Friend problem :(

LegacyUser

this is my problem, all advice and input appreciated!

I have a friend, call her Ann. Ann and I lived together (with others also) for 3 years in a row, up until the end of last summer. We became very close very quickly. Then we both became part of an extracurricular team and that coupled with other stresses in our work lives meant that ann was mostly stressed the whole time. Also, she was my team leader and took it way too seriously.(the opinion of may others, not just me)
Any time we were together just hanging out all the talk would be on the team and it was quite draining and stressful. Her boyfriend also moved into town and began staying at our place all the time which annoyed all our housemates, he was practically living there. I eventually talked to her about it and we sorta sorted it out. But things between us had already become pretty strained and distant. Since she moved out and to a different town, I have been making so much effort to keep in contact. I facebook, email, MSN chat, text. I havent gone to visit because it is not possible at this time. She rarely if ever responds, though she will respond to mutual friends. I feel like she doesnt want to be bothered with me anymore and it was upsetting but now I am just pissed off. I know we grew apart a bit, but she has always been someone who would put friends before everything, plus we used to be so so close. I am getting angry now because she is not bothering with me, though I did nothing to get in this position.

I guess its pretty clear I need to speak to her about this. WE have not spoken on the phone for ages and ages. Do u think an email would be ok? I feel could express myself better in writing and not get too emotional. What are your takes on the situation. Sorry for length of this. I appreciate all advice,
thanks,
BL

Craft25

I would ring first & try to arrange going for drinks where you can talk about it face to face. Can you go to her town?

If she is not willing to make time to talk to you in person or on the phone then you could write the e.mail explaining things.

I think it would do no harm to appologise a bit, not take responsibility for everything just a bit of it - maybe for not fully seeing things from her perspective due to the pressure of living & working together something like that. I don't think you really have the right to say someone is taking their position too seriously, regardless of who else agrees with you: if a someone decides to place work high up the priority list in their life thats up to them & as a friend you should try be supportive really. Also i'm sure her relationship meant alot to her.

I'm not saying you were in the wrong, just to say you were sorry you couldnt be more understanding might help.

She shouldnt be blanking you either though, it's a bit silly! maybe she's waiting for you to mention the elephant in the room type of thing.

I completely disagree with Craft.

The email runs the risk of making a bad situation worse.
You don't know what she feels about you at the moment-it could be total derision!

If you email her-you could be just making her think that on a scale of 1 to 10 [where 10 is very pathetic] that you are a 10 instead of a 9.

I'm getting vibes from your post that you are obsessed with her in some way.
My advice to you is simple.
Move on and leave her be.
Stop reading other peoples facebook conversations with her and find yourself an interest that leaves you less time for this obsession.

To be fair to you-you obviously care despite coming across as obsessed but REALLY AND TRULY other more worthwhile people deserve your time other than this person who has effectively dumped you and by so doing betrayed you.

Move on.Delete her number and all contacts and be disiplined about it.
Take a long holiday or a few weekend breaks with your other friends and as I say absorp yourself in that and other things big enough to blank this person from your mind.

Redpunto

Dont stress yourself out about her - move on

LegacyUser

Op here,

no defo not obsessed, just puzzled, I mean we used to be very close and now whilst I'm trying to mke the effort there is nothing in return. Its not obsession, it's not like I think about it 24/7, but it was a good friendship for many years and I don't think I should just forget about it now without one last attempt at making amends.

As for the work thing, I understand if someone places that (though it wasnt work, it was voluntary, but all the same) as a very high proirity. I'm just saying that her obsession with it made cracks in our relationship because we could not spend ANY time doing anything else/talking about anything else, our whole relationship became obsessed with this thing and as a result of this, and her early but very intense relationship with boyfriend, I felt a bit shunted out.

Anyway I may give her a call and see, going to her town is not possible at the moment for various genuine reasons.

thanks very much for your replies

R.D. aka MR.D

I think you need to move on. You don'y need to spend your time chasing after someone who obviously has some sort of problem with you.

Maybe she was angry about the boyfriend conversation or maybe there were parts of your personality that she ended up getting fed up with.

or maybe shes just being irrational as so many girls are about these things!

either way move on, let her come back to you if she want but move on and you'll find yourself happier in time.

change is a part of life and that certainly applies to friendships!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here,

no defo not obsessed, just puzzled, I mean we used to be very close and now whilst I'm trying to mke the effort there is nothing in return. Its not obsession, it's not like I think about it 24/7, but it was a good friendship for many years and I don't think I should just forget about it now without one last attempt at making amends.

As for the work thing, I understand if someone places that (though it wasnt work, it was voluntary, but all the same) as a very high proirity. I'm just saying that her obsession with it made cracks in our relationship because we could not spend ANY time doing anything else/talking about anything else, our whole relationship became obsessed with this thing and as a result of this, and her early but very intense relationship with boyfriend, I felt a bit shunted out.

Anyway I may give her a call and see, going to her town is not possible at the moment for various genuine reasons.

thanks very much for your replies

Sometimes friendships just fade, especially the ones where you become close very quickly. I'd say just and relax things, your friendship was based on being around each other a lot, thats changed and your not used to "long distance" friendship

Its a bitch, but its life

cantdecide

Even very close friendships end. Sometimes for no reason at all. Just let go and don't take it personally. She probably just sees herself in a different place now.

Ironé

Sometimes friendships just end - as you get older and move in different directions. I'd maybe give her some space. An email will just makes things much worse.

If you feel you really want to give it one last try then meet face to face. See how things are just catch up with each other. I think you might be building this all up a bit so maybe don't make a big deal about things. You can just say very casually that you haven't seen each other in ages and should meet up more.