Need to let go of my irrational anger

LegacyUser

Okay, really need a bit of advice about this, it has gone on too long and I need to get it sorted somehow.

I seem to get on the defence with people quite a lot and it's a particular issue with my father and boyfriends i've had in the past (i'm single right now). I'm just back from travelling for a year and am now temporarily living with my parents 'till i get myself sorted, which i can't really complain about as i'm lucky to have somewhere to live but the problem is I don't get along with my dad. We just had an argument over something really stupid, basically he doesn't think before he speaks and says silly things sometimes that to a normal, reasonable-thinking person would probably laugh off but I take them all incredibly personally. This has always been the case with himself and I and i've got into this terrible habit of taking his little throwaway comments way, waaaaaaaaaay too seriously, biting his head off and feeling awful afterwards.

When I was younger, I used to have a bit of a stammer. This usually happens during stressful times, like at the moment since I arrived home (this hasn't happened all year but the minute I arrive in Dublin Airport and meet my dad, i get a speech impediment again...it's almost as if my body is almost preparing for defence and i'm EXPECTING him to say something hurtful and my body is preparing for a retort.)

I'm no Freud expert but I think I carry these feelings from my relationship with my dad to relationships with boyfriends and it's a disaster and has caused myself and them incredible hurt in the past . The same thing: they say something that any other person might laugh off or might be slightly peed-off about or ignore but I go completely ballistic, have no control over my anger and how i respond and I absolutely hate this about myself. I'm absolutely fine and easy-going with everybody else except occasionally if I feel that someone is condescending me in some way, I take it REALLY, REALLY personally and it becomes a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde scenario because I cool down within minutes almost every time. I always apologise but these apologies start to sound a little disingenuous after the millionth time.

While I was travelling ( I was travelling alone), I had random arguments with virtual strangers in hostels sometimes, usually with men and almost always after a few drinks, because I felt they were belittling me or patronising me in some way with regards to anything from my nationality to my accent to the fact that i'm female...anything and they might have been BUT i'd feel my blood boil, my heart would pound and i'd blurt out something twice as offensive and waaaaaaay too over the top. Luckily I was always travelling with people and I told them to give me a punch in the arm if they saw me getting wound up but i'm sure there's a few people out there who must think i'm a bit of a nut case at this at stage.

I ALWAYS feel immediately guilty afterwards and hate myself a little bit. I'd say i'm generally a cool person but THIS side of me is just awful. My dad is not getting any younger and I want to get along with him so i'd have no regrets if he passed away suddenly. Same goes for relationships, i can't keep picking boyfriends up on every little off-the-cuff comment they make or i'll be single forever (i'm almost 30 by the way).

I've been trying to figure out why i'm like this and it could be down to fact that i was given a very hard time at school for 3-4 years for doing something very silly and very teenager-ish while I was drunk when I was 14. I wasn't exactly shy at school and i had good friends but i never defended myself and i'd be terrified to go to school, walk down the street in my town for fear of someone shouting something at me and being too scared to defend myself (occasionally the bullying was physical). If this is the reason, I really want to let go of this feeling of anger now because i've hurt alot of people in the past, i'm hurting my dad right now and i'm hurting myself.


I'd rather not go to therapy or a councillor because a) i can't afford it and b) i'd rather work it out myself somehow.

I'd appreciate any advice from anyone on how I can deal with this. Thanks for reading.

Karen_*

I really identify with you OP, its an issue I'm dealing with myself at the moment.

You seem to have figured out why you're like this and it IS a defence mechanism and its hard because the hurt you feel when someone makes a throwaway comment is very real to you.

For me, I'm trying to think before I speak now and it requires alot of practise. I take five or ten minutes to go over what has been said and to be rational about it. If I still feel that I've reason to be hurt other than what is just in my own mind well then I say something. But mostly I can let it go. Just try to take it one day at a time and not tackle the rest of your life in the one go. Changing your behaviour will make you feel better about yourself and that eases the anger.

Ideally a counseller would help you with your behaviour and thought patterns but that's not an option at the moment so you hae to put the work in yourself.

People ARE very annoying OP but they're just people and not perfect:D another thing I do before I speak now is imagine how I would feel if the same thing was said to me. And in the main I find its not acceptable that I say what I'd like to say. I'm getting better and better at stoppign myself.

I hope this helps you as it IS helping me and things are changing.

TheDollyParton

I used to have that issue, and seeing a counsellor sorted it. I know you say you don't have the money, but if you made it a priority I'm sure you'd find it. I didn't have the money either but it was too important to let that stop me. I wouldn't have been able to sort it out myself, no matter how much I wanted to.

LegacyUser

I can also identify with ur thread. I have recently finished counselling after going for a few months.

I too had a terrible problem with anger (I am not saying I am completely cured now but I am much much better and like myself a lot more as a result). I used to get very angry when I felt like I was being made a fool of or walked on.

The way my counsellor put it to me was that this behaviour is a defense technique I picked up when I was young. It helped me protect myself when I was young but now I am older I do not need to use this technique anymore (ie getting very mad, saying things I regret and feeling bad afterwards). Now I am older I have to find other ways of dealing with my feelings. I can talk about them and tell people how they have made me feel or simply take 5 minutes with myself to ask why has what this person said triggered my anger.

Also I find when my anger is triggered I fast forward the situation in my head to the outcome. So if someone annoys me I picture myself shouting, screaming, breaking something fast forward again to us cooling down and then again to me apologising and feeling like crap. So in those few seconds I realise there is no point going through the same old pattern as what happens in the end is the same, I feel like crap. So why should I put myself through that!?

I don't know if this makes any sense but I hope it helps. It is great that you have recognised that you want to change and break the habit which is great!

I would try to go to even one session if you could. I couldnt really afford it either but my councellor said I could pay whatver I could afford and even if you just went for one session it would be a great help!

Goodluck!

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, these comments have been really encouraging and it's a relief to hear i'm not the only one. The problem i have is that i react almost immediately, no time has passed between someone making their "patronising" comment and my reaction so i react first and THEN i think. I immediately shout at them or make some doubly- offensive comment back and feel guilty straight away...i'm too embarassed to give examples but God, i said some hideous things to people in the past.

What scares me the most is that i know i'm essentially a good person and don't hold any ill will towards anyone generally but it's as if i'm possessed by someone else sometimes but the thing is, i'm obviously not possessed by some dark, evil force...this is a part of me and i can't accept that because i've always tried to be as kind and as friendly as i could but i sometimes doubt i am a good person and think that maybe under this "nice" exterior, i'm actually just a beatch.

My dad left me a note this morning saying he was sorry if his comments hurt me and he wanted to be friends. This really upset me, i felt sooooo guilty, i want to explain to him why i think i might be this way but i never told him about the hard time i got at school and he's your typical Irish dad from a different generation anyway so talking about your feelings Oprah stylee doesn't go down too well with him. He feels uncomfortable but i want to explain to him because i don't want to live in regret that we never got along.

I might look into that counseling, too big of an emotion to deal with myself.

Thanks again, guys and good luck dealing with your own anger.