Feel pretty low (a parent thread)

LegacyUser

Right, well to give a back story:

A few months ago my brother found a dating site up on our dads computer, at the time we didn't think much of it as we all know how these things can pop up, but as time went on we started to notice tell tale signs, my brother found breath mints in his car, I noticed he had a new mobile phone none of us knew about. Around this time my father started telling me he was on "chat" sites and was talking with people all over the world.

My father is in his 50s, unemployed (although did have good jobs when he was younger). He was never the perfect father or husband, but then none of us are, but he had a short temper, drank a lot and ruined things like birthdays and holidays, but he was still our dad and would make us laugh at time and try to support us when he could.

Anyway, his wife (our mother) works hard to earn money and also trys to keep the family together and her marriage. My brother was hellbent on trying to find what our father was up to and eventually found our fathers profile on a couple of dating sites in which he "as a joke" said he didn't want to be with the negative triats our mother has (which believe me are few and far between). My brother printed these out and confronted him, our dad lied at first but eventually admitted it and promised us he would stop, we agreed not to tell our mother as it would only hurt her.

Flash forward a month and our father says he needs a break and he's going to take the weekend to go somewhere else in Ireland and he left first thing in the morning, myself and my brother knew better though, and my brother logged into his laptop and discovered loads of recent emails with multiple women, and that he was saying he has been separated for two years and a load of lies about our mother. Then we found he had booked flight tickets to see one of them over the weekend.

I have a pretty decent relationship with my father and I knew he wasn't happy but enough was enough, we decided to tell our mother as she deserved to know and he had lied to us about stopping before. She was of course upset and didn't believe us at first but she began to put two and two together and read the emails and she decided that she wanted to be rid of him.

He came back today and our mother gave him one last chance to redeem himself by asking him where he went, he of course lied, and she asked him to leave. Before he left he went up to me and asked me what had happened and I explained, the look on his face was horrible and will sit with me for the rest of my life, it was the look of a man who's just lost everything he had, he didn't argue or start a fight, he just left.

I feel so bad now though, granted without him life will be a lot more relaxed and calm at home and now our mother can get on with the rest of her life, but I still feel like myself and my brother have destroyed his life and I feel horrible. I know we can all live without him, but every time I think of him alone and thinking about what he's lost I feel really upset.

The fact of the matter is we had to betray one parent, by either condoning our fathers actions and letting it go, or telling our mother. I still think we made the right decision, but right now everyone is hurting and it's because we let the cat out of the bag.

I know I'm not the only one going through this so any advice would be great.

LegacyUser

You didn't destroy his life, he did. You have nothing to feel bad about, the guilt needs to sit with him and him alone.

minxie

all i can say is that you done a very brave thing there tbh

jimmycrackcorm

Unregistered wrote: »

You didn't destroy his life, he did. You have nothing to feel bad about, the guilt needs to sit with him and him alone.

I'd say that from his perspective, the OP was the one who destroyed his life by betraying him - not withstanding his own actions and culpability.

Perhaps the "horrible" look was one arising from realization of betrayal by ones offspring.

The Op broke one parents trust in favour of the other and guilt is the price to pay even if there is a justification.

Xterminator

Well, first of all its horrible to be in the middle of a situation like this.

I know.

But the truth is i dont think its your (or your brothers) place to 'inform' your mum.

Your parents relationship is entirely a personal matter between them. and while your father's behaviour is not condonable, i dont think you should choose a parent, and interfere.

and snooping into his personal email is not acceptable, and may even be illegal!

another course of action would be to tell your dad your suspicions, and that his behaviour is unacceptable.

you will not know how the parents relationship is, whether they are intimate, etc. You are observing one behavious, but sont know its root causes.

This could cost you your relationship with your father, and regardless of his actions, and motivations, he is and always will be your father.

ManOfMystery

Xterminator wrote: »

Well, first of all its horrible to be in the middle of a situation like this.


another course of action would be to tell your dad your suspicions, and that his behaviour is unacceptable.

He already did this

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Your parents relationship is entirely a personal matter between them. and while your father's behaviour is not condonable, i dont think you should choose a parent, and interfere.

IMO, I don't think it is an entirely personal matter, as what they do directly effects your life. (assuming the OP still live at home)

You may feel like you've betrayed him and he will probabbly feel the same. But he betrayed his family. And although I don't agree with you snooping through his stuff, the sooner it was out in the open, the better.

What would your mother say if she found out in a year and found out you knew? It's a tricky situation, because either way you'll be 'betraying' someone. I'd say just give it some time and then send him a text asking to talk. If he refuses, you'll just have to accept it and move on. Consulling could help. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Good luck.

cafecolour

Xterminator wrote: »

another course of action would be to tell your dad your suspicions, and that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Per the initial post, the OP confronted his/her dad originally and he promised to stop - to no avail. It seems like a difficult decision, but given the father's failure to stop after the initial confrontation, and the fact that he was actually going through with a weekend (not just hopping on dating sites out of curiosity); I'd have to agree that the OP did what I'd likely have done, even if I would've also had serious misgivings about it (and hope I never am in such a situation).

Notorious

Xterminator wrote: »

But the truth is i dont think its your (or your brothers) place to 'inform' your mum.

Your parents relationship is entirely a personal matter between them. and while your father's behaviour is not condonable, i dont think you should choose a parent, and interfere.

and snooping into his personal email is not acceptable, and may even be illegal!

I think you're a bit off here. The OP's father was actively betraying his other half. Both the OP and his brother confronted their father before telling their mother so they wouldn't hurt her. They gave him a chance to change the mistakes he'd been making, he could've come clean to his wife and told her he was unhappy, or he could've stopped being promiscuous. In a family a parents relationship effects the whole family, not just the parents.
The OP didn't break a parents trust. What was he trusted with? The knowledge that his father was cheating on his mother, and was happy to continue doing so regardless of the fact that his sons had caught him out?

You did the right thing OP. Your father made his bed, he destroyed his life. If hes any sort of a man, he'll forgive you.

cafecolour

Feelcrap wrote: »

I feel so bad now though, granted without him life will be a lot more relaxed and calm at home and now our mother can get on with the rest of her life, but I still feel like myself and my brother have destroyed his life and I feel horrible. I know we can all live without him, but every time I think of him alone and thinking about what he's lost I feel really upset.

He brought this on himself. He couldn't have been thrilled - unemployed and in a marriage he wasn't happy in - so maybe this can become a new beginning for him (and your mother).

I'm a bit confused though - why he is alone? He does still have two kids, no? Was this 'get out, find somewhere else to live' or 'get out - me, my brother, and our mother never want to see or talk to you again'? I hope not the later.

He was in the wrong, but you two still need to be there for him - ideally both your parents can rebuild their lives and become happy than they were. If you let yourself become totally alienated from him - out of bitterness and/or a misguided notion that it's the best way to support your mother - it will just make you feel worse.

bluecell99

Ye did the right thing,try not to beat yourselves up about it.Liars and drinkers never think of anyone except themselves.Your mother deserves better.Well done.Just move on and support her as she needs to re build a life and enjoy some quality time without a waste of space to drag her down all the time.

ogriofa

yip, as others have said, you confronted him and he said he'd stop. After this he went on a weekend away - this amounts to a "feic you". By lying about the weekend to your mum... another "feic you".

I had a similar experience, i confronted the old man and got... "feic you".

He showed zero loyalty & respect to all of you.

Don't feel bad. This would have come up anyway, and you would have felt a lot worse if you had buried your head in the sand.

r3nu4l

Notorious wrote: »

The OP didn't break a parents trust. What was he trusted with? The knowledge that his father was cheating on his mother, and was happy to continue doing so regardless of the fact that his sons had caught him out?

Indeed, the original poster did the right thing. Had he not told his mother then he would have been complicit in his father's behaviour and betraying his mother himself.

What would happen if his mother had found out about the illicit meet-ups in 6 months time and then found out that the kids had known about it for all that time? She would feel doubly betrayed.

The original poster did a very difficult and brave thing and should not feel guilty at all. Easier said than done but he did everything he could before that!

beth-lou

Xterminator wrote: »

Well, first of all its horrible to be in the middle of a situation like this.

I know.

But the truth is i dont think its your (or your brothers) place to 'inform' your mum.

Your parents relationship is entirely a personal matter between them. and while your father's behaviour is not condonable, i dont think you should choose a parent, and interfere.

and snooping into his personal email is not acceptable, and may even be illegal!

another course of action would be to tell your dad your suspicions, and that his behaviour is unacceptable.

you will not know how the parents relationship is, whether they are intimate, etc. You are observing one behavious, but sont know its root causes.

This could cost you your relationship with your father, and regardless of his actions, and motivations, he is and always will be your father.

By saying nothing he would have also been choosing a parent. In that case it would have been the father and in fairness to them they did give him a chance.

I think they did the right thing and their father left them with no choice in the matter. They gave him a chance and he continued. He has no one to blame but himself.

OP I did something similar when I was 15. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but it was either protect him or protect my Mam. I chose my Mam. He was down the local with his mistress, while my 14 year old brother was working there as a lounge boy and being slagged left right and centre by the bar man. I did what I thought was right for my Mam, my brother and the rest of my brothers and sisters.

You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Your Mam had a right to know. It was her choice to ignore it or deal with and she has a right to a life without that kind of deceit and the chance of possibly finding someone deserving of her love. Your father will just continue doing what he has been doing, trawling dating sites and possibly meeting someone new himself.

It is a terrible position to be put in, but when a parent cheats on their partner, they are cheating on the family as a whole. You very fairly gave him the opportunity to correct his behaviour and it's obvious he had no intention of doing so, so it was inevitable that it would end this way one way or the other.

Yes he might be devastated, but so were you and he ignored that. So is your Mam. Who knows, maybe he will cop on and they will sort this out. Either way it was him who made the choice to cheat and it is him and him alone who has to bare that guilt. That's not to say that you need to be his enemy. People make mistakes and he is still your Dad, so try to forgive him and support him as he builds his new life. It is a devastating time, but it will work itself out, it always does.

And people who say it's none of your business would feel very differently if they were in such a position. You can't win no matter what you do, but you have to decide who is more deserving or your loyalty and in this case it was obviously your mother. Of course it's your business. It's not like your some casual aquantance. This is your father, your mother and your family.
I really hope you can get over this and try to forge a relationship with him when the anger has died down.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, thanks very much for all your input. Even just a day later things are getting a little bit better, we're coming to terms with it and supporting each other as a family.

When I said my dad will have no one I should of elaborated, he's isolated himself from all his friends throughout the years, he has a family before ours (with two kids he never kept in contact with - hence why I doubt he'll keep in contact with us).

I think now my mother is just glad she knows, she has friends and us to support her so she will be fine.