Counselling after a break up

LegacyUser

Dear all

I am starting counselling this week to help me get back on my feet after the break up of a relationship. I have a couple of other pressures on me at the moment so my decision to approach a counsellor wasn't purely because of the break up but it is the main reason. And I want to stop feeling so anxious all the time.

The relationship ended very unexpectedly just before Christmas. I took it very badly, was incredibly hurt and in the months that followed I struggled to come to terms with the fall out that happens when two people break up - it was my first serious relationship. I am in my mid 20's.

Arguments followed, alot of hurtful and hateful things were said and done by both of us as we tried to stay friends. It has been without doubt the most tramatic experience I have ever gone through in my life.

We are now not on talking terms at all and I am quite sure he hates me...or more than likely doesn't care that I walk the same planet as him. This was never what I wanted especially with my first love.

I contacted him last night to let him know that I am getting help and trying to get my life back on track. I asked him if he would consider meeting up with me in over 6 months time when the whole thing has blown over. I got no reply and he probably won't any time soon, if ever. He doesn't recognise who I am any more and I don't recognise who he has become. It's Sh1t.

My questions:

1. Does counselling help? Or will I ultimately need my Ex to forgive me in order to give me peace of mind? I feel very guilty about what I have done but I couldn't help how I reacted to what he was doing to me. I became defensive. He never apologised for anything he didn't after the break up so that is something that has hurt me.

2. Have you ever become friends with an Ex after arguments that damaged the friendship?

I know all of you will say move on and forget about him. I have dated other people since so I am getting out and enjoying myself but he was my first love, first proper boyfirend and I feel sick about how it has turned out.

Advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'm sure counselling will help a lot. It will probably just be you talking out your thoughts which is a great way of feeling better.

He might not hate you, he could be just wary of getting in contact, I'd put that behind you and maybe someday you'll be better able to get on better terms.

Henry Ford III

1/. Counselling may help, but may not. Why the guilt?

2/. I'd advise no further contact. Why bother? What is there to be gained?

LegacyUser

Henry Ford III wrote: »

1/. Counselling may help, but may not. Why the guilt?

2/. I'd advise no further contact. Why bother? What is there to be gained?

Thanks for your reply.

Guilt - because of the horrible things I said when fighting with him - but he has hurt me too...

What is to be gained? Well ,a friendship with someone I shared so much with and whom i reallly care about despite the fights we've had.

Beetlebum

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

Guilt - because of the horrible things I said when fighting with him - but he has hurt me too...

What is to be gained? Well ,a friendship with someone I shared so much with and whom i reallly care about despite the fights we've had.

I understand exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is and how anxious and low you are feeling. I was in the exact same situation two years ago when myself and my ex broke up. We had been together 4 years and I was devasted when we split. We both ended up doing/saying really nasty things in the aftermath of the break up and I was a complete mess.

Like you, I was convinced my ex hated me and that was true for a while. Partly I hated him too but my hatred stemmed from hurt and love. I gave him space and now 2 years on we are friends. I love the guy and have never stopped caring him. He loves me too but we know we are not compatible romantically. As friends though we get along great. I NEVER thought we'd reach this stage. Hand on my heart I never thought we'd be civil again but time healed our wounds and rebuilt our friendship.

Try not to panic cause you run the risk of texting/calling or emailing him too much. Time and distance are vital at this point. Councelling is a positive step too. Try not to think in terms of 'never'..we'll never speak again etc. Just take deep breathes and take each day at a time.

Be strong, you can and will come out teh other side.

Big hugs

Beetlebum

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

Guilt - because of the horrible things I said when fighting with him - but he has hurt me too...

What is to be gained? Well ,a friendship with someone I shared so much with and whom i reallly care about despite the fights we've had.

I understand exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is and how anxious and low you are feeling. I was in the exact same situation two years ago when myself and my ex broke up. We had been together 4 years and I was devasted when we split. We both ended up doing/saying really nasty things in the aftermath of the break up and I was a complete mess.

Like you, I was convinced my ex hated me and that was true for a while. Partly I hated him too but my hatred stemmed from hurt and love. I gave him space and now 2 years on we are friends. I love the guy and have never stopped caring him. He loves me too but we know we are not compatible romantically. As friends though we get along great. I NEVER thought we'd reach this stage. Hand on my heart I never thought we'd be civil again but time healed our wounds and rebuilt our friendship.

Try not to panic cause you run the risk of texting/calling or emailing him too much. Time and distance are vital at this point. Councelling is a positive step too. Try not to think in terms of 'never'..we'll never speak again etc. Just take deep breathes and take each day at a time.

Be strong, you can and will come out the other side.

Big hugs

LegacyUser

Beetlebum wrote: »

I understand exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is and how anxious and low you are feeling. I was in the exact same situation two years ago when myself and my ex broke up. We had been together 4 years and I was devasted when we split. We both ended up doing/saying really nasty things in the aftermath of the break up and I was a complete mess.

Like you, I was convinced my ex hated me and that was true for a while. Partly I hated him too but my hatred stemmed from hurt and love. I gave him space and now 2 years on we are friends. I love the guy and have never stopped caring him. He loves me too but we know we are not compatible romantically. As friends though we get along great. I NEVER thought we'd reach this stage. Hand on my heart I never thought we'd be civil again but time healed our wounds and rebuilt our friendship.

Try not to panic cause you run the risk of texting/calling or emailing him too much. Time and distance are vital at this point. Councelling is a positive step too. Try not to think in terms of 'never'..we'll never speak again etc. Just take deep breathes and take each day at a time.

Be strong, you can and will come out the other side.

Big hugs

Aw thank you. I hope it does eventually turn out like your situation. I don't want to hate him and yeah I still love him so it's hard. What's heartbreaking is the thought that he might hate me and will never even stand in same room as me ever again. I want him to be a close friend in time. When did you and your ex start to talk again like normal?

LegacyUser

Me again. I'm just going to give up on it. He doesn't want to know. He emailed me back saying as much. :-(

Thanks for all your replies :-(

Beetlebum

Unregistered wrote: »

Aw thank you. I hope it does eventually turn out like your situation. I don't want to hate him and yeah I still love him so it's hard. What's heartbreaking is the thought that he might hate me and will never even stand in same room as me ever again. I want him to be a close friend in time. When did you and your ex start to talk again like normal?

Sorry, this is the link I meant to post!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054952055

Have a read through this, it may help you. I was in bits during this time and he told me he despised me. I knwo every situation is different but maybe reading this will give you some hope.

Everybody told me to move on and forget about him and I probably should have but I'm actually glad that we're friends now despite all the bad **** we put each other through.

I hope it works out for you. At the moment (and always) you should be number one in your life. Take care of yourself, pamper and love yourself. I know that sounds so soppy and self-help booky but it's true.

Cormb

Hello
I am sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time at the moment.
To echo what has been said by others, I think the counselling would be of benefit. Theres nothing to be lost by trying it.

I know people who have tried it for all sorts of reasons and all have come back saying they were glad they did it. It helped them work through a number of their issues/concerns and gave them a good perspective on their circumstances.

Good luck and I hope you pull through this.

Be positive

Leslie91

Unregistered wrote: »

Me again. I'm just going to give up on it. He doesn't want to know. He emailed me back saying as much. :-(

Thanks for all your replies :-(

Counselling will help defo provided u get a good one and you are both compatible. Unfortunately there are many chancers out there masquerading as counsellors. Try and get one recommended.

I went through a desperate break up in '99 and it still bothers me now and again. I'm the man btw. There is no way I could ever consider being 'friends' with her. But this is because of the circumstances, all are different. So I am not saying it is not possible to be friends with an ex.

Best of luck, been there, know how hard it is.

LegacyUser

same thing happened to me, so many awful things were said and i mean awful!! we were away from each other for a about 6 months, we both saw other people. said and done some awful things. she finally texted me and chatted, sorted our differences together, fell in love again, got her life sorted with her family and education and she is twice the girl. been honest sometimes girls dont think. they rush into things without thinking how this person is good for them. she realised that now and we never fight!!

do what ur heart tells u and dont be listening to other people on here including me, only u can make that decision!!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

do what ur heart tells u and dont be listening to other people on here including me, only u can make that decision!!

here here

ron_darrell

With all due respect, leave the guy alone. Are you really after a renewed friendship here or are you just trying to make yourself feel better? It's over and it's time to move on. From his reply it's obvious he's decided that he's completely done with you, maybe you should make the same decision. There is no going back after a breakup, especially one that was as acrimonious as you seem to suggest it was. Leave it alone, time will scab it over and you'll eventually find someone new.

scarymoon1

hi op,

your story sounds just like me. i broke with my ex about a year ago. we both argued, i said awful awful awful things to him. now he hates me. I havn't spoken to him in over two months now. and it's better that way - it doesn't hurt as much. i think he has a new gf now. anyway - i got and still am getting counselling to get over it. and it has helped me greatly. if you want to ask me any more questions about it feel free to email me or whatever. or just reply to my thread

LegacyUser

i think you should definitely give him space. I've never stayed in contact with anyone I've gone out with. Maybe thats immature on my part but when I'm hurt, I just cut my losses. why prolong the agony? can you really be friends with him if you still like him? ive been in your position and its hard but i think when you're away from him, you'll be able to recover and hopefully meet someone else...onwards and upwards!!!:)

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all the comments.

I woke up and smelled the coffee last week just before my first counselling session. Told my Ex where to go too and I feel a million times better. I don't want him in my life and I have lost all respect for him after how he treated me.

I'm glad it's over and my advice to anyone who has been treated badly by an partner or Ex is to move on. Cut them out of your life for good. There are 1000's of other people out there who will treat you so much better and they WILL appreciate YOU for who YOU are. Don't waste your time on people who are not worth it and who simply don't care about anyone except themselves.

I have regained the confidence my Ex tried to destroy in me. I have put plans I had for my future back on track and I have met people in the past number of months whom i never would have gotten to know if I was still in that relationship. One of them is someone I am falling madly in love with despite my best efforts and them with me! So it's a happy ending for me and it's what I deserve. I can't describe in words how good a new and uncomplicated relationship feels.

Best of luck to others and yeah counselling is good. It's allows YOU to take control and allows you the clarity to see things through.

Thanks again :-)