Religion + Sex

LegacyUser

Ok here is the long winded story:
Been going out with my gf for about 3 years. Im a religious person which i know a lot of
people just dont understand. My gf is not at all religious. We are both in our mid twenties.
I work at the other end of the country and so we have to do a 4 day not seeing each other
thing as i am home most fridays.
Here is the main problem, i dont believe its right to have sex before marriage whereas my gf
is of the opinion that its not a relationship without it. Thats not to say we havent had sex,
we have and did up until about 2 weeks ago. Everything was rosey in the garden from her
side but it got to the stage where i just couldnt live with myself anymore so I told her i
couldnt keep doing it. This is not to say i dont want to or dont find her attractive, the
complete opposite is the case.
Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a
relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.
I love the girl and vice versa but i dont see a way of solving this problem.
We had some minor problems when i moved away but I make an effort to see her all
weekend and we talk once or twice a day every day on the phone. We have more contact
that most couples even though we live hours apart.
Just wondering if anyone has any "constructive" input

puglover

Dontknow! wrote: »

Ok here is the long winded story:
Been going out with my gf for about 3 years. Im a religious person which i know a lot of
people just dont understand. My gf is not at all religious. We are both in our mid twenties.
I work at the other end of the country and so we have to do a 4 day not seeing each other
thing as i am home most fridays.
Here is the main problem, i dont believe its right to have sex before marriage whereas my gf
is of the opinion that its not a relationship without it. Thats not to say we havent had sex,
we have and did up until about 2 weeks ago. Everything was rosey in the garden from her
side but it got to the stage where i just couldnt live with myself anymore so I told her i
couldnt keep doing it. This is not to say i dont want to or dont find her attractive, the
complete opposite is the case.
Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a
relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.
I love the girl and vice versa but i dont see a way of solving this problem.
We had some minor problems when i moved away but I make an effort to see her all
weekend and we talk once or twice a day every day on the phone. We have more contact
that most couples even though we live hours apart.
Just wondering if anyone has any "constructive" input

TBH I may be a bit biased here because I have seen how religion has made a friend of mines life so unhappy. The sex issue ruined any reltionship she's had and now at almost 40, she is single & childless and very very unhappy.

You have to ask yourself whats more important to you, your beliefs or the woman you love? If it's your beliefs well theres your answer.

On another point it seems awfully hipocritical of you to back track like this having already slept with her.

AARRRGH

I'll try to stay constructive, but I will say up front I am one of the people who believe it is "obvious" religion is a load of balls, so I'm sure my post may annoy you a bit. So feel free to dismiss what I am about to write.

I'm guessing you're a Catholic. As you probably know, the Catholic religion has a lot of odd beliefs, such as the recent outburst by the Pope proclaiming condoms are helping the spread of AIDS.

Jesus was a good man, but he had nothing to do with the Catholic religion. He never said you cannot have sex before marriage. It is the Catholic church's interpretation of something in the Bible (can't remember who said it exactly, but I remember it wasn't Jesus) which vaguely says you should only have moral sex, which sort of means sex within marriage.

My interpretation of this is Jesus doesn't have a problem with sex before marriage, but the Catholic church does. In fact, I would imagine God would want us having sex before marriage, as sex is natural and fun and not something to be ashamed of.

So if you are the sort of person who thinks some of the stuff the Catholic church says is a bit iffy, then I don't see any reason to be of the opinion that the sex before marriage stuff is also a bit iffy. Personally I don't see anything wrong - morally - whatsoever with having sex with someone you love.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you ask yourself this: what is wrong with having sex with the girl I love? If you are able to come to a negative answer which you are happy with, you need to discuss this with your girlfriend and respect whatever decision she makes, even if that means breaking up, as sex before marriage is a pretty big deal to non-religious people.

shellyboo

Dontknow! wrote: »

.
Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a
relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.

But you're presenting her with the same choice - she can have you, or she can have HER belief that a relationship isn't complete without sex. She's as entitled to her principles as you are to yours.

If neither of you are willing to compromise - and in this instance, I don't see why either of you should have to - then it's time to go your separate ways.

I know one thing, I couldn't be in a relationship without sex. I really feel for your gf. I understand that this is a hard choice for you to make - but to be fair, you're changing the goalposts. You can't expect her to stay if you've changed the nature of the relationship.

Baird

AARRRGH wrote: »

I'll try to stay constructive, but I will say up front I am one of the people who believe it is "obvious" religion is a load of balls, so I'm sure may post my annoy you a bit. So feel free to dismiss what I am about to write.

I'm guessing you're a Catholic. As you probably know, the Catholic religion has a lot of odd beliefs, such as the recent outburst by the Pope proclaiming condoms are helping the spread of AIDS.

Jesus was a good man, but he had nothing to do with the Catholic religion. He never said you cannot have sex before marriage. It is the Catholic church's interpretation of something in the Bible (can't remember who said it exactly, but I remember it wasn't Jesus) which vaguely says you should only have moral sex, which sort of means sex within marriage.

My interpretation of this is Jesus doesn't have a problem with sex before marriage, but the Catholic church does. In fact, I would imagine God would want us having sex before marriage, as sex is natural and fun and not something to be ashamed of.

So if you are the sort of person who thinks some of the stuff the Catholic church says is a bit iffy, then I don't see any reason to be of the opinion that the sex before marriage stuff is also a bit iffy. Personally I don't see anything wrong - morally - whatsoever with having sex with someone you love.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you ask yourself this: what is wrong with having sex with the girl I love? If you are able to come to a negative answer which you are happy with, you need to discuss this with you girlfriend and respect whatever decision she makes.

Mate to be honest im a Catholic and your post represents your negative
views on the religion rather than trying to be helpful in my opinion.
Dont know how insulting someones beliefs can be in the slightest bit relevant
to the question asked to be honest.

Oh The Humanity

Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a
relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.

I dont blame her frankly, this is really a terrible thing to spring on someone you love and have been sleeping with for some time.

Bear in mind all this religious malarkey is man made. If you believe in God, then consider this, God made our bodies for sex and to waste that through man induced fear and indoctrination in my opinion is a sin.

Its very bad form to move the goalposts on someone during a relationship like this. The only constructive advice I can give you is to change your thinking.

The girl is right in this case, Im sorry to say, if she walks you cant blame her.

AARRRGH

Baird wrote: »

Mate to be honest im a Catholic and your post represents your negative
views on the religion rather than trying to be helpful in my opinion.
Dont know how insulting someones beliefs can be in the slightest bit relevant
to the question asked to be honest.

I was trying to point out that Jesus doesn't have a problem with sex before marriage, but the Catholic church does.

Personally I'd go with Jesus' opinion.

Amazotheamazing

Out of curiosity, where did Jesus say we shouldn't have sex before marriage?

I've no issue with Jesus, or what he said, did and started, but don't mistake human teachings for what Jesus said. The Catholic Church have taken a lot of beautiful teachings and made them some negative guidebook for life, hardly seems fair imo.

shellyboo

AARRRGH wrote: »

I was trying to point out that Jesus doesn't have a problem with sex before marriage, but the Catholic church does.

Personally I'd go with Jesus' opinion.

Catholicism... or any religion... is not pick and mix.

We should respect the OP for sticking to his faith, it's a very very difficult thing to do, especially in this day and age. He hasn't come on here lambasting us all for being fornicating, ungodly sinners, so I think we should show the same respect for his beliefs, tbh.

If he's not prepared to give up his religion, he's going to have to give up the girl. Telling him to change his beliefs is not very helpful advice... you could equally tell the gf to change hers in that case.

puglover

This shouldn't be turning into a debate on the catholic church, OP never even said he was Catholic. Quite a few religions don't approve of sex before marriage eg Jehovahs Witnesses

Nevyn

Can we please respect the OP's beliefs.
Any more derailing of this thread will result in bans being handed out.

OP have you spoken to your confessor or sought spiritual guidance about this ?

LeixlipRed

As an atheist I even find it highly insulting you would try to tell a Catholic that Jesus had no problem with sex before marriage. You sound like you're giving a 4 year old advice there.

AARRRGH

shellyboo wrote: »

Catholicism... or any religion... is not pick and mix.

We should respect the OP for sticking to his faith, it's a very very difficult thing to do, especially in this day and age. He hasn't come on here lambasting us all for being fornicating, ungodly sinners, so I think we should show the same respect for his beliefs, tbh.

If he's not prepared to give up his religion, he's going to have to give up the girl. Telling him to change his beliefs is not very helpful advice... you could equally tell the gf to change hers in that case.

I'm not telling him to do anything. He can become a priest for all I care.

However I am offering an opinion on how he can morally come to a conclusion that sex before marriage isn't wrong. I do not see that as being unhelpful.

No one is forcing him to do anything, or trying to change his mind. We are just offering advice.

LeixlipRed wrote:

As an atheist I even find it highly insulting you would try to tell a Catholic that Jesus had no problem with sex before marriage. You sound like you're giving a 4 year old advice there.

Jesus never said there is anything wrong with sex before marriage. I'm just stating a fact.

EDIT: Just saw Thaedydal's reply now.

Baird

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Out of curiosity, where did Jesus say we shouldn't have sex before marriage?

Actually he said it a couple of times
If you want to further that specific topic then head over to the Christianity forum.

As for the OP, Thaedydals advice is an excellent start. A priest (im persuming you are catholic) is an obvious starting point

Amazotheamazing

Baird wrote: »

Actually he said it a couple of times
If you want to further that specific topic then head over to the Christianity forum.

As for the OP, Thaedydals advice is an excellent start. A priest (im persuming you are catholic) is an obvious starting point

How does your quote refer to before or after marriage?

jim o doom

Hey OP - it's a difficult situation to be in; I'm just gonna give me honest opinion on it from my point of view;

I think that if you both have such differing views on sex, your relationship might not continue; If I was with a girl and say I wanted sex in our relationshiop and she didn't - that would be it for me personally & it would be for many people as sex in a relationship is necessary for them.

I am not suggesting you are wrong or that you should change your beliefs - but you must prepare yourself mentally for the eventuality that if you decide sex is no longer an option, your other half could very well decide then that the relationship itself cannot continue. That is the same decision I and most people I know would make.

Perhaps you are incompatible with each other due to your differing beliefs - if that is the case I commiserate. The only option in this that could continue the relationship is if one person changes their mind - i.e. your girlfriend stops wanting sex or you continue wanting it.

In you girlfriends view - I don't see her changing, as you yourself state sex was normal and regular until you changed your mind recently - so it could be said that the only thing that has changed is your decision to no longer continue - it may well be that the decision will have to be made to finish it.

Only thing for it though, is to discuss it with her - but be prepared for the eventuality of a breakup if you stick to your guns about the sex matter.

I tried to not be in any way judgemental - just trying to paint it how I think it will go! best of luck.

Soul Stretcher

If I was an "Adjudicator" on this conflict, tbh I would decide in favour of your girlfriend.

Sex is a very important issue in a relationship. Religion is a very important personal issue/choice.

More than likely your gf has no issue with any other aspect of your religious beliefs apart from the no sex before marriage thing.

I think you, unilaterally, have changed a very important component of the relatonship.

Your gf, imo, is entitled to walk away with her dignity intact.

The question you have ask yourself, perhaps, is:

What does my religion want me to do - Break up a loving relationship or follow a doctrine ? Perhaps you could speak to a priest, rabbi, islamic teacher (whichever is your cup of tea) for guidance...

Soul Stretcher

It has also just occured to me that if it was the other way round...

and your gf had made this choice...

and you dumped her as a result...

then I could foresee that a lot of people (wrongly) would assume you (as a man) were only ever after one thing..... and when it dried up... you left.

Whereas I doubt the same assumptions will be made about her if she leaves.

But really what other people, especially the curtain twitchers, think is besides the point.

You should only think about yourself and your gf.... and your religion.

Beruthiel

Dontknow! wrote: »

Here is the main problem, i dont believe its right to have sex before marriage

Please explain your reasoning behind that?
I'm curious, because you said you've been having sex with your g/f of 3 years and now suddenly you're cutting off supply.
Seems odd to do that after so long.

i just couldnt live with myself anymore so I told her i couldnt keep doing it.

Why not?

Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.

Can you blame her?
After all, you've changed the rules completely 3 years into the relationship. What did you expect her to say?
Personally, I would consider that a deal breaker.
These days, most of us in a relationship would expect it to be sexual. Otherwise, what exactly is it but a friendship?

i dont see a way of solving this problem.

Irreconcilable differences is often quoted as a reason in divorce courts.
You would appear to have reached that point in your relationship.
You are just going to have to decided what is more important to you at this stage. Her or your decision to not have sex anymore.

ellie1

You have had sex with her and now you have changed your mind as you dont feel its right anymore due to your beliefs....
This is absurd. I could understand if you never had sex with her but all of a sudden your religious/moral concioncience has taken over.
Where has this been before this?
I dont think this is about your religious preferences at all?
It cant be okay one day and not th next?
What if she had got pregnant, what would you have done or did your moral/religious views come ino play then...or would you have married her?

Das Kitty

Dontknow! wrote: »

Ok here is the long winded story:
Been going out with my gf for about 3 years. Im a religious person which i know a lot of
people just dont understand. My gf is not at all religious. We are both in our mid twenties.
I work at the other end of the country and so we have to do a 4 day not seeing each other
thing as i am home most fridays.
Here is the main problem, i dont believe its right to have sex before marriage whereas my gf
is of the opinion that its not a relationship without it. Thats not to say we havent had sex,
we have and did up until about 2 weeks ago. Everything was rosey in the garden from her
side but it got to the stage where i just couldnt live with myself anymore so I told her i
couldnt keep doing it. This is not to say i dont want to or dont find her attractive, the
complete opposite is the case.
Its gotten to the point now where it almost seems like she is saying she cant be in a
relationship without sex and therefore the choice now seems her or my beliefs.
I love the girl and vice versa but i dont see a way of solving this problem.
We had some minor problems when i moved away but I make an effort to see her all
weekend and we talk once or twice a day every day on the phone. We have more contact
that most couples even though we live hours apart.
Just wondering if anyone has any "constructive" input

Hi OP.

Did my pre marriage course (redemptorists) over a year ago. One of the segments was about sex and the couple who were giving us the speil went on about how they met and started having sex early in their relationship and the differences between their views and how they used it as part of communication. The priest in the room didn't bat an eyelid. I spoke to him after about this as I was interested to know, and his view on it is that whilst sex before marriage was wrong in the eyes of the church, he had to be a realist about it and that his personal view on it was that if it's being done for the correct reason (as an expression of love and communication with the person you love and will marry) he wouldn't have a quibble about it.

Now that was just him, and I know what the hard line from the vatican is on it.

If you and your girl cannot reconcile your beliefs on a fundamental issue like this you shouldn't be together, you're just torturing one another. I would suggest speaking to a priest you trust about the issue, possibly someone other than your usual confessor. It's a hard situation, especially seeing as you were having sex before and then stopped.

LegacyUser

Op here again

Beruthiel wrote: »

Please explain your reasoning behind that?
I'm curious, because you said you've been having sex with your g/f of 3 years and now suddenly you're cutting off supply.
Seems odd to do that after so long.

We didnt have sex for 3 years as it may have looked from my initial post.
It was more a gradual eroding of my morals (probably not the best way to phrase it but im sure you get my point) rather than a snap decision.
We have had many arguments and discussions over this topic.

Can you blame her?
After all, you've changed the rules completely 3 years into the relationship. What did you expect her to say?
Personally, I would consider that a deal breaker.
These days, most of us in a relationship would expect it to be sexual. Otherwise, what exactly is it but a friendship?

Thing is we have had this discussion about a year ago where we broke up because i said
i just couldnt offer her what she wanted, which is true. However she said she still wanted to try.
Now im not blaming her at all for this but there is constant pressure from her on this topic
and its just coming to the point where if i say no its an argument, so i give in normally.

Irreconcilable differences is often quoted as a reason in divorce courts.
You would appear to have reached that point in your relationship.
You are just going to have to decided what is more important to you at this stage. Her or your decision to not have sex anymore.

Its not my decision to not have sex anymore as you put it. Its my belief that sex is something that is part of a married couples life rather than a casual passtime as it is viewed as now.

neuro-praxis

As a Christian, I know where you are coming from OP. Avoiding sex before marriage is really difficult, especially when you are in love. I can sympathise.

The solution for me was to date men who felt the same way. Yes, sometimes you fail to live up to your convictions, even together, but at least you've got a partner with the same goals and values as you.

The ultimate solution is of course, getting married. This is only an option if it's really the right thing for both of you, and at the right time in your lives. But ultimately being married to someone who doesn't share your values is going to be tough, and marriage is hard enough even when both parties are on the same page.

Only you know what is the right thing to do here. Good luck to both of you.

AARRRGH

ellie1 wrote: »

You have had sex with her and now you have changed your mind as you dont feel its right anymore due to your beliefs....
This is absurd. I could understand if you never had sex with her but all of a sudden your religious/moral concioncience has taken over.
Where has this been before this?
I dont think this is about your religious preferences at all?
It cant be okay one day and not th next?
What if she had got pregnant, what would you have done or did your moral/religious views come ino play then...or would you have married her?

Yeah, I find it odd too. My only conclusion is that the OP knew he would have to have sex with her (at least initially) if he wanted to develop a relationship with her. Now that they are in the three year comfort zone, he is hoping he can revert to his religious beliefs. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but I can imagine it is fairly horrendous for his girlfriend. I can also imagine she is thinking he has another motive, e.g. he doesn't fancy her anymore.

If the OP does decide to stick with his beliefs, and he and his girlfriend break up, what's next for him? Find a girl with similar beliefs? Or repeat the same mistake with another girl? Both options are difficult.

Miss Fluff

Why such a drastic U-Turn two weeks ago OP?

neuro-praxis

Why is he being asked the above question over and over? He answered it in his original post. He states that he "couldn't live with himself" anymore. This means that for a long time now he has been engaging in sex even though he felt himself that it wasn't right for him. This came to a head and he ended it.

AARRRGH

Dontknow! wrote: »

Its not my decision to not have sex anymore as you put it.

Am I reading that correctly, you do not believe it is your decision to stop having sex? In other words, your religion is "forcing" you to stop having sex?

A non-religious person, e.g. your girlfriend, will have a hard time buying that.

/Just saying

Beruthiel

Dontknow! wrote: »

Its my belief that sex is something that is part of a married couples life rather than a casual passtime as it is viewed as now.

You say it is your belief.
Can you explain why you believe this?
Can you explain what has lead you to this belief?

Wagon

Dontknow! wrote: »

Just wondering if anyone has any "constructive" input

I was in your girlfriends position before. I'll let you know what it's like from the other side. By the way, i was once religious too but gave it up.

I went out with my first girlfriend for 6 months. Like you she was very religious and also didn't believe in sex before marraige. I didn't give a damn most of the time. We've broken up since. This was over 2 and a half years ago now. I've been with different girls since and all those relationships involved a sexual side.

When i looked back on it, i remember feeling quite depressed at times with my first girlfriend. I thought she was absolutely beautiful and wanted to take it further. She kept telling me know and completely shutting me off from that side of the proceedings. I often wondered if she ever found me attractive at all, if she was in any way interested or was i just a friend she scored. My confiance levels dropped at times and it really really got me down. But i stayed with her. I went away on holiday with some mates and met a girl over there. She was absolutely cracking. I nearly cheated on my girlfriend but stopped myself at the last minute. I felt like a good boyfriend then. Loyal and all that stuff

A month later she dumped my sorry ass. It was ****ing horrible to say the least, i went on the rebound with someone else and treated them like absoltue crap. But after i got past it all and moved on, I went out with different girls and actually experienced sexual relationships. Was a huge eye opener to say the least. It meant a lot more. Sex is central to my current relationship and I've never been happier. I've since given up on religion. There was numerous reasons why but this was a big one, when i realised how unhappy it can make people. I don't think it's a shallow reason at all. I never slept around but I certainly don't see it as evil either, and don't see why it should be reserved till marraige.

So that's my side. I know you don't want to hear this but I can 100% understand why your girlfriend wants you to make a decision. Here's your choice:

(a) Dump some of those ridiculous teachings of the church.
(b) Dump your girlfriend.

I don't envy you. Do what you feel is right. Your entitled to your beliefs but your girlfriend shouldn't suffer because of them.

Wagon

Dontknow! wrote: »

Its not my decision to not have sex anymore as you put it. Its my belief that sex is something that is part of a married couples life rather than a casual passtime as it is viewed as now.

Sorry mate, your mixed up here. Here's the difference -

Sleeping with randomers on a weekly basis: Casual pasttime.
Sleeping with your girlfriend of 3 years: Meaningful.

neuro-praxis

Beruthiel wrote: »

You say it is your belief.
Can you explain why you believe this?
Can you explain what has lead you to this belief?

Why on earth does the OP have to do this?! To satisfy you?

LegacyUser

To The OP, in my relationship with a girl I am the one in your gf's shoes. It's not easy. I have had sex with previous partners, but I'm with my OH now for almost 4 years. You need to communicate and think about this. Whatever you do don't do something you're uncomfortable with. That will kill your relationship faster. Tbh there's more to life than sex, and if she cannot see a life with you without sex prior to marriage then she's not right for you.

Put it this way, if you were in an accident and couldn't have sex again - would she dump you because of it? Would all the other posters who describe your situation as a 'deal breaker'.If they would what kind of people are they / certainly not the kind I'd want a relationship with. If she truly loves you she will stay with you. Do the right thing by both you and her. A relationship built on guilt and bad feelings is doomed to fail.

I love my gf. I will wait until marriage because I want her to be happy in our relationship. Frankly I love her more than I love getting the leg over so it's an easy decision, and it is working best for us. We are happy together. Most of my friends in sexual relationships aren't half as happy or contented with their partners.

Anyway it gives us both something to look forward to. I can't wait, though we're getting married later this year. It is a difficult situation but you will know the right course of action...

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

You say it is your belief.
Can you explain why you believe this?
Can you explain what has lead you to this belief?

Op here again

Beruthiel i thought you were a mod, how on earth are any of those questions even related to the issue?

I could ask you why you believe in all the things you believe in and then proceed to pick holes in them but what purpose could it possibly serve? The majority of posts in this thread have been to tell me what i believe in is wrong.

I asked for some constructive input not to be insulted

Wagon, neuro-praxis, Das Kitty, Soul Stretcher etc thanks for the constructive input

LegacyUser

I don't see how him letting her know what he sees for the future of the relationship is going to cause her "suffering" as someone said. They are not married, she can leave him if she wants. It's no better than him sleeping with her and then having the feeling of his morals and relgious ideals being eroded. What people on boards don't seem to realise is that being a Christian isn't just about following rules etc, but it becomes you, it's your personality, your entire being. You cannot just switch that off. At least he'll know how deep her love for him is.

Amazotheamazing

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Why on earth does the OP have to do this?! To satisfy you?

No, so we can understand where he is coming from.

He's entitled to his beliefs, but is he entitled to ask someone who he loves to share them without explaining them? If he can't explain it to a bunch of internet people he'll never meet, I doubt he can logically explain it to his girlfriend.

Tbh, I feel very sorry for the girl in all this, she must be getting serious hang-ups if everytime she has sex with someone she loves she's effectively being told it's making him sin.

Too much religion hides behind the "Doubting Thomas" principle of "I don't know why I feel that way but I do so don't ask me again". Religion is supposed to be a force for good, to help people live better, love better. It's not supposed to dictate what loving people can and can't consent to, imo.

The OP is in a loving, committed relationship with a girl who must be mad about him to live with his restrictions, to say they shouldn't have sex because some Bishops got together a few centuries after Jesus was about and said so is to twist a very beautiful human feeling into something dark and wrong, imo.

For crying out loud, the Catholic Church once insisted the world was flat, why can't people accept that some of their teachings might be a little off kilter (btw, I don't recall Jesus saying the world was flat either). It doesn't demean religion to exercise your free will and think for yourself.

LegacyUser

Given that 99 odd % of the "issues" on the relationship issues forum revolve in one way or another around sex, I'd see it as a positive what the OP wants.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Beruthiel i thought you were a mod, how on earth are any of those questions even related to the issue?

I would have thought them core to it no?
I was not expecting you to answer them, but rather question yourself on why you thought that way in the first place and the ramifications of that thinking on your relationship.

I could ask you why you believe in all the things you believe in and then proceed to pick holes in them but what purpose could it possibly serve?

Well of course you are quite welcome to do so.
It is always good to question what you believe in imo.

neuro-praxis

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

No, so we can understand where he is coming from....For crying out loud, the Catholic Church once insisted the world was flat, why can't people accept that some of their teachings might be a little off kilter (btw, I don't recall Jesus saying the world was flat either). It doesn't demean religion to exercise your free will and think for yourself.

Bring your assumptions to the Christianity forum, not here.

Absolam

Regardless of everyones' opinions of the Ops religious point of view; it's his point of view, and that's what religion is. He has undertaken to live by a set of rules and trying to do that whilst maintaining his relationship is where his difficulty lies; debating the validity of the rules is pointless.

To address your problem Op, from your perspective the only way to give your girlfriend what she wants and maintain you own view of your integrity is to get married. If this is not what you both want, then any future together will mean a greater compromise of ideals / lifestyle than either of you wants to make, which will leave one or other of you dissatisfied with the relationship, eventually bringing it to an end.

Amazotheamazing

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Bring your assumptions to the Christianity forum, not here.

Why? You can't separate this issue from his religion.

Don't see what I'm assuming either, the Church went to lengths to clarify if was serious about the whole flat earth thing, even apoligised for it back in the 1990's.

Humans are fallible creatures, I really have a hard time thinking that a Jewish Rabbi/Carpenter really got all that bothered about premarital sex, contraception etc.

ellie1

I think your beliefs are questionable seen as though you have had sex with this girl and then you decided you couldnt live with this no longer. I find this confusing and absurd that you could do this and then suddenly decide you couldnt live with yourself doing this.

If you had come on and said that your religious beliefs mean that although you love your girlfriend you cannot have sex with her due to her religious beliefs , i would find this more understandable.

you have had sex with her already and have now changed your mind.

Pub07

OP, if you want to do the no-sex til marriage lifestyle by the book you will be severly limiting your opportunities with the opposite sex. I personally dont know anybody, male or female who enter or continue (if told about it at the early stages) a relationship if the other person said I'm not interested in having sex until marriage. Imo opinion it is completely and absolutely absurd to marry someone and commit the rest of your life to them if you have never even had sex with them.

If you follow 'your beliefs' to their logical conclusion and tell any gfs you won't be having sex til marriage you will be cutting out a very large majority % of potential life partners and could well up alone for the rest of your life, although what is more likely to happen is that eventually you will meet someone and out of pure desperation, on your part and/or theirs, you will end up marrying them while all the time you will be thinking back on the opportunitys you missed down the years with women who you were very attracted to and had great chemistry with. You are setting yourself up for a life of regret and bitterness. And all because of some superstitious bollox that was indoctrinated into your head when you innocent and impressionable.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

I asked for some constructive input not to be insulted

OK, here's something constructive:

Stop torturing your girlfriend. Either have sex with her or don't have sex with her. The longer you pussyfoot around the longer she will suffer while she waits for you to make up your mind.

Once you have made up your mind, the ball is then in her court. So all you can do is make up your mind, communicate clearly how you feel, and then respect whatever decision she makes.

If you tell her no more sex before marriage, and she decides to stay with you - in misery - well then that's her decision.

Wagon

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Why on earth does the OP have to do this?! To satisfy you?

Beruthiel wrote: »

It is always good to question what you believe in imo.

Yep. Many people are born into religion and follow it through for the sake of it (because their parents do it, because they were told they have to etc...) Actually sitting down and asking yourself why you go to a church and mumble prayers with 200 other people every sunday can be very beneficial. It was for me at least.

Religion works for some people and not for others. Nobody is any less intellegent for following religion. However, when your beliefs begin to hurt those close to you then you might want to rethink things.

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

OK, here's something constructive:

Stop torturing your girlfriend. Either have sex with her or don't have sex with her. The longer you pussyfoot around the longer she will suffer while she waits for you to make up your mind.

Once you have made up your mind, the ball is then in her court. So all you can do is make up your mind, communicate clearly how you feel, and then respect whatever decision she makes.

If you tell her no more sex before marriage, and she decides to stay with you - in misery - well then that's her decision.

No sex before marriage.Big whoopeee. You'd swear he was torturing the girl on a daily basis.
Given that he was never comfortable having sex with this girl then the ball is already in her court. She can leave if she wants. If she doesn then he's better off without.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Dude do what ever you want. You can always repent on your death bed. Life's too short to get hung up on what may or may not happen afterwards.

Baird

This has got to be the most condescending thread i have ever seen on this forum.
The guy is obviously religious so why on earth are people telling him he is a deluded fool
for what he believes in. This is not a thread about religious faith, its a thread about a
couple who have conflicting religious beliefs and whether they can make it work.
Instead of advice he is being talked to like a child

The girl may not be miserable as someone rashly claimed. You must talk to her OP,
this is going to end really messily if you dont.

AARRRGH

Baird wrote: »

why on earth are people telling him he is a deluded fool for what he believes in.

No one has said he is a deluded fool. Some people have suggested his beliefs are not particularly compatible with modern relationships, and they're right.

You are reading way too deeply between the lines.

Baird wrote: »

This is not a thread about religious faith

This thread is completely about religious faith: the OP's religion is potentially breaking up his relationship.

Wagon

Baird wrote: »

The girl may not be miserable as someone rashly claimed.

I beg to differ. You could be right of course but I am pretty sure she's miserable.

RedXIV

This thread isn't really that condescending. Ok, if the OP had been celibate from day 1, then i'd feel a bit more sympathy for him but from what we can derive here, he threw away his beliefs when he slept with her. He may have argued against it, but once he consented to sex, he compromised. And now he's decided that he doesn't want to do that anymore. Thats the facts here.

What others who don't believe in christanity etc might want to point out is the notable lack of fire and brimstone after you had sex. nothing significantly changed except you made your gf happy. Which if you think about it, is pretty significant.

Your gf is obviously going to be confused and upset that you've suddenly decided that she's no longer the priority she once was, you've put her below your beliefs when she was used to being above. What's worth noting is when you put your beliefs first, neither you or her were happy. That in itself should tell you alot.

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

No one has said he is a deluded fool. Some people have suggested his beliefs are not particularly compatible with modern relationships, and they're right.

You are reading way too deeply between the lines.




This thread is completely about religious faith: the OP's religion is potentially breaking up his relationship.

I am in such a relationship.... quite happily and it's working quite well. Nothing incompatible about it.