives in the UK and I go over for there birthday every second year. I am not religious and I am not here to blow my own trumpet. But I feel that as a godparent I am there for the child to have a special relationship with.
Both kids have come to me re bullying issues at there school and I have given them advice to follow and see where it went and things sorted themselves out. I have never betrayed there trust and they know that they can come to me with any problem and they know I will not go to their parents unless I have to. This is what I see a godparent as. It is what I believe in in this day and age. I have 3 other nieces and another nephew and they all wish I was their godparent but yet they all know they can come to me at any time and have.
I have fallen out with my sisters over the years but it never had an impact on my relationship with my godchildren.
I can not see this happening with this woman. She comes across as totally selfish. Pick some one who you know will put the child first no matter what.

LegacyUser

wolfpawnat wrote: »

It was OH that wanted her before but not now she's acting the fool. The Godfather is a man that is very close friend of my family, he has been like a dad to me! He was so honoured to be asked, but she just expects it which annoys me!

OP you are picking the godfather so i think its only fair your OH picks the godmother

gandalf

Ask someone else she is definitely not god mother material.

I'm a god father and you should feel humbled that people think so much of you that they give you that responsibility. Her reaction is unbelieveable and extremely selfish. Pick a friend who will appreciate and cherish what you are asking them.

My best friend asked me to be god father to his daughter and while I was taken back (I was a career batchelor at that stage, which has changed) I accepted without hesitation.

martdalto

It is traditional, but not necessary to have one from either side of the family, so I can see why the mil would like sil to be godmother... BUT..... why not ask mil to be godmother? It would be a lovely gesture and I'm sure she'd appreciate it. (Although out of a sense of duty to her daughter, she may decline!)

I get the impression from your sil that she is looking for an excuse not to come over for the christening, so is being as difficult as possible.

And you're right, godparents have no automatic guardianship rights to the child should something happen - that is something that needs to be mentioned in a will... but they are supposed to help guide the child through life and be there as a support. I can't see sil being too supportive can you?!

Beruthiel

wolfpawnat wrote: »

The sister says she'll boycott the christening if she doesn't get her way!

Let her. Seriously.

she thinks her role as godmother is secure even though we haven't even asked her yet.

Time for a reality check then. Ask someone you actually like and respect to be your childs godmother.
Never, ever do something because you are told/think 'that's the way it's supposed to be done'
Personally, I wouldn't let a witch like that anywhere near my kid.

As for thinking that she can discuss your childs christening without you in the room, LOL.
Time for you to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.
You've done the nice bit, it hasn't worked and now you're going to do what you want and if people wish to turn up. Good stuff.

Don't allow that wagon one more second of your consideration when planning any kind of future family event.

Oh The Humanity

wolfpawnat wrote: »

OK I'll keep it short, my OH and I have just had a baby and he wants his sister to be Godmother, no problems there. His mother is very religious and really wants us to have a christening, again no problem. We named our baby after his father who died around the time the baby was conceived. My OH really wants our sons christening to be the same day as his fathers year mass. The mass in the morning and the christening in the afternoon. The MIL thought this was a nice idea too and I have no problem with it and I have told my family the date so they could arrange to travel up to us for the event.

But here's the thing, his sister, who lives in England is dictating not only our christening, but the fathers mass from England, she says she will allow us to ruin her fathers day with our sons christening. She is not putting any money towards either event (dinners, priests costs, etc) His mother is paying for everything and agrees having the two events on the one day is a beautiful example of how a family continues.

The sister says she'll boycott the christening if she doesn't get her way! She is 43 and acting like a child, she thinks her role as godmother is secure even though we haven't even asked her yet. However her behaviour towards us and my OH's mother recently leaves a lot to be desired and we don't mind her boycott if this is her attitude. My OH says we can ask someone else to be Godmother if she keeps going!

I know a lot of people would say that she wants to think of her dad and we are not thinking of her, but really she sees herself as the only child of her father, she refuses a lot of the time to acknowledge that my OH was also his child. She made life hell when her father was sick towards the end. She would cancel his respite last minute on the MIL even though she would really need a few days for herself because the father was really bad, but the sister would not come over from England to help look after him to make life easy for the MIL.

Am I alone in thinking she is being really selfish and not considering anyone but herself? My OH and I are not getting to decide what is nice for our family that day. What really annoys me is that the sister wants herself, the mother and my OH to have a family meeting to discuss the christening, I am not to be included at all. Surely I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

So much for keeping it short:D:)

Hi,

I had an Aunty like your OH's sister, she lived in England and allowed my (busy) Mother (with her own family) to nurse her elderly sister and Mother before death and up until death.

She used to stick her oar in on practical stuff (tried to prevent my Mother arranging respite care also! for my Aunty who could not be nursed at home) due to fake sentimentality.

It was all self self self with her. She lived away but thought she should have an opinion on everything but never helped practically.

Well after my mothers sick sister and mother died. My Mam had enough of these people criticising but never doing anything good themselves. My other Aunty became sick and my Mam let big mouth come home from England and try to nurse her at home.

Well how the tables have turned, she cant cope but wont admit it, she sees what my mother went through for years but still no apology.

The moral of the story is, these people are all mouth. They enjoy critisising and disrupting people but do nothing useful themselves.

If she refuses to come, let her. Whatever you do dont allow your family and your OH's family to be "remote controlled" by a spoilt brat.

Ignore her and pick someone else as Godmother.

seanybiker

If I was you I would choose a different godmother. I think that naming the child after his late grandfather was lovely and having the christening on the year anniversary is a very touching tribute to your OH's father.

wolfpawnat

Unregistered wrote: »

OP you are picking the godfather so i think its only fair your OH picks the godmother

Sure that is only fair, if you read my first post I said when he said he wanted her I had no problem, but now she's acting like a child we don't want her. I said I would have liked to have asked my best friend but my OH has half say too.

martdalto wrote: »

It is traditional, but not necessary to have one from either side of the family, so I can see why the mil would like sil to be godmother... BUT..... why not ask mil to be godmother? It would be a lovely gesture and I'm sure she'd appreciate it. (Although out of a sense of duty to her daughter, she may decline!)

I get the impression from your sil that she is looking for an excuse not to come over for the christening, so is being as difficult as possible.

And you're right, godparents have no automatic guardianship rights to the child should something happen - that is something that needs to be mentioned in a will... but they are supposed to help guide the child through life and be there as a support. I can't see sil being too supportive can you?!

We are basing choosing the Godparents on who we want to look after our baby if something happened to us, my OH mother has had hell for the last few years and is having health problems of her own, she is not capable of looking after the baby, not to mention I do not share the same parenting ideas as her, she believes he should not play sports or have anything to do with animals when he is older, these are the 2 things my OH and I really want for our son, if that is what he wants!

She is saying she will fly over anytime for the christening as long as we don't have it that weekend, which is the only weekend my OH wants it so to honour his father with his son.

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for thinking that she can discuss your childs christening without you in the room, LOL.
Time for you to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.
You've done the nice bit, it hasn't worked and now you're going to do what you want and if people wish to turn up. Good stuff.

Don't allow that wagon one more second of your consideration when planning any kind of future family event.

We have been polite but when she noticed that she couldn't shift us by her being polite, she won't contact us directly, she was so horrible on the phone to the mil that to shut her up the mil wants to change the date. Since it's MINE and the Mil's money being used and she is not putting a cent into it I am more pissed off.

seanybiker wrote: »

If I was you I would choose a different godmother. I think that naming the child after his late grandfather was lovely and having the christening on the year anniversary is a very touching tribute to your OH's father.

Thank you. My OH loved his father so much and he really wanted to show how life continues by having the christening that day too.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Hi,

I had an Aunty like your OH's sister, she lived in England and allowed my (busy) Mother (with her own family) to nurse her elderly sister and Mother before death and up until death.

She used to stick her oar in on practical stuff (tried to prevent my Mother arranging respite care also! for my Aunty who could not be nursed at home) due to fake sentimentality.

It was all self self self with her. She lived away but thought she should have an opinion on everything but never helped practically.

Well after my mothers sick sister and mother died. My Mam had enough of these people criticising but never doing anything good themselves. My other Aunty became sick and my Mam let big mouth come home from England and try to nurse her at home.

Well how the tables have turned, she cant cope but wont admit it, she sees what my mother went through for years but still no apology.

The moral of the story is, these people are all mouth. They enjoy critisising and disrupting people but do nothing useful themselves.

If she refuses to come, let her. Whatever you do dont allow your family and your OH's family to be "remote controlled" by a spoilt brat.

I don't always see eye to eye with the MIL but I have seen the work she had to do, and the lack of support from her daughter, my OH did as much as he could to help, but it still meant she took the brunt. Now since she can no longer dictate how her fathers life is run I feel like she now is drawing her attentions to her nephew!

beth-lou

This is your and your OH's child.
Don't let anyone else try to dictate when you have the christening. Or anything else to do with his upbringing, you are his parents and it is your role as parents to decide these things. You need to establish this now, because this situation could go on for ever if you allow it.

The SIL is being incredibly selfish and unreasonable and I wouldn't budge an inch for her. I can't believe that she suggested having a "meeting" about the date and didn't include you, the mother, who bore your baby for nine months and now want to arrange his christening. I think your OH should ring her when he has calmed down and speak to her directly. She is obviously used to bullying her mother, don't let her do the same to you.

Ring her, talk to her and if she is still being unreasonable, then ask someone else to be Godmother. It is a really thoughful thing that you are doing. And it obviously means a lot to your OH and his mother. The sister seems too selfish to think about anyone but herself. It is her choice. If she doesn't want to be a part of it, then leave her off.

Have a great day and don't let anyone spoil it.

martdalto

wolfpawnat wrote: »

We are basing choosing the Godparents on who we want to look after our baby if something happened to us

So do you want the godfather or the godmother to look after the baby in the event that something happens you? If you have more children are you going to pick the same godparents so as not to seperate the children?

You need to appoint guardians in your will.

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Now since she can no longer dictate how her fathers life is run I feel like she now is drawing her attentions to her nephew!

By giving her ANY time on this, you are infact allowing her to do this. You and your OH decide the date, time and place of your sons christening, and you decide who's to be involved. You then invite whoever you would like to be there and that's that.

DON'T give her anymore time or attention. If you do, you will never be rid of her "advice".

EDIT:
By the way, have you spoken to the priest about arranging the christening for the same day. Many churches only conduct christenings on specific dates and times, so if you have not already spoken to the priest about it, it may actually be a non issue. If you have, then tell her it's booked, and you'll see her there.

Is she not going to fly home for "her fathers day" anyway?

Again, stop giving her any attention on this.

wolfpawnat

martdalto wrote: »

If you have more children are you going to pick the same godparents so as not to seperate the children?

You need to appoint guardians in your will.

Yes we know it has to be in the will, scary to think I'm 22 and actually have an appointment to make one this week. As for the first question, we hope to not even be thinking of this for at least for another few years! We have to try and finish college first:)

EDIT:
By the way, have you spoken to the priest about arranging the christening for the same day. Many churches only conduct christenings on specific dates and times, so if you have not already spoken to the priest about it, it may actually be a non issue. If you have, then tell her it's booked, and you'll see her there.

Is she not going to fly home for "her fathers day" anyway?

We have spoken to the local priest, in this town, they only do christenings 1pm and 3pm on Saturdays and Sundays and the fathers mass is on at noon on the Sunday so we could have it straight after his mass and that way all the people who are travelling down for one can also attend the other if they wish:)


Yes she is flying home for that weekend for her fathers year mass, but does not want the day shared with our son, even though she screams poverty every time we ask her home for a few days she swears she will pay for a flight home any other weekend but that one.

martdalto

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Yes she is flying home for that weekend for her fathers year mass, but does not want the day shared with our son,

Tough.... tell her it's booked! If she wants to go to the mass and then sulk off on her own let her. If she stays and has a face on her... let her! She's the one that will look ridiculous in front of the rest of the family.

I'm sure every other family member - will be delighted to be able to attend both, and will also think it touching that he is being christened, with his grandads name, on his anniversary.

Don't let the bitter aul hag dictate to your OH what he can or can't do with his own family. You get on with enjoying your day, and always keep sweet and smiling.. !

Blangis

wolfpawnat wrote: »

OK I'll keep it short, my OH and I have just had a baby and he wants his sister to be Godmother, no problems there. His mother is very religious and really wants us to have a christening, again no problem. We named our baby after his father who died around the time the baby was conceived. My OH really wants our sons christening to be the same day as his fathers year mass. The mass in the morning and the christening in the afternoon. The MIL thought this was a nice idea too and I have no problem with it and I have told my family the date so they could arrange to travel up to us for the event.

But here's the thing, his sister, who lives in England is dictating not only our christening, but the fathers mass from England, she says she will allow us to ruin her fathers day with our sons christening. She is not putting any money towards either event (dinners, priests costs, etc) His mother is paying for everything and agrees having the two events on the one day is a beautiful example of how a family continues.

The sister says she'll boycott the christening if she doesn't get her way! She is 43 and acting like a child, she thinks her role as godmother is secure even though we haven't even asked her yet. However her behaviour towards us and my OH's mother recently leaves a lot to be desired and we don't mind her boycott if this is her attitude. My OH says we can ask someone else to be Godmother if she keeps going!

I know a lot of people would say that she wants to think of her dad and we are not thinking of her, but really she sees herself as the only child of her father, she refuses a lot of the time to acknowledge that my OH was also his child. She made life hell when her father was sick towards the end. She would cancel his respite last minute on the MIL even though she would really need a few days for herself because the father was really bad, but the sister would not come over from England to help look after him to make life easy for the MIL.

Am I alone in thinking she is being really selfish and not considering anyone but herself? My OH and I are not getting to decide what is nice for our family that day. What really annoys me is that the sister wants herself, the mother and my OH to have a family meeting to discuss the christening, I am not to be included at all. Surely I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

So much for keeping it short:D:)

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of this particular issue, it sounds to me as if your in-laws play too large a part in your life. Boundaries are what keep families sane.

carlybabe1

sounds to me like you need to put this bully in her place, and you need to, not your OH or your MIL. She obviously doesn't reckon you have too much gumption if she's planning your sons christening without you.
My advice would be for you to ring her, and calmly tell her that her putting pressure on your MIL is not going to make you change the date, it will only make you issue a non invitation to her to the christening.
Also, tell her in light of her recent behaviour that you have decided that you are going to pick someone else as god mother and if she decides that she doesn't want to be there then you understand.
Then sit back and see what happens

Lollipops23

wolfpawnet, from reading other posts you wrote, i think it's high time you stood up to your OH's crackpot family. seriously, the MIL made your life hell while you were expecting and now the SIL is getting in on the act?

you've been very accomadating of a lot of ****e from them but designing the christening around his sister?that's nuts. it's your little fella's day,not your OH's dad. people don't usually celebrate a person 1 year after they've passed away so her arguement that it's her "dad's day" is plain ridiculous. go ahead without her,as your OH to choose someone else as godmother.

vandermeyde

You need to get together with your OH and sit down firstly with MiL and explain to her in no uncertain terms what will be happening with the christening.

I'm a bloke and I know enough about how we operate to know that what he says to mammy can often be slightly different to what he might be saying to you.

So, with MiL, you need to present a united front. I get the impression that the mother is an enabler in terms of the sisters behaviour so let her know that you won't be capitulating to emotional blackmail from either of them. Be honest and be frank.

Secondly, you get him to ring his sister and tell her the christening is going ahead. Tell her that you would like her to be godmother, that it's an honour you don't bestow lightly and that it's her decision to make. Give her a deadline. If she doesn't meet the deadline, tell her you've asked someone else instead and draw a line under it. She know's the time/date. If she's there, be polite, rise above it, smile for the camera and have a wonderful day of celebrating both the past and future.

You're still quite young, you've got a baby, college, and you're still finding your feet within this family unit. Don't let some absentee sibling dictate to you, and don't let MiL think that ye are the lesser of two evils and have the expectation that you will always be the one to capitulate.

Congrats on the new arrival!

Blangis

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I should be one of the key people in that discussion what with being the baby's mother!?!

wolfpawnat wrote: »

They know we are serious because my mother and sister are not even allowed see my son because of their childish behaviour!

With all due respect, is it possible that you use your baby as a weapon to manipulate people and gain status for yourself? And that you get frustrated when this doesn't work?

LegacyUser

carlybabe1 wrote: »

sounds to me like you need to put this bully in her place, and you need to, not your OH or your MIL.

Eh, no - he needs to, the OH whose wagon of a sister this is. The whole problem is an internal one of his family and he should be stepping up to sort it out. The OP is an easy target for the sister precisely because it's not her dad, therefore the sister can cling to her position that the OP shouldn't be deciding these things. It needs to be made clear to her that it is her brother who has decided the date and that it genuinely IS a gesture of respect towards the dad.

wolfpawnat

vandermeyde wrote: »

You need to get together with your OH and sit down firstly with MiL and explain to her in no uncertain terms what will be happening with the christening.

I'm a bloke and I know enough about how we operate to know that what he says to mammy can often be slightly different to what he might be saying to you.

So, with MiL, you need to present a united front. I get the impression that the mother is an enabler in terms of the sisters behaviour so let her know that you won't be capitulating to emotional blackmail from either of them. Be honest and be frank.

Secondly, you get him to ring his sister and tell her the christening is going ahead. Tell her that you would like her to be godmother, that it's an honour you don't bestow lightly and that it's her decision to make. Give her a deadline. If she doesn't meet the deadline, tell her you've asked someone else instead and draw a line under it. She know's the time/date. If she's there, be polite, rise above it, smile for the camera and have a wonderful day of celebrating both the past and future.

You're still quite young, you've got a baby, college, and you're still finding your feet within this family unit. Don't let some absentee sibling dictate to you, and don't let MiL think that ye are the lesser of two evils and have the expectation that you will always be the one to capitulate.

Thank you, this exactly how I have felt about the whole thing but thought I was either being selfish or ridiculous in my own head!:) And yes, if this all goes ahead and she is there on the day I am insuring all photos are nothing but smiles, and she will be told the same!

Blangis wrote: »

With all due respect, is it possible that you use your baby as a weapon to manipulate people and gain status for yourself? And that you get frustrated when this doesn't work?

I am sorry, but I suppose I should inform you I have had nothing to do with my sister or mother since before I ever even knew I was pregnant. My mother was violent and controlling so when I did get away, not even the fear of being alone or not having her there for my baby didn't cause me to go back. I don't talk to my sister because she sided with my mother!

Also I do not want to interfere with my OH's family UNLESS it has something to do with me and my son. A christening isn't really too important to me personally but with all due respect, I should be involved in any conversation involving it. I do not involove myself in any other family business unless my opinion is asked and even then I thread carefully as it is not my family.