Quitting online dating

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I think I might be about to finish my experiment with online dating. I'm getting no replies and haven't had any conversations or dates, despite having sent dozens of messages. I've tried very hard to follow the guidelines - being friendly, polite, interested, funny. And I've uploaded photos which show me in a good light.

Reasons I think I might not be getting any replies: my height (I'm short), my nationality (I'm an immigrant from Poland, though I moved years ago), and my self-description. While I don't say say it explicity, girls who read my profile can probably see that I'm a very conservative and mature 24 year old. Also, some girls might think I'm a bit of a nerd (MSc physics), and I work long and unusual hours in my career. What I'm beginning to believe is that there is simply little or no demand for someone like me from the women out there around my age, and that there's basically nothing I can do about it. That's probably fair enough, though, since most of them wouldn't be my "type" either. The problem is that it seems like a pointless exercise when you are rejected because of the info on your profile every single time, even by those girls who look like they could be compatible with you.

So should I give up? The thing is that I don't see many other avenues for finding women at the moment. But I don't feel desperate - as long as I can make the time to find the right type of woman for me before I'm 30 I won't mind too much (though at that point I'm sure I'd be looking to marry someone quite a few years younger than myself. I wouldn't attempt to date the same selection of women who had been ignoring guys like me in my early and mid-twenties).

Thanks for your advice.

Oryx

Maybe you're just using the wrong sites, or the wrong words. Look at it this way: you have certain characteristics, and there are women out there who would think you are fabulous. But maybe you're just having trouble selling yourself. These sites are the type of place where you can quickly zip through profiles and messages, and potential dates can be missed if they dont stand out in the initial few seconds of reading. Cos thats what counts really. Making a strong first impression you can build on. If you are not doing that, among all the other online guys who know how to write a cheeky email and take a good photo, youll be forgotten.

So should you give up? Not necessarily. But you may have to change your tack if your current profile is not working for you. Im not saying lie, but certainly emphasise things that you dont right now. Instead of describing yourself as a sensible and mature nerd, (which lets face it, is a bit of a hard sell, in an online environment where the attention span is seconds and boredom is not allowed) pick out your plus points that you think make you unique. But think more 'pub banter' than 'cv' when writing your profile. Stop following the guidlines, whatever they are, and be yourself. Treat the profile and your initial messages as a kind of pitch, that gets someone to stop and notice you, and after that, just be you and see what happens.

Oh, and ps. Stop looking for the 'right type of woman'. Whatever that means.

cantdecide

I tried it, made the best of it I could, took all the suggestions on board and then gave it up for virtually identical reasons and i haven't regretted it. It's not the alternative way of finding women that you would think it should be. It's an alternative way of meeting the same women that you already know you're incompatible with.

The few that you know you're compatible with will ignore you. I found it very bad for the soul. I was becoming cynical.

satcie101

OP how long have you been trying the online dating, maybe it's the site some are better than others. Have you actually got to go on dates yet or is it just emails. My boyfriend is not very tall and I love him and think he is gorgeous, so don't worry about that.

SarahMc

cantdecide wrote: »

I found it very bad for the soul. I was becoming cynical.

That is true, I found internet dating soul destroying. You really have to develop a very tough skin, and not take rejection personally. Its something I could only use in stops and starts and not for sustained periods of time. Having said that after a few stops and starts, it worked spectaculary well for me

BTW why would you be looking to marry a woman "quite a few years younger" than yourself when you are 30??

LegacyUser

Gotta say online dating worked for me! You can't generalise and say it will/won't work. You can but give it a try and see what happens. I can have a look at your profile for ya if ya like and give ya some tips. 9 months later and am still going strong with my beau so I have only praise for online dating at moment!

LegacyUser

Its something I could only use in stops and starts and not for sustained periods of time.

This is a good plan. Online dating requires patience, above all. Just as you might not meet a suitable person today, but you might tomorrow, someone can pop up on a dating site at any time. Be a bit patient and look on the chats you have as worthwhile in themselves.

Try a different profile, look at other sites with other search mechanisms.

Blackpitts

in my experiece online dating doesn't work if you are a male foreigner.
Girls are just afraid you might leave at any time, plus irish girls are really conservative, they prefer to settle down with irish guys (same roots, same traditions, same habits...etc..)

greenteaicedtea

though at that point I'm sure I'd be looking to marry someone quite a few years younger than myself. I wouldn't attempt to date the same selection of women who had been ignoring guys like me in my early and mid-twenties

You have to let go of your preconcieved notions if you are going to meet someone online. Maybe someone you didn't answer, because you didn't like her picture, would have been the perfect woman for you.

I'd say that women, who couldn't be bothered to look twice at a geek in their early 20s, will leave no stone unturned to find one when they're in their mid to late 30s. Don't be bitter at women because they overlooked you, men do the same, they are more shallow when they are younger, and when they are older they look for different qualities, when they are looking for a spouse.

Having said that, take a night school course that has nothing to do with your degree. You might meet someone in the class, or you might make new friends and meet someone through them. Or join a cooking class or a dance class.

Meeting someone online is kind of like walking without being able to see; if you are in a class with someone every week, you can get a sense of someone's personality without pressure.

cafecolour

I've done a good bit of online dating, and found it an excellent way to meet a lot of interesting enough people who I had absolutely no chemistry with. It's impossible to judge attraction online.

And without that chemistry, it's very easy to let one little thing (ie too short or too young or too nerdy or Polish or whatever makes them say 'maybe not') make you reject someone without giving them more of a chance than you might in person where the chemistry powers you through it.

So yes, drop the online dating for the time being. Go to the gym, join a club, etc., etc. maybe someone will come along. The online dating will still be there, you can certainly go back to it in a few years if you want to.

Overheal

Im fed up with it too. Despite putting myself out there, and all of that jazz. But thats not to say I didnt get one, maybe two connections that occured. One went really well but then she wouldnt shut up about her ex boyfriend who was married with a kid (psycho...) and the other one we just tripped on a bad foot because I don't sign into IM very much and she thought it meant I didnt like her anymore (:()

The online dating thing is only a means to connect to someone, and it doesnt really substitute for (my) social ineptitude. Once you encounter someone its all down to you, and its still very easy to screw up all the same whether you met them online or at a bar

If you aren't having success online it doesnt mean much, to be honest. Just explore other avenues.

antiskeptic

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi everyone, I think I might be about to finish my experiment with online dating. I'm getting no replies and haven't had any conversations or dates, despite having sent dozens of messages. I've tried very hard to follow the guidelines - being friendly, polite, interested, funny. And I've uploaded photos which show me in a good light.

After gently refusing to entertain the notion of a prospective date moving from the African continant so as to wed me, I went out on my first real web date. She was more experienced with it than me in such dating and suggested we forego the emailing and just meet up to see if there was any spark. There wasn't - but no harm done. A week later she emails me to say one of her tenants is interested in meeting up (our date was mentioned in passing during rent handover). 3 years later and our wedding is but a few months away. My sister is in a long term relationship with someone who she met up with in the same way - indeed, it was her doing so that encouraged me to give it a whirl.

So: persevere would be my first bit of advice - the medium works. And do as your doing in critically evaluating things.

Reasons I think I might not be getting any replies: my height (I'm short),

I'm 5'6". She's 5'2. There are plenty of short women around and mine at least wouldn't fancy it if I was much taller than I already am.

my nationality (I'm an immigrant from Poland, though I moved years ago),

I doubt this is an issue. Perhaps with some - but certainly not anything like all - potential candidates.

While I don't say say it explicity, girls who read my profile can probably see that I'm a very conservative and mature 24 year old.

Manna from heaven for a lot of girls I'm sure.

Also, some girls might think I'm a bit of a nerd (MSc physics), and I work long and unusual hours in my career.

Writes excellent English, works hard and is well educated to boot!! The only justification for negativity so far would be the lack of responses you've had - not in the profile mentioned here.

What I'm beginning to believe is that there is simply little or no demand for someone like me from the women out there around my age, and that there's basically nothing I can do about it. That's probably fair enough, though, since most of them wouldn't be my "type" either. The problem is that it seems like a pointless exercise when you are rejected because of the info on your profile every single time, even by those girls who look like they could be compatible with you.


So should I give up? The thing is that I don't see many other avenues for finding women at the moment. But I don't feel desperate - as long as I can make the time to find the right type of woman for me before I'm 30 I won't mind too much (though at that point I'm sure I'd be looking to marry someone quite a few years younger than myself. I wouldn't attempt to date the same selection of women who had been ignoring guys like me in my early and mid-twenties).

Thanks for your advice.

There is limited data to go on so I'll just suggest things as they occur to me.

1) Shotgun the market. This means widening the range of people to whom you respond in order that you get out on dates and meet the people behind the profiles. Profiles are very clunky ways to inform ourselves about another person and shouldn't be used as too coarse a filter. I couldn't have told from the initial emails between my wife-to-be and myself that I'd fall literally on the first date. Neither could I have told from the first dates profile that we wouldn't at all click.

2) Try a couple of different themes when it comes to profiles. Discuss x range of things on theme 1 and y range of things on theme 2. Use different photos for each (more formal in one theme perhaps vs. you relaxed, smiling and out and with others in another theme). Vary it up a bit so that someone who might reject one theme could think twice on seeing things packaged a different way

3) Suggest (but don't push) an early meeting rather than progressing too far with emails. I didn't do the latter but can see the disadvantages.

4) Persevere until such time as you begin to generate leads. They will come.


Good luck

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks for the messages everyone. A few in particular:

(1) Oryx: cheers for pointing out the importance of first impressions!

(2) satcie: Been on it for 3 months, on a popular site with loads of people. I have my first date off it set up for this weekend.

(3) SarahMc: apart from her being more phsically attractive, with a younger woman there is the choice either to enjoy her 20s with her or to start a family straight away, while she's in her prime. There are fewer choices with a 30-something and I'd feel like I'd missed out on some of the best years of her life. So my preference for a 20-25 year old who takes care of herself probably isn't going to change much as I get older, even if the preferences of the women my age do.

(4) antiskeptic: great stories! Getting set up with friends/acquaintances of your internet dates sounds like another great avenue! I won't destroy my account yet. Appreciate the advice about meeting up in person quickly, trying different profiles, etc. I'll bear that in mind. After setting up my first date I think I'm getting the hang of this format and do have confidence that the leads will appear, so long as I'm patient. Like other people have said, it's a tough environment and I need to deal with the frustration of not getting replies, as well as remembering that there are plenty of other ways to meet women too. The next time I go a week without replies, I'll force myself to do a cold daytime approach!