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Jealousy and breakup

  • 26-03-2009 11:38pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9


    After being with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, about 6 months ago I started to get some very very jealous feelings. This led me to eventually break up with him as I couldnt cope any longer with the way I felt.

    It really all started with he began to become very friendly with a girl at his workplace. Now this girl was an absolute stunner - beautiful. He started talking about her constantly, and spending a lot of time together on work nights out etc.

    I know this guy would never have cheated on me, or made me feel unloved in anyway..an absolutely perfect guy.

    But I still couldnt control these feelings I had and fear of him being with her. It had even escalated into any mention of a female name and I was digging for any sort of dirt I could get my hands on to find out who she is, etc....nasty stuff altogether.

    After I broke up he was absolutely devestated. As was I. Lately we've been working towards getting back together, and it was going really well. My feelings on the green eyd monster (that had almost disappeared completly when we broke up) was keeping at bay.

    That is until yesterday. He simply mentioned her name, and how another work colleague thought she was the sexiest thing around. One sentence and this all came FLOODING back to me. I cant get it off my mind.

    Has anyone any clue whatsoever as to how to deal with this. I love him so much and really want to be with him. But I cant go through this break up again, I cant be with him until I deal with this issue...


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,104 ✭✭✭easyeason3


    Silly question but have you tried telling him how you feel about her???
    I'm guessing he has no clue & you obviously need him to tell you that 1) there is nothing going on between him & her & 2) he genuinely loves you the way you are.
    Talk to him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 emwem


    Yep, he knows how I feel, and has really tried to make me feel every bit loved. But its still not going away and I dont want it to wreck my relationship with the man I can see myself setting up a life with in the future


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,122 ✭✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    I guess you have to try to accept that he wants to be with you, not her.

    He doesn't have to think all other women are wretched creatures just because he loves you - there's always someone better looking, or smarter, or funnier, but they don't have all the necessary componants to make him love them. You do.

    Are you afraid he's going to leave you for someone else? also did you mention in another post that you cheated on your boyfriend/ex?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tbh I would be jealous too if my oh worked, spent a lot of time with and talked constantly about a stunningly beautiful girl. Likewise, if it was the other way around, he wouldn't be too happy either. We've been together 20yrs and love each other dearly but would both have the cop on not to talk too much about someone that the other person didn't know..it just seems insensitive. Like if my oh was saying 'Jane said this' or 'Jane said that' all the time and 'on our work night out last night me and Jane had great craic, btw did I tell you my mate John said Jane was the sexiest woman ever?' Much as I trust my oh, I would be decidedly uncomfortable with that. I'd be afraid that he could develop feelings for her. It probably shows how innocent he is though when he does talk about her so much. Maybe you should tell him you can't help feeling envious of this girl, that you have insecure feelings and you don't want your jealousy to escalate. Telling you how his mates think this girl is gorgeous is not going to help.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 139 ✭✭Nitxteha


    Do you know her? You said you don't think he's cheating, what are your fears exactly? There are always going to be women more beautiful than you, but you cannot control that..

    It's a pity that you put an end to a nice relationship for a ghost. That girl at work may not be there forever, but you could if you want. Your boyfriend chose to be with you and not with her.

    Talk about it with him, and let him know you have that irrational feeling and how vulnerable you feel. He's got to understand. Ask him to help you.

    If you don't know her, ask him to introduce you. Maybe you relax when you know her and you get the chance to see that she's not perfect. You may even like her and become friends :)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe your not jealous,

    maybe your trusting your instincts, If he is commenting about this girl a lot you may have reason for concern, My boyfriend would have the tact to know something like this is insensitive to comment on,

    I Cant imagine he would even be interested in discussing another girl if he was in a relationship with me, its never happened.

    If your boyfriend knows you have just broken up because he has been commenting about this girl a lit then why has he just insensitively done it again?


    Maybe your feeling like trust is important in your relationship and your instinct is telling you something is up?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 687 ✭✭✭Zadkiel


    Maybe your not jealous,

    maybe your trusting your instincts, If he is commenting about this girl a lot you may have reason for concern, My boyfriend would have the tact to know something like this is insensitive to comment on,

    I Cant imagine he would even be interested in discussing another girl if he was in a relationship with me, its never happened.

    If your boyfriend knows you have just broken up because he has been commenting about this girl a lit then why has he just insensitively done it again?


    Maybe your feeling like trust is important in your relationship and your instinct is telling you something is up?

    And maybe her OH thinks trust is important too but feels like he can talk to her freely about a friend in work, just because he talks about her doesn't mean he has romantic feelings for her.
    My GF is very jealous and I know this, it won't however stop me from speaking to/about women I know as I get on very well with women.
    At the end of the day I understand my gf's feelings and reassure her that she is the only one for me. Perhaps OP speak to your OH and let him know how you feel; If he was devastated by the break up you obviously mean a lot to him and he will reassure you too.

    Jealousy isn't easy to live with for either partner and it sounds like your first relationship with him ended because you didnt speak openly about your feelings?

    This is your issue though not his and the only way you can fix this is by speaking about it with him.
    Sorry if that sounds severe but I hope things get better for you.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    OP, Seek help.

    Seriously, you're torturing this guy, he's probably on edge all the time thinking you'll flip if he mentions a woman's name (you're only fixating on this one because she works with him and sees him regularly but it's nothing to do with her).

    He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have taken you back, do him the respect of sorting yourself out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,068 ✭✭✭yermandan


    Hi OP,

    I believe that when in a relationship, neither party should be afraid to talk about other men/women that they work with or are friends with. Jealousy is a relationship wrecker for sure.

    But I cant understand why, if your bf knows you are dealing with your insecurities as best you can, he would talk about this girl and the fact that another guy he knows thinks she's the sexiest thing going!!??

    I mean, it just seems like an odd conversation to be having with a partner if you ask me.

    If the relationship has as much potential as you say, then for gods sake dont let this ruin it. I think your bf just needs to have more cop on. There are so many things to talk about other than an attractive workmate!!!

    So, in short, you have to keep working on your insecurities and he needs to cop the **** on and be more appropriate.

    Best of luck


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