Being molested

LegacyUser

I was Molested when i was young.. it happened a lot from a older teenage Guy That lived on my road..( I was around 11-12 Cant really remeber anything from back then other than this) He has grown up and turned out to be gay..
I have told some people that are really close to me about this stuff and they all listened and thats it really, It felt good people knew this stuff for some reason?

When this happened to me, I thought it was normal and thats the way things where..

Any way down to the question i wanted to ask.. Does this really effect me as a person?
Should i see Shrink about it? Thing is I'm Just numb to the subject in general, And i don't know if this is the right way to feel, Should i be angry? Or depressed(Sometimes happens for no reason at all but i just keep going when it happens).
I see a lot of people get upset about this, and It makes me feel like i should be upset and crying about it too... But i just get numb to it. and accept it for what happened.

I would like someones opinion on this because the other people i have talked to don't really know what to say, other than just give me a huge and say how bad the person was.

stupidsometimes

Talking to a counsellor may help in the longterm. If it isnt something that affects you now it may still affect you down the road when you are in a relationship. It is worth is worth giving it a go but if you don't feel comfortable with the counsellor try another one.

PK2008

If it hasnt affected you then why dwell on it?

Sexual abuse can be (and most often is) very damaging but if you feel it hasnt damaged you then consider yourself lucky.

I would think about reporting it though, while it hasnt damaged you if this guys does it to someone else it could destroy their life

cafecolour

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'numb' to it. If it's not really bothering you, and you don't have any obvious sexual/personal hang-ups that you think can be traced to it, I wouldn't convince yourself it's a big issue you for you just because it's a big issue for a lot of people.

Some people have the constitution suited to shrugging off potentially traumatic events like this, and from what you say, that could be you.

This isn't strictly analogous (what is), but take someone who was jumped randomly and got the s**t kicked out of them. Some people will be much more nervous about going out themselves afterwards, some people will get more aggro looking for revenge, and there are some people who can simply say that sucked, but it's not affecting me and I'm moving on.

Zaph

OP, seeking professional help may well be beneficial to you, but if you don't want to go down that route just yet you might find it useful to contact One in Four (phone 01 662 4070). They're a group set up to help people in your situation and will be able to suggest what approach you should take in dealing with it.

LegacyUser

The thing is Being numb to this. Make me think there is something wrong with me not feeling anything towards it..
And sometimes i am that cold with everyone and everything around me, and other times i am not, It just flips around and i have only recently started to notice this.
I would like to report him and stuff, but would that do any good? And i cant stress out my family with any of this stuff or let any of my not so close friends know, because i will be seen as week, and there is something wrong with me.

Thanks for advice.. will ring those one in 4 dudes on Monday

cafecolour

Definitely ring them - a lot of male victims of sexual molestation won't say anything exactly for the fear of being seen 'as weak' (ie stemming from the misguided thought that, even tho 11, you should have been able to stop him), and they can internalize a lower self-esteem as a result.

Having said that, do be careful not to turn it into too much of a causation just because you are convinced it should be. I can be hot and cold to my friends (as are a large number of people) myself, entirely as a function of whether I'm overall in a more introverted or extroverted mood for the current day or even week.

Loxosceles

HiHowAreYou wrote: »

The thing is Being numb to this. Make me think there is something wrong with me not feeling anything towards it..
And sometimes i am that cold with everyone and everything around me, and other times i am not, It just flips around and i have only recently started to notice this.
I would like to report him and stuff, but would that do any good? And i cant stress out my family with any of this stuff or let any of my not so close friends know, because i will be seen as week, and there is something wrong with me.

Thanks for advice.. will ring those one in 4 dudes on Monday

Switching off emotion is often more damaging than allowing oneself to feel violated and traumatised.

A child is considered unable to defend itself or say 'no' to an older adult. I seriously doubt that you would be seen as weak considering the fact that you were defenseless when this happened. As a matter of fact, nobody ever reacts that way to hearing about someone being molested as a child. If they do, they're a perp trying to cover it.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I am a survivor of abuse and i have healed and reclaimed my life.

the indication that it has effected you is how do you feel about sex now since experiencing a traumatic sexual experience? My sister was also abused but she was very promiscuous from it -i was the opposite, terrified to have sex or enjoy it - horrible flash backs etc,

The other issues i had was similar to you my mum and family who i told did nothing about it, i always thought my mum would be the first person to report someone who had abused her kids but she didnt want to deal with it and ignored us,


The injustice of this made us not care or respect our feelings and our self esteem was so low because of it.

It was only when my life hit rock bottom i went and sought help from a therapist, it was the best thing i ever did, i was raw for a while having to get all the poison out but i learned new skills in how to process my pain and respect my feelings, which greatly lifted the burden i was living under and set myself free from feeling soooo trapped.

I had an awful feeling i was damaged goods forever but i swear i am incredibly strong now and dont think this at all- it is completly possible to heal from abuse and reclaim your life.

I did have to build a better life for myself and let go of negative relationships, there was a big realization that people who i thought were friends were not, but when your growing self esteem this naturally happens.


In my opinion no one can just 'get over' being abused, it has major consequences on the victim and it takes time and confrontation to process it.

Locamon

I think the suggestion to get some help from a group like one in four is a good one and I also strongly agree this guy needs to be reported at some stage.
I think you are right in saying people can act a bit strange when someone tells them they have been abused not because they don't have sympathy, usually the opposite, people can be shocked, angry at the perp, angry at the injustice of it all and afraid they might say the wrong thing.
It is a tough one but I think you need to tell your immediate family as well. You need their support and understanding and keeping it to yourself is bottling up a lot of emotions I think, but it might be best to talk to one in four first as they should be able to give some good advice on how to best approach this.

Ghost Girl

The fact that you're on Boards.ie asking questions about it would lead me to believe it has affected you, it is bound to have affected you.

You're probably an open person seeing as you already spoke to friends about it, and again because you liked having talked about it, would mean talking gave you some relief.

You mention being numb....that's how you are dealing with the issue, an automatic switch off or numbness on the subject, which is a way of protecting yourself.

If you want to talk to some one do, if you don't then don't. Only you can decide, and even if the fact that you think it hasn't affected you is bothering you, then go and talk about that with a counsellorl.

There are some brilliant counsellors out there and talking with a professional might make you see things you don't realise at the moment!

LegacyUser

I feel kind of guilty for going unreged for this because I know I shouldn't feel a need to hide this but I feel I can talk more openly about it this way. Sorry to all those advocacy folks.

OP I had a very similar experience to you. I was molested at around 3 or 4, my molester was around 11 or 12 at the time. I had a bitter adolescence keeping it all to myself, feeling numb, etc, but was ok, for a teenager. When I left home it became less of an issue and I convinced myself that everything was fine. Just after turning 20 I started dating a girl who at the time was trying to deal with being raped a few years before hand. I tried to help her but in doing so brought back all the bad feelings I had ever felt. It was worse that ever, Almost as if I was moelsted all over again. I developed all the signs of PTSD, I became anxious, especially about the idea of spending time with people or talking to people, eventually I tried to kill myself. Then, out of nowhere I just picked myself back up. I never "dealt with it" as anyone would have expected me to but I realised that I was fine without dealing with it. I kind of thought my traumatised way of processing it was influenced by other people and not by how I felt. My initial freaking out was because I combined my empahty for my then GF with my feelings towards my own experience. Then I told one or 2 people and they expected me to be a mess. They treated me like a victim and I became one. I allowed societies ideas of what a person can handle to influence my own knowledge of what I could handle.

That realisation that not only could I handle it but that I had done so for 16 years brought me back to me, an even better me because somewhere in the midst of depression, and PTSD I became stronger and I learned to trust peopel. Maybe I needed to break down, and maybe I got better because I subconsciuosly worked through things but if that's going to happen to you, it will happen. What I'm saying, in a very long winded way is don't go to a shrink because you think people who have been molested should, go because you think you should. And if and when you go, go because you're ready for it. Letting that, and the emotions associated with it come back can be a very difficult thing to do, it can take over your every thought if you let it. Make sure you're in the right plcae for it and you think you are ready to open up, otherwise it will be a disappointment. I tried councelling but never made it past my second session cause of that.

Also be aware that pshychologists have an obligation to report anyone who has molested a child, with or without your consent if they believe he is a risk to anyone. I tried to go to the Dublin RCC and the councellor had decided that becasue of the age my abuser was at the time, there was a risk he'd reoffend and told me that she would have to report him. That's not something I wanted for my own reasons and I do not have any reason to believe he would do so now as I know him well still. I found a different psych who believed me when I said that and was happy not to report anything so that possible.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and sorry for the lenght of my post