No girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm 20, male and currently at university. I can't seem to attract any female attention. I've never had a girlfriend or been intimate/sexual and this really bothers me. It's not like I'm bad looking, or fat and I'm not too thin.

Personality wise, I'm shy when in large groups, and can talk to people easily in 1-1 situations. Could it be that I'm too nice, reserved and overly friendly?

I don't know where I'm going wrong, perhaps it's intrinsically motivated, the belief that I won't be good enough for them?

Any suggestions?

LegacyUser

you have to leave your comfort zone. shyness is just like having a stone in your shoe, you have to ignore it. face your fear. say hi to every women you see. if they dont reply, fcuk them! if they do happy days.
keep the conversation around them. give them half insults, say to a girl in your class, "would you study every night?". they'll think they come across as nerdy and they'll want to prove to you they're cool and worthy of your attention.
And at the end of the day they can only say no, dont let it bother you. Remember, you have to risk losing her in order to get her.

LegacyUser

It could be that you're focusing too much on girls as girlfriend material rather than waiting to see if you connect?? I don't mean you're doing this in a sleazy way or anything! I'm a girl and used to do this all the time with guys, if me and my friends met up with a new group of lads (for example) I would focus on the one guy I talked to first or who was in any way friendly to me, without giving myself a chance to see if we actually connected or if I like anyone else, and to be honest probably made it obvious that I was looking for a boyfriend.

Then, when I started college and just started enjoying myself and honestly not thinking about being in a relationship, I opened up a bit more in groups of people and lo and behold my boyfriend almost appeared out of nowhere! Wasn't even thinking about having a boyfriend until he came along.
My advice would be try to talk to everyone at a party etc. I know you say you're better at 1 on 1 (so am I) but the main thing is to put yourself out there to as many people as possible and I'm sure you'll find someone you really like and hopefully who likes you too!

Still be yourself of course, alot of girls like a more reserved kind of guy, but the only way you'll meet people is just to give yourself a little push of confidence!

As for the belief that you're not good enough for them all I can say is to block it out of your mind, especially when you talk to the girl. Say little tiny positive things to yourself about how it's going eg. oh she laughed at what I just said there. Anything to pick you up a little bit. Very few girls (the ones worth being with anyway..!) will be thinking things like "oh he's not good enough for me" on first meeting a guy, they just want to get to know you. If you are nice, relaxed and fun and just show interest in them trust me they won't be thinking this at all!

Above all I think the key is to not focus on getting a girlfriend. Easier said than done but focusing on it can make it seem like a task you must do or something. Relax and it will happen naturally!

Good luck x

af_thefragile

It'll happen when its meant to happen. Best thing to do is to not get so worked up over it.
Look at it, even the lousiest of people in this world have had relationships at some point of their life. You will too someday. Just don't rush into it cuz usually the more you rush into for one, the more desperate you'll get, the more you'll put off girls and so thats the vicious spiral of doom!!

Hence, live your life and stop worrying too much about girlfriend and sex. Every person on this planet gets the opportunity at some point in their life. Some a little later than others. Some a little more than others. But the opportunities will come. So just relax and live your life!!


Oh and by relax doesn't mean lock yourself up in a little bubble.
Read this for some inspiration. Its a little stupid, a little fun, but it puts across some good points!
http://www.cr3static.com/data/png/howtonotfailatlifepn3he9.png

Baggio

OP - you luckyyy b********d !!..stay away from them!!...only hassle and trouble,,,ya just dont need it bud...go home...open some great wine and toast the peaceful life,,while rocking out to great rocking music by Rush or Tull or whoever ,,,,,believe me,,,its great!! hahaha goood luck to ya

ciao' amigo...Baggio...

Wibbs

Baggio please read the charter of this forum, especially the bit about unhelpful posting. Thank you.

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same boat man! I'm 20, in college, never had sex/girlfriend, decent looking, not a gob****e etc. My advice is to stop worrying- that's what I did. Things haven't gotten much better- I'm still every bit as open and confident as I was and have yet to find anyone, but now I just don't beat myself up over it. I try to take it with a pinch of humour and feel much better- it'll happen when it does. Most of my friends have been tellin'g me to save it for 'someone special'.
Just chill...

Baggio

WIBBS...shall do...apologies if coming across in a bad way....just my mad sense of humour getting the better of me...

cheeers anyway bud.........

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys.
I don't really have problems talking to girls or socialising with them, it's taking anything to that next level (any bloody level). It would be so much easier if girls made a move on me, then I'd at least know they were interested!
Cheers Baggio, made me laugh. I'll document and publish my life of celibacy.

LegacyUser

I'd actually left college by the time I got ANY action to speak of. I'd say in my 4 years there I kissed about 3/4 girls... all while I was paralyticly drunk. I felt so bad about myself... like what the hell is wrong with me kind of thing. And I am by no means a repellant individual!

The solution for me funnily enough was to start hanging round with guys that get loads of female attention, you know that guy with the gift of the gab that all the girls love being around? You can learn loads from him.

I'm very happy with my love life now

LegacyUser

Thing is I hang out with loads of confident fellas, any girls I meet I try and hide (not introduce to my mates) as I know they'd instantly get on better with them, in a way showing me up.

It's great to hear you've landed on your feet fella, I'm sure I will too. Just need to find someone who can stand the sight of me first.

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this one. I'm in the exact same situation as you OP. Haven't had a girlfriend. It's something that I find I can get strung up about too (and have done in the past), but I'm taking it as an indication that I just haven't really found anyone of the same kinda personality as I am, or that I amn't really compatible with other people. It's not something I particularly worry about, but occasionally I do think about it.

LegacyUser

OP- you sound exactly like me, except the male version of me. Except I do actually get some attention but it leads to nothing really. Anyway I hope things get better for you and you get what you want.

Though I can't see why you aren't getting attention. But perhaps you need to work on your confidence and be able to express yourself better in a group. Anyway good luck.X

LegacyUser

Hmm....It's got to that stage though, when I'm getting quite self conscious. I'm regularly getting probed for information from family members about possible relationships, sexual involvement etc. Even my grandad mocks me (he used to be a bit of a player). Really pisses me off that every time I have nothing to tell them, nothing to brag about.

Female version of me, thanks for your well wishing. I definitely need some confidence, it's hard to gain any though when there's nothing to be confident about. It may sound dodgy, but perhaps I need to have a few 1 night stands, to instill some confidence? The problem is finding willing participants.
Good luck to you too!

I think I'm gonna sign up on here, you seem like decent enough people.

LegacyUser

OP: What good is a one night stand going to do if you want a meaningful relationship?

LegacyUser

OP here.
I just thought it might be a good way of boosting some confidence, getting some sexual experience under my belt, before I commit to a proper relationship. I wouldn't want to let anybody down, suffer because of my inadequacies.