I've hurt a friend one too many times

LegacyUser

Im a 19 yo female, in college. Ive been friends with a guy, call him James. Since I first got to know him (4 years ago) he has liked me, and was in love with me (his words). I was with someone at the time, after splitting with them I scored James a few times and made it clear that it was just casual, though he seemed to think diffferent. After a night out he found out I had scored someone else and was very very hurt. I was just out of a relationship and didnt want to be in another one. It wasnt my intention, but nonetheless he didnt speak to me for months.

About 8 months ago we started talking again, and decided to give it another go, scored again a few times and it came down to he feels too much like a brother to me. He has barely spoken to me since - I tried it again and it didnt work out. Maybe I was wrong to try it again but I felt he deserved that much at least.

A few weeks ago, I scored a friend of his. His friend knew me, and knew what had happened between me and James. I didnt realise that the two were best, best friends though. We met up a few times, kept it quiet and then stopped as we didnt want to hurt anyone. A person James knew saw me and the other guy out and the other guy decided to tell James, without telling me. Ive hurt James beyond words and Im meeting up with his this weekend - James knows all about the other guy and is very upset.

How on earth am I gonna fix this one? I know ive brought it on myself, but I dont want to loose James as a friend. I love him, so much - but only as a friend. I almost feel as though thats not enough, because he wants more.

Wibbs

IMHO you've lost him as a friend. At least for the time being. You've given him, from his point of view anyway, mixed signals with all the scoring and back and forth. Now you've hooked up with his mate, you can't expect to be mates with him, not when he's made it clear he loves you.

My advice? don't try to be his friend. That's not your call it's his and I suspect he won't want it, unless he still thinks he has a chance. Which will come back to bite him. So if you do care for him, let him go. Your needs are not at play here as you want the best of both worlds, but he doesn't get to have that.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for the reply Wibbs. Just to clarify, myslef and his friend stopped scoring after 5 days, Ive no intention of being with him again.

everything you've said is so, so true.

star-pants

Agree with wibbs, you've probably lost him as a friend.

He said he loved you & you kissed him ? then said it was casual? when you knew he was in love with you.
Gave him false hope *again* by kissing him after the next boyfriend, when you knew he still felt the same.
And now have scored his best friend?

In his eyes you've just played him. You knew how he felt and yet you crossed the boundaries. I don't think ye can be friends, at least not for a while. He's going to be too hurt. If you love him as a friend, you'll let him decide whether he wants to stay your friend or not.

LegacyUser

Op again - no justification for what Ive done. Im so ashamed. It was so immature of me, so stupid and so hurtful to someone else. And if i feel like this, God only knows how he feels.

cantdecide

The only thing that can fix the situation is for him to fall for someone else and that's out of your hands. All you can do is learn from your mistakes. Friends falling for friends is a very common topic on PI and it usually works out with the same result....

Dravokivich

Yer mate had a 4 year crush on you? Has he ya'know "scored" other chicks? I think the infatuation he has with you may be due to the close friendship you described. I think it was kinda selfish the way you've had him to fall back on a couple of times before also.

LegacyUser

I've been in James position before. You have to realise you have grabbed him by the heart, twisted it about and broken him down to his core. The kindest thing you can do now is stay away from him and let him get over you. A girl I knew played me like this for years until I finally told her to go f*** herself. Haven't spoken to her in over a year now.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont want to loose James as a friend. I love him, so much - but only as a friend. I almost feel as though thats not enough, because he wants more.

He isn't your friend. It wasn't friendship. You used him as an emotional crutch and he thought he was getting somewhere out of it. you used him to fill in all the emotional aspects you were lacking in your life at the time. I've been in his position before and believe me, he's long gone. If he wants to cut contact then let him. It's the best thing you can do for him.

biko

Unfortunately you've burned the bridges between you and James.
Let him get over you and maybe in years time you can become friends again, maybe not.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again - no justification for what Ive done. Im so ashamed. It was so immature of me, so stupid and so hurtful to someone else. And if i feel like this, God only knows how he feels.

OK look we all screw up. So you've screwed up, but you see that and now you're looking for ways to ease off his hurt as much as you can. All good. You need to back off from him though. No matter how much you want his friendship, that ship has sailed at least for the moment.

Loomis

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again - no justification for what Ive done. Im so ashamed. It was so immature of me, so stupid and so hurtful to someone else. And if i feel like this, God only knows how he feels.

You're completely right here.
You used one of your best friends for a cheap score after coming out of a relationship. That's bad enough. Doing it when you knew the guy was in love with you was beyond selfish. Call it immature if you want, I see it as purely selfish. It shows you didn't consider him at all so maturity doesn't really come into it.
If he has any sense he'll sever the friendship for good - if that's how his friends treat him etc
You should just accept it. It's your doing so let him decide what he wants.

stapolinhosting

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again - no justification for what Ive done. Im so ashamed. It was so immature of me, so stupid and so hurtful to someone else. And if i feel like this, God only knows how he feels.

Listen, your still young. You will get over this in time and so will your friend. Of course, its not an ideal situation for either of you to be in but you are there now and it is out of your hands. If you love him as a friend then maybe just let him get on with his life. But you never know, maybe later down the line you guys might start talking again.

Im not going try and defend what you did, but you are still young and you have plenty of life to live and so does he. You will both be fine in time.