Messed up boyfriend

LegacyUser · 23-03-2009 2:13pm #1

I'll try to keep this as short as I can. My boyfriend and I are together 2 years, he's 24 and I'm 27. For the first year of our relationship he treated me terribly. 4 months after we got together he broke up with me. He said that it was because he had bumped into a girl he slept with and wondered if he made a mistake in finishing it with her and got confused as to what he wanted. We were already back together when he told me this. About 10months after we got together he broke up with me again this time saying he wasn't sure if he loved me. He immediatley regretted it and less than a week afterwards we were back together. For over a year things seemed ok. He still didn't treat me the way I felt I needed to be treated. It's hard to pinpoint exactly how but I never felt like he really wanted me around, even when he asked to see me. He would make comments that were either thoughtless or meant to hurt me...like saying if he met me and my sister in a bar he would fancy her first. (if this is true I don't know why he would even say it). He has since told me that when we met he was incredibly messed up and not ready for a relationship but he is now.All of this has left me incredibly insecure and I'm not the person I was.
He suffers from depression. In January he went out of control and drunkenly kissed a girl at a party. He called me straight afterwards absolutely hysterical and full of shame for what he had done. Said he loved me more than anything and needed help. He has since started counselling. Things between us have been awful since then. We fight all the time and I am an insecure wreck. I feel like the shell of a person I once was. Last night I sensed something was brewing and after literally dragging it out of him he told me that he was confused and not sure if he was in love with me. I told him that as I was sure I was in love with him, I couldn't be with someone who didn't feel the same and we should break up. This absolutely destroyed him and he said he couldn't handle not being with me but that he thought he was no good for me. He then went onto say that him doubting his feelings for me was because of all the fighting lately.
About an hour after that I called him back and he said that he wasn't being truthful in the previous conversation. That he truly was in love with me, more than anything, and that he told me he was uncertain because he was hoping I would break up with him. Because he feels so guilty for how he has treated me and because I deserve better, but not under any circumstances because he is unsure about how he feels. I told him to take some space to try and figure his life out and we agreed to have no contact for a month which is already killing me. He has already texted me twice today and I haven't responded. I love this person so much but I feel destroyed. I'm afraid it is always going to be this way, yet another part thinks that if we love each other so much and he can get his life together we can be really happy. I just don't know what to do. With or without him. Any insight would be truly appreciated, thank you x

Oh The Humanity · 23-03-2009 3:05pm

If you want to know how your future will shape up, look to the past. The relationship started off terribly and went downhill from there.

You'r self esteem is on the floor.

He is full of mixed emotions and that will not change. I am going to be harsh here but I think he is not committed to you, he is dependant on you and attached to you, but he is not letting go and allowing himself to go the whole nice yards with you and he is not going to either.

I guess the only time he wants you is when he feels you slipping away from him. But when he has you he is constantly on the lookout for something 'better'

After this amount of time, thats just not good enough. If you get back with him, you need to understand its always going to be like this.

He is the type of person who finds it hard to make a decision and stick to it. No sooner than he decided it than he sees the negatives and changes his mind back again.

Thats what he is like, yes he can get counselling but if he decides to do that I would let him go on his personal journey of self improvement on his own time. He has wasted enough of yours already. My guess though is that he wont do the work to change. So dont accept that kind of promise as a dangling carrot. As I say if he wants to do the work, let him do it on his own time.

This relationship is no good for you. Its shattering your nerves, too many ups and downs and the bloke is full of drama. A relationship is supposed to be happy and easy, not clouded in misery.

You say you love him but maybe you dont know any other way?

You need to move on, collect your mind, body and soul together and enjoy a bit of reflective time by yourself without him stressing you with all his melodrama.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2009 3:20pm

OP here. I know you are right. But the awful irony is that he has made me feel so worthless that I don't feel I have the strength to leave even though it is the best thing for me. I feel as though the only way I will ever leave him is if someone kidnaps me and drags me off to an island somewhere for a few months so I can get him out of my system.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 23-03-2009 4:05pm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. I know you are right. But the awful irony is that he has made me feel so worthless that I don't feel I have the strength to leave even though it is the best thing for me. I feel as though the only way I will ever leave him is if someone kidnaps me and drags me off to an island somewhere for a few months so I can get him out of my system.

He depends on you but in his heart thinks he can do better than you. Soon as a girl he likes better comes along you'll be gone.

I think you should be the one in counselling/therapy, I think you're far more "messed up" than he is. Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me.

Gholimoli · 23-03-2009 4:07pm

as some one else said...make no mistake about it...

it will always,always be like this.leave him and when ever you start having doubts or it gets too much just imagine that you are back with him and ask your self is this what you want?

your self confidence has suffered yes ,but that is something that can be fixed ,you will get back on your feet but if you continue in this you will only get worse and for nothing.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2009 5:09pm

"I think you should be the one in counselling/therapy, I think you're far more "messed up" than he is. Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me"

Thanks Bottle Of Smoke. Comments like that are especially helpful to someone who is emotionally exhausted. Even the most stable, confident person can be fooled twice. People are people. Not meaningless cliches.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2009 6:01pm

Unregistered wrote: »

"I think you should be the one in counselling/therapy, I think you're far more "messed up" than he is. Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me"

Thanks Bottle Of Smoke. Comments like that are especially helpful to someone who is emotionally exhausted. Even the most stable, confident person can be fooled twice. People are people. Not meaningless cliches.

To be fair I think BOS said that not as an attack on you but more as a wake up call. I can see that you are emotionally exhausted and more than a little defeated, but the only person that can help you is you.

Its hard to dig yourself out of a hole this deep, but dig you must, dig or be buried.

If you feel weak you have got to become strong, no one can do it for you, its hard work and there is no magic solution.

But I think you can do it, you showed a little fight there above in your last post, you might be down, but you are far from out.

Beruthiel · 23-03-2009 6:51pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm afraid it is always going to be this way

It IS always going to be this way.
So many people seem to think that if s/he loves me enough, they will change for me.
It's very, very, very rarely happens.

yet another part thinks that if we love each other so much and he can get his life together we can be really happy.

If he wanted that to happen, he would have done something about it by now.

I just don't know what to do. With or without him. Any insight would be truly appreciated, thank you x

We can love someone but know that they are bad for us.
Right now, he is bad for you and you need to think of yourself and your happiness.
You are not happy with him.
What is your conclusion then?

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 7:13pm

op here. I have been talking to him the past few days. He is getting very involved with his counselling sessions. He swears that everything he does is self-sabotage and is to do with his depression and not me and that he loves me more than anything. We've agreed to not talk, text or have any contact for a month and see how we feel then. He swears he will not change his mind in a month and is certain I'm the person for him. He says all his doubts and trying to escape from the relationship are due to his fear that he will never be happy in life and thus make me unhappy. That he thinks because he is so messed up that it is kinder to me to let me go but because he loves me so much each time he does he can't stick with it. He says that he never wants anyone else. That I'm "the one" and that he never wants to keep trying to sort himself out. He says the only doubts he has had about our relationship are due to how unhappy we are. Me being insecure because of his past actions and him because of guilt and his inability to make me feel better.

He also said that any mistakes he has made in the past have been because of his own stupid problems and never because his feelings for me changed. He wants to get better, sort himself out etc. He seems to think that he can do that and is very optomistic and cheery about it.
His relationships with women have always been difficult. He was a very very sick child and therefore has what I believe are some attatchment issues. Also for most of his childhood up until he was about 17 his parents split up almost every year and threatened divorce. He only told me this recently and has been discussing it with his therapist. Also he said that during these troubled years he began to develop the idea that love would sort out everything, make him happy. With the result whenever he liked a girl and they started seeing each other he would come on way too strong, fall in love almost instantly and think they were the solution to all his problems. He got way too scary and they would run a mile and that it deeply affected him. I asked him why it was never the case with me. Why when he met me he treated me bad instead of putting me on a pedastal like those other girls and he said that by then he was too insecure and had too many bad memories of what it was like to fall for someone. But he also said that I'm the only one he has ever truly loved. And he knows that because his love for me is real, not a fairy tale. Because he knows me and who I really am and doesn't have this distorted view of me or what I can do for him. He says he still does want to marry me. I think that at this stage I will give him the month to sort himself and see how he is after that, meet up and have a chat etc. But then maybe leave it another month without contact and meet up again and maybe do this for a few months so I can see the change (if any) without being completely inside it. Thoughts anyone?

ellie1 · 25-03-2009 9:38pm

Your post seems to be very much about him and his views, his thoughts, his feelings , his therapist, his past, his issues etc etc...
Give him a month for what.... a month of therapy isnt going to sort out a lifetime of baggage... Many people enter therapy and remain there for many years. So give him a month or two or a year or three....This man is hanging on to you with promises that you cannot trust. Fair play to him for getting help. He doesnt know where his therapy will take him and neither do you.

While you place all your hope on this man loving you, you also put your life on hold. I am not suggesting that you just abandon ship but realistically he wont have changed in a month...what do think is going to happen? He will emerge issue-less or something?

I think you should spend more time thinking of yourself, your family and your friends. Things you would like to do see etc and put this man at the end of your list for a while.

bnagrrl · 25-03-2009 10:52pm

"For the first year of our relationship he treated me terribly."

I don't understand why you didn't get out then and why you put up with being treated like this for a year??? Past performance is the best indicator of future performance imo, relationships like this don't change.

He's 27, he needs to draw a line under his "horrible childhood" and start taking responsibility for his actions.

I also agree with the poster who said you need to put him on the back burner, concentrate on your own family, friends, college/work etc.
You're only 24, this guy has a lifetime of baggage and issues real or imagined. It's a lot to take on for any relationship where both parties are 100% committed to each other but from what you've written in your first post I don't think he is.

P.S. If my fiance told me he fancied my sister more than me he'd wake up in the middle of next week.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 10:57pm

ellie1 wrote: »

Your post seems to be very much about him and his views, his thoughts, his feelings , his therapist, his past, his issues etc etc...
Give him a month for what.... a month of therapy isnt going to sort out a lifetime of baggage... Many people enter therapy and remain there for many years. So give him a month or two or a year or three....This man is hanging on to you with promises that you cannot trust. Fair play to him for getting help. He doesnt know where his therapy will take him and neither do you.

While you place all your hope on this man loving you, you also put your life on hold. I am not suggesting that you just abandon ship but realistically he wont have changed in a month...what do think is going to happen? He will emerge issue-less or something?

I think you should spend more time thinking of yourself, your family and your friends. Things you would like to do see etc and put this man at the end of your list for a while.

I understand what you are saying and I brought this up with him. I guess I was hoping that the therapy, while not getting rid of his issues will be able to be dealt with in the correct way and eventually just become memories. I know you said that I'm placing all my hope on this man loving me but thats not strictly true. I know he loves me, thats whats making this so hard. What I am doing is placing all my hope on him dealing with his issues so he can have a proper relationship with me. And maybe that isn't healthy either.

rebekahnor · 25-03-2009 11:09pm

while he might not change we dnt know that for certain, i feel for you hun, you sound like you really do love him i was in a sitch like this years ago, and tho it was hard to leave, almost impossible and horrible for the next while, i am now with a bf who treats me like i shoud be treated. op i will only say this once.......YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Bottle_of_Smoke · 26-03-2009 3:13am

Unregistered wrote: »

"I think you should be the one in counselling/therapy, I think you're far more "messed up" than he is. Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me"

Thanks Bottle Of Smoke. Comments like that are especially helpful to someone who is emotionally exhausted. Even the most stable, confident person can be fooled twice. People are people. Not meaningless cliches.

Sorry but was just being cruel to be kind, if you give him a chance you're being naive to the point of insanity

Munster_Gal · 26-03-2009 7:10am

Hi OP
I agree with the other posters. And I'm sure that deep down you do too. You need to walk away from all of this. You need to look after you!

What's for you won't go past you.

Let him continue with his counseling. But you should not sit around waiting for him to get better. It might never happen and you might never be truly happy. At the end of the day the first person you should be looking after is yourself. And from what you've been saying you haven't been doing this.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2009 1:53pm

bnagrrl wrote: »

I don't understand why you didn't get out then and why you put up with being treated like this for a year???

I don't know either. I honestly don't. I was never the type of women to let man a treat her like crap. I always was the one to walk away. As stupid and corny as it sounds I simply fell in love with him. It's not like it's all been horrrible and a nightmare two years. He is an incredibly kind and generous person.

And I just want to say that even when I'm disagreeing with posters here, its not because I don't want to hear it. In fact I need to hear what people think objectively in order to make some kind of decision. No-one we know has told me outright to leave him. They all keep telling me how much he loves me, that he is messed up and makes mistakes but ultimately I'm the love of his life. That's why I can't just walk away.

I'm actually doing alot to help myself while we are on this break. I've started attending counselling myself (thats kinda why I snapped Bottle of Smoke...bit of a sore point). I'm reading alot of books about how to get out of bad relationships. I've thrown myself into my work and have made alot of plans to go out with friends.

I asked him a few weeks ago why he said some of those horrible things he said...ie like the sister comment. He said he doesn't know but its something hes working on with his counsellor, but what he did know is that those comments never ever reflected what he truly thought.

I suppose the real reason I posted this in the first place is that I am wondering if there is anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and come out the other side of it? Either by finding the strength to leave the situation or by staying in the situation and giving the person the chance to get better and are ultimately thankful that they did?

bnagrrl · 27-03-2009 11:59pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't know either. I honestly don't. I was never the type of women to let man a treat her like crap. I always was the one to walk away. As stupid and corny as it sounds I simply fell in love with him. It's not like it's all been horrrible and a nightmare two years. He is an incredibly kind and generous person.

And I just want to say that even when I'm disagreeing with posters here, its not because I don't want to hear it. In fact I need to hear what people think objectively in order to make some kind of decision. No-one we know has told me outright to leave him. They all keep telling me how much he loves me, that he is messed up and makes mistakes but ultimately I'm the love of his life. That's why I can't just walk away.

I'm actually doing alot to help myself while we are on this break. I've started attending counselling myself (thats kinda why I snapped Bottle of Smoke...bit of a sore point). I'm reading alot of books about how to get out of bad relationships. I've thrown myself into my work and have made alot of plans to go out with friends.

I asked him a few weeks ago why he said some of those horrible things he said...ie like the sister comment. He said he doesn't know but its something hes working on with his counsellor, but what he did know is that those comments never ever reflected what he truly thought.

I suppose the real reason I posted this in the first place is that I am wondering if there is anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and come out the other side of it? Either by finding the strength to leave the situation or by staying in the situation and giving the person the chance to get better and are ultimately thankful that they did?

Fair play to you. Focus on the positive experiences you can get out of this.

TBH I have a friend in a similar situation to you, she's been with a guy for 3 years who pretty much picks her up/drops her when he wants, meets other girls he says are better than her and when that goes wrong he's on the phone to my friend crying at 4am that he made a big mistake... :rolleyes:

It's taken her this long to get herself together and it's now about a month or so that she's dumped him and refuses to have any contact with him which is a good thing for her but I know she finds it hard as she really loved him. She even says now that she can't be bothered trying to meet someone else as she is so worn out by his carry on.

It's your life and your decision but I think you're so young to be holding out for this guy who may never be able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve.

zxcvbnm1 · 28-03-2009 12:16am

A previous poster said it best when they mentioned that little will have changed in a month.

Therapists are just people to chat with.
Presumably he meets the therapist once a week for an hour or so?

Therapists don't work miracles.

Nothing will change in a month.
In all likelihood nothing will have changed in a year and nothing will have changed in 5 years.

The bottom line is the relationship is not a good one.

You have given the relationship a go and it hasn't worked from the off.
Wake up and smell the coffee !!

Quite clearly you do have security and confidence issues yourself.

OP - you say you 'don't have the strength to leave'.

Thsi is where the issue lies.

You need to focus on building strength to enable you to leave rather than focussing your energies on trying to make the relationship work.
The relationship has already failed.

NickNolte · 28-03-2009 12:48am

Leave him before he destroys your life.

thekinks · 28-03-2009 1:49am

you have taught him how to treat you.

make the most of your life, there are way too many opportunities out there.

good luck.

CDfm · 28-03-2009 9:08am

OP- you guys do rollercoaster rides very well but real life is a bit less emotional. 24 & 27 is not old but life should be more pleasant.

You say the guy is insecure - so what is this month of a break supposed to do? To see if he will change.Thats a bit spectatorish isn't it.Change what -his socks?

The 2 of you need to take a reality check. If you love each other whats all this being nasty to one another all about.

And him - yes his parents seperation has made him insecure and when you guys met you werent the only one? So yes he may be insecure.

He suffers from deppression and he is out getting drunk at parties - not smart with depression:mad: are you sure its really depression in the medical sense?

I dont for one minute think you have low self esteem but are looking for reasons to blame the split on.

If you are as into the guy as you claim to be you would be out with him this morning shopping in Tesco or feeding the ducks and patting his ass. Thats what loving couples do.

Most couples get on with life without this drama - why dont you guys sit down and make some sort of a pact to be nice and respectful to one another.

You guys seem to over analyse it and I think you should call him up today and see if there is anything positive in your relationship thats worth saving and building on. Forget the months break - if there is nothing forget it and move on.

IF there is something there start being nice and civil to one another from now on and see if you can be constructive enough to make each other happy. Councellors wont change you only you can do that.

ellie1 · 28-03-2009 5:24pm

op, i have been in the same position. The guy in question was the nicest and funniest guy. He loved me . Then slowly but surely he changed. Just a little at the start and would blame it on his bad childhood, his father, his issues,society and everybody eles. And just like you , i thought i couldnt walk away.

He promised this that and the other. Promised he would go to counselling et etc etc etc. All a load of bollox. It took a lot for me to walk away but I was emotionally shattered with the constant mind games and emotional abuse. I turned into a person I didnt recognise. I thought i was losing the plot. I did get out eventually( lots of good friends, counselling) and have since got on with my life....

He still texts occassionally teling me how **** his life is, how sorry he is for the things he said and did, how much he loves me. BULL****.

My advice still stands. You cannot save this man nor can you rescue him. I choose to save myself from a life of misery, lies, mind games, head ****s. Look after yourself first.

LegacyUser · 29-03-2009 4:18pm

Hi,

I've been thinking about your problem. I sympathise. Part of your confusion is that the due to the situation's ongoing, very current nature you're bang, smack in the middle of it at the moment, right now... carefully trying to just even begin processing it. To top it all you're also trying to intuit what is the best thing to do for you. It's like trying to drive a car while simultaneously looking under the bonnet at the engine. Impossible, but a really natural part of the whole process of negotiating the best future for yourself.

The really awful thing about these situations is that the crap (for want of a better word) that you're enduring at the same time from him is, as you've suggested, very disempowering. It's hard to take a clear view when you're busy avoiding the slings, arrows (and direct on-target hits) of his erratic head-wrecking behaviour. Working this out will take time, but you've taken - for you - the space of one month. I don't think you're waiting for him to change. I think you're waiting for your own head and heart to catch up with it all.

If you really try and give yourself this space your inner sense of guidance will return. You will begin to reveal to yourself how you are truly feeling. I know though, that the machine of the heart can throw some pretty heavy stuff at the head (and vice versa), so be prepared for those moments. Hold tight.

Keep going to the counsellor. You need him/her right now. And keep, keep talking to friends. Maybe if you have some older friends too, they can support you. I'm not suggesting that their lives may be any less crazy...heaven knows:-)...but experience can speak volumes. A less black and white, more empathetic view may be the one you need.

All the very best, you sound like a pretty sussed out person in a pretty human situation. I've every belief that you will get there in the end.

CDfm · 29-03-2009 6:18pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

I've been thinking about your problem. I sympathise. Part of your confusion ...as you've suggested, very disempowering. It's hard to take a clear view when you're busy avoiding the slings, arrows

Keep going to the counsellor. You need him/her right now. And keep, keep talking to friends.

All the very best, you sound like a pretty sussed out person in a pretty human situation. I've every belief that you will get there in the end.

I am always kind of struck when I hear these situations where people repeat the same thing and hope that there will be a different outcome.

To absolve you OP of any blame or responsibility for your own life is not really useful.Its a lazy option but thats not trying to take away from how upset you are.

It looks OP that currently you want to sit on the fence neither addressing the issue or blaming your b/f. The reality is OP you could be in this situation no matter who you dated. This is not blaming you OP.

Your b/f may well be unhappy but thats not medical depression -which only a doctor can diagnose. You OP may love/ be infatuated with the guy but that doesnt mean he is the cause of all lifes problems.

It would be much healthier for you OP to list out what needs he fullfills, what you want from life (whether these are realistic aspirations) and whether or not you can achieve it together.

It also would make more sense having decided whether or not there is a future to assess this jointly via counselling. I mean how mad would it be if his counsellor is telling him you bring out the worst in him and yours tells you to give it a shot.

I hope your decisions bring you happiness but really take some responsibilty and I mean that in a positive way about doing positive things to improve your life.

Life is not an endurance test or an ordeal.

lynsalot · 29-03-2009 8:08pm

Hi OP
It must be so terribly hard for you - well done for posting here because it can be very hard to hear other people's criticisms on your situation.

This is what I think...

He is emotionally draining you. You are trying your best to "cure" his problems but the truth is you cannot. You mentioned he suffers from depression - I think he should be seeing his doctor about getting anti - depressants rather than counselling. The counselling would help if there was single or recurrent time in his life that caused these emotions. From the sound of it, he has clinical depression and from time to time questions his decisions, over analyses arguments, probably acts quite needily and desperate and reliant on you.

Believe me, I'm sure if he did treat his clinical depression, things would improve. He would be more rational and things wouldn't get to the stage where he doubts his feelings for you. I don't know your relationship but it sounds like you both do love each other. I think he's finshing it hard to come to terms with his feelings - and this expresses itself as him wondering if he loves you. the truth is he does but he's very confused.

You've invested a lot of your time and emotions with this person and I don't think you shold walk away. I think you should try to work it out. I honestly believe he can be helped and things can improve.

Your self confidence is rock bottom. You have to start looking after yourself. recognise that these outbursts, are his problem and not yours. You have your own life and you need to separate the two situations. This is something he needs to deal with and will need your support but make it clear it's not at the expense of your emotional wellbeing. He can't expect to keep insulting you and breaking up and getting back together. I would suggest talking to him and bringing up going to his doc for medication.

Anyway whatever you decide to do I hope things improve and work out for you. You still are a strong person - it's just been pushed under wraps for the past while. Go out with your fiends and enjoy yourself. This is his issue not yours. And I hope he gets help and you two sort things out.

Take care xx

LegacyUser · 30-03-2009 4:06pm

Hi op here, I would just really like to thank everybody for their advice and opinion. Just one comment as a few people have mentioned it....

Yes he has been diagnosed as having clinical depression. He was on anti-depressants for about 5 years and came off them last year. It was agreed by his doctor and himself that they were doing absolutely no good for him. He needs proper counselling, not drugs. In saying that if he made the decision to go back on them I would support him 100%, however his problems will be there drugs or not. However I know that they work for some people. The other thing is that he is recieving cognitive behavioural therapy. A few mentioned that all therapists do is listen to you talk. Thats not strictly true. I won't go into it here but cognitive behavioural therapy is a quite action-based type of therapy rather than the other 'talky' kind.

The last thing is that a few people have mentioned that I should take responsiblity for my part in all this. My boyfriend suffers crippling clinical depression. It was there well before I arrived. I did not cause this, and I have no part to play in how he is feeling. All I do is support him. And the reason that I'm finding it so hard is that it is an incredibly exhausting and draining thing to be the person who becomes the outlet for anothers issues, no matter how much you love them.

CDfm · 30-03-2009 10:43pm

OP I wasnt making light of it.

Just saying that being depressed does not excuse one being an asshole.Respect is essential to a relationship.

So is making a life plan and on what you both can offer. How would you fit together etc in the long term -would it work out financially etc.

Its obvious you love him BTW.

You cant expect him to take the blame for everything- but all this we tell each other everything stuff is scary. You want to see the best of someone and be attracted to them in a real way.