Wife's friend at work

the_dark_side

as I being overly concerned when I dont need to be? ... I'll keep it brief, married just over 1 year to partner of 8 years, things very good generally apart from one episode which we put behind us. She has a friend at work who I have met once on a night out, they seemed to get on very well etc. She was at the Christmas party and stayed over at his house rather than drive home (a spare house attached to his mother's homeplace).. then she tells me that he came out of the closet not long before.. a few nights ago she had to travel some distance to attend a meeting which ran late and stayed over at his place again, and told me yesterday that she plans to stay over again next week because there is another late event on, her work is over an hours drive from our house. What is everyone's take on this? thanks

Gone Drinking

Does he look and act like a massive poof? A girly poof i mean..

the_dark_side

Id have to say no, he doesnt... but at the same time...not the type of person that you would be surprised to hear came out of the closet

Gone Drinking

Personally, i wouldn't be happy with my wife being "stay over" mates with anyone who isn't a massive Graham Norton type poof. Not saying this guy isn't a poof, he probably is but i can imagine you don't feel comfortable with the whole thing.

My advice would be to sit down with your wife and tell her the whole thing is making you feel a little bit uncomfortable and that you'd prefer she came home, or stayed in a b&b or something. I don't think that would be unreasonable.

partyguinness

Hard to say..you are right to be uncomfortable with this...

Sure it may be innocent but still its very borderline..does she see anything inappropriate with this?

Only you know your wife but you must chat to her...the coming out of the closest story doesnt convince me...too convenient...

pab_lowe

What was the 'thing that you put behind you'? Does it bear any relation to what your suspicions are now?

the_dark_side

she hasnt expressed any problems with this arrangement, but was slightly covert about it, in that when she mentioned next weeks arrangement, it was as if she was timing her moment to tell me

the_dark_side

pab_lowe wrote: »

What was the 'thing that you put behind you'? Does it bear any relation to what your suspicions are now?

yes

helimachoptor

Her job is an hour away???
Thats pretty much down the road, she should be coming home.

Is there anyone else you can ask about this guys sexual preference?

You could offer to pick her up?

Sounds fishy...

Vegeta

Tell her out straight how you feel. Talk about it with her.

Just tell her you're willing to collect her or something so she doesn't have to drive home herself. Pay for a taxi etc

Tell her the truth (its making you uncomfortable) and be willing to help bring her home

partyguinness

It is very suspicious and personally, I dont buy it.

Its only an hour away and she would rather spend the night with another guy rather than come home to her husband...

Mate follow your instincts...they are rarely wrong...not to mention a track record...

the_dark_side

appartenty very few people, if any know that he has come out, I was thinking of making discrete enquiries. Its hard to offer topick her up as she drives herself to and from. Its an hour and 15 minutes there abouts...

Dizzyblonde

I think that regardless of the fact that he's probably gay and nothing's going on, it all still sounds quite fishy really. Something's not right if your wife is being secretive - could she be using this guy as a cover?

partyguinness

Yes you defo should make enquries...

Or maybe the next time she stays over you surprise them with a visit at his house and see exactly what the arrangments are sleeping wise..(bottle of wine etc in hand on the pretense of a social call)..seriously..as primative as this sounds you need to mark your territiory very clearly

As the old saying.."Keep your friends close but your enemies closer"

stifz

wHY DOES SHE NEED TO STAY OVER IF ITS AN HOURS DRIVE AWAY:o?

Dravokivich

Would you not be able to arrange picking up the car later the next afternoon after the night out?

Worked in a few hard to get to places with public transport, but there was always a bus home at the end of the night, except for that, the guys that drove usually got picked up from their OH's and wasn't too odd to see that. they'd arrange to go back to the office at some stage over the weekend to pick up the car.

davej

Would your wife mind you staying overnight with a woman if you told her "it's ok, she's a lesbian" ?

the_dark_side

by the way, I am also invited to stay over next week

star-pants

Agreed - I wouldn't be comfortable, gay or not, she's staying over quite often.
And you said she's not being overly open about it either, which totally raises suspicion.

Not saying anythings going on, but I would be curious. Perhaps see if you can call out and have dinner one of the nights she's staying over. Or surprise her with a hotel night or something (collecting her from gaymans house). See how that goes. That way you might get an insight to the arrangements.

EDIT - just saw your last post- ok go and stay over and see what you can suss from it.

ManOfMystery

What is the 'late event' that's on? Can you make discreet enquiries to find out if it's for real?

Amy33

How do u even know she is staying at this guy's house? If she's not coming home she could be staying anywhere.

Gone Drinking

the_dark_side wrote: »

by the way, I am also invited to stay over next week

Stay over then, and when your wife heads to the jacks make a move on your man. If he goes for it, you know your birds safe!

rondog

the_dark_side wrote: »

by the way, I am also invited to stay over next week

id stay over TBH and see if you can suss out whether theres anything between them,a partner should be able to sense if theres chemistry between their OH or anything going on by seeing together

the_dark_side

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Stay over then, and when your wife heads to the jacks make a move on your man. If he goes for it, you know your birds safe!

lol!

partyguinness

the_dark_side wrote: »

by the way, I am also invited to stay over next week

Thats is a significant fact you omitted....call their bluff and stay over.

Beruthiel

the_dark_side wrote: »

What is everyone's take on this?

Do you trust your wife?

bobbbb

A mate of mine asked if he could say he was staying with me every now and again. Wanted to cheat on his wife (also a good mate).

I said no. He now stays regularly at another mates house - cheating.

the_dark_side

partyguinness wrote: »

Thats is a significant fact you omitted....

yes, I suppose, but part of me thinks that it could be calling my bluff, an invite to keep me from being sus... once Im invited, Im happy enough, and wont act on it

Zamboni

Staying over in some randomers house to see if he is a poof and to satisfy yourself that your missus is not playing away from home?
What is this? A bad american sitcom?

Seriously.
Tell her this is unacceptable behaviour based on her past performance and the miserable short drive home.
It's a ****e reason love now sort it out.

ManOfMystery

the_dark_side wrote: »

yes, I suppose, but part of me thinks that it could be calling my bluff, an invite to keep me from being sus... once Im invited, Im happy enough, and wont act on it

It sounds like a bluff. She doesn't want to do the hour's drive home, but is happy to ask you to come there - then whats the point? She may as well just come home.

If I was you I would say no now, then a few hours beforehand ring her and say you've changed your mind and are going to come down. See if she sounds a bit flustered or frustrated in her response.

bobbbb

the_dark_side wrote: »

yes, I suppose, but part of me thinks that it could be calling my bluff, an invite to keep me from being sus... once Im invited, Im happy enough, and wont act on it

No normal person puts their other half in the position she is putting you in without something fishy going on.
If anything is going on you wont find out after you've been invited. What about the nights you're not invited.

Wake up man.

partyguinness

the_dark_side wrote: »

yes, I suppose, but part of me thinks that it could be calling my bluff, an invite to keep me from being sus... once Im invited, Im happy enough, and wont act on it

Mate, I think it is universally accepted here that her overnight stays are not acceptable and you need to nip this in the bud straight away. She is your wife...FFS

I cannot fathom her logic..what is so great about his house..pool? Bar? Swing club?

I hate to say this but it sounds like she is taking you for a complete fool.

Gone Drinking

Beruthiel wrote: »

Do you trust your wife?

I think there's a little bit more than that here. I mean, my girlfriend trusts me, i know that for a fact but im sure if i told her i was staying over in a lesbian friends house she wouldn't be comfortable with it. And she's not even my wife.

Its down to things that should and really shouldn't be done in my mind. Unless like i said before, the guy is a massive Alan Carr type poof, in which case its just like her staying in a girlfriends house.

the_dark_side

Gone Drinking wrote: »

I think there's a little bit more than that here. I mean, my girlfriend trusts me, i know that for a fact but im sure if i told her i was staying over in a lesbian friends house she wouldn't be comfortable with it. And she's not even my wife.

Its down to things that should and really shouldn't be done in my mind. Unless like i said before, the guy is a massive Alan Carr type poof, in which case its just like her staying in a girlfriends house.

Thanks, that pretty much answers that question for me

Dizzyblonde

OP, it's obvious that you don't trust your wife and feel she's lying to you on some level. And this when she should be rebuilding your trust in her after the past incident? Her behaviour is hardly reassuring.

the_dark_side

by the way, many thanks for the advice, going to try to sort it all out this evening.. I dont want to appear like an over possesive husband, or an intensely jealous Taliban esque person, but this arrangement is pushing it a bit for me

Gone Drinking

Zamboni wrote: »

Staying over in some randomers house to see if he is a poof and to satisfy yourself that your missus is not playing away from home?
What is this? A bad american sitcom?.

I was kidding when i made that statement, although i would like to watch that sitcom, it sounds funny :P

Good luck OP, i'm sure it'll sort itself out!

ManOfMystery

Just out of interest, did the previous 'incident' involve cheating? Just trying to establish if there's a pattern in her behaviour. If so did she stay away nights then too, or is staying away a regular part of her job anyway?

the_dark_side

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

OP, it's obvious that you don't trust your wife and feel she's lying to you on some level. And this when she should be rebuilding your trust in her after the past incident? Her behaviour is hardly reassuring.

As you may understand, the very last thing I want ever to say is that I dont trust my wife. I want to trust her and give her every benefit of the doubt

Zamboni

the_dark_side wrote: »

I dont want to appear like an over possesive husband

You don't. It's a perfectly legitiamte concern mate.

pab_lowe

I understand that you need to move on from past incidents in your relationship. However if, as I am gauging from your response, there is a track record of 'reason for suspicion', surely you need to do something for your own sanity.
best of luck with sorting this out

Beruthiel

Zamboni wrote: »

Staying over in some randomers house to see if he is a poof

What the hell is wrong with you people.

I've seen nothing but homophobic stereotyping in this thread.
Cop on the lot of you.

This is PI, I'm going to hand out bans from here on in.


OP
If you have trust issues with your wife, why are you not talking to her about them?

howamidifferent

Think about it like this...

If you knew in advance you were going out on the tear and couldnt/wouldnt be able to drive home afterwards,
wouldnt your first instinct be to try and arrange a cab or a lift from your partner.

If that wasnt on then maybe you might try and get a couch from one of "the lads" where you can just crash...

But you'd hardly ask some girl you work with could you stay over regardless of how friendly you were...

Even if you would do or even if the female friend offered, would you take up the offer?

Ask yourself, why would your wife WANT to stay over in some other mans house, gay or not, when he will see her first thing next morning, not at her best...

In all of my years going out, staying over at someone elses place was always a last resort,
not something you would do unless you positvley had no other choice...

I mean who wants to wake up after a night out with a hangover, not in their own bed UNLESS you were going to get some....

She has weeks to arrange an alternative...

I wouldnt trust that sitation at all..even if he was Graham Norton, I'd be asking if she really is even with HIM...

Gone Drinking

Beruthiel wrote: »

OP
If you have trust issues with your wife, why are you not talking to her about them?

Whats the point of a personal issues forum if when he asks a question he gets asked to talk to someone else about it. He's scoping for peoples opinions here, that's obvious.

He's said he's going to hit the nail on the head tonight, have you read any of the thread?

the_dark_side

Beruthiel wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with you people.

I've seen nothing but homophobic stereotyping in this thread.
Cop on the lot of you.

This is PI, I'm going to hand out bans from here on in.


OP
If you have trust issues with your wife, why are you not talking to her about them?

I want to hear other peoples take on my situation... I dont want to have mistrust and suspicsion reappear and fester in my relationship. Boards.ie allows me to ask open and frank questions about this, where the mistake I made before, was to talk to friends about such problems... it goes round like wildfire. Confidentiality runs very thin where affairs of the heart are discussed.. I never meant to create any homophobic feelings in this thread, it just happens to be an important detail in my story

LegacyUser

If you trust her then let her stay. If you don't, then tell her.

You;ve been invited to stay over so stay (if you don't trust her).

An ex of mine went on holidays with two guys - think one of them was gay, maybe it was both... maybe neither, can't remember now. I had never met them. She worked with them and I didn't think anything of it. I couldn;t afford to go away at the time - she could.

Nothing happened as far as I am aware.

We trusted each other.

If she says he is gay and you don't believe her, you are calling your wife a liar and a cheat.

Mr. Presentable

OP, I could be way off the mark here, but this guy sounds like a "beard". He is her friend who is covering for her while she is with someone else.

The best suggestion someone posted is to drop by with a weekend bag and some flowers etc to whisk her for a romantic night or two at a nice hotel, to make up for her not getting home. Then let her know how you feel about the situation. No accusations, measures discussion.

Zamboni

Beruthiel wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with you people.

I've seen nothing but homophobic stereotyping in this thread.
Cop on the lot of you.

This is PI, I'm going to hand out bans from here on in.


OP
If you have trust issues with your wife, why are you not talking to her about them?

I did not use the word poof in a negative manner.
Your interpretation says more about you than me.

First and last time in this forum.

Good day.

Dizzyblonde

I must be missing something, I've missed the homophobic stereotyping.

OP it's obvious that you want to trust your wife. She's just making it very difficult.
You'll never get to the bottom of it if you don't talk about the situation - hopefully she'll be able to put your mind at rest.
What I see in this thread is that the vast majority of people wouldn't be happy to be in your position and would definitely be suspicious though.

Nervous Wreck

Beruthiel wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with you people.

I've seen nothing but homophobic stereotyping in this thread.
Cop on the lot of you.

This is PI, I'm going to hand out bans from here on in.

Thanks. I felt pretty much sick on reading some of the homophobic comments on this thread....

Jumpy

Erm, I dont see anything homophobic on this thread whatsoever. There is a word used that is mildly derogatory in some countries (Ireland is one of them) but nothing homophobic. If everyone is now finished derailling the thread with invisible problems I will make my comment.
Personally I dont think there is much to worry about if he isnt into women. Although I personally would be a little upset at the lack of respect shown.
Sexual preference doesnt change ones gender and although I would be thinking in my mind "its ok, he is just like one of her girlfriends" I would be deeply uncomfortable that my OH is staying overnight at a guys house.
Personally I think a sit down discussion is on the cards here. Explain your issues, and if she still says she is going to do it regardless, then I would either try to resolve your communication problems or maybe consider that someone with that little respect for your concerns might not be the best person for you (absolute worst case - I am not a knee-jerk "dump em" PI poster - problems should be resolved, not run from).