What can I do???

LegacyUser

Hi, I apologize in advance for what is more of an essay than a post but I appreciate any help or advice anyone can give me.

Basically, My OH an I have been together almost a year now but she is also 6 months pregnant. Luckily we both love each other and we decided we'd do our best to raise the baby and worry about marriage and things down the line. Thing is, we're both in our early 20's, I'm still in college and she's working full time but not for a massive amount of money(she's in the job about 6 months, loves it and gets on well with everyone and they're all being supportive of her with the pregnancy so there's no worries there) However she hasn't been able to save much money since we found out and has basically just clawed her way out of debt that she had accumulated. I'm working part time but i'm only earning about €120 quid a week which isn't a lot and usually goes towards petrol and other expenses. She's been living out of home for a few years and so she tends to have lots of bills and rent and such so It's been tough to put money away. We haven't even bought a buggy, or baby clothes or anything we need and we're still trying to figure out where the hell we're going to live. Things are looking bad for us and despite our best intentions and efforts we seem no closer to a solution than when we found out about the baby.

I guess I let myself be drawn into this false sense of security where I thought "we'll be fine and we'll sort it all out" and last night she got quite upset on the phone, I had found out about a particular house that seemed suitable but had onstreet parking, but as she's lived in a house like this before and as the house is in a busy area she said no way. She was afraid of cars being damaged and repair bills and parking permits and so on, I could see where she was coming from and so eventually gave in. But then she just unloaded all her worries, she's seriously freaking out, she's worried about where we'll live, buying baby stuff, how we'll afford all this and if we'll even be able to cope at all. then for the first time ever she mentioned adoption.

Ever since we found out adoption has been one of those "we're not discussing it, no way we'll ever do that" kind of subjects. It really knocked me back when she said and seems she's been thinking about it lately and said she thinks she should have just got rid of it straight away and not let it go this far. I know she's scared but I mentioned these things to her back at the beginning, i.e. your going to get big, you won't be able to go out with your friends at night, this baby is going to be expensive, it's not going to be easy and I even mentioned abortion even though it made me sick to think of it. I guess it just surprised me that she only realised this now and I'm doing my best to comfort her but its not easy as things are looking like they're going from bad to worse.

Adoption just strikes me as the " I quit option" and I don't know if I could live with myself if we gave up the baby and I don't know if I could continue a relationship with her in that situation despite the fact that I love her with all my heart and soul and have been 110% about raising this baby with her since the beginning. It would just kill me as I know i'd just associate her with this massive loss and yet I feel I couldn't give up on her either as she's only holding on because I'm here with her and I'm afraid that kind of loss would destroy her. I'm at a loss as to what I can do, or what we can do. I'm doing my best to organise things and try to sort our lives out but I'm trying to study for exams that are crucial to our future.

It's just wrecking my head and I feel as if I'm being sucked into a black hole that I just can't escape. It feels like any of the options I have aren't options at all and no matter what I do I stand to lose everything and everyone I care about. I've actually been imagining bad scenario's where something happens and we lose the baby, or there are complications during birth and they die and my head is just a mess from it because in a weird and horrible way it would be like a get out jail free card, and I hate myself for thinking this. I feel so horrible that I'd even consider it.

I'm confused and worried and losing the ability to stay positive.

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in the same situation as yourself only 5 years ago seemed no end in sight, you have to knuckle down keep your head focused on the end target, which I am guessing is the happy family with a house and the usual stuff your supposed to have.

Look into the help you can get from the state, I know it might not feel like the nicest option but look at it as what it is supposed to be, a helping hand to get you on your feet, you will be paying tax for all your life take advantage of it now when you need it.

Its not as bad as you think and your not the only person who has ever been in this position just keep the head.

mac_attack

Wow dude, you have quite the difficult situation, seems to me you are coping alot better than most people. Have you tried talking to the people at college, maybe taking a year out make some money and get things togother, they can be quite understanding when it comes to perosnal issues (however than could just be bad idea, with fees coming in and the possibility you mite not find a job or get too sucked in too job/family life and not go back to college.) How about your parents, can they not support you in this?

John Mason

you can get all your baby needs, furnuiture, clothes, toys, equipment etc. for free on freecycle.

so all that wont cost you any money.

other then that you just have rent and food. i am sure the social will pay for the rent - up to €950, so just bills then.

which you should be able to do no problem

Ironé

OP, I can't imagine how stressed out you must be feeling. And I can completely understand how your OH has been frieking out about everything. It must seem like you have a mountain to climb.

My friend went through all this without a job and without an OH and got through college with flying colours. She had no support from family either - the woman is a legend - and a great budgeter!

You can do this - many people have before you and there is a lot of support out there. Drop into your local social services place and have a chat with someone there to see what your entitlements are.

Make out a budget for yourselves - whats coming in, whats going out; see if you can save a small bit each month. You might have a tough few years now but you'll finish college, get a job and be earning better. It will all work out.

Make a list of what you need and start getting things now - there are a lot of cheap options! Also was in tesco the other day and there is really great value in baby stuff. Start looking out for offers on nappies, bottles and all that stuff.

Most important you both need to sit down and talk about whether you really want to go through this. It's going to be difficult - there will be sleepless nights and you may have to give up some luxaries for a year or two but the pay off is huge

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better about things now, I guess I needed to vent as much as anything else. I guess it's just a matter of putting our heads together and budgeting like hell.

As for parents, well on both sides we have support but we can't exactly be relying on them for everything, we don't want to appear as inept parents but I guess if we take this mentality too far we'll end up paying for it. Although it's nice to know they're there if it comes to it.

I need to finish college as I've only a year left and the prospects could be quite good depending on how well I do. If I land a good job then that could make life a lot easier for us so it's quite a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I've work placement in June so I'm hoping to make a good impression so that maybe they'll hire me back once I've finished. (its the pharmaceutical industry btw)

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the support. Nothing left to do but work hard

missmatty

Well done to you. You sound very mature and responsible! And it's understandable that your girlf is freaking out, it's probably just hit her what is ahead. Maybe go to your local social welfare office and lay it on the table for them, they will let you know what you are entitled to. Also try to finish college, it's only 1 more year so definitely worth carrying on. Best of luck and congrats

Ironé

OP again wrote: »

As for parents, well on both sides we have support but we can't exactly be relying on them for everything, we don't want to appear as inept parents but I guess if we take this mentality too far we'll end up paying for it. Although it's nice to know they're there if it comes to it.

OP OP OP!! Two sets of supportive parents!!!! - take every bit of help you can get It is not a bad reflection to get help from people. And if this is the first grandchild then they might be only too happy to help out.

Make sure you make time for each other on a regular basis - you need to take care of your relationship too so make sure you have a night out together every two weeks at least - make a pact! It can't all be doom and gloom

TheDollyParton

www.citizensinformation.ie

They can tell you about all the services that are available and what your entitlements are. Good luck, your hearts are in the right place and that seems like half the battle.

Lollipops23

hi op,
sounds as if your GF is just getting overwhelmed by everything; her body is changing hugely and i'm sure she's hormonal(although i'm reluctant to blame everything on the hormones!) my guess is that she's not serious about adoption, it's just panic setting in.

my advise?do what you can to save as much as poss, you can get all the baby gear on the likes of gumtree.ie, and don't be fooled into buying equipment YOU DO NOT NEED!!seriously, half the stuff you hear of you don't even need. And please talk to both sets of parents,i'm sure they don't want their grandchild or their kids to go without.Best of luck and congrats!

LegacyUser

Its defo like being thrown in at the deep end but you seem very mature and capable.

Yes the welfare will be supportive, speak to the CWO in your local health centre.
I remember when i was in college and i needed to do counseling and pay for it but i couldnt afford it they gave me a check for 2,000 toward it.

Also because i had no family, the vincent de paul helped me with an education fund you can apply for if your in college, they gave me 100eu a month, very helpful.

I wasnt ashamed to get the support because by doing the therapy and having some financial support i managed to get a very good degree.

I also qualified for rent allowance.

There are all kinds of support out there, Your girlfriend might be better getting a place on her own from the welfare, when i moved in with my boyfriend he was considered my spouse and i lost any support because he had a job, i was embarrassed having to depend on him for a while thil i got on my feet, but i was greatful for what i did get.

Oh The Humanity

Hey, its very normal and natural for a woman to freak out with worry when she is pregnant, especially the first time.

Even the middle class Mum with two decent incomes and private healthcare will panic and fall apart.

It doesn't mean the problems are not real, but its just that with the hormones and stress on her body these real problems become magnified hugely during pregnancy.

There is also the nesting instinct which can really kick in during the final trimester, where the woman wants to organise the physical surroundings where the baby is going to be. You will find women with huge bumps trying to get onto stepladders to paint celings and bursting into tears over missing skirting boards.....

So it is not at all suprising your girl is panicking. Stay strong for her and please dont take it personally if she lashes out at you. I know you are scared too, but try not to let her see that.

Everything WILL be ok. You will work it all out beautifully.

bicardi19

you need to be so supportive to your oh and ensure her that you will take care of her.
I have been in your situation and thought the same things.
Its a very daunting time. But things are not always as bad as they seem. You sound like you are very mature and not living in fairy tale land but you need to relax a little.
When I found out I was pregnant at the age of 20 I thought my life was over. But with a little bit of planning and hard work I cant believe I ever thought about adoption.
Things will come good and when you hold that little baby it will give you the push to work harder than ever to give them the best you can.
Your girlfriend is probably just thinking out loud and needs a little reassurance from you.
sounds like shes lucky to have someone who is prepared to stand up and take responsibility .

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
I was in a similar situation to you 10 years ago. I became pregnant when my boyfriend and I were in our final year at uni.

The pressure of everything was overwhelming at the time, but with my boyfriend's support everything has worked out.

The social helped out for a few months until we were able to start working. Things were tough at the start, no money, no idea what to do with a baby etc.

10 years on we are married, have 2 beautiful children, good jobs and lovely house.

Don't panic and don't lose heart. You will have tough times but with love and determination everything will be ok.

Best of luck

RIRI

OP I can remember having the exact same conversation with my OH 5 years ago. I was totally overwhelmed by the whole thing, panicking, doubting the decision to raise our baby wondering where we were going to live & how we were ever going to provide for the child or even afford somewhere to rent.

As has been mentioned look into all of your welfare entitlements, god know's you'll be working & paying taxes for long enough. Look at jumbletown.ie for free babystuff - you really don't need half of the stuff that you think. Perhaps either or both sets of parents might help out with anything you need to buy new (matress, nappies etc). I would also start a savings account, even if you can only put €5 a week into it, it's a start and a good habit to get into, this will also give you some piece of mind.

You should remember that expecting your first child is a daunting time for anyone but more so for you both given the circumstances. It sounds to me like you both have your priorities right so you will not be struggling financially for ever.

I wish you both the very best of luck in the future