Is this cheating???

LegacyUser

Discovered last night that other half has been responding to personal ads online....he said he's not done anything and that I was wrong to look through his emails (it was wrong of me I know but I had a suspicion something was up). He said he loves me and he's sorry and he'd never have followed through but would you be able to trust him? I feel hurt, sick and angry.

magick

while he hasnt done anything physically, mentally hes straying, personally i think u need to sit down and have a long talk about this.

IRISH RAIL

PLUS 1 ON THE LONG TALK
i would seriously think about things what if he is lying and has met up with someone ? you knew something was up so there must have been some alarm signals going off.

peekyboo

Yes Yes Yes it IS cheating. Why is he responding to these ads? He is actively seeking out & responding to people looking for sex or relationships while he is still in a relationship with you - that is cheating! He says he hasn't gone any further but how do you know this? Why is he doing it in the first place??

Please think about what he is doing - you are worth so much more than this!

Setun

He may just be massaging his ego, but still I'd be sitting him down for a bit of a chat.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm in such a weird place mentally right now I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be in contact with him today and I just think that if I had not read the emails I wouldn't be any the wiser and today I'd be as happy as I was beforehand! I am literally shaking with the feeling of wanting to be sick and I know it's this that has caused it!

Joey the lips

Agree with Daddio. It could be an ego thing. A friend of mine has been replying to them he said the responses are unbelievable so he could be just curious.

My o/h would be of the same impression as you so I would not use it even as a laugh.

Men are shallower than women on these so I would not be as judgemental it could just be a curiosity thing.

PS: If he was really hiding something he would have made sure to delete the history.

cooperla

Think this one falls into a very gray area. I would agree with the possibility of being an ego thing as others have mentioned.

However, on the other side of the coin it can kind of be compared with flirting. I know many people flirt a bit from time to time with no intention of anything, except maybe to boost their confidence a bit.

That being said, it seems to me what your bf was doing was more than harmless flirting. While he may have meant absolutely no harm, I presume he would have gone through the trouble to create an account on at least one dating site, and this to me implies more than harmless flirting.

A serious chat is in order IMO.

Good Luck

axer

Flirting is different to this because flirting does not require any effort as such.

People have different levels as to what they consider cheating. If intent was there then it is cheating.

LegacyUser

My oh too.. I found a page of his where girls were sending him messaged. I cant see what he has been saying to them but im pretty sure its not about the weather. Im so confused also. I spoke to him and he said it was just flirting but had I not have seen it. I would be playin happy go lucky too... ???? i just dont know what to do.. He was listed as single too! Looking fo friends and networking

cantdecide

In itself it may not be a sign that he has cheated. I know a guy in his mid twenties who's a non-practicing player, engaged to his long term GF and she could turn her back for a sec and he's be chatting up the hottest girl in the place. It's his instincts and an ego trip to know that he still has it.

That is not to say he isn't interviewing for a replacement. How long are you going out? People often end up in relationships but not bothering to cancel their online dating accounts by way of having their ego stroked. Is that a possibility???

It's still deeply disrespectful to you. If you allow him to believe it's forgivable, you may permit him to do it again. In other words, even if you have to fake it a bit, throw your dummy on the floor over it this time...

carolinearc

It's obvious he is going to meet the other girls. Also if he is in a relationship with you why he have to chat or meet other people. It is cheating behind your back.

star-pants

Personally there's a fine line between just random harmless flirting/ego massaging & looking for something more. If he's listed as single & messaging girls I wouldn't be happy. To invest time in lookin up girls to email & respond to them is not good.
I would suggest a sit down chat with him & find out what's what. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him how he feels. It's something that upsets you and makes you feel uncomfortable so is he willing to keep that up knowing what its doing?

Blue_Wolf

This happened between 2 of my mates there about month back. Funny actually especially as he had a cheating background many moons ago. He claimed that his godfather asked him to check out a bird online so he registered to check her out. Personally I would go onto a porn site to check out a bird. These dating websites, you really don't have much of an excuse to go onto them and register unless your looking for something on the side. There's no if's buts or maybes.

Unregistered wrote: »

Discovered last night that other half has been responding to personal ads online....he said he's not done anything and that I was wrong to look through his emails (it was wrong of me I know but I had a suspicion something was up). He said he loves me and he's sorry and he'd never have followed through but would you be able to trust him? I feel hurt, sick and angry.

Blue_Wolf

Oh and to answer your question, no it's not cheating as he hasn't done anything.....yet.

Otis Driftwood

Personally if I discovered an O/H was emailing random guys I would be well pissed off.To me its not too different from going out and chatting up/flirting with strangers.Nothing physical has happened as yet but all it takes is one person to turn their head.

Katgurl

i am so sorry to read your post as it reminds me of a previous relationship of mine - completely toxic. My advice would be to finish with him as he was clearly intending to cheat. The accusations about you being wrong to read his mails jumped out at me too - while i agree you shouldn't have, its a classic manipulation thing to distract.

Look at it this way, can you really trust him now?

LegacyUser

Im so sorry to hear about this OP, I was in a similar situation to yourself a couple of years ago. It was the worst feeling in the world, unlike you I could read what he had said and it made me sick to the stomach. In a way I think I would of taken a drunken one night stand better as it was more than one dating site and these were conscious acts.

For me personally it totally destroyed me self confidence and I actually went so far as avoiding nights out etc and felt like I needed to be there to monitor him 24/7. He told me like your guy that he`d never met these women and now I did believe him on that but the stuff that had been messaged between them, he`d clearly been at it a while and relationships had built up and some of the stuff that was being said was stuff that he would never in a million years have said to me, Id have to beg for a compliment yet these women are "sexy" and "stunning" etc, I think it is just so unbelievably cruel.

Intentionally or unintentionally its one of the most hurtful things Ive had done to me.We stayed together anyway on the basis that it wouldnt happen again, fair enough, nobodys perfect, to be honest I believe everybody deserves a 2nd chance and I did think maybe it was an ego thing for him.Unfortunately it happened again and again and I started to believe any lies I was told and I was made to feel paranoid about the whole thing, in the end I had to get out, it was obvious he had become addicted to this and lying to my face was something he could do quite easily.

Now I really hope yours is a one off and just a curiosity ego thing but if it does happen again I would recommend getting out, I dont think I could explain how much this affected my personality and health, it just eats away at you wondering what have these women got that I havent.The more I think back on it, the women werent even that good looking so it had to be the buzz of the reply and the compliments or something.But I know exactly what your going through at the moment and its just a very tough situation, once the trust is hit like that you start to question everything.

As for checking his mails, obviously something sparked your suspicions. If I was you, I would keep an eye on the history going forward, from experience, Im not saying all men are the same but its nice to have some back up on your side so your not the one who somehow ends up apologising like I used to even though I was the one torn apart by this and he was the one having multiple video interactions etc with women all over the place.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If I found out my girlfriend was messageing guys on a dating site it would be over, no middle ground. He can't be that interested in you if he's looking elsewhere

littlesurfer

what ever about the physicalities of cheating/not cheating...what he was doing was decietful and disrespectful. if it was me i would be out of there like a shot...he obviously craves more attention than one woman can give him and that wont change.

also his reaction about you checking his mails makes me think he was more bothered that you found out in the first place.....not that i believe in checking mails!

LegacyUser

You know what OP guys do these type of things and plenty more besides get over it !