Ever have a friend turn on you?

Zeeta

Well as a grown woman with a career I am in the unfortunate position of having a so-called friend turn on me for no reason! Literally overnight things just changed and no explanation has been given. Now I have learned that mistruths are being spread by her about my other my friendships and I am beginning to feel that people will turn against me. I feel utterly powerless by the level of the poison and am starting to doubt myself.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How would I over come this?

Jules

moved from tLL.

satcie101

This has happened to me, many a time. I think that as women we always pit ourselves against eachother. We always compare eachother in terms of popularity sucess, attractiveness & relationships. In my experience it comes down to one of the two people in the friendship feeling threatned, jealous or left behind. Usually the behavior you are talking about is a way of them trying to redress the balance.

It is a very hurtful thing when someone you trusted throws it back in your face. What I'm saying probably won't change the feelings of hurt and betrayal you feel, but I find it helps in coming to terms with it, if you understand the negative feelings and insecurities in the person that led them to behave that way.

biko

Zeeta wrote: »

How would I over come this?

I would suggest go to the source and see if you can't find out what the trigger was.

Zeeta

satcie101 wrote: »

This has happened to me, many a time. I think that as women we always pit ourselves against eachother. We always compare eachother in terms of popularity sucess, attractiveness & relationships. In my experience it comes down to one of the two people in the friendship feeling threatned, jealous or left behind. Usually the behavior you are talking about is a way of them trying to redress the balance.

It is a very hurtful thing when someone you trusted throws it back in your face. What I'm saying probably won't change the feelings of hurt and betrayal you feel, but I find it helps in coming to terms with it, if you understand the negative feelings and insecurities in the person that led them to behave that way.

Thank you. That is reassuring. I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong. It isn't my problem but theirs.

Magnus wrote: »

I would suggest go to the source and see if you can't find out what the trigger was.

I have, repeatedly. No explanation..

littlesurfer

do you think you could have done something unintenionally to upset her? it seems strange that someone would turn so quickly

shezzie

it probably aint anything you did zeeta i was friends with a girl since i was 12 we are now 32 and last year she totally turned on me..i was to be her bridesmaid we were very good friends..what she did though was bump into a male ex friend of mine who i had enormous trouble with he hit me and hurt me alot one of my other friends was there one night he followed me out of a pub with a glass in his hand saying he was going to glass in the face and get me though before he had a chance plain clothes gardai came and took him away..knowing this info at hand they both convieniently forgot this last year and said very hurtful things like i made all this stuff up about him even though one of them was there on one event and the mate that started the hassle last year saw the bruises...i had to get rid of him out my life by reporting him to the gardai and get a solicitor letter to him...even showing my friends this letter they still said i made it up...crazy they too also started rumours to my other friends...the only advice i can give you is if your mates are your mates and they know you they should know whether you would say such nasty things...and if they dont your better of without them trust me on that one

it took alittle while into the hassle last year to just freeze them totally out it was hard after 20 years...she is now trying to say sorry if nothing ever happened saying she misses my friendship...i dont think so...

Joey the lips

I am mystified why this happens and I have only ever seen it happen with women. Do any men experience this and how do they solve it?

watna

Yes, it has happened to me - including the spreading of mistruths. It was a horrible situation because the girl in question was actually mentally ill and was having a bit of a paranoid manic phase. I just bowed out and tried my best to ignore it all - I knew that it was more complicated then her just turning on me. She had a bit of a breakdown shortly after and disappeared off the radar.

That was a few years ago and it is still having consequences. I'll meet someone I haven't seen in a while and they'll say something crazy that I'm supposed to have said or done and I have to gently as possible correct them and explain the situation. There is still one person (who was a lot closer to her than me) who doesn't speak to me any more. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to have done but I'm sure whatever he was told I did was awful and if it were true he'd have a reason to not talk to me. I wasn't really that close to him so I try to ignore it but it is hurtful that people think awful things about you and sometimes you can't defend yourself.

I would try again to get to the bottom of it. Can you invite this person out for a coffee and tell them how upset you are and tell them you want to sort it out? You might have to be a bit more persistant. I know how upsetting hearing lies about yourself can be but if I had had the opportunity to sort it out with the girl I was friends with I would have - unfortunatly she wasn't up for rational discussion. You have that chance so I think you should try your best to get an explanation. Unless, of course your situation is similar to mine and the girl in question has deeper issues.

Are any of the mistruths even vaguely true i.e. exaggerations or are they blatantly crazy lies?

holdmyhand?

cut your losses and move on. if she is prepared to just cut you out of your life, without giving you reason or explananation then she must not be as decent as your percieved her to be.

my best friend move to the states in november and while i tried my best to try and stay in touch etc she just wasnt interested. so i just wrote her a letter, saying thanks for the good times etc our years of friendship ment alot, we are now goin in diff directions and i wish you the best etc.... also metioning i would always be here for her. like for me it was kinda closure, like i had done my best it was up to her.

idontknowmyname

This happened to me a few years ago in college. Was best mates with a girl, we clicked at the start of first year- 2 years later I came into the classroom and saved her the usual seat as I got there first- she completely ignored me and sat with a bunch of girls she always bitched about. I'd no idea why!! She kept doing that and ignoring me, I had other friends in the class so I wasn't reliant on her for that, the other friends started asking me had we had a fight- told them what was going on and that I didn't have a clue!! They were disgusted with her. She really hurt me but it was her problem, not mine!
have had stuff like this happen a lot, can only deem that it's something going on with them, not me. I just move on with my life as they're not worth the effort.

Gyalist

Joey the lips wrote: »

I am mystified why this happens and I have only ever seen it happen with women. Do any men experience this and how do they solve it?

That's been my experience too. I've only ever seen it happen between women who were once very close friends. Men tend to fight and then have a drink and forget about it or just let the friendship drift completely but without the spitefulness. I'm sure it happens between men but it must be very rare.

missmatty

It has happened to me twice, friends of several years standing just dropping me like a hot potato. One, for a very trivial reason, the other, I still don't know to this day why. I know for a fact I'm a good person and that this has happened to other people i know who are also good people. While i was very upset at the time, I've come to see that it's their loss really.

*Honey*

It happens and I can only ever put it down to jealously - why I don't know, I know when it's happened to me I had nothing I could imagine anyone would be jealous of!

I say those of your "friends" who believe sh1tty rumours about you are not friends in the first place... anyone who wishes to believe crap about you should just be cut out. You learn who to trust and not trust. Some people are only out for themselves and will play the game as long as it suits them. Don't get too upset about it - it's their loss not yours.

Zeeta

Thanks for the replies everyone.. It is reassuring to know that people have been through similar things to me. It is nothing I have done, believe me I would be the first to admit any wrongdoing. Can't help feeling guilty and keep going through things. Feel rotten that people may now think badly of me. Have no energy to go around clearing my name as the accusations are so ludacris that those who genuinely care for me should know to dismiss them.

The betrayal is the worst. I feel a bit hollow and alone at times. Having talked to people it seems that men in general don't behave in this sneaky manner. This is more a female characteristic. I have tried and tried to get her to speak but I don't think anything I can say will convince her. I am told she needs "time". I need a break from the whole stress. Just have to try and move on in some way. As others have said I should try and believe it's not my problem but theirs.

ceegee

Joey the lips wrote: »

I am mystified why this happens and I have only ever seen it happen with women. Do any men experience this and how do they solve it?

In my experience 99.9% of the time its women who do this. In a way* it comes down to how we react when friend A does something bad to friend B:
Male response - B tells A that he's a c**t - issue is resolved quickly, make up or part ways
Female response - B tells C that A is a c**t - C tells D what B said - D tells A - massive escalation and drama




* a very simplified way with massive generalisations