What the F%&k have I been doing

LegacyUser

Not sure how to begin this post, mostly a rant trying to get things of my chest and logically in my head.

After 4 years in college in the UK I moved back to Dublin and have not one mate to go for a beer with, lately I haven’t bothered going out there are only so many times I can sit at the bar on my tod looking like some social freak, I joined clubs but pretty much gave up after always putting the effort in and getting nothing back.

I had to deal with some very serious issues over the last 15 years, I am somewhat content or as much as anyone can be, and I don’t want to jeopardise that contentment.

Lately I feel like I am suffocating unable to breath. I look to my twenties and there is nothing enjoyable to reflect on, most of my thirties are the same I’m going round in circles just putting downs my days, same **** every day. Every body appears to be going through life stages rather easily. Colleagues are getting married, or shagging every second weekend and I still haven’t got out of the blocks, there is a Hugh mental block I think not sure what it is, most definitely I am the problem, everybody can’t be wrong, just don’t know how to fix it. What the **** have I been doing all these years, working my ass off.

Bumped into a girl I used to work with, usually story really liked her she was hot and a nice girl too, I was sent on secondment when I got back she had been sent on secondment. Eventually I left the company so didn’t speak for ages. There was about a 6 years gap between us, so I was trying to find the appropriate moment to ask her out looking back I think she may have said yes, she was with her boyfriend (the lucky bugger) chatted and said goodbye, after she had left I though what the F*&k have I being doing all these years, she is 26 I am 33, (never had a relationship of any description, and I mean any, I know that sounds really bad, but I can’t quite believe how I have managed to be single for so long the years just seem to go by and of course I was too busy working my rear end off).

I felt old, like I had wasted my opportunities, lost youth etc. What I saw was cute young women with a nice guy for a boyfriend and both had time to **** things up, with each other or life and still have time on their hands to rectify it. I was envious of that; slightly envious I was beaten to the prize, but really envious of young love and the youthfulness of it all.

Any time I meet someone I fancy all shorts of issues arise, am I good enough, will I be dumped, and will they go back to their previous boyfriend, on and on.

I have no idea what I am searching for, to have one nighters or a really steady serious relationship I don’t know which will make me happier.

Meet other girls I liked and got over it, the same will happen here, it just was like a hammer blow straight to head. I can’t sleep the sense of loss and loneliness for things I should have done differently is running through my head, not really to do with this girl(to a point yes she is hot) but generally.
How stupid I was, how could I not see things working out this way, working no stop for what, to end up a complete social freak, what is worse is that it my fault and nobody’s else’s.
Working work wrok and **** all to show for it, but a few quid in the bank

Rant over

PeakOutput

its never too late grow a pair and decide to live the life you want to live the only thing standing in your way is yourself.

gagomes

From my understanding of your post, you did what you thought was right and what most ambitious persons do, I would say. Considering the current economic climate, having a few quid in your bank account may be something very positive and worth keeping too. Considering your emotional needs I would probably try to find the root cause of my problem, judging from your post I would guess some previous experiences that didn't go so well? happens to everybody, but if you're going to set your mind and center your thoughts around this, then you're surely apt to get stuck in a downward spiral of pain. Try a one-night-stander, if that is just not enough, you can always try to text her 1-2 days afterwards for a coffee and see from there.

my 2c

seanybiker

ah man your not bad at all. Imagine been a 26 year old twin. Brother going off to join the guards in may. Where as im at home with parents. Suffering from depression and panic attacks. Mainly panic attacks cos i dont leave them get me down. Cant walk to local shop or pub. Ride bike to pub and it got robbed on me last thursday. Wont leave me house until i get it back or buy new one from insurance. Then go through the same. Princess off a girlfriend in wexford. With her 3 years and still havent been near her house cos of my panic attacks.
Enough about me. Im happy in a way(on outside) you have loads to live for bud. Cheer up. Works for me. In a way

LegacyUser

Yup i think i recognise what you are saying. Yesterday was my 31st birthday and i celebrated alone, granted in my own home that i worked long and hard for, but nontheless i have nobody special there to give me a birthday kiss! I think we are conditioned in society to think that we should be at least coupled up and on to road to settled by our thirties. Doesn't always happen that way. Perhaps i'll end up like the crazy cat lady in the simpsons- all wild hair and babbling as i wander down the street, my feline minions all around. Perhaps i'll meet my prince charming tomorrow! Oh who knows. Lifes a gamble. Live it don't waste it. Next time u see a hot chick ask her out. Whats the worse that can happen? What i'm trying to say is make your own destiny and climb out of that hole you are in. We should set up a club for peeps like u and i and start enjoying our dirty thirties.

SWL

seanybiker wrote: »

ah man your not bad at all. Imagine been a 26 year old twin. Brother going off to join the guards in may. Where as im at home with parents. Suffering from depression and panic attacks. Mainly panic attacks cos i dont leave them get me down. Cant walk to local shop or pub. Ride bike to pub and it got robbed on me last thursday. Wont leave me house until i get it back or buy new one from insurance. Then go through the same. Princess off a girlfriend in wexford. With her 3 years and still havent been near her house cos of my panic attacks.
Enough about me. Im happy in a way(on outside) you have loads to live for bud. Cheer up. Works for me. In a way

Don't want to hijack the thread, but dude give you a break, don't be so hard on yourself. Get some CBT for the anxiety TODAY, also increase your omega 3, 6, 9 into our diet get some very strong supplement or oil TODAY. Both of these will have you back to yourself in no time. I read an article on CBT last week it does work so get to it NOW. The original poster has regrets use his post to make sure you don't have the same regret in a few years time.

last poster a club for people in their dirty thirties great idea!!

LegacyUser

Seconded the suggestion of CBT!!!

Don't look back, you are still young, keep looking forward, time spent thinking about the past is pretty much spinning your wheels. As Joyce Meyer would say, it's like being in a rocking chair - expending effort, going nowhere.

bethm24

i think you should take a little holiday in the sun, or anywhere, some time to think, clear the head, take a diary with you and write down your thoughts. come back a new man, also i think dont beat yourself up so bad :)things could be worse, your not old, youve figured things out, now you will be ok.
hugs
ps good luck in your new life

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think your situation has a chicken and egg quality about it. You've decided that you need a significant other to be happy, but you are unlikely to attract someone to yourself with all the negativity you are carrying round.

You say you spend all the time working – can you scale that part of your life back if it's not bring you fulfillment? Like another poster suggested, you could take some time out and get to know who you are. You'll get a new perspective and hopefully find a little peace. If you can give that out to people, they are going to naturally gravitate to you and you'll have less trouble meeting the women you like.