Single and depressed!!

ohanloj3

Hi all, sorry I'm really new to all this but was just looking for some help,tips, advice, anything.....I'm desperate at this stage! I'm 25yrs old and I'm single, have never really had a boyfriend and its killing me, its really getting me down. All my friends have boyfriends and my mam is desperate for me to meet someone, I feel like shes disappointed in me. She wants the big white wedding and grandchildren and I'm terrified I'm never gonna be able to give her that. I know that my lack of love interests is due to my weight and my lack of confidence. Occasionally guys do come and talk to me but I get so petrified and self conscious that I give short answers and my friends say it comes across as rude. Alot of the time I think they only talk to me for a bet!
Please give me some advice, thanks

Lockstep

You might be better off posting this in Personal Issues.

snowy2008

your puitting WAY too much pressure on yourself, be a bit nicer to yourself, listen to your friends, why dont you plan a night out with the girls and spend the day making yourself fabulous, ie get your hair done, new outfit and go out, you never know who you might meet, dont go looking for love, it'll find you! i should know

g'em

Moved from tLL

ohanloj3

kickoutthejams wrote: »

You might be better off posting this in Personal Issues.

How do you do that??

rondog

25??? Youve years n years left.ive many friends who are 30+ who have broken up with people and moved on.
Enjoy yourself now and dont focus on it,it will happen at some stage,the harder you look for it to happen the more of a chore it becomes,enjoy your youth/freedom as youll be surely in a relationship at some stage and can give alot more to the person the more youve lived

ohanloj3

teresa2008 wrote: »

your puitting WAY too much pressure on yourself, be a bit nicer to yourself, listen to your friends, why dont you plan a night out with the girls and spend the day making yourself fabulous, ie get your hair done, new outfit and go out, you never know who you might meet, dont go looking for love, it'll find you! i should know

I do, I really do do all those things but it doesn't seem to matter, to be blunt guys just don't want overweight girls and no amount of me doing my hair or putting on new clothes is going to change that I don't think.

John Mason

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I do, I really do do all those things but it doesn't seem to matter, to be blunt guys just don't want overweight girls and no amount of me doing my hair or putting on new clothes is going to change that I don't think.

this isnt true but if that's how you think then just lose some weight

it's hardly rocket science

rondog

rather than sitting around waiting for things to happen.Join a gym,that will help you feel better about yourself,participate in some classes and get chatting to people,lose weight and become more social at the same time.you dont seem happy with yourself so do something about it

shellyboo

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I do, I really do do all those things but it doesn't seem to matter, to be blunt guys just don't want overweight girls and no amount of me doing my hair or putting on new clothes is going to change that I don't think.

That's a defeatist attitude that means you don't have to make an effort. I am overweight, I get plenty of interest from men. Have a lovely bf now, too.

Something has to change, your attitude or your weight. It's probably easier to lose the weight, tbh, but changing your attitude will be more beneficial. You need to be able to like yourself before you can expect someone to like you - that's true no matter how you look.

Alessandra

There's a foot for every shoe, my granny used to say that:)

Remember your mammy is coming from a time where people married young.. You have another 60 years to find someone, why rush? My mother was always at me about settling and I put her straight that I was in no rush, it's too much fun being single(well I told her that anyway).

ManOfMystery

You'd be surprised how many guys out there will actually go for a girl they like regardless of whether she's overweight or not.

However coming across as rude will definitely put them off. Why don't you just talk back casually? You have nothing to lose.

jellie

Its probably less about your weight than you think and more about your attitude..

ohanloj3 wrote: »

Occasionally guys do come and talk to me but I get so petrified and self conscious that I give short answers and my friends say it comes across as rude. Alot of the time I think they only talk to me for a bet!

do you have male friends? are you used to speaking to men? if a guy speaks to you talk to him the way you would any other person regardless of their gender.

if your weight is affecting your confidence (which it seems to be), why not try lose some weight? id recommend weight watchers if youre interested, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions about it.

ohanloj3

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You'd be surprised how many guys out there will actually go for a girl they like regardless of whether she's overweight or not.

However coming across as rude will definitely put them off. Why don't you just talk back casually? You have nothing to lose.

I do try talk casually, I think I am talking casually but its my friends who tell me I'm not, I don't know why it all comes out wrong, I'm nervous and scared of being made a fool of. To be honest, I had a bad experience before when a guy came to me in a pub, spend an hour or so talking to him thought we were getting on great till his mate came over and told him he'd won the bet and that his pint was waiting for him. As he was walking away I heard them talking calling me a silly cow and saying they couldn't believe I actually thought he was genuinely talking to me. It hurt and its made me put up a barrier.

Curlypinkie

rondog wrote: »

rather than sitting around waiting for things to happen.Join a gym,that will help you feel better about yourself,participate in some classes and get chatting to people,lose weight and become more social at the same time.you dont seem happy with yourself so do something about it

Even better, start doing a sport that is quite male-orientated. It will help you loose the pounds, give you respect in the team/group you'll train in and if you're lucky and find a sport you'll love, you'll totally fortget you're lonely and single!

Amy33

Believe me, you would have a lot more problems if you had a boyfriend.

cantdecide

I know that generally, your desirability to the opposite sex is inversely proportionate to your weight but I quite like a full figure. There's a difference between overweight and obese but you probably don't have to become a stick insect to increase your chances so consider taking some action....

ohanloj3

sar84 wrote: »

Its probably less about your weight than you think and more about your attitude..



do you have male friends? are you used to speaking to men? if a guy speaks to you talk to him the way you would any other person regardless of their gender.

if your weight is affecting your confidence (which it seems to be), why not try lose some weight? id recommend weight watchers if youre interested, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions about it.

I am actually doing weight watchers currently and I exercise three times a week. but your right I think its more my confidence or attitude. No I don't have many male friends at all, I work in a prodominatly female environment too.

shellyboo

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I do try talk casually, I think I am talking casually but its my friends who tell me I'm not, I don't know why it all comes out wrong, I'm nervous and scared of being made a fool of. To be honest, I had a bad experience before when a guy came to me in a pub, spend an hour or so talking to him thought we were getting on great till his mate came over and told him he'd won the bet and that his pint was waiting for him. As he was walking away I heard them talking calling me a silly cow and saying they couldn't believe I actually thought he was genuinely talking to me. It hurt and its made me put up a barrier.

Yes, ok, that's a crap experience... but you can't use it as an excuse. You have to move on from it and get over it. Not all men are like that.

I can tell you now that there is NO reason you cannot get a man. NONE. It's got nothing to do with your weight, it's not those blokes' fault either. It's down to you and how you present yourself, I'm afraid.

You're obviously not very confident - so fake it until you are. Pretend to be a confident person, act like a confident person would act even if you're bricking it - and eventually it will come naturally.

Elbi

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I do try talk casually, I think I am talking casually but its my friends who tell me I'm not, I don't know why it all comes out wrong, I'm nervous and scared of being made a fool of. To be honest, I had a bad experience before when a guy came to me in a pub, spend an hour or so talking to him thought we were getting on great till his mate came over and told him he'd won the bet and that his pint was waiting for him. As he was walking away I heard them talking calling me a silly cow and saying they couldn't believe I actually thought he was genuinely talking to me. It hurt and its made me put up a barrier.

YOu have to try and not let that bad experience affect you forever, that dude was just a total bastard but they are not all like that. I totally understand what your sayting tho, It's very hard get over the insecurities especially when you have an experience like that, but in general if a boy is showing interest it is because he likes you and not because he is a complete moron like the last guy.

jellie

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I am actually doing weight watchers currently and I exercise three times a week. but your right I think its more my confidence or attitude. No I don't have many male friends at all, I work in a prodominatly female environment too.

ok well that sucks a bit.. do you have any male interaction at all socially? friends bfs/brothers/etc?

how is the weight watchers going? i find my confidence growing as the lbs come off, i love seeing my body changing & buying smaller clothes. take the confidence & happiness you get the next time you fit into a smaller size & bring it with you on your next night out (God i sound like a freak but i hope you know what i mean).

btw - i dont think nights out are the best way to meet men anyway, but i dont think you should be focussing on a need to get a bf, for now you should focus on yourself.

LegacyUser

I got to say, hard as it sounds the best option is to lose some weight.

Look at it this way the best way to lose weight is through physical exercise, so try get into some club which involves exercise, something social, ideally with members of both sexes although not essential, even just making new friends will help to give you more confidence.

Physical exercise has the advantage that it makes you feel good, even if you decide to go it alone just doing something will give you more confidence.

Lastly, its sad but its true for the most part men are more attracted to slimmer women, this is especially true in the case of noisy pubs and nightclubs where conversation can be tricky, so by doing exercise and losing weight you will become more attractive in the eyes of men.

Also consider where you are going to meet men, ideally you want to meet them somewhere you can chat to them easily, this where something like hillwalking ticks all the boxes, or go do a nightclass in something.

As a last note your friends can help and support you and you can come here looking for advice but at the end of the day you yourself have to make the effort for anything to happen. But if you do you will meet someone.

ohanloj3

sar84 wrote: »

ok well that sucks a bit.. do you have any male interaction at all socially? friends bfs/brothers/etc?

how is the weight watchers going? i find my confidence growing as the lbs come off, i love seeing my body changing & buying smaller clothes. take the confidence & happiness you get the next time you fit into a smaller size & bring it with you on your next night out (God i sound like a freak but i hope you know what i mean).

btw - i dont think nights out are the best way to meet men anyway, but i dont think you should be focussing on a need to get a bf, for now you should focus on yourself.

Ye I have a brother and I'd see my friend's bfriends the odd time but thats it really and my brother is younger.

God all i seem to be saying is but, but, but!!!BUT I really feel at the end of the line. I know everyone thinks its my own fault and I know you are all thinking well I'm only 25 but I've never had a bfriend-isn't that just weird for a 25 yr old??

All I want is to be happy and for me I think finding someone would make me happy.

I've lost a stone in 6 weeks with weight watchers and it does make me feel better.

Elbi

ohanloj3 wrote: »

All I want is to be happy and for me I think finding someone would make me happy.

I've lost a stone in 6 weeks with weight watchers and it does make me feel better.

Ok you may think that by having a boyfriend you'll be happy but boyfriends are not all sweetness and light, sometimes more trouble than they are worth.

btw, a stone in 6 weeks, good stuff girl, keep it up.

Dravokivich

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I know you are all thinking well I'm only 25 but I've never had a bfriend-isn't that just weird for a 25 yr old??

Nope, bout as young as yerself, never really had a girlfriend and aint to fussed about getting 1 sorted out either. Generally tend to prefer hanging out with people then getting envolved with them, but maybe thats just my kinda thing.

jellie

ohanloj3 wrote: »

Ye I have a brother and I'd see my friend's bfriends the odd time but thats it really and my brother is younger.

God all i seem to be saying is but, but, but!!!BUT I really feel at the end of the line. I know everyone thinks its my own fault and I know you are all thinking well I'm only 25 but I've never had a bfriend-isn't that just weird for a 25 yr old??

unusual but not completely weird. A friend of mine only met her first bf recently and shes 25.

ohanloj3 wrote: »

All I want is to be happy and for me I think finding someone would make me happy.

if youre unhappy getting a bf will not magically fix everything. it might cover it up for awhile, but what happens if you break up? 10 times worse id imagine.. you really shouldnt depend on anyone else to make you happy

ohanloj3 wrote: »

I've lost a stone in 6 weeks with weight watchers and it does make me feel better.

thats fantastic keep it up, you must feel great

Elbi wrote: »

Ok you may think that by having a boyfriend you'll be happy but boyfriends are not all sweetness and light, sometimes more trouble than they are worth.

not a great attitude to have either. maybe youre just trying to make her feel better but its very negative..

Orla K

My friend would be obese, has been for a number of years. She is now the owner of a house with a guy she is engaged to and is also carrying their first child now. I have another friend who is bigger than her(older too) has been overweight since she was a child and has two children herself and married, the children came first, she got pregnant in her teens but even with extra weight and one(I think the other one is his, can't remember now) child she found a guy who wanted to marry her.

It's difficult at times but you have to get rid of the idea that they don't want to go out with you because they do. I have a more friends that are overweight (I am too, but not by much, I'd be the skinny one in that group of friends) than 'normal' sized and I have never seen anyone talk to them for a bet. I also hang around with guys(they don't keep it clean when I'm there too) none of them put on any bets about talking to any sort of women.

Edit
I should have read ALL the posts first

ohanloj3 wrote: »

To be honest, I had a bad experience before when a guy came to me in a pub, spend an hour or so talking to him thought we were getting on great till his mate came over and told him he'd won the bet and that his pint was waiting for him. As he was walking away I heard them talking calling me a silly cow and saying they couldn't believe I actually thought he was genuinely talking to me. It hurt and its made me put up a barrier.

That would be really horrible. If I was there I would have kicked in in between his legs while wearing pointy shoes for you. There are no guys that I know who are as big of asses as him. Thinking about that there is someone I do feel worse for, whoever he ends up dating, I can't imagine someone so shallow. Just please don't think all the guys or even most are like that.

Cormb

ohanloj3 wrote: »

Ye I have a brother and I'd see my friend's bfriends the odd time but thats it really and my brother is younger.

God all i seem to be saying is but, but, but!!!BUT I really feel at the end of the line. I know everyone thinks its my own fault and I know you are all thinking well I'm only 25 but I've never had a bfriend-isn't that just weird for a 25 yr old??

All I want is to be happy and for me I think finding someone would make me happy.

I've lost a stone in 6 weeks with weight watchers and it does make me feel better.

Hi OP
Fair play to you - the Weight Watchers seems to be helping if you're feeling better as a result of it. Sounds like it might be worth keeping up if you're happy with the results.

While I can understand your concern or fustration at a lack of a boyfriend, I don't think your situation is uncommon at 25 - its probably an age when many of us start thinking about serious relationships and I know others that have not had a relationship at that age.

I think its a matter of socialising, meeting people and hopefully you'll come across someone that you can have a relationship with, someone that will give you the time and attention you deserve.

all the best.

boarddotie

Im 26 and never a proper boyfriend either and it only bothers me sometimes! (i.e. at holidays, summer time, at 'couples events')

OP I totally understand how that incident with that fella chatting u up would knock the confidence. Something similar happned to me (but we were only talking for a few minutes) and the crap thing was was that I had zero interest in him!

Im not overweight or lacking in confidence in any other area so it can happen to anyone that we havent found 'the one' (then again, who wants just one eh?!)

try and go out with single friends (if u have any left) so you arent as under pressure to be looking for a fella, just go out to have a laugh and the rest will follow.

...Now I am going off to try and take my own advcie :rolleyes:

Munster_Gal

Try not to worry about it so much. I'm 26 and I've had my heart broken by the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I'll be 27 in August and I'm back living with my parents! Being 25 and not had a proper relationship means that you've missed out on the heartbreak of losing someone you love. Trust me, It's not something that you ever want to go through.

As plenty of other people said, try to lose some weight, but don't do it because you want to get a boyfriend, do it because you want to and because it makes you feel good. As you lose the weight you should gradually gain some more self confidence as you begin to feel more comfortable with yourself.

Take it from someone who found out only recently - it's better to be singe then to have your heart trampled on!!!!

Dudess

OP, your mother has no right to put such pressure on you - it's appalling of her actually. I have no time for parents trying to live out their dreams through their children. It's unfair and completely selfish. So don't start climbing the walls with anxiety for her sake about never having a boyfriend.

Instead, focus on YOU - feeling better about yourself. No matter what anyone says about your inner beauty, not all guys being assholes, not all guys only fancying slim girls, dressing up to look great and heading out with the girls to feel better (you do that anyway), years left to find a guy etc, your weight will always hold you back. I'm not saying it should. I too know girls who are overweight and simply aren't bothered by it and thus... the guys come a-flocking. That's no use to you though, because unlike them, you ARE bothered by your weight. So keep working on it - you're doing brilliantly.
Put it this way: I'm slim, yet far more body-conscious than one of my best mates who's very overweight - she doesn't give a sh1t and lives with a man who adores her. And she had a string of smitten boyfriends before him. My point is, when it comes to body image, it doesn't matter ultimately what size you are, it's how you feel about yourself - and if working on your weight makes you feel better, then you should do it.

Secondly, start making the most of what you have now - I bet there's something you like about yourself: your eyes? Skin? Hair? Lips? You're not happy with your body shape but are there individual bits you like? Neck? Cleavage? Maybe you find your legs and bum too big at the moment but take a good look at them - do they still have a nice shape? Have they the potential to be killer when you've slimmed down some more? Emphasise the bits you like about yourself - if you love your eyes, then wear some sultry eye make-up. If you love your hair, style it so it looks its best. All these little things can give you such a boost.
And while you're losing the weight, find clothes to flatter your figure - you'd be amazed how slimming some clothing items can be. This is a great time of year to be losing weight - you've months of long evenings for outdoor exercises (so much more fun than the gym) ahead of you. Make the most of it.

I have a mantra - nobody who is unhappy with themselves should be in a relationship (generally speaking). I know you feel 25 is late in life to never have been in a relationship. Meh, I see what you're saying, but you're still young and those things ultimately don't matter. They're really not important in the great scheme of things. And they certainly don't matter as you get older - when you're 50, it won't really make a difference whether your first boyfriend was at 26 or 16.

You gotta start with building your confidence - don't mind anything else. Other things will fall into place from there - I'm sure of it.

Very best of luck.