Am I just a f**k buddy

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 7:54pm #1

Guys.. i have been with a guy almost 3 years... He turns 30 this year.. next month.. So.. we both we ALERGIC to the words boyfriend and girlfriend when we first met.. we began dating .. things were cool for a while.. like casually meeting up.. Nothing serious..

Then as time went on.. 6months.. we went away for weekends. Have a GREAT time together. meeting up mid week for matches, weekends for partying.. We then go away and i ask him.. are we boyfriend and girlfriend.. he kinda freaks.. sayin he hates lables.. makes him feel trapped..

I told him to cop on im not wanting to marry him but are we exclusive.. he says yes.. So afet a while he's blowin hot and cold.. late for things, not calling to say he is.... And i get upset and end it.. He gets upset and gets in contact and we are back!! this happend THREE TIMES.. now the last time we got back (may last year) we never since had the chat... He says he still doesnt like commitment.. we had an incident where one of my mates who i confide in was PISSED and she says ''whats goin on with you too. you(my guy) have ur own seprate life where she(me) is not involved.. (i have only been to his place once... never met his flate mate but met all his other friends). He has the chat with me again how he hate lables ect.. feck it. i think if we are goin out... cinema.. meals.. weekends.. nights out. are we not a couple???

We have amazing sex too by the way.. the best ever...

One night i asked im who is the longest person he has been sleeping with.. I wasnt expectng to here me.... as i concider myslef as more than someone he is sleeping with... . and he said ME!!!!!

SOOO as the title says.. AM I HIS F**K BUDDY.. Im feeling now.. i need to either make a break or take a step. but before i have the conversation with him.. what do you think????

Victor · 22-03-2009 8:04pm

To be fair to other users, please use proper (or even reasonable) punctuation.

Amazotheamazing · 22-03-2009 8:06pm

He's a child and you are wasting your time.

star-pants · 22-03-2009 8:14pm

So 3 years in and he's still freaked out by being called your boyfriend? That's a bit mental IMO, no offence. But I can understand for a few months but after that... ?
He's almost 30 not 17! Sorry but if he freaks out at the thought of any commitment then you have an issue there. As you said you're not asking to marry the chap, but just so you can say 'this is my boyfriend' etc.

To me this might cause bigger issues in time.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 8:24pm

star-pants wrote: »

So 3 years in and he's still freaked out by being called your boyfriend? That's a bit mental IMO, no offence. But I can understand for a few months but after that... ?
He's almost 30 not 17! Sorry but if he freaks out at the thought of any commitment then you have an issue there. As you said you're not asking to marry the chap, but just so you can say 'this is my boyfriend' etc.

To me this might cause bigger issues in time.

I KNOW!!! This is my issue.. I dont mind that he has his space... Jesus I need mine too.. I love my space.. Which is why i liked him so much.. But if he cant say this is my girlfriend.. and I LOVE YOU.. He may never??? I just dont know how understanding i can be. Particularly when he is 30 this year.. Will he be 40 and still wanting to do it this way!!! I know he cares a lot for me.. But I love him and I think i deserve it back. Thing is as with all relationships.. AND IM IN ONE!!! lol.. I love the same things that he does.. share the same interests ect.. I cant imagine not having him around! EVER.. Do you think i should say it to him???? get it done! Part of me is hoping I get a DONT LEAVE out of him but for some reason i dont think I will.. And im not being big headed but I dont think many other girls will put up with that crap.. Or maybe im just not the one he is willing to commit to???

star-pants · 22-03-2009 8:31pm

The only thing you can do to solve this is to talk to him. Explain how you feel, explain your fears etc and see what he has to say. You just want to know where you stand, and that's perfectly understandable. If he cares for you he won't mind discussing this.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 8:41pm

star-pants wrote: »

The only thing you can do to solve this is to talk to him. Explain how you feel, explain your fears etc and see what he has to say. You just want to know where you stand, and that's perfectly understandable. If he cares for you he won't mind discussing this.

Thanks. am i right in thinking if he says he cant say those words that I end the think that we have going on. I love him and love being with him but I dont want to be waiting around for him to decide he wants to have someone else and im left. Or that he never wants this..

Jesus Wept · 22-03-2009 8:41pm

Unregi101 wrote: »

One night i asked im who is the longest person he has been sleeping with.. I wasnt expectng to here me.... as i concider myslef as more than someone he is sleeping with... . and he said ME!!!!!

.....even if you are more than just someone he has sex with, you still also are the person he has had sex with the longest, he answered the question put to him completely accurately.
He likely took the question in the context in which it was asked, which is perfectly fair and logical tbh.

You have to be more direct. I personally think this trait may be a gender thing, but perhaps it's just a people thing.
I think what you really meant to ask him was 'Am I JUST someone you have sex with?', so ask exactly that.

Zaph · 22-03-2009 8:49pm

It's entirely possible to be f*ck buddies for 3 years, I know people who've been in that situation for longer, but their relationships have clearly been defined as purely sexual. They don't go on holidays together, they don't meet up midweek for matches or go to parties together. The people I know who do that sort of stuff are couples. This whole thing of not wanting labels is very immature imo, he's old enough to accept responsibility for what he actually is, your boyfriend. You've said you love him, after 3 years together he should be able to tell you whether he loves you or not, even if you have to ask him out straight. Anything other than an affirmative, and not some half-assed "of course I do" reply, will at least let you know where you stand. What you do after that is entirely up to you, but I'm not sure I could be in an ongoing relationship with someone who thought so little of me.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 8:50pm

The-Rigger wrote: »

.....even if you are more than just someone he has sex with, you still also are the person he has had sex with the longest, he answered the question put to him completely accurately.
He likely took the question in the context in which it was asked, which is perfectly fair and logical tbh.

You have to be more direct. I personally think this trait may be a gender thing, but perhaps it's just a people thing.
I think what you really meant to ask him was 'Am I JUST someone you have sex with?', so ask exactly that.

Ye see.. Rigger this is exactly the comments im so confused over and your right.. Ye see i dont know if im being hormonal ( and i know i am bit right now and i can admit that) .. he is so tactless sometimes with things and not meaning it.. but I still think I need to clear it up im just terrified of the answer.. and that could be good bye!!!

Can I also mention that he is still single on these networking sites. One in particular he has girls TAGGING him on crap and thanking him for comments...

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 8:55pm

Zaph wrote: »

It's entirely possible to be f*ck buddies for 3 years, I know people who've been in that situation for longer, but their relationships have clearly been defined as purely sexual. They don't go on holidays together, they don't meet up midweek for matches or go to parties together. The people I know who do that sort of stuff are couples. This whole thing of not wanting labels is very immature imo, he's old enough to accept responsibility for what he actually is, your boyfriend. You've said you love him, after 3 years together he should be able to tell you whether he loves you or not, even if you have to ask him out straight. Anything other than an affirmative, and not some half-assed "of course I do" reply, will at least let you know where you stand. What you do after that is entirely up to you, but I'm not sure I could be in an ongoing relationship with someone who thought so little of me.

Guys thanks so much .. this is what i need to here.. as you see.. I know i can be moody and uncertain at times and other times I dont really let things get to me... But I have to face up to thinks and your honestly and fankness is what I need. Mates and family just want me to be the happiest but cant look at it objectivly.. His coulture is one where emotion is not pemitted. But i dont think thats an excuse. ..

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 9:53pm

At thirty this guy has had plenty of time to meet different girls and do his thing...if he is this way now i'm afraid thats the final package...

...move on...i've been the girl in this situation...you can try but you wont make him want a relationship with you any more

LegacyUser · 26-03-2009 7:15pm

Hmmmm seems to me like he likes you but cant deal with it???

LegacyUser · 26-03-2009 9:52pm

Yeah he likes you but he doesn't love you and sounds like he's not going to at this stage.
I think where you have said that he still has his status as single on the networking sites would give you the answer you don't want to hear. Apart from everything else, you have been in his flat once, in three years???
He is not your boyfriend, your other half, nothing other than a f*ck Buddy I am afraid to say, three years later please find someone else who will adore you and love for to be able to call you his girlfriend.
The guy sounds like an immature little assh*le

LegacyUser · 27-03-2009 12:37am

Unregi101, hate to say this but you need to stand up for yourself!
Firstly the "single status" thing.....I have mine like this cos I'm not married and to me that IS single...nothing to do with who I love it's just a fact,like ticking a box.
As for the fcuk buddy thing..I have learned the hard way to have The Conversation early on..I just state that I am not looking to be a F-buddy at the start. Now you can back peddle on this and sort it out now.
Also I don't ever bring up "am I your GF?" as it tends to freak some males out.
Your fella has said he wants to be exclusive so that's a good sign. The GF label will usually follow on as a natural progression.
My biggest worry if I were you is the Big Red Flag of NO "I LOVE YOU".
I would take the bull by the horns and tell him you need to hear it. If he can't say it after 3years then it's time for you to say "I love you but you are unsure of your feelings, so I will give you space to sort them out. I deserve to be loved back. Whilst you are sorting out your feelings I will start seeing other men because I deserve to be with someone who loves me,and I can't put my life on hold for someone who is unsure of how he feels. I love you a great deal but I deserve to be loved back".
It's a gamble but I have been where you are right now and it was a rotten limbo land.

LegacyUser · 27-03-2009 11:59am

You havent met his flat mate in 3 years??

OP did it ever cross your mind that he may be married/attached or have other f8ck buddies? This is very strange after this long together you must ask yourself why he won't put a label on it. You need to give him an ultimatum, if you were teenagers it would be different but your not and it's not as if you are getting any younger, it's not the age you can afford to be wasting 3 years in a "relationship" at.

Amy33 · 27-03-2009 3:30pm

I've just walked away from pretty much the same situation, which had been going on for the past two years. I'm 32 and he's 43.

To be honest, I think he had just been waiting for something better to come along and I would do until then.

username123 · 27-03-2009 5:34pm

Unregi101 wrote: »

(i have only been to his place once... never met his flate mate but met all his other friends).

Major red flag - this guy is either married, has a GF, has other F**k buddies or something.......

CDfm · 27-03-2009 5:43pm

No not his **** buddy you are his girlfriend.

On balance the relationship can do little more as under the current regime you have andthere is no future in it.

So you are asking if there is any future in it -nah -its unlikely to go beyond that. Why should it as you are still there.

username123 · 27-03-2009 5:52pm

CDfm wrote: »

So you are asking if there is any future in it -nah -its unlikely to go beyond that. Why should it as you are still there.

Very valid point - you get what you settle for.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2009 9:41pm

username123 wrote: »

Very valid point - you get what you settle for.

i know.. I still love him.. I have grown with him for three years and like who I am when I am with him.. But I want more.. I was tryin to have teh conversation last weekend. but only half got it out.. Sooo.. I was going to say the following. .. let me know what you think.... I know my feelings for you but I feel like i am in nomans land... Im not your girlfrined but more than friends... My feelings have inevitably grown for you but I dont know how you feel.. Clearly after 3 years of on and off we always get back but I understandable get involved ... Maybe more than you but now I need more. And if you cant or dont want to give it then you need to let me know.... If not its ok but you need to let me know....

what you think??????????????????????????

CDfm · 03-04-2009 7:31am

OP - it must be very disconcerting not knowing what the relationship will bring.

You want a real relationship and I can't gauge it but it sounds like you have a positive relationship.

What you have is making you insecure- so you want to know what he wants.

Am I right in thinking he does not want children ever?

So maybe you need to be more practical and say well "I love you and while what we have is good its also bad as it is making me insecure. I need to know what you want so I can see if its what I want too "

You also need to consider what you want so if he says what we have is all I will do -you might say well its not enough for me and look to move on and find the exit.

That would be my feeling.

LegacyUser · 04-04-2009 1:37pm

CDfm wrote: »

OP - it must be very disconcerting not knowing what the relationship will bring.

You want a real relationship and I can't gauge it but it sounds like you have a positive relationship.

What you have is making you insecure- so you want to know what he wants.

Am I right in thinking he does not want children ever?

So maybe you need to be more practical and say well "I love you and while what we have is good its also bad as it is making me insecure. I need to know what you want so I can see if its what I want too "

You also need to consider what you want so if he says what we have is all I will do -you might say well its not enough for me and look to move on and find the exit.

That would be my feeling.

Your spot on and thanks so much for takin the time to reply.. Its hard to talk to ppl your close to about this cuz the clear ans they would give you is GET OUT... And is fair enough.. they just want me to be happy..

it an important point to mention of what he will say.. as i feel he is genuinly happy at the way things are... Thats where I will have to be honest and say well .. Its not enough for me.. as much as i feel for you, feeling insecure is out weighing the good times..

What im sure he will ask is '' what do I want'' and i really dont want to sound demanding but get my point accross.

I want him to start sharing his life more with me (ie let me stay over at his place sometimes.. not all the time as I love my place) . so how do i get that accross without being petty.. I WANT TO STAY AT YOURS.lol..

I want him to be aware of the things i need more.. communication, making me feel wanted and important.. When we are together this is great. But apart it can be non exixtant apart from the x's at the end of the text.. Its not like he cant do it.. He used to send me the I miss you's and the your a great girlfriend (when he called me his girlfriend)... waht u think.. I really apreciate your help

stavstavstav · 05-04-2009 4:16pm

Raise the turn to find out where you're at imo

Salome · 05-04-2009 4:27pm

trish990 wrote: »

I've just walked away from pretty much the same situation, which had been going on for the past two years. I'm 32 and he's 43.

To be honest, I think he had just been waiting for something better to come along and I would do until then.

i think this is pretty spot-on. If he hasn't said he loves you after 3 years, it's unlikely that he sees you as the one he'll spend his life with. I'm inclined to think you're "Miss Right-for-Now".

You need to ask him straight. Be prepared for the answer you don't want to hear though.

CDfm · 05-04-2009 9:58pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Your spot on and thanks so much for takin the time to reply.. Its hard to talk to ppl your close to about this cuz the clear ans they would give you is GET OUT... And is fair enough.. they just want me to be happy..

And you would expect that. What you want out of life may be different to them.

it an important point to mention of what he will say.. as i feel he is genuinly happy at the way things are... Thats where I will have to be honest and say well .. Its not enough for me.. as much as i feel for you, feeling insecure is out weighing the good times..

But relationships are about compromise.You need to be able to say this in a non threadening way.

I get insecure about stuff and it does help to discuss this with my OH -something I would never have done with my ex.

What im sure he will ask is '' what do I want'' and i really dont want to sound demanding but get my point accross.

Why not make a simple list of stuff that would improve your life with the relationship - midweek shag at his gaff as per your post:D

I want him to start sharing his life more with me (ie let me stay over at his place sometimes.. not all the time as I love my place) . so how do i get that accross without being petty.. I WANT TO STAY AT YOURS.lol.

Maybe you need a routine.My girlfriend lives 70 miles away so she stays over certain days and we go out to local bars and resteraunts. I know she will be here for definate 1 night a week and Friday & Saturday & half of Sunday till the kids arrive.

When working out this we discussed me going out with my friends which I normally do twice a week and she kindoff insisted on this. This was something she brought up and I have kids so they had to be slotted too.

OH is smart and we talk.

So you can do something and keep your own space and identity and he his.

.

I want him to be aware of the things i need more.. communication, making me feel wanted and important.. When we are together this is great.

That is very good and you dont want to upset that but you need more..

But apart it can be non exixtant apart from the x's at the end of the text.. Its not like he cant do it.. He used to send me the I miss you's and the your a great girlfriend (when he called me his girlfriend)

I like the relationship/companionship part of our lives and how it moves. She doesn't want kids and I have kids so it blends.

Why dont you sort of work out the bits you would change and what you would keep and the potential deal breakers.

That might be if you want to take the initiative and STAY THE NIGHT you can-that sort of thing.

So what would you change and what compromises will you ask for?

LegacyUser · 05-04-2009 11:16pm

If I were you I would say: "it's been great all this time with you, but now I want a futher commitment and I don't think you are prepared, it's best to stop seeing each other". Smile and walk away, cut all contact.

See how he reactes, give him a couple of months. If he loves you, he should say it and he should ask you to move in together, marry or something serious.

If he doesnt do this, stop wasting your time. And put more value on yourself and on what YOU want

LegacyUser · 06-04-2009 8:55am

Unregistered wrote: »

If I were you I would say: "it's been great all this time with you, but now I want a futher commitment and I don't think you are prepared, it's best to stop seeing each other". Smile and walk away, cut all contact.

See how he reactes, give him a couple of months. If he loves you, he should say it and he should ask you to move in together, marry or something serious.

If he doesnt do this, stop wasting your time. And put more value on yourself and on what YOU want

RIGHT... Im going to bite the bullet.. Last night i stayed in crying at the thoughts of not having him in my life.. All I want is someone to love me me. Every time I go to talk to him things ae great and i cant bear to not be in his arms... I just want someone.. him .. to love me.. He is the only one who understands me and loves what i love ect.. Jesus this is going to be the toughist decision i have ever made.!!!

Mr. Incognito · 06-04-2009 9:48am

He is YOUR boyfriend.

You are HIS bit on the side.

If after three years you haven't even met his flat-mate, mates, family, he is stringing you along until you walk away.

Stop wasting your time.

MadgeBadge · 06-04-2009 10:43am

The whole way through this thread I was thinking, he's not defining the relationship so he can get out of it easily.

If anyone asks him if he has a girlfriend he can easily say no and mean it.

LegacyUser · 06-04-2009 3:34pm

Unregistered wrote: »

RIGHT... Im going to bite the bullet.. Last night i stayed in crying at the thoughts of not having him in my life.. All I want is someone to love me me. Every time I go to talk to him things ae great and i cant bear to not be in his arms... I just want someone.. him .. to love me.. He is the only one who understands me and loves what i love ect.. Jesus this is going to be the toughist decision i have ever made.!!!

C'mon be a woman! sometimes you have to make tough decitions in life. Stand up for yourself. Men respect women who respect themseves, you have nothing to lose. Think of this: if you lose him you are not losing that much because that would mean he wouldnt love you. And you want someone who loves you. Either he's in or out, good luck

pd. he's not the only one who understands you, otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.

Am I just a f**k buddy

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