The silent treatment

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been with this amazing girl for five months now, we literally spend every moment we can together, and never get bored of each other.

Everything is great. Two or three times though, she has been angry or upset about something I said or did, but it takes very long for us to work through it.

Instead of telling me what the problem is, she goes almost completely silent with me (I mean when we're in the same place). No smiling, no touching, no conversation at all. I'll ask her if something is wrong and she always just gives a quick "no" and a little shrug. I've tried explaining that I know something is wrong and I want to talk about it, but it takes about half an hour of this game before she even admits she's angry. Then it's more of me pleading with her to tell me why, and eventually we can start talking about the problem.

She claims "I should know" what the problem is. One time I started listing out any and every incidental thing that might be upsetting her before finding what the problem is.

Any advice on this? Is this a normal way for her to show she's angry, or should I know straight away what's wrong?

Beruthiel

redunreg wrote: »

She claims "I should know" what the problem is.

It takes some women a long time to work out that in fact you don't actually know.
Some never work it out and have miserable relationships as a result.

When she is in good form, sit her down and explain that she may *think* you 'should know' but in fact, not a word of a lie, you actually don't.
Not a clue.
Woosh.
Totally over your head.
Not if your life depended upon it could you work it out.

Then tell her that the next time this happens, she is to simply come straight out with what her problem is.
Total truth.
Use a sledge hammer to be sure.

If she does this, your relationship will improve minus the bulls!it.

/edit
In fact, print this out and make her read it!

star-pants

I can identify with being a bit quiet if I'm upset because sometimes I find it hard to talk about things. But I will do my best. I won't just ignore someone or like not smile/touch/anything. That's a bit childish tbh.
She can't expect you to know exactly what's annoyed her - it's why you ask. I can understand it getting frustrating after a while. Maybe you should have a word with her, just say that if she's upset/angry to just tell you, in some shape or form because otherwise you won't know.

Being all cold & silent & waiting for you to 'guess' what's wrong isn't fair. Communication is the biggest key to relationships.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I'll definitely talk to her about it. (Once we get over our current argument). We live a few hours drive apart (for now), so I only see her at weekends. I drove to meet her last night, and the night was a bit of a mess because of this. By morning, just before I had to leave to get to work in time, she finally admitted being angry (despite it being so clear to everyone last night). I still don't know why.

I think it would have been so much better all round if we had worked this out last night. Because of us being apart, it's probably going to become a big thing, and drag into the weekend.

I love my gf, but I really "miss her" when it's like this.

Wibbs

I agree with the other posters. I would add that some women get some weird kick out of this. They get emotional stimulation from the silent treatment and more to the point your reaction to it. So just asking her calmly to tell you may fail, as she actually likes doing it, or gets something from it. Lets face it if she didn't she wouldnt do it.

So my advice is don't play into it. At all. Do as Beruthiel suggests, but I would say it once, nice and calmly, no emotional stuff. Then if she continues, ignore her and act as if it's all normal. Act as if this is not having any effect on you. This will take a lot of the wind out of it for her as she's not getting what she "wants". If she continues with the silent treatment, then again calmly and nicely cut the date short and tell her you'll see her again when she explains what the issue she has with you. Be pleasant with her when you do this. This will be hard for you, but if you keep plugging into this, she will keep doing it and you can't live your relationship like that. Often it gets worse. As I say she's getting something from it.

My 2 cents anyway

Das Kitty

redunreg wrote: »

Thanks, I'll definitely talk to her about it. (Once we get over our current argument). We live a few hours drive apart (for now), so I only see her at weekends. I drove to meet her last night, and the night was a bit of a mess because of this. By morning, just before I had to leave to get to work in time, she finally admitted being angry (despite it being so clear to everyone last night). I still don't know why.

I think it would have been so much better all round if we had worked this out last night. Because of us being apart, it's probably going to become a big thing, and drag into the weekend.

I love my gf, but I really "miss her" when it's like this.

Christ! That's terrible.

The "Silent Treatment" is the most passive-aggressive awful thing to impose on someone you supposedly love. It's obviously being used as a form of torture for something you may or may not have done.

If she were open and told you exactly what the problem was you could have got to the solution in no time and both enjoyed the weekend rather than wasting it like this.

Totally unacceptable.

Now I do understand someone formulating their thoughts for a short while, but it shouldn't take all night!

Wibbs

I would also add and this is IMHO, so take it with a pinch of salt if you will.... In general women need more external emotional stimulation in their lives than men do. Men generally need less and it's internal more than external. No man is an island, but they can handle a lack of emotional stimulation better than most women IME. Women get this from a more fluid and dynamic relationship with mates, family and lovers. In the lovers case if they're not getting healthy stimulation, they often make up the deficit with unhealthy emotional stimulation. Usually from within. Or they have a male mate(often who they know fancies them) to take up the slack. Emotional **** as it were in lieu of the real deal. This current behaviour is often a symptom of that. If it's consistent of course, we all have our off days.

So as her BF the responsibility partially rests with you to make sure she gets good emotional stimulation in the relationship. This means you have to be involved more than you would be with say a male mate and not just the obvious lovey dovey stuff either. So I would also look at what you're bringing consistently to her world and what she brings to yours. The nebulous idea of "love" is great, but it needs practical day to day engagement stuff too.

As I say that's just my humble so...

Nevyn

Das Kitty wrote: »

Christ! That's terrible.

The "Silent Treatment" is the most passive-aggressive awful thing to impose on someone you supposedly love. It's obviously being used as a form of torture for something you may or may not have done.

If she were open and told you exactly what the problem was you could have got to the solution in no time and both enjoyed the weekend rather than wasting it like this.

Totally unacceptable.

I agree and it's not a tactic only women use, espaically the transference of the issue on to the other person and the belittling them for not knowing what they did wrong.

Wibbs

Very true.

upmeath

An ex-gf of mine was great for this, and it's one of the main reasons I broke up with her. But she wasn't completely hands-off when something was up, she'd still be physically close in public, holding hands and whatever. It would often be over little or nothing, perhaps not calling her til late in the evening, even though she'd know I was training or studying or whatever, and it would snowball into something huge by the time the sh!t hit the fan, whether we were in public or alone at the moment of impact.
I find some women do it to garner extra attention for themselves, and they get a perverse kick out of it too. As men, we're not all qualified psychologists, we don't indulge in mind games to the same extent that many women do, and for that reason it can be eons before we cop something is up, nevermind getting to the bottom of what it might be.
It can be a cry for attention, maybe you were out with the lads some evening and the girls weren't up for going out so she stayed in, maybe a little bit jealous. You have to draw a line though, and that's why I got out, I think we all need some time out to socialise with our own gender, our own group. And anyone who tries to tie you down and indulges in mind games on account of self-pity or jealousy doesn't deserve the attention they're craving, it's very childish.

Joey the lips

HI OP its called picture and no sound. My estimate is it happens about 6 months into a relationship and can last 2 - 5 years. The o/h then usually realises 2 things

1. You have given up careing what they think

2. You couild not be bothered guessing

She will work through it. Dont worry!

Oh The Humanity

I had an ex like this. He would sit there with a pained expression on his mush trying to look all righteously wounded.....:rolleyes:

At first I had no experience of dealing with passive aggressiveness and did the wrong thing, the exact thing that they want you to do: ie. begged and pleaded to know what was wrong but just got rejected with a brusque "Im fine"
"It doesnt matter"
"Leave me alone"

etc

That would go on for a few days, then 'it' (the reason) would all explode out of him in a tirade of repressed bitterness (you ogled a bloke in a magazine etc blah blah) whatever. Inevitably it would be something imagined or incredibly trivial and self absorbed on his part.

But it worked for him. In that he got to punish me for the alleged 'crime' I was supposed to have perpetrated without me ever having a chance to:
1. know my crime
2. defend myself
3. point out that there is a bad pattern to his behaviour

Well, I wised up quick enough and started to ignore his sulks and tantrums. Worked like a dream actually, but we didn't stay together for other reasons.

Talk to her, point out the pattern, explain that it is totally unfair of her to go into a huff with you over something she has decided you did without allowing you to defend yourself. Tell her you are not putting up with it.

It is hard if you are an open and affectionate person to endure strops, sulks and silent treatment. But the worst thing you can do is play into their hands and let them manipulate you because you feel uncomfortable with silence.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, it's good to know others have gone through this.

Two posters (Wibbs & Oh The Humanity) suggested I ignore her when she's like that. Although I find it very difficult to shun people, I actually did this last night, I eventually gave up trying to talk about it and went to sleep.

Today she's saying that I don't give a sh.. because I went to sleep last night (!)

I think we have a bit of talking to do alright.

shellyboo

redunreg wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, it's good to know others have gone through this.

Two posters (Wibbs & Oh The Humanity) suggested I ignore her when she's like that. Although I find it very difficult to shun people, I actually did this last night, I eventually gave up trying to talk about it and went to sleep.

Today she's saying that I don't give a sh.. because I went to sleep last night (!)

I think we have a bit of talking to do alright.

Did you ask her if something was wrong last night? Did she say no? If you did, then point this out to her.

mikeyhardhouse

double true

NewFrockTuesday

Its just another form of bullying and trying to cuntrol. I used to get really upset when I was given the silent treatment. It would be over nothing - maybe staying out with colleagues for a drink. First off would be the "how many did you have" asked in a nonchalant manner and then the "Im only asking...whats your porblem...now how many did you have...are you lying...why are you lying to me...etc etc" It was horrible to the extent that I gave up going out altogeather as I knew what the story would be when I got home.

Its only when youre removed from the situation that you realise how fvcked up that is. Its just an extension of the control that they exert through constant wear and tear on your self esteem. Youre never thin/pretty/clever enough/, the house is never clean enough, you spend too much money, you drink too much, you smoke too much, you dont earn enough etc etc.....so you are not worth speaking to even though we are alone. Horrible horrible experience.


Id be off like a shot knowing now what I do. I wouldnt even bother with the talk.

Bottle_of_Smoke

She could be annoyed about other stuff and decides to be passive aggressive. My girlfriend was a bit like this but when I accused her of being passive aggressive and pointed out times she was doing it she stopped and started speaking up when something pissed her off

Splendour

redunreg wrote: »

Hi,

I've been with this amazing girl for five months now, we literally spend every moment we can together, and never get bored of each other.

Everything is great. Two or three times though, she has been angry or upset about something I said or did, but it takes very long for us to work through it.

Instead of telling me what the problem is, she goes almost completely silent with me (I mean when we're in the same place). No smiling, no touching, no conversation at all. I'll ask her if something is wrong and she always just gives a quick "no" and a little shrug. I've tried explaining that I know something is wrong and I want to talk about it, but it takes about half an hour of this game before she even admits she's angry. Then it's more of me pleading with her to tell me why, and eventually we can start talking about the problem.

She claims "I should know" what the problem is. One time I started listing out any and every incidental thing that might be upsetting her before finding what the problem is.

Any advice on this? Is this a normal way for her to show she's angry, or should I know straight away what's wrong?

I was married to a guy like this for 14 years and my advice would be to run...

In my situation it began with a few hours of 'silent treatment' but as the years progressed the silences when they happened could last for went weeks. And when I say silent I mean nothing at all! I could ask him a question and beg him to talk to me but it was like I was invisible.

If you really want to sort this you could suggest she gets counselling for this or you could just tell her she either ships up or ships out. Fear of loss can work wonders!!

Wibbs

Deepsense wrote: »

Its just another form of bullying and trying to cuntrol.

+10000

Youre never thin/pretty/clever enough/, the house is never clean enough, you spend too much money, you drink too much, you smoke too much, you dont earn enough etc etc.....so you are not worth speaking to even though we are alone. Horrible horrible experience.

Yes and mad too. I mean, if you're that bad why don't they just leave and get some non smoking, teetotaling, richer, thinner/prettier/cleverrererer/cleaner? Of course they won't and nearly always can't anyway as they have no choice and that's what drives the insecurity and as you say, it's all about control.


I would have to say IME and IMHO is that the low level picture no sound is workable, if it's nipped in the bud early on. If not then it's likely to get worse.

upmeath

I don't mean to be sexist, but I'm surprised that several previous female posters have had male partners/spouses who do the silent treatment, I genuinely thought it was a behaviour solely exhibited by women. I'm trying to imagine what sort of a lad goes down that road, it sounds pretty pathetic. I acknowledge that with girls there may be hormones and other things at play, but seriously, lads do this too? :eek:

Wibbs

Yep they do. Common enough too.

Zaph

upmeath wrote: »

I don't mean to be sexist, but I'm surprised that several previous female posters have had male partners/spouses who do the silent treatment, I genuinely thought it was a behaviour solely exhibited by women. I'm trying to imagine what sort of a lad goes down that road, it sounds pretty pathetic. I acknowledge that with girls there may be hormones and other things at play, but seriously, lads do this too? :eek:

Guys are just as capable of it. My sister's partner is the worst exponent of it I know, male or female. He's 20 years older than her and does it to play on her insecurities to make her feel that she's the cause of whatever problem they're having, whether she is or not. In his case I think it's because he's emotionally stunted due to issues in his childhood. Imo he's always suppressed his emotions and has difficulty expressing them, other than anger, and he finds it virtually impossible to relate to the rest of our family on anything more than a superficial basis. I suspect that most guys displaying this sort of behaviour have suffered from similar emotional issues in the past themselves.

LegacyUser

Let me just say at the risk of being lambasted by the female users here that taciturnity is the last refuge of pathetically weak women when they don't even have the backbone to talk through whats on their mind. It is a trait I truly despise. Don't fall for it otherwise she will know it gets the desired result and pull it out every time. My ex wife use to try this on me and wouldn't talk to me literally for months on end. Personally I would ditch her and find someone who knows how to express her anger and frustration properly and doesn't resort to this childish tactic.

anonymous_joe

Ah the silent treatment. Run. They'll never change.

It's a total relationship ruiner, unless the 'silent' person learns, it won't last.

useful_contacts

Splendour wrote: »

beg him to talk to me but it was like I was invisible.

Ok sorry but this sentence right there showed that he must not have loved you very much. If my fiance was begging me to talk to him (not that id ever give him the silent treatment) it would upset me hearing him plead.

And now im gonna go hug him cos even thinking about him pleading me to talk to him upsets me:(

Zaph

AlphaDog wrote: »

Let me just say at the risk of being lambasted by the female users here that taciturnity is the last refuge of pathetically weak women when they don't even have the backbone to talk through whats on their mind. It is a trait I truly despise. Don't fall for it otherwise she will know it gets the desired result and pull it out every time. My ex wife use to try this on me and wouldn't talk to me literally for months on end. Personally I would ditch her and find someone who knows how to express her anger and frustration properly and doesn't resort to this childish tactic.

You obviously didn't read the posts that said that men do this too. Are they similarly "pathetically weak"?

the_syco

OP: buy a Magic 8-Ball and when she gives you the silent treatment, use it (in front of her) to get an answer. She may cop on that you don't know what's wrong.

Or she may think that the Magic 8 Ball is great, as it helps resolve the problem :eek:

upmeath

the_syco wrote: »

OP: buy a Magic 8-Ball and when she gives you the silent treatment, use it (in front of her) to get an answer. She may cop on that you don't know what's wrong.

Or she may think that the Magic 8 Ball is great, as it helps resolve the problem :eek:

It is decidedly so :rolleyes:
That's a great idea, I used to have the magic 8-ball responses saved as message templates in my phone so when someone asked me a question and I was in the mood for a bit of banter I used respond with the more ambiguous 8-ball responses.
Could serve as a great way of frustrating someone who's giving you the silent treatment - it looks to them as though you're having a bit of craic while they're sulking and wallowing in self-pity.

Nevyn

AlphaDog wrote: »

Let me just say at the risk of being lambasted by the female users here that taciturnity is the last refuge of pathetically weak women when they don't even have the backbone to talk through whats on their mind. It is a trait I truly despise. Don't fall for it otherwise she will know it gets the desired result and pull it out every time. My ex wife use to try this on me and wouldn't talk to me literally for months on end. Personally I would ditch her and find someone who knows how to express her anger and frustration properly and doesn't resort to this childish tactic.

Men do it was well, they can't deal with the complexity of the emotions evoked
due to their issues or where they come from so they default to anger and it's
"how dare you do that thing which makes me feel unhappy/uncomfortable/insecure,
you should know better, you know what you did."

NewFrockTuesday

Guys are just as capable of it. My sister's partner is the worst exponent of it I know, male or female. He's 20 years older than her and does it to play on her insecurities to make her feel that she's the cause of whatever problem they're having, whether she is or not. In his case I think it's because he's emotionally stunted due to issues in his childhood. Imo he's always suppressed his emotions and has difficulty expressing them, other than anger, and he finds it virtually impossible to relate to the rest of our family on anything more than a superficial basis. I suspect that most guys displaying this sort of behaviour have suffered from similar emotional issues in the past themselves.

Oh Snayy - up. Those "issues" are then brough up to make you feel bad. Again just another form of manipulation.

Wibbs

Zaph wrote: »

You obviously didn't read the posts that said that men do this too. Are they similarly "pathetically weak"?

Actually Zaph I would say they are. If this need for control and exercise of said control through emotional blackmail and pressure is their consistent way of dealing with their partner(male or female).

Now one can try to explain it in a man or woman as issues in the past or whatever, but I would agree with deepsense on this one. Yes it's an explanation, but all to often used as just another excuse or as further leverage.

They only time I believe it as any sort of excuse is if they're getting help for it and are trying to change it. In which case fair play, they would get my support.

If not? Well there was a time I would have more sympathy, but that rarely got me anywhere with someone who was consistently like this. Now, I figure, to quote Thaedydal, life is too short to drink bad wine. Let someone else deal with or try to cure them, I would just scrape them off and not look back. Plus half the time IME I was unwittingly helping them to act like that. Even if it was by just taking it.

As I say, everyone has bad days, so if this happened the odd time, grand. Move on, but if it's consistent, then take a second look at the relationship. Because that's how they deal with problems, so that's how they'll continue to deal with them.

Zaph

Zaph wrote: »

Guys are just as capable of it. My sister's partner is the worst exponent of it I know, male or female. He's 20 years older than her and does it to play on her insecurities to make her feel that she's the cause of whatever problem they're having, whether she is or not. In his case I think it's because he's emotionally stunted due to issues in his childhood. Imo he's always suppressed his emotions and has difficulty expressing them, other than anger, and he finds it virtually impossible to relate to the rest of our family on anything more than a superficial basis. I suspect that most guys displaying this sort of behaviour have suffered from similar emotional issues in the past themselves.

Aye, sounds very familiar here too, coupled with the bullying and the constant preying on insecurities or whathaveyou.
Really op you just have to not play along or give her the attention or whatever, it's no way for someone to act like that

Zaph

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually Zaph I would say they are. If this need for control and exercise of said control through emotional blackmail and pressure is their consistent way of dealing with their partner(male or female).

I don't disagree, in fact pathetically weak is a perfect description of my sister's partner (I don't have a lot of time for him, in case you hadn't guessed). I was just commenting on how the poster specifically attacked women as being like this with no regard to the fact that men can be just as bad.

LegacyUser

upmeath wrote: »

I don't mean to be sexist, but I'm surprised that several previous female posters have had male partners/spouses who do the silent treatment, I genuinely thought it was a behaviour solely exhibited by women. I'm trying to imagine what sort of a lad goes down that road, it sounds pretty pathetic. I acknowledge that with girls there may be hormones and other things at play, but seriously, lads do this too? :eek:

Yes i'm a fellow and i do this. I do it because i am very unassertive.

Oh The Humanity

redunreg wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, it's good to know others have gone through this.

Two posters (Wibbs & Oh The Humanity) suggested I ignore her when she's like that. Although I find it very difficult to shun people, I actually did this last night, I eventually gave up trying to talk about it and went to sleep.

Today she's saying that I don't give a sh.. because I went to sleep last night (!)

I think we have a bit of talking to do alright.

Ha, so you see?

She just wants you pleading and begging (giving attention) to know whats wrong while she pouts silently.

Its bull. If she has a problem all she has to do is open her mouth and talk about it.

Its actually very needy behaviour, instead of a simple "whats wrong" she is expecting hours of begging, pleading and angst from you or else you will be accused of "not caring" -so no matter what you do you cant win.

Just explain to her that this behaviour will not fly any more, you are not going to tolerate being punished for unknown crimes. Either she spits it out or you are going to get out of her company until she can behave like a grown up.

username123

OP - run a mile.

My father used to do this to my mother - but somehow in some weird messed up way, he would silent treatment EVERYONE in the house, so Id have had a grand laugh with him earlier in the day, then go out and play skipping with a kid on the road, come in for dinner and find that we were all being subjected to the 'silent treatment'.

Not only would he refuse to speak to anyone, he would go to the extension, which was always bloody freezing, and no tv etc...and just sit there in the cold 'wussing'. My mam would act like all normal, and tell him his dinner was ready, he would sit at the table generating a heavy atmosphere of tension - as a result of this I am a master 'atmosphere tester' and can sense an atmosphere of tension at 100 paces

If anyone spoke in his presence during the silent treatment they would be glared at and he did that horrible thing of glaring too long, so youd have looked away and hoped the ground would swallow you and 30 seconds later youd glance back to make sure he had looked away and he'd STILL be glaring at you.

When asked what was wrong by my mother he would answer 'you KNOW what is wrong'. I was totally confused by it all as a small child and would ask my mother why my dad wouldnt talk to me and what had I done wrong. This had the added benefit (in his view of the weird silent treatment) of making her upset over whatever was going on with him AND making her more upset that the kids were also upset and going to her about it.

Its a pretty sick personality trait. I cant abide it.

I might also add that my father WAS a bully. I agree with other posters who say its a bullying tactic.
He wanted hours of begging and pleading from my mother - he was needy in that way and liked to be centre of attention and king of the castle in his house.

I might also add that he would also 'silent treatment' other people that he was less emotionally involved with and as a result there were literally dozens of people that he never spoke to again after an initial row because he did the silent treatment and they wouldnt do the begging and pleading.

Sometimes if it played out that the person wouldnt beg and plead but for some reason he actually wanted to be in contact with them he would do the 'pretend there is nothing wrong' and next time he bumped into them he would just act like he had never given them the silent treatment. The whole thing was very emotionally stunted and horrible.

So beware OP - this is where the silent treatment can end up!!!