He is not divorced afterall

LegacyUser

Met my OH about a year ago and we clicked from day one. He let me know he was divorced with one kid and I was ok with it - not ideal but ok..

Fast forward to one month ago, we have moved in and he admits that he is not actually divorced, has no plans to cos it costs too much but has a legal separation and they are split up about 7 years . He says he knew I would leave him if I knew he was not divorced.

I am heartbroken.. I am now living with him and even thought marriage was not immiediately important for me I would like to have kids and I would prefer to be married. Time is not on my side with regard kids and I just do not know what to do...

Day in, day out he is the perfect partner but he doesnt want to talk about it. Says he hopes she will do it cos he cant afford it.

I have waited so many years to meet someone I love this much and with the exception of this BIG issue our lives are perfect?

Am I weak by not leaving him and moving on... I dont know what to do for the best..

MIN2511

He's with you, why do you need "marriage" to have all you want? A piece of paper wouldn't change what you have...

Divorces are expensive and unless you want to save and pay for it i think you should enjoy what you have now

Bottle_of_Smoke

Thats pretty tough, going a year without telling you is a bit ridiculous.

I don't know how much a divorce would cost him but its a pretty important thing, I don't think its reasonable for him to expect you to be ok with it.

tinkerbell

MIN2511 wrote: »

He's with you, why do you need "marriage" to have all you want? A piece of paper wouldn't change what you have...

Divorces are expensive and unless you want to save and pay for it i think you should enjoy what you have now

I don't think it's a case of "needing marriage", I think it's more of a case that the guy she's seeing is still technically married to someone else and lied about it. I don't think it's reasonable for the OP's boyfriend to expect her to be ok with it and not talk about it.

I think the OP's boyfriend should be considering how he's gonna get a divorce because it's not exactly fair on the OP, especially considering he lied to her saying he was divorced in the first place.

kathy2

If the clock is ticking and time is of the essence just get on with it.

If you really cant live with this situation move out and on fast:eek: Like really fast.

There is nothing quite like facing the fact you will never have a biological child, all that ivf and this and that all BS, any go at ivf there is a 20% chance decreasing according to age. Some clinics claim massive success rates but thats after various expensive and invasive treatments, so dont pin your hopes on it will be alright on the night.

All those 60 year olds abroad, gives false hope and reassurance, thats not the real world:mad:

Nervous Wreck

Best advice is to grow up and deal with it. Apart from that silly warm feeling in your heart about being married (i.e. being able to say "I'm married"), there's not really any positives to it. I'm sure anyone who's had a messy separation/divorce would tell you that the whole thing isn't worth the hassle in the end. "Yay, we're married. We're now responsible for each others f*ck-ups.... But at least we can say that we've been married when all this falls apart and we're left paying each others court bills..."

Shut up and leave it alone. It's not worth the paper its printed on.

star-pants

I think it's more a point of the OPs bf said he was divorced. Divorced and separated can mean two different things to some people. It's unfair to give out to the OP for wanting to marry the man she loves, and to be hurt by the fact he wanted so long to reveal this fact. He says she wouldn't have stayed, but that should have been her choice at the time.

OP I know it's hurtful that he didn't tell you the truth - but you do need to weigh up what you have against your need for marriage etc.
If it's good & things are great, is it worth walking away from?
He does need to understand that he should have told you this from the beginning and that it was unfair. But I do think it is something ye can get past. You need to think about what you want, and what he wants, and talk.

LegacyUser

There are a number of issues at play here for me... Firsty he told me a whopper of a lie, not once when we met, but twice and also by omission when I told him that I had told my parents his situation... I asked him out straight and he lied to my face and let me move in with him not knowing all the facts... I feel the relationship is built on a foundation of lies and wonder what else he would lie to my face about...

In my book, seperated is still married. I know there are legal implications to having a formal separation but at the end of the day its very different to being divorced Divorced means being free and I was not let know that he was not free....

I guess at the base of it all is that, in my head i do feel he is still married and I feel a bit ashamed of being in this situation even though it was not of my doing...

I understand that plenty of people will disagree with my views but I am stcuk in the middle of this situation - I am hurt, scared of the future and feel paralysed.

The reason this is in my head to much today is that I read an article on a similar sitaution in the Indo.... He has said this evening he will look into it and I am taking some comfort from that as he had said before that he would only look into it if he needed it....

And there was me thinking we had pretty close to the perfect relationship (for me)....