Is this trashy?

LegacyUser

Been single since I broke up with my boyfriend about 6 months ago. i was with him for 2 years so have been having fun, going out, scoring guys and have had a good few one night stands/flings. I went out last Friday night and ended up scoring this hot spanish guy, went back to his house and had sex with him. All protected etc, no worries there. Didn't get his number as I wasn't interested in meeting up again really. Saturday night, I headed out with a big group of mates and ended up scoring a guy in the group I've liked for a while. One thing led to another and he came back to mine, and we ended up having sex. It was really good, he's great in bed and we were both hoping it would go somewhere. Problem is, he found out off another mate that I'd slept with the Spanish guy the night before, and he thinks that's disgusting and doesn't want to be with me. I'm quite hurt to be honest, I don't see how its such a big deal. I wasnt going out with him at the time?! is it that trashy?

Craft25

Well if he's in your group and you liked him a while, maybe he also liked you for a while, were you guys flirting for a while? - maybe he had it in his head that you'se were doing the dance leading up to it - while you just thought 'i'll get some & if i happen to get the guy i like, well and good!'

He has a right to want or not want whatever type of girl he wants, but he doesnt have a right to call you thrashy really.

cantdecide

There were MANY ways of handling the situation without being "trashy" but if I were him, I'd be a dot...

damonjewel

I wouldn't think it was that trashy. Maybe this guy was put off with your promiscuity (I wouldn't, your free, you can do what you like!) or possibly he had deeper issues with you having previous partners. lets say he never knew about the spanish guy and life went on as you and him as partners, would he then start questioning your previous relationships?

G86

The timing wasn't great - but its not trashy - no one has any right to judge you like that.

Its understandable when you've just come out of a long term thing. The guy's being a bit of a prat in my opinion.

uberwolf

G86 wrote: »

The guy's being a bit of a prat in my opinion.

The guy (as does every one) has every right to use any basis he wishes to assess his partners. He was probably attracted to the girl, discovered he was sloppy seconds and decided he didn't need that. Fair enough.

Does the OP need to feel bad about it? meh. She asks is it that trashy? IMO, it's trashy enough to turn me off. But to each their own.

fmhickey

These things happen. I dont think its trashy at all. Would he think it was trashy if it was one of his male friends who did it. Fair enough there are some feelings there but nothing had happened between you guys before that night, so he has no right to cal you trashy.

star-pants

Are you trashy? No.

As someone else said, this guy is in your group of friends and he might have liked you. You said you liked him for a while. But the fact that you'd slept with someone the night before possibly made this guy think 'hang on maybe she just was looking for someone to shag'.
I'll be honest, I was going on a date with a guy, and a friend told me he'd slept with his fckbuddy the night before, so he was essentially coming form her house to a date with me. I showed up but was just polite & left after dinner. I had no interest.

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with other people (you're being clever and protected) but not everyone will view it the same way.

LegacyUser

I dont think she ever said he called her trashy, he just found the situation of the OP sleeping with some guy the night before him disgusting. He has a right to think what he wants about that, Id think the same. Before anyone starts id also think the same of any of my male friends doing something like that but then again im not a one night stand kind of person. OP your single and free to do and see who you please but just note that some guys you get with wont be happy knowing you have had many previous partners just like some wouldnt give it two seconds thought. Whats deemed trashy by one person is another mans ideal...thats life.

C.D.

OP, you're free to live your life as you see fit and provided nobody gets hurt it is all good.

Personally, I'd consider myself sexually adventurous but I'm definately not promiscuous- I feel sex is something to be shared between two people who know each other intimately and as such I'd expect the same from a prospective partner (I'm 22, male and outgoing to put it in perspective). Some of my best friends are into one night stand (both male and female) but it is not for me and I would have to think long and hard before getting involved with a girl who had such a different view on such matters.

Perhaps he has similar views as myselt- it is after all only natural to want somebody with a similar outlook to your own on such matters. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible, so it is probably for the best!

Wagon

I'm open minded but it would put me right off. No offense. Having two different blokes within two nights is fairly slutty but what the hell do i know?:)

It's his opinion and unfortunately, the only person who can change that is him.

Salome

Wagon wrote: »

I'm open minded but it would put me right off. No offense. Having two different blokes within two nights is fairly slutty but what the hell do i know?:)

It's his opinion and unfortunately, the only person who can change that is him.

That's a very judgemental belief to have, IMO - however, you are entitled to your opinion.

Had the OP been a bloke, I wonder if your opinion would be different - slap on the back perhaps?

OP, whatever you do or don't do is no one elses business except yours. You are entitled to do what you want, you are being sensible, protecting yourself etc.

If this bloke doesn't want to know, then perhaps you've dodged a bullet. There's nothing worse than a sanctimonious holier-than-thou partner.

LegacyUser

Ok personally i don't think i would be able to sleep around to that extent. Admittedly i would love to, i just couldn't there is some mental block there (probably singed in my brain from childhood).

anyway my point is given my views on the matter i still don't think that gives me the right to subject you to condemnation for it...its your choice!!He's obviously a VERY small minded person that thinks that just because he doesnt think its right no one should do it.

Anyway if you think of the bigger picture, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone that small minded!?!

And as someone pointed out in an earlier post it probably would be perfectly fine if one of his male friend had done that, which makes him a sexist too..

He's definitely not quality relationship material....

starchild

it not trashy, its your life and your living it unlike so many. As long as no is being hurt its no harm

all thats wrong here is the knowledge ie that he knows you were with another fella the night before, try and get him to see that its just fun and that when your with someone your with them only

zedhead

How can he think its trashy, it wasnt trashy to him that you went home and slept with him on the first night, but trashy when it was someone else?
You didnt do anything wrong, you were single and had no idea that this was going to happen the following night, so if i were you i wouldnt worry about it!

You can try talk to him, but if he feels this strongly about this, it is unlikely you will change his mind

uberwolf

Salome wrote: »

Had the OP been a bloke, I wonder if your opinion would be different - slap on the back perhaps?
There's nothing worse than a sanctimonious holier-than-thou partner.

Not every bloke is the same! I'd mates who were up to this kind of thing. Man whores. Gender isn't the defining issue here for me.

Wibbs

OK I look at this from the practical standpoint. We can blame society, biology, the moon, snake headed aliens, whatever, but the double standard exists and it's far harsher on women's sexual expression. It could simply be insecurity, or they feel she may get bored and screw around on him when together(strange but there you go), or simple biology in that a man doesn't want to take the risk of raising another mans child, so selects for a woman that is less likely to have that risk about her.

Now you can get lucky and find guys where this would not be any issue at all, but IME they're actually quite rare, especially among younger guys. Oh you'll get plenty who will say it's OK in the abstract, but the reality shifts when they have to live it. I've seen this time and time and time again.

Personally? Hard to say how I would take it. I'd like to think I would be cool with it, but I could be as equally dubious. I know it makes little sense that I would be fine if the woman had slept with 100's up to a month previously, but her sleeping with a guy the night before I do, would get me twitchy, but there it is. The "sloppy seconds" thing(commonly enough used as a description by men BTW). And I wouldn't be a guy too worried and could get serious with someone if we slept together the first night. As I say who knows.

So you can rail against this inequity, or hope you bump into a guy where it's not an issue, but as I say you could be waiting a while. There is another way and that's to be discrete about it. How did his mate find out about the spanish bloke for a start? More to the point how did he find out you slept together? This would also add to his "disgust" as he knows his mates know about it all. He'll be thinking that they're laughing at him or whatever. Another point against you in his mind.

Have as much fun and one night stands, flingettes as you like and are comfortable with, but IMHO be more careful in future with who you tell basically, or indeed tell no one(it's not their biz anyway), as both men and women can often make hay with this kinda thing as you've found out.

TBH I think you've lost this guy. Could be wrong and he may change his mind and hopefully he does, but in future just be careful.

Salome

uberwolf wrote: »

Not every bloke is the same! I'd mates who were up to this kind of thing. Man whores. Gender isn't the defining issue here for me.

I know that all blokes are not the same - it's HIS attitude towards the OP that offends me though. It was OK for him to sleep with her on the same night they hook-up - double standards in my eyes.

Board Walker

Craft25 wrote: »

Well if he's in your group and you liked him a while, maybe he also liked you for a while, were you guys flirting for a while? - maybe he had it in his head that you'se were doing the dance leading up to it - while you just thought 'i'll get some & if i happen to get the guy i like, well and good!'

He has a right to want or not want whatever type of girl he wants, but he doesnt have a right to call you thrashy really.

i couldn't agree more

Wibbs

Well they knew each other before. Lets swap the genders. Guy knows gal through mutual mates. Fancies gal but nothing has happened yet for whatever reason. Guy has had a few flings after a long relationship. All cool. Guy has sex with spanish gal on Friday. The group finds out about it somehow. Guy meets his original gal has sex on Saturday night. Gal finds out from one of her mates that he had sex with a random woman the previous 24 hours. Are you honestly telling me she wouldnt raise eyebrows and likely write off that guy? Chances are mighty high she would, especially if the chances are high all their mutual mates knew. And that's without the double standard in play.

Board Walker

any girl i was ever with before and prob any girl i know, if i slept with them and they found out i slept with someone else the night before they wouldnt come near me again. FACT but thats just me

Salome

Chances are that the girls wouldn't talk about it in the same way the lads would!

But yes, you're on the money as usual Wibbs - mea culpa....

LegacyUser

This conversation came up one night with my ex about if you had ever had sex with two different people in 24 hours. He said he had and i told him i had too and he was cool until i started to laugh and said **** i just realised that was with you! He wasnt to happy then. We were the exact same situation as the OP. We went out for ages after that and it was never an issue but it was funny hee hee

small

So long as you're safe about it you're entitled to live your life as you like. It's a pity this guy is letting something like this get in the way of you guys.... by the sounds of it you did quite like each other. He's either immature or just not that into you and using this as an excuse. If I were you I'd continue to make fun and be merry.... you gotta do stuff like that when you're out of a long term relationship.... just don't get knocked up by a Spanish sailer like Sharon Burgess.....

upmeath

I'd have to agree with previous posters, the guy has the right to assess you by whatever means he sees fit, and to be honest if you liked him that much you wouldn't have gone home and done the dance the first night you scored him, and should have been more cautious about telling tales from the night before. I'd run a mile if I were him.

Jackeenboy

No harm. Were animals after all ! Should really be jumping on every male or (female in my case;)) u see as that is what nature intended.

Home4Life

that guy is a hypocryte and an idiot.

PK2008

There is a phrase which sums up this exact situation

"Stirring another mans porridge"*

Think about that phrase for a while and it will become very apparant why he doesnt not want to see you again




*(I didnt say it was a nice phrase)

Stheno

Wibbs wrote: »

Have as much fun and one night stands, flingettes as you like and are comfortable with, but IMHO be more careful in future with who you tell basically, or indeed tell no one(it's not their biz anyway), as both men and women can often make hay with this kinda thing as you've found out.

I think this is the core issue here, it's the fact the guy found out from one of your friends, that's kinda casual of you imo.

He might well have built it up to mean this is normal weekend behaviour for you even.

Personally as a woman, I'd not be that happy in his situation.

Wagon

Salome wrote: »

That's a very judgemental belief to have, IMO - however, you are entitled to your opinion.

Yep.

Had the OP been a bloke, I wonder if your opinion would be different - slap on the back perhaps?

Actually, it wouldn't I don't do the double standards thing on this one. Never have. I'd find it very hard to trust someone who jumps into bed so readily. No offense meant to the OP there but like you said it's just my opinion and there's no right or wrong one. Everyone's got different ones. I don't look down on anyone for having a different outlook to me though.

If this bloke doesn't want to know, then perhaps you've dodged a bullet. There's nothing worse than a sanctimonious holier-than-thou partner.

It's not being holier than thou. Like you said, it's just a different opinion. It doesn't make him bad person and nor does it make the OP a bad person.

It just means there different people.

Wibbs

small wrote: »

So long as you're safe about it you're entitled to live your life as you like.

True, but all our lives are lived in context with our peers and society at large. Live, like that won't impact your life and I say good luck and my best wishes to you, but don't be shocked if all too often it bites back. Theory is great, but reality often makes a fool of it. I may jump from a cliff and on the way down complain that I can't fly, but often it's better to not step off in the first place or wear a parachute. The practical reality is everything, even if it písses us off. Safe sex isn't just about wearing a johnny.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

And as someone pointed out in an earlier post it probably would be perfectly fine if one of his male friend had done that, which makes him a sexist too..

A poster on this thread pointing out that the guy in question might have been 'perfectly with it', if the OP was one of the guy's male friends, does not make the guy a sexist.

We can't say he's sexist unless we know that he's applying a double standard himself.
Maybe he holds both guys and girls to the same standard, like other posters here, and is in fact not a sexist at all. It's unfair to brand someone a sexist just because they might be sexually reserved, or apply reserved standards of sexual behaviour.

The only people being sexist are those here who say that just because he was a guy, he would automatically have double standards.

Unregistered wrote: »

He's definitely not quality relationship material....

OP:
On the strength of what you've told us so far, please don't assume he's sexist, or that he's necessarily poor quality relationship material. He apparently does not share views compatible with yours - while that might mean you do not have a future relationship together, it's also important to realise that doesn't make either him, or you, bad.


It might be, as others have said, that the guy is just sexually conservative, when it comes to frequency of partners, or similar issues.


That's ok - it mightn't be how you, or other posters, view things, but we have to acknowledge there's a range of viewpoints on frequent, or how casual, sex should be.
Irish society has both very 'liberated' people, and also very 'conservative' people, when it comes to these issues.

In a more catholic time, not too long ago, people were a lot more sexually conservative than now. They wouldn't even associate with someone that was socially known to have sex outside marriage. That time has passed, in most of the country, but it's from this position of sexual conservativeness that Irish society is moving, and as a result, you have to accept you may encounter a range of different views on what is acceptable behaviour.


Personally, I think as long as you are happy with what you are doing, and have no issues (and are safe - both for your sake, and that of your future partners) then there's no issue with it. In my opinion, you definitely shouldn't worry that you are somehow doing something 'bad' - as long as you are happy and comfortable with it yourself. Regardless of what other people - including the guy - or posters, might think.

At the same time, you should expect to meet those with different views on this than you.


I guess what it boils down to, is that you were asking if your behaviour was bad, or socially unacceptable in some way - my best answer would be, no, not intrinsically, and so you have nothing to feel bad about - but you must understand that there's a wide range of opinions on this issue which you might run into. There's no one standard for what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour - do what you are happy, and comfortable with doing, and realise you will meet people who have different views.

Craft25

Don't want to go too off topic, but following on from the above post i think this is relevant.

There has been a big shift in attitude in recent years to say that a woman who gets alot of sex is not a slut, lads have been doing it for eons and getting pats on the back. This is only right and hear-hear i say. If a woman chooses this then good on ya, you go girl!

But the opposite must be true aswell. ie. if a man chooses a more chaste life or simply to be very choosy then he has every right to this choice.

For as much as society has wrongly looked down on women who sleep around, it has equally looked down on guys who don't - as if there must be something wrong with them. This attitude needs to change as much as the calling girls sluts attitude.

That is why i originally posted wondering if you had an ongoing flirt thing, 'cos if you did i could see why he would be hurt.. but if, like others said he thought it was ok for him to shag you the first night, but not ok for you to have the one nighter with the spanish guy - in this latter case i would say he has double standards.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Would put me off. 2 guys in two nights implies you're easy, I'm sure you're not but thats what the statistic shouts. *UNCONSCIOUSLY* it says to the guy you were with hundreds in the last year. Only guys into swinging will be ok with that.

Also, your mates and therefore his all know this, no guy wants people to be talking about his girlfriend that way.

And will the anti-sexism brigade get lost. If a girl had sex with a guy and then found out he'd been with someone else the night before she'd be well pissed off too.

Liam Byrne

Salome wrote: »

Had the OP been a bloke, I wonder if your opinion would be different - slap on the back perhaps?

Now THAT'S sexist - and insulting!

I wouldn't fancy being with someone who'd been with someone else the night before (and if they stayed the night it implies THAT MORNING), and I wouldn't expect any girl to be with me if I had done likewise.

That said, I'm not one who views multiple partners in the same weekend as a particularly good move......multiple per year or season (or maybe even month) fair enough, but multiple per weekend is far too promiscuous for my liking, and we're almost talking multiple per day in this case.....AM & PM.

Not saying there's anything "wrong" - each to their own, and some people have no problem being with people who do drugs (or steal or read "celeb" magazines or watch horror movies or listen to Westlife or whatever)

Each to their own, but don't expect everyone to think that it's OK......

LegacyUser

I don't think it's sexist to think it's icky. Maybe it was just a little too close for comfort. I wouldn't have sex with someone who had sex with someone else the night before or that morning. I just wouldn't like it.

In the past, any time I'd have one of those ongoing flirting situations going on where it was just a matter of time before it went further, ie, turned into a relationship then I would never have gone near anyone else and I would probably have been hurt if I heard that the other person had slept with someone else the night before we did go further. That's just me.

Maybe this guy was the same. Maybe he's embarrassed because everyone knows, maybe he's getting some stick about it. Maybe he thinks of the whole sloppy seconds thing. Or maybe he is just using double standards. But we can't tell that by this post so it's a little unfair to be jumping on the sexist/double standard bandwagon.

couerdelion

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Now THAT'S sexist - and insulting!

I wouldn't fancy being with someone who'd been with someone else the night before (and if they stayed the night it implies THAT MORNING), and I wouldn't expect any girl to be with me if I had done likewise.

That said, I'm not one who views multiple partners in the same weekend as a particularly good move......multiple per year or season (or maybe even month) fair enough, but multiple per weekend is far too promiscuous for my liking, and we're almost talking multiple per day in this case.....AM & PM.

Not saying there's anything "wrong" - each to their own, and some people have no problem being with people who do drugs (or steal or read "celeb" magazines or watch horror movies or listen to Westlife or whatever)

Each to their own, but don't expect everyone to think that it's OK......

That just comes across as an elitist attitude as though you are saying your views have more merit because you do not indulge in certain other behaviours.



As for the OP...

I would not have a problem with your behaviour. It shows a healthy enjoyment of sex and you took precautions too. We humans aren't like other animals, we are built to enjoy sexual intercourse so why save it for special occasions?

Men in general do not like their partners to have had sex before. They get jealous thinking about their GF with other people prior to them. I'm not criticising it's a natural reaction and one which can eat away at them and destroy a relationship. If this 'prospective' BF had a problem with this then you are probably best moving on and finding someone who appreciates you for who you are.

I mean this in the least offensive way, but I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole OP.

If you want my advice, go get an STI test. There's plenty you can get even wearing a condom. Close the legs for a while maybe and decide if you want either the one night stands or a long term thing because the two of them aren't really compatible unless you meet some amazingly open minded bloke who wont mind that you've been with a plethora of guys in the weeks running up to the relationship.

Blue_Wolf

Well ya it is alrite. Majority of blokes wouldn't like that. Guys are afraid of catching something as are women. Plenty of fish in the sea.

trashyornot wrote: »

Been single since I broke up with my boyfriend about 6 months ago. i was with him for 2 years so have been having fun, going out, scoring guys and have had a good few one night stands/flings. I went out last Friday night and ended up scoring this hot spanish guy, went back to his house and had sex with him. All protected etc, no worries there. Didn't get his number as I wasn't interested in meeting up again really. Saturday night, I headed out with a big group of mates and ended up scoring a guy in the group I've liked for a while. One thing led to another and he came back to mine, and we ended up having sex. It was really good, he's great in bed and we were both hoping it would go somewhere. Problem is, he found out off another mate that I'd slept with the Spanish guy the night before, and he thinks that's disgusting and doesn't want to be with me. I'm quite hurt to be honest, I don't see how its such a big deal. I wasnt going out with him at the time?! is it that trashy?

Wagon

couerdelion wrote: »

That just comes across as an elitist attitude as though you are saying your views have more merit because you do not indulge in certain other behaviours.

I'll try and clear up a very quick misunderstanding. He was merely giving examples and wasn't getting on his high horse.

It doesn't matter if you sleep around or not. It doesn't matter how you live your sex life once you're happy with it but double standards works both ways. Those looking down on you being a promiscous person (which i will put my hand up and admit I've been guilty of more than once before) are indeed being judgemental. Simple fact of it.

But, if it's a case where someone doesn't judge your character on it, then it's not being judgemental or ignorant. In fact it's quite the opposite. Nobody called the OP a bicth. Nobody thinks she's a bad person. Nobody has judged her. Being elitist works both ways. Many who posted saying that they would sleep around or wouldn't have a problem have been attacking those that wouldn't. Bit ironic eh?

The bottom line of it is that this chap obviously has a very different outlook on sex to the OP. This is where the problem arises. I want to say this again to the mena and women who have been throwing the "double standard" and "sexism" terms: It doesn't make him a bad person for having a different outlook to her. now you can call him ignorant and pull crappy clichés like It's 2009 and Women have every right to explore their sexual side but nobody's stopping them from doing that. It's merely not agreeing with it. What's the problem with that?

Blue_Wolf

Wibbs wrote: »

Safe sex isn't just about wearing a johnny.

You have to wear a crash helmet aswell!

bubblewrap

G86 wrote: »

The timing wasn't great - but its not trashy - no one has any right to judge you like that.

Its understandable when you've just come out of a long term thing. The guy's being a bit of a prat in my opinion.

I don't think he is, he probably thinks he would be another notch, it isn't his fault, it is no ones fault, just bad timing but I can see why he wouldn't like it. I wouldn't either to be honest.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

now you can call him ignorant and pull crappy clichés like It's 2009 and Women have every right to explore their sexual side but nobody's stopping them from doing that. It's merely not agreeing with it. What's the problem with that?

+1 if one accepts one lifestyle and attitude as OK, then one must also accept that others would find it not OK. To not do so, is just as closed minded as the people who don't agree with you.

As I said in this case the majority of men and women in the OP's bloke situation would at best be twitchy about this, or at worst write her off. Men and women. Throw in the double standard and all bets are off.

As I say you can rail against the inequity of it all, or look at it from a practical point of view and work accordingly. Makes for an easier life.

Blue_Wolf

Salome wrote: »

Had the OP been a bloke, I wonder if your opinion would be different - slap on the back perhaps?

If a woman walks out of her house and says "I'm going to get laid tonight" I will put my money on it that she will. Will she have to flirt and work hard to impress a lad to get into the sack with her? NO!

A lad walks out of his house and says "I'm going to get laid tonight". Even if he was a very skillful flirter there is a chance that he will not pull. Lads have to put alot of effort into attracting a bird especially if you are lacking in the looks section.
Old mate of mine, was dog ugly, but man did he have a way with women. He was able to walk up to a group of 5 women and have them laughing in seconds. 2minutes later he would have the rest of us lads sitting at the table with them.

My point is that if he got laid 2 nights in a row, ya would be a slap on the back and fair play to you.

A woman does that, she is seen as trashy. Why? she doesn't have to put any effort into it.

Its easy as. Mary walks up to a lad in a nightclub and says hey i think your sexy and would love to bring you home. Most blokes would go alrite ya

John walks up says I think your sexy and would love to bring you home. He either gets dirty look and the back of her or a slap across the face.

Simple.

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

Gal finds out from one of her mates that he had sex with a random woman the previous 24 hours. Are you honestly telling me she wouldnt raise eyebrows and likely write off that guy? Chances are mighty high she would, especially if the chances are high all their mutual mates knew. And that's without the double standard in play.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

And will the anti-sexism brigade get lost. If a girl had sex with a guy and then found out he'd been with someone else the night before she'd be well pissed off too.

Wouldn't bother me at all, tbh.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Would put me off. 2 guys in two nights implies you're easy, I'm sure you're not but thats what the statistic shouts. *UNCONSCIOUSLY* it says to the guy you were with hundreds in the last year. Only guys into swinging will be ok with that.

What? Only guys into swinging are ok with their gfs being promiscuous? That makes zero sense.

Just because a girl is promiscuous does not make her incapable of being faithful or mongamous. It doesn't mean she wants to have sex with more than one person at a time... so what does swinging have to do with it?



This thread makes me sad. OP, why would you want to be with such a judgemental @rsehole anyway? If he has a problem with one-night stands or sleeping with someone on the first date then he shouldn't have even slept with you, by his own standards.

Furthermore, what you do with men is your own business. Tell your friends they need a lesson in discretion. Enjoy having lots and lots of safe sex, and tell the begrudgers to piss off. You will find a bloke secure enough not to care about how many men you've been with who's happy to enjoy the benefit of your experience.

LegacyUser

I am a female and the same thing happened to me...had planned a date with a guy from work...things went very well *coughcough* and we ended up doing the dirty deed.I found out while I was lying there that he had slept with another collegues friend the night before.To say I was upset was an understatement.Im not a prude and would be very open sexually myself.

I still to this day dont know why it bothered me so much...maybe I just didnt need to know!!?I called things off after that..just couldnt really see him in the same light.I know its not the same circumstances but all I can put my reaction down to was jealousy!

Maybe he likes you just as much and the thoughts of you with someone else in such a short space of time was too much to deal with!I know it was with me....

(Maybe give hot Spanish man another call if all else fails )

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

Wouldn't bother me at all, tbh.

You would be rare enough IME. And as arare as rocking horse droppings among men. With the ironic exception of low value insecure men who would be fine with it as they're just happy they got the women in the first place regardless.

Just because a girl is promiscuous does not make her incapable of being faithful or mongamous.

No it doesn't, but in the minds of many it makes it less likely. Doesn't mean I agree with it but that's the reality.

It doesn't mean she wants to have sex with more than one person at a time... so what does swinging have to do with it?

Agreed.

This thread makes me sad. OP, why would you want to be with such a judgemental @rsehole anyway? If he has a problem with one-night stands or sleeping with someone on the first date then he shouldn't have even slept with you, by his own standards.

Different thing really. From his point of view, he knew her for a while it seems, so it was different to a random hookup. I suspect he would have been less twitchy if the previous guy was known to her. Mad but there you go.

Furthermore, what you do with men is your own business. Tell your friends they need a lesson in discretion.

+1, though she needs as much if not more of a lesson in discretion as people will talk and make hay on this stuff.

Enjoy having lots and lots of safe sex, and tell the begrudgers to piss off. You will find a bloke secure enough not to care about how many men you've been with who's happy to enjoy the benefit of your experience.

Yes, but it's less likely in this scenario. Much less. There's a degree of security going on. Secure doesn't just mean anything goes. People have different boundaries. So as an example, I wouldn't look for anything serious from a woman who went straight from an ex to me with no time in the middle. She's not promiscuous in that case at all, but I wouldn't be keen. That would be something personal to me. One opinion is just as valid as another, so long as no one gets hurt by it. If we say anything goes, well then that must include those who don't agree with that. It doesn't make them any less secure.

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

You would be rare enough IME.

LOL. Thanks

Wibbs wrote: »

Different thing really. From his point of view, he knew her for a while it seems, so it was different to a random hookup. I suspect he would have been less twitchy if the previous guy was known to her. Mad but there you go.

Mad indeed. I just find it utterly hypocritical for someone to get all judgey judgey on you when they've just scored and slept with you themselves. If they're so unflinchingly moral, surely they should have waited?! Would be interested to see if the same guy would have turned down the OP if he'd slept with someone the previous night. I think not.

Wibbs wrote: »

+1, though she needs as much if not more of a lesson in discretion as people will talk and make hay on this stuff.

That's true, and I was going to mention that. There IS a stigma about promiscuity for women, and if you want to have lots of sex with no social repercussions, then you absolutely have to be discreet about it. There's no way of changing how people view your actions, so unless you're prepared to defend yourself, or not care what people think, then you kind of have to keep a low profile.

Wibbs wrote: »

Secure doesn't just mean anything goes. People have different boundaries. So as an example, I wouldn't look for anything serious from a woman who went straight from an ex to me with no time in the middle. She's not promiscuous in that case at all, but I wouldn't be keen. That would be something personal to me. One opinion is just as valid as another, so long as no one gets hurt by it. If we say anything goes, well then that must include those who don't agree with that. It doesn't make them any less secure.

The type of guys who have a problem with female promiscuity, I've found, tend to feel threatened by it. That's just my own personal experience. I can understand what you're saying, it's not always insecurity... but a lot of times it is.

On a basic level, though... someone who is promiscuous and highly sexed is not going to be compatible with someone who things they're "digusting" for sleeping with two guys two nights in a row. So there's little point in fretting about it, really.

calahans

Most guys would run a mile in this case. They would be wondering how many before or can I trust her out on her own. There will be a small minority that wouldn't. It doesnt follow that they call her a slut or whatever, they would just say to themselves a f*ck is fine, but a bad bet for a relationship. As another poster said that this girl could get laid every night she went out.

Even the guy who gets around may get a slap on the back from their mates, but the same mates would not want that guy with their sister. They are still being judged.

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

This thread makes me sad. OP, why would you want to be with such a judgemental @rsehole anyway?

Do you know the bloke? Is he an arsehole? Just because he doesn't feel comfortable around her anymore does not make him a bad person. Just incompatable. That's the crux of the matter.

shellyboo wrote: »

The type of guys who have a problem with female promiscuity, I've found, tend to feel threatened by it. That's just my own personal experience. I can understand what you're saying, it's not always insecurity... but a lot of times it is.

Good theory but not the reality in all cases. Put it this way, if I was the bloke I would have reacted in the same way (just not as harshly). I'd feel I'd just be another brick in the wall and I wouldn't want to wste my time. Blokes can feel used too you know.

On a basic level, though... someone who is promiscuous and highly sexed is not going to be compatible with someone who things they're "digusting" for sleeping with two guys two nights in a row. So there's little point in fretting about it, really.

Exactly. It's merely incompatability. It doesn't make either of them bad people.

calahans

calahans wrote: »

Even the guy who gets around may get a slap on the back from their mates, but the same mates would not want that guy with their sister. They are still being judged.

/thread.