Boyfriends friends

Peckley

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, pretty serious living together etc. Anytime we meet up with his friends none of them will even acknowledge me I make a real effort with all them but get totally ignored. As a result I cant go out with him and his friends anymore because Im just left standing there on my own for the night and I dont want him to feel like he has to babysit me all nite. He works every night till late and gets one weekend off every 4 - 6 weeks so we dont get much time to do stuff together except his weekends off, he wants to go out with his friends but I want us to be able to do stuff as well I dont want him to have to choose between me and them............ My head is wrecked :mad:

star-pants

You guys have been together over 2 years and his friends are still unaccepting of you?

do you know any reason why?

Have you spoken to your bf about this?

Peckley

We had a huge fight about it a few weeks ago, nearly broke up over it. He said thats just the way his friends are and they dont know how to speak to women, that they have been that way with all of his girlfriends . I've never done anything for them to dislike me I just cant understand it

Affable

I'd never trust guy friends around a girlfriend, they will screw it up. (I'm a guy) Tell him that (if it's the case) you care for him and are concerned they want to mess it up. Tell him you want him to put this relationship first.

star-pants

Peckley wrote: »

He said thats just the way his friends are and they dont know how to speak to women,

May I ask what age ye all are?

Because if none of you are young teenagers then that's the worst excuse. His friends don't know how to talk to women so they ignore you? That's just ignorant and rude of them. I know you don't want to put it 'them or me' but I would really think he might have a word with them about being a bit nicer. Especially after this long. Has he offered to do this? or is he just '*shrug* they're like that' ?

Rayne

Do any of them have their own girlfriends?
2 years is a long time to be together.... I can't believe they still don't talk to you.

Peckley

We're both 23, the night we had the big fight I said to him that he needs to say something to them, I would if my friends were like that and he said oh i cant they'd just laugh at me ? I said if they were your real friends they would make an effort with me and they would be happy for you

Peckley

SapphireDiamond wrote: »

Do any of them have their own girlfriends?
2 years is a long time to be together.... I can't believe they still don't talk to you.

One of them has a girlfriend she never goes out she has 3 kids, the rest of them dont.

star-pants

Ok then that's just ridiculous... even if I didn't liek a friends OH for whatever reason, I would always make an effort. For my friends sake.

I'm not too sure what you can do if you've already asked your bf to have a word. Does he not care that they make you feel bad?

Rayne

Peckley wrote: »

One of them has a girlfriend she never goes out she has 3 kids, the rest of them dont.

Has she ever been out with them, I'd love to know if they act the same with her!
I think 23 years is an age where they should have a bit more cop on and be mature about things.... None of this primary school antics!

Not sure what more you could do really after talking to your boyf!
Don't confront the boys, thats for sure, they'll only make things worse!

Peckley wrote: »

they dont know how to speak to women

They never will either if this is how they act!

Peckley

Im really starting to think he doesnt. Like next Saturday night is his friends brothers 21st, he wants to go an c his friends cuz he hasnt been out with them in a while which is totally understandable, but we havent been out together since the start of January and havent had a day off together since then either. I want him to come out with me instead but if I say that it'll just end up in a row and I dont want to go to the 21st cuz ill be left standing there like a dope for the night

but43r

The real question here is are you happy in this kind of relationship??? If you'r not then you should split up with him... Maybe he wants to split up but just doesn't say it and is trying for you to do that step???

Edit: Is he ignorant to you when you go out too or is it just his friends??

Peckley

but43r wrote: »

The real question here is are you happy in this kind of relationship??? If you'r not then you should split up with him... Maybe he wants to split up but just doesn't say it and is trying for you to do that step???

Edit: Is he ignorant to you when you go out too or is it just his friends??

No he's never ignorant to me. Everything else between us is great its just his friends..... He has 3 other friends that arent in the same group and I get on great with them its just the group that are so ignorant. He thinks Im over reacting over all this but he cant see it from my point of view

Noelleieos

You could get a couple of your friends to go with you? Or just go out with other friends, don't wait around for him. In my opinion, if he really loved you he should say something to his friends, they are being very rude and after 2 and a half years they could at least make the effort. Don't be afraid to tell him your feelings. You matter just as much as he does in the relationship. It's not all about him. If he can't understand your needs, he's probably not worth it.

ZOLTAN28

He is living with you not his friends - he needs to get his priorities right, grow a set and let his friends know it is not acceptable to be rude to you - worrying about your friends laughing at you is something he should have got over around junior cert time.

If you two ar going to be together permanently then you need to have time together without friends around - if he has only four times he can get out in 6 months then 3 of them should be with you alone an have one night with the lads that you don't need to go on.

If my friends were that ignorant to my wife they would be told in no uncertain terms and they would no longer be friends.

Peckley

ZOLTAN28 wrote: »

He is living with you not his friends - he needs to get his priorities right, grow a set and let his friends know it is not acceptable to be rude to you - worrying about your friends laughing at you is something he should have got over around junior cert time.

If you two ar going to be together permanently then you need to have time together without friends around - if he has only four times he can get out in 6 months then 3 of them should be with you alone an have one night with the lads that you don't need to go on.

If my friends were that ignorant to my wife they would be told in no uncertain terms and they would no longer be friends.

He cant see things that way because it's not happening to him. The excuse that they dont know how to talk to women is complete b*ll*x, it shouldnt have to be me or them, but I shouldnt come second best. At the end of the day Im always there for him when he needs anything, they're not.

R.D. aka MR.D

How did your first meeting go with them way back when?
Do they know it's his work holding him back?
How do you act around them? What do you do when they ignore you?

Is it a case of you say something to some one and they completly blank you?

In my opinion your boyf not speaking to them is unacceptable but i'm just trying to get a picture of why 23 year old men would act like that.

My OH has loads of groups of friends and there is always one who is just rude, won't enter into converation with me or is the first to shout me down in a discusion. but thewhole group!!

Also you poor thing, it sounds horrible

Peckley

Yeah they just completly blank me, me and my OH could walk in Id say hello to everyone not 1 of them would say anything back same when we're heading off Id say see ya lads and get no response, its the same if we meet any of them when we're in town shopping. They all know he works weekends but they seem to think that he can get a weekend off in a drop of a hat, like they'd text him Thursday or Friday to say we're all goin out Saturday night you better be out, if he doesnt go out they b!tch about him, they really are like a bunch of children its like he's the only one that has grown up out of the lot of them. They are the strangest bunch of fellas I have ever met I dont know anyone like them, I know their his friends and I dont expect him to not talk to them but I really think that he should say something to all of them.

Sorry for such the long rant

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

This happened to me when i first went out with my boyfriend,

he was from a big gang of lads and no girls were in the gang, when i came along i found it hard to be treated as an equal and not the idiot woman they took me for, all the lads kept their girlfriends separate at the time, i hated it in the beginning because im very expressive as a person and every time i was around them i had to repress my feelings and not open my mouth!

Luckily for me my boyfriend coped on and drifted away from them because he realized they were not real friends even at the age of 28 his old friends were like come back and join the gang- whats your problem, we were going out and living together for 8 years at this stage but none of them had moved on or grown up, sometimes gangs like this can be very hard to detach from they can put a lot of guilt and pressure on a person like its a family and everyone has a role to live up to,

I found there were a lot of bullies in the gang , and my boyfriend was happy to move on from them, i think its a maturity thing,

Get firm with your boyfriend, he is being arrogant to you trying to minimize and dismiss the problem, this is a sign of things to come either he treats you with respect or he suffers some consequence because of it, never let a man control you or put his friends before you, he needs to grow up and mature over this.

Overheal

Peckley wrote: »

One of them has a girlfriend she never goes out she has 3 kids, the rest of them dont.

Uber-Nerds? Socially inept? How do they act around other people (especially other women), or is it just you in particular? What do they talk about mostly? What do they do?

beezer84

From an alternate point of view if you are going out as the only girl on a "lads night" I think you are being put in an unfair position by your bf, by being asked to do so. From my point of view I have mates that have gf's that our group of friends don't exactly like. The lads are wise enough not to bring their gf's on a lads night out - the above is bound to happen - though being completely ignorant to you is not justifiable. I would imagine your bf knows the exact reason why they treat you this way. You need to broach it with him because things most likely wont improve until you establish the real issue. Good luck to ya!!

TheDollyParton

If it was me I'd be ragin'! And not with the lads, because at the end of the day they sound like ignorant feckers who I wouldn't be bothered with anyway, but with my boyfriend for being a feckin' coward. I could never be with someone who didn't insist that his friends respect me if it was an issue.

rondog

Your BFs mates sound like complete t0ssers.When i bring GFs into my gang my mates would always welcome them in unless the girls are troublesome and this comes out.
Are you sure youve never done anything that would make them dislike you?
Reminds me of a mate who had a GF ,she was a troublesome b1tch but he coudlnt see it.Love is blind it seems.I dont think she was aware either that she was a b1tch,she used to make comments that would p1ss everyone off and wouldnt even realise it,plus she never let our mate out on his own,always threw a fit if he wanted a lads night out.
It seems as though the lads are annoyed that you accompany your BF,maybe they want him on his own for an all lads night out,maybe they cant act the same when youre about nor can your BF?!!
Either way if any of my mates GFs were out I wouldnt ignore them.

kaizer05

rondog wrote: »

Your BFs mates sound like complete t0ssers.When i bring GFs into my gang my mates would always welcome them in unless the girls are troublesome and this comes out.
Are you sure youve never done anything that would make them dislike you?
Reminds me of a mate who had a GF ,she was a troublesome b1tch but he coudlnt see it.Love is blind it seems.I dont think she was aware either that she was a b1tch,she used to make comments that would p1ss everyone off and wouldnt even realise it,plus she never let our mate out on his own,always threw a fit if he wanted a lads night out.
It seems as though the lads are annoyed that you accompany your BF,maybe they want him on his own for an all lads night out,maybe they cant act the same when youre about nor can your BF?!!
Either way if any of my mates GFs were out I wouldnt ignore them.

Took the words right out of my mouth,in there eyes your the prison warden that won't let there poor innocent mate out and they completely resent you for it and i think your BF knows exactly why and gives you that BS excuse "they don't like girls" yeah right i've never heard of a gang of lads not talking about or liking girls, i think he hasn't got the kahoona's to stand up to them for fear of been slagged

Das Kitty

OP, ever try inviting a friend or two of yours out as well to pad up the group a bit of people who will talk to you. You could also try just chatting away to randomers (like me!). It can be good craic.

bullpost

Try to come up with a strategy together for winning them over - one at a time.
Get your BF's buy-in and pick the most friendly of the group (or the natural leader).
Get BF to invite him over on his own to your house to help BF with something e.g. DIY, wiring a PC whatever.
When he's over and task is finished get BF to sit down with you and friend. Have a drink together and work on him, chatting to him and trying to break the ice.It will be harder for him to ignore you in your own home.
Next time you are out with the group target your new friend and make a point of saying hello and goodbye and try getting a response. If the other mates see this they may row in behind him.
Worth a try?

rondog

bullpost wrote: »

Try to come up with a strategy together for winning them over - one at a time.
Get your BF's buy-in and pick the most friendly of the group (or the natural leader).
Get BF to invite him over on his own to your house to help BF with something e.g. DIY, wiring a PC whatever.
When he's over and task is finished get BF to sit down with you and friend. Have a drink together and work on him, chatting to him and trying to break the ice.It will be harder for him to ignore you in your own home.
Next time you are out with the group target your new friend and make a point of saying hello and goodbye and try getting a response. If the other mates see this they may row in behind him.
Worth a try?

Or you could just sleep with them all!!!

Seriously,theyre not worth it,i wouldnt put all the time and effort into immature knobends

Oh The Humanity

Dont bother trying to lick up to them. Feck them. You've done your best to be pleasant but your casting your pearls before swine here. Dont waste your time.

I would definitely suspect they are immature and possibly your boyfriend has spun them a few white lies in the past regarding 'her indoors not letting him out' etc

They've obviously swallowed this hook, line and sinker and now think you are some domineering bulldog in a dress. No matter, let them. You need to stop stressing about them liking you. The more you try to make people like you the less they will.

In future bring along an couple of friends when they are going to be there and leave your boyfriend to it with the three gobsh1tes.

lilmizzme

I agree with the above...next time you're going out withh them, bring a few of your own friends so you wont feel like the odd one out with them....you're being v.considerate of your boyfriend but I really think he has to deal with these losers...it sounds like they're jealous of the relationship u and your BF have....and your BF needs to stand up to them....if they were real friends they'd show a bit of respect. They dont have to be your best friend too but a bit of common curtesy wouldn't go astray!

Kablamo!

I feel the same about my boyfriends mates. To be honest I just grin and bear it, it can be tough but his friends are as much a part of his life as I am, and there's no point causing hard feelings. They've been a group for years so I don't think they do it out of badness, they just aren't very accepting to newcomers (I hope!). Either way when I'm out with them I just leave them to their own devices.

Blangis

Peckley wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, pretty serious living together etc. Anytime we meet up with his friends none of them will even acknowledge me I make a real effort with all them but get totally ignored. As a result I cant go out with him and his friends anymore because Im just left standing there on my own for the night and I dont want him to feel like he has to babysit me all nite. He works every night till late and gets one weekend off every 4 - 6 weeks so we dont get much time to do stuff together except his weekends off, he wants to go out with his friends but I want us to be able to do stuff as well I dont want him to have to choose between me and them............ My head is wrecked :mad:

Might I respectfully suggest that you do want him to choose between you and them, and you want him to choose you over them, but are afraid that he will choose them and not you?

Peckley

beezer84 wrote: »

From an alternate point of view if you are going out as the only girl on a "lads night" I think you are being put in an unfair position by your bf, by being asked to do so. From my point of view I have mates that have gf's that our group of friends don't exactly like. The lads are wise enough not to bring their gf's on a lads night out - the above is bound to happen - though being completely ignorant to you is not justifiable. I would imagine your bf knows the exact reason why they treat you this way. You need to broach it with him because things most likely wont improve until you establish the real issue. Good luck to ya!!

TBH every night is a ''lads night'' with them because none of them have gf's for as long as I know them. I have spoken to by bf about this a few times and just get the same response ''they dont know how to talk to women''. They all have mothers/sisters do they not talk to them I could understand if the were a bunch of farmers from the middle of nowhere with nobody around for miles but they're not (sorry any farmers)

Peckley

rondog wrote: »

Your BFs mates sound like complete t0ssers.When i bring GFs into my gang my mates would always welcome them in unless the girls are troublesome and this comes out.
Are you sure youve never done anything that would make them dislike you?
Reminds me of a mate who had a GF ,she was a troublesome b1tch but he coudlnt see it.Love is blind it seems.I dont think she was aware either that she was a b1tch,she used to make comments that would p1ss everyone off and wouldnt even realise it,plus she never let our mate out on his own,always threw a fit if he wanted a lads night out.
It seems as though the lads are annoyed that you accompany your BF,maybe they want him on his own for an all lads night out,maybe they cant act the same when youre about nor can your BF?!!
Either way if any of my mates GFs were out I wouldnt ignore them.

I have never done anything to make them dislike me, Im not a b!tch. He has his lads nights out, if he doesnt go out with them any weekend his off they get thick with him and then b!tch about him. Its like they have their own click and no one is allowed grow up and get a life and no one else is allowed into their group. He is the only one that doesn't live at home with his parents. I cant understand how my bf is friends with them because he is not a bit like them, like chalk and cheese ! All of my friends and family have been nothing but nice to him since we started going out with each other.