God, the Recession, and First Time Buyers

irishbegrudger

(taken from www.rantmaonbitchcrazywtflolcats.ie)

It has been brought to my attention by a semi-apologetic mugger that some manner of recession is unfolding? Lounging in the solid gold penthouse of Begrudger Towers, stroking my solid gold cat (the autopsy results aren’t back yet, but the goldening process is almost certainly what killed Tabby), I sometimes lose touch with the plight of the working putz. Yet it doesn’t surprise me that God has once again flushed us down the toilet of despair. He likes us miserable. Happiness is an affront to Him. Sceptical? A few random biblical extracts…

• John 8:5 – ‘And lo, Thomas spent seven years crafting the finest vase in all of Israel. All the colours of heaven adorned its surface, in patterns of such beauty as had never been seen. When Thomas returned to Nazareth, he showed the vase to the apostles, and they were pleased. Jesus, seeing Thomas’s delight, blessed him, and smashed the vase over his head.’

• Luke 4:16 – ‘Simon’s piety had no equal, and his devotion to God was endless. His only pleasure was dance. A finer dancer, there was not, and he danced from dusk until dawn, day upon day, entertaining the masses and cheering the sick. Then one Sabbath God, in his wisdom, made twins of Simon’s feet, such that no right foot had he, and of left he had two. “A test,” cried Simon, “a test! God is testing me. I shall not fail thee lord.” And Simon continued to dance. Then God broke both Simon’s legs, and Simon realised that it had not been a test, but that God had wanted him to dance no more.’

• Mathew 6:11 – ‘And yea, God did smite the blissful Joyalites from the earth. “Why do you smite us lord?” cried the Joyalites. “What have we done? How have we displeased thee?” God ceased his smiting, and He did speak unto the Joyalites with great gentleness. “You have displeased me in but one way, my children. Too blissful are thee. Thine toothy grins doth mine stomach turn.” And with that, God resumed smiting until the Joyalites were vanquished from the earth.’

If God had truly wanted us happy, The Bible would have been much, much funnier; or perhaps more realistic, like The DaVinci Code? Instead, we got a schizophrenic cross between The Lord of the Rings (old testament) and a chick flick (new testament).

But we can’t lay all the blame at Heaven’s Gate. I’ve spent the last eighteen minutes researching this financial Armageddon, and I’m ready to point the finger of blame squarely at you, the consumer. Congratulations on sucking dry the poor naive property developers. All they wanted was a few quid, to keep their maids and butlers in the lifestyles they’d grown accustomed to. But that wasn’t enough for you slick First Time Buyers, was it? You had to fling larger and larger wads of negative equity at these gentle land developers, corrupting their souls with your accumulated average industrial wages.

Well I hope it was worth it. These martyrs are being kicked from pillar to post in the media, and their future business concerns may be marginally less lucrative. Some may never taste panda stew again, or make omelettes from the eggs of an albatross; their wives may never know the tender caress of genuine, silver-back gorilla fur. I hope you’re happy.

I only pray the noble bank executives will not be similarly victimised. These men (and women, in some cases) jeopardised their gargantuan bonuses to fiddle the books and camouflage the evaporating economy. And when the house of cards tumbled, like valiant knights of yore, they had the courage to stand up and say “you know what? We’re still taking the bonuses.” The word ‘hero’ is bandied around these days, cheaply in my opinion, but these bank executives have heroism seeping from every known orifice (and a few uncharted fissures too).

It’s tempting to dwell endlessly on the blame game. How satisfying would it be to see the First Time Buyers held to account for the horrors they’ve perpetrated on the doe-eyed property developers, and the bambi-cheeked bank executives? A few public floggings would be cathartic. But it won’t help us out of this mess. Only tough decisions by our elected officials — who incidentally haven’t put a foot wrong thus far — will drag us from this mire. To that end, some suggestions:

• Transport: the LUAS has been a disaster, floundering badly at busy junctures like the Mad Cow roundabout. But a ‘Hover LUAS’ wouldn’t have such problems. I suggest that we put all our eggs in one basket, on the assumption that ‘hover’ technology could be developed for a couple of billion euro. Get those babies into the skies and our congestion problems will disappear over night.

• Health: every time I visit Irish hospitals, all I notice are janitorial staff idling about, mopping stretches of floor that barely look dirty. You can’t tell me that these people couldn’t be trained to perform minor surgeries. I’m not talking life-critical operations, but what’s wrong with a mop jockey having a crack at an ingrown toenail, for example?

• Policing: we lavish our police forces with expensively manufactured truncheons. Why? Does nobody see the absurdity in spending money on blunt objects? Just let them bring a blunt object of their own choosing to work each day: a poker, a kettle, a cavity block, the leg from a table — whatever, so long as it’s nice and blunt.

• Education: in the present financial meltdown, can we really afford The Three R’s? Couldn’t we put, for example, ‘reading’ on hiatus? By all means, teach children the remaining Two R’s, and a few years down down the line when the economy has righted itself, if the kids (or adults, as they’ll probably then be) aren't in jail, they're welcome to come back and learn to read.

Chew over these suggestions, and if you somehow comprehend the nuances, raise them with your local TD.

Rabies

Go sell crazy somewhere else.

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