I slept with a bisexual

LegacyUser

i was attending a course in counselling and the tutor and myself became friendly. to cut a long story short one night we had sex. afterwards he told me he was bisexual. i feel so stupid . surely he should have told me first. should i go for tests. we used a condom but the thoughts that he was with men really scares me

Victor

No harm in getting tested in any new relationship.

However, just because he was bisexual, doesn't mean he is promiscuous.

Also, its a big no-no for medical professionals and counsellors to get involved with their clients - it should be at least 2 years after the professional relationship ends before a personal relationship starts.

mandysmithers

Victor wrote: »

Also, its a big no-no for medical professionals and counsellors to get involved with their clients - it should be at least 2 years after the professional relationship ends before a personal relationship starts.

I think she was on a course learning how to be a counsellor, hence the use of the term 'tutor'.

ellie1

Thats very disturbing that your tutor in a counselling course and you had sex. You used a condom however get yourself tested to ease your mind. And this is not because he has slept with other men.

Are you still attending this course?

AARRRGH

angela t wrote: »

we used a condom but the thoughts that he was with men really scares me

Why does it scare you? Is it because you think he might be HIV+?

That is not an unreasonable assumption, however, you used a condom, and assuming the condom did not break, you have nothing to worry about.

Yes, there are STI's which you can catch irregardless of using a condom, but you can catch them from anyone, and chances are you have one of them already, i.e. HPV.

Stop worrying. I'd bet all my future income you have not caught HIV from this one incidence of protected sex. But if you're the worrying type and are finding it hard to move on with your life, get tested.

Nevyn

AARRRGH wrote: »

Why does it scare you? Is it because you think he might be HIV+?

That is not an unreasonable assumption,

I think it is.

OP you practiced safer sex which is what counts,
I don't think you were exposed to any extra risk.

If you are that worried then do have an sti screen test done to be sure.

Genghiz Cohen

angela t wrote: »

we used a condom but the thoughts that he was with men really scares me

Because gay men all have AIDS?

HouseHippo

Because he is bi you should get tested.........

.
The fact that someone has sex with his students should bother you alot more than their sexual status...!

Is it ok to sleep with straight people willy nilly and not get any STD's cause they are straight.....Honestly!

Overheal

Genghiz Cohen wrote: »

Because gay men all have AIDS?

exactly! :rolleyes: despite the origins of the disease (which are much in dispute) its much more widespread than that now, and it can come from anyone. Don't presume that only gay men are carriers.

AARRRGH

If you read the statistics on HIV infection, for example, the statistics from 2006, you will see out of 337 new HIV infections that year, only 41 of them were heterosexual males (only 14 of them Irish males), and 83 of them were gay and bisexual men.

If you consider perhaps only 1 in 10 men are gay or bisexual, that means dramatically more gay/bisexual men are HIV+, which means you are a lot more likely to get HIV from having sex with a gay/bisexual man.

As the OP used a condom, I think she has nothing to worry about, but there's no point pretending there isn't more risk when you sleep with a gay/bisexual man.

LegacyUser

angela t wrote: »

i was attending a course in counselling and the tutor and myself became friendly. to cut a long story short one night we had sex. afterwards he told me he was bisexual. i feel so stupid . surely he should have told me first. should i go for tests. we used a condom but the thoughts that he was with men really scares me

:? Why? Did you tell him about every partner you ever had before hand? You both excercised caution in using protection, what else should he have done?

Overheal

With that out of the way, if you're worried - get tested. I'd advise him to get tested too, to be additionaly safe.

As for this sleeping with your tutor business - blimey. He could get fired, and/or I believe you can get expelled. Dicey situation. Not something you should do again while he is still your tutor.

Big Wave

Genghiz Cohen wrote: »

Because gay men all have AIDS?

No, but they're more likely to than heterosexual males. That's not prejudice - its fact. See 3 posts above.
Stop trying to imply that the topic has gay prejudice implications - more homosexual males are HIV+ than heterosexual males, so the OP has every right to be concerned when considering those FACTS.

OP - you should be fine if you used protection, but get a check done if you're uneasy.

LegacyUser

The title of this thread should have been "I slept with my tutor" rather than "a bisexual", as that seems to be the more troublesome aspect of this story. You make it sound as if he told you that he has HIV, or that he is wildly promiscuous. You haven't said anything about the guy other than the fact that he is bisexual. I don't know about your sex life, but if you are having sex regularly with people you don't know too well, then you increase your chances of getting STDs. It's really impossible to tell you anything other than the fact that if you are sexually active it's good to get STD checks anyway.

aaarrgh, I think this source is probably more informative:
http://www.euro.who.int/aids/ctryinfo/overview/20060118_21
keep in mind that the population of Ireland is 4,156,119 (July 2008 est.)

There are loads of other STDs around to worry about that don't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. I'm assuming you used a condom, right? Are you in a relationship with the guy? If not I don't see any reason why he should have told you anything - but he shouldn't have slept with you in the first place, because he's your TUTOR!

cafecolour

Practically speaking, anal sex is more likely to transmit aids than vaginal sex. Anal sex will also spread it with ease to both the 'top' and the 'bottom', while in vaginal sex, i've read that it's easier for a woman to get it off a man than vice versa.

For the OP - the incidence of AIDS in Ireland is very low, and having used a condom, it would be very unlikely for you to have AIDS. There are other venereal diseases though, and if you are worried, you might as well get tested.

And as a public service announcement - ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. For that matter, if you are going to have a one night stand, it doesn't have to end in sex. A danger of worrying too much about having had sex with a bisexual man is not worrying enough about having sex with a heterosexual one.

dudara

Posters, lay off the gay men, STIs and HIV angle. It's not particularly relevant here and is detracting from genuine advice.

dudara

Armin_Tamzarian

angela t wrote: »

i was attending a course in counselling and the tutor and myself became friendly. to cut a long story short one night we had sex. afterwards he told me he was bisexual. i feel so stupid . surely he should have told me first.

Perhaps he only became bi-sexual after he slept with you?

dudara

Armin_Tamzarian wrote: »

Perhaps he only became bi-sexual after he slept with you?

Helpful comments only please. Take the time to read the PI charter if you are unsure as to what constitutes helpful advice.

dudara

smileykey

@ Dudara

dudara wrote: »

Posters, lay off the gay men, STIs and HIV angle. It's not particularly relevant here and is detracting from genuine advice.

I don't want to question a moderator but isn't this what the whole thread is about? The op is worried that because the man she slept with is bisexual he has HIV/AIDS. She's asking advice on this topic so its very relevant, no?

@OP - Check out the thread on sti clinics in Ireland if you are really worried but otherwise, just cause he is bi doesn't mean anything. This isn't North America in the 80s, AIDS is very uncommon in Ireland, even among MSMs.

Snowie

Hey op dont be lsiting to the pope ....

serously tho,you practiced safe sex then your more then likely ok if you dont feel at ease go get a sti test.

smythire

take a test.

Nic'name

I'm sorry, but I find it quite ridiculous that you're considering getting tested solely on the grounds of his bisexuality...

It's a bit presumptuous and prejudice. If you have unprotected sex (I'm not sure if you did or didn't) with anyone regardless of orientation you could possibly pick something up.

Sorry if it seemed harsh I just think that lots of people are still close minded when it comes to sexuality and the whole thing of announcing sexual orientation should be abolished.

Saying that I hope things are ok regardless.

If in doubt though regardless of partner go to your local GUM clinic or even your doctor. STDs are not as uncommon as you'd think.

sardineta

Perhaps it was unfair to not tell you of the fact before your encounter, so that you may have adjusted your risk assessment, but having the sense and decency to use a condom should allay your fears.

That said, a trip to the GUM clinic will put your mind at rest, and in any case is a good habit to get into when embarking upon new relationships.

Boston

You had a one night stand with someone. That in and of itself puts you at a far greater risk. You're trusting your life to a thin piece of latex.

AARRRGH wrote: »

If you read the statistics on HIV infection, for example, the statistics from 2006, you will see out of 337 new HIV infections that year, only 41 of them were heterosexual males (only 14 of them Irish males), and 83 of them were gay and bisexual men.

If you consider perhaps only 1 in 10 men are gay or bisexual, that means dramatically more gay/bisexual men are HIV+, which means you are a lot more likely to get HIV from having sex with a gay/bisexual man.

As the OP used a condom, I think she has nothing to worry about, but there's no point pretending there isn't more risk when you sleep with a gay/bisexual man.

The term MSM is used for a reason. 10% of the population identify as gay or bisexual(actually a higher percentage of men then women do, but it evens out to 10% total). Any male whose got drunk and engaged in oral sex just once, any male who experimented or any male who was abused is a MSM. I cannot guess at this figure but Its definitely more then 10%.

dyl10

Nic'name wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I find it quite ridiculous that you're considering getting tested solely on the grounds of his bisexuality...

It's a bit presumptuous and prejudice. If you have unprotected sex (I'm not sure if you did or didn't) with anyone regardless of orientation you could possibly pick something up.

This is a personal issues forum, not a place for you to throw around skewed opinions.

@OP if you are worried, get yourself tested.
There is a higher concentration of HIV in the "gay" community, it's fact.
I understand why you are worried, but as others have said, if you practiced safe sex you've nothing to worry about.

Either way, there is no point in getting stressed now.
You can do nothing now, but to take or not take the test.

Good luck!

pierrot

Estimated per-act risk for acquisition of HIV by exposure route
Exposure Route Estimated infections per 10,000 exposures to an infected source
Blood Transfusion 9,000
Childbirth 2,500
Needle-sharing injection drug use 67
Percutaneous needle stick 30
Receptive anal intercourse* 50
Insertive anal intercourse* 6.5
Receptive penile-vaginal intercourse* 10
Insertive penile-vaginal intercourse* 5
Receptive oral intercourse*§ 1
Insertive oral intercourse*§ 0.5
* assuming no condom use
§ source refers to oral intercourse
performed on a man


Don't worry too much , but you could take a blood test to put your mind at ease.

LegacyUser

To be honest the op has not given a lot of information. Nobody here is qualified to tell you whether or not to get an STD test, but it certainly can't hurt. The guy could have easily not have said anything about his orientation - and no doubt you would feel much better. He may not even be the first bisexual guy you slept with. There's no use in talking about straight vs. Bi Hiv rates seeing as there is no way of knowing whether someone is one or the other unless they tell you. To put things into perspective, you are waaay more likely to die in a car crash this year but by reading some of the posts on this thread you'd think gay/bi people are biohazards.

The Corinthian

Looking at the cold hard facts...

The reality is homosexuals and bisexual males are in a higher risk category for certain STI's; most notably HIV. Unfortunately, so are people from sub-Saharan Africa and from a low income demographic. Intravenous drug users are still the highest demographic though. In short there are lots of 'higher' risk groups out there.

While the above is true, it is also important to consider the real probabilities. He was bisexual - but this does not mean he has had many if any homosexual encounters or that he engaged is higher-risk practices or did not use protection.

Add all the figures up and what you are probably looking at is that with an average heterosexual man, you have a 0.0015% chance of getting HIV in a single sexual encounter when using protection, when with a homosexual or bisexual man, under the same conditions, you have a 0.0025% chance.

Now think about the probability that you'll have a fatal accident within the next year, and you'll probably find the odds are that you've got a bigger chance of becoming road kill.

So relax.

LegacyUser

i never mentioned aids, however i did assume that someone who can sleep with men and women is more at risk of sti s. i could not have a relationship with him because i could not satisfy him full. why? because i dont have a penis

Minxie123

As someone studying counselling/psychotherapy I think its very alarming that your tutor broke the code of ethics and slept with you. Has he never heard of erotic transference? I would seriously consider changing courses, your tutor sounds like a charlatan.

With regard to the bisexuality question - no harm in getting tested.Good luck with it.

Reflector

Ok, I really think you need to relax. I can't believe because he is bi that you need to panic. If you are having casual sex with anyone you should get tested. Also going into any relationship you should both get tested so you know. A lot of STI's have no synptoms at first. If he was striaght would you not give a ****. I think you should re-evaluate your attitude as well, how can you council someone with hangups like that?

Sleepy

OP, I find it terrifying that someone so homophobic is taking a course in counselling. Maybe it's not the career for you?

ellie1

[HTML]OP, I find it terrifying that someone so homophobic is taking a course in counselling. Maybe it's not the career for you? [/HTML]

Counsellors/Therapists etc are human beings. They are judgemental, do have negative feelings etc. They train to be more emphetic, less judgemental and to work on their issues. Nobody is without fault . Read the works of Karl Rogers or Irvin Yalom. They were still learning about themselves. In order to counsell somebody else, you need empthathy and genuine postive regard and be aware of your own limitations. There is counsellors who may not be able to work with sex offenders just as there may be counsellors who may not be able to work with homosexuals or women/men in abusive relationships or children or adolescents or men. Just like some women cannot go to a male counselor or vice versa To be a good therapist or counsellor ,it is ongoing lifelong learning about oneself, I believe.

I find it more terrifying the fact that her tutor slept with her. Many trainee councellors enter into this feild after overcoming huge hardships in their own lifes and many use these courses as voyage of self discovery.

The fact that the op mentioned that she was doing this type of course and slept with her tutor has alarm bells ringing in my head otherwise she could have said "i slept with a guy who afterwards told me he was bisexual".

hot2def

ellie1 wrote: »

There is counsellors who may not be able to work with sex offenders just as there may be counsellors who may not be able to work with homosexuals..

There's a nice example.

I'd point out sex offenders HAVE DONE SOMTHING WRONG......



for the op - if this sort of thing bothers you so much - I would advise against sleeping with people you know little about.

ellie1

Sorry if i caused offence.fixed that there. I was not implying that there was something wrong with homosexuals. Just pointing out that any good therapist would be aware of their limitations and that training to be a counsellor you learn about yourself.

LegacyUser

hot2def wrote: »

There's a nice example.

I'd point out sex offenders HAVE DONE SOMTHING WRONG......



for the op - if this sort of thing bothers you so much - I would advise against sleeping with people you know little about.

i did know him well. i did not know he was bisexual. he should have been honest

ellie1

Angela t. His sexuality aside. Get yourself tested if you are that concerned.

Your training to be a counsellor and your tutor slept with you. Whats going on here?

hot2def

angela t wrote: »

i did know him well. i did not know he was bisexual. he should have been honest

Unless you are moving into serious relationship area - I don't see that its any of your business.


Has each person you've ever slept with disclosed to you how many people they have slept with, wether they've used condoms everytime incl for oral sex, whether each person THEY,VE slept with has ever had unprotected sex, if they have ever lived in sub-saharan africa, if they have ever had an transfusion and which years it occured in?


when having sex with someone outside of a commited relationship - you should not be taking it as a given they they are clean based on their assumed sexuality.


I'm bisexual - I have only ever had homosexual sex with another woman (just the one). Statistically, *you* are more likely to carry HIV than I am. That'd be no reason for me to be hysterical if I had slept with you.

AARRRGH

The reality is you just don't know whether or not the person you're sleeping with is HIV+ unless you force them to get tested and stand next to them while they get their results.

I know a few heterosexual people who you would think were lovely, respectable, heathy types, but if you knew their sexual past like I do, you would be horrified.

For example, an old flatmate of mine acted like a shy, quiet girl in public, but as her flatmate I knew about her secret sexual escapades - picking up random men four nights of the week and having unprotected sex with them. In the two or three years I lived with her, she had hundreds of instances of unprotected sex, including a homeless man, and no doubt plenty of bisexual men. If you met this girl you'd probably think "she seems so innocent" and would not be worried if you had unprotected sex with her, when in reality you should be terrified.

So although certain groups of poeple are more likely to be HIV+ (e.g. heterosexual v homosexual) it really does depend on the person you are sleeping with.

For example, an old flatmate of mine acted like a shy, quiet girl in public, but as her flatmate I knew about her secret sexual escapades - picking up random men four nights of the week and having unprotected sex with them. In the two or three years I lived with her, she had hundreds of instances of unprotected sex, including a homeless man, and no doubt plenty of bisexual men. If you met this girl you'd probably think "she seems so innocent" and would not be worried if you had unprotected sex with her, when in reality you should be terrified.

:eek: And she didn't care about catching STIs? What is wrong with people?

OP - the fact that there is about a 1 in 300 chance of getting HIV from one encounter, plus the fact you used a condom, I'd say you're fine. If it's really bothering you why not get tested after 3 months to make sure?

Boston

angela t wrote: »

i never mentioned aids, however i did assume that someone who can sleep with men and women is more at risk of sti s. i could not have a relationship with him because i could not satisfy him full. why? because i dont have a penis

It a bit egotistical to think you can satisfy anyone fully.

The Corinthian

angela t wrote: »

i never mentioned aids, however i did assume that someone who can sleep with men and women is more at risk of sti s. i could not have a relationship with him because i could not satisfy him full. why? because i dont have a penis

Why is it that the really damaged ones always want a career in psychology?

Boston

I had wondered the same thing.

Wibbs

OK lets ease up on the "damaged" angle. It's not too helpful. Thanks.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

Why is it that the really damaged ones always want a career in psychology?

Damaged because she wants honesty. He hid his sexuality that is wrong and dishonest. Psychology is not counselling

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Damaged because she wants honesty. He hid his sexuality that is wrong and dishonest. Psychology is not counselling

Eh, how exactly did the guy "hide" his sexuality?

To be honest, the op seems fairly horrified that she slept with a bisexual man - and that's her problem. If she is not in a serious relationship with the man then his bisexuality is, frankly, irrelevant. The op also seems a bit ignorant about bisexuality. She said that she could never fully satisfy the man because she does not "have a penis". So does this mean bisexuals need both a male and female partner simultaneously to be fulfilled? Really???!!!!

Either way, she shouldn't have slept with her tutor.

smileykey

angela t wrote: »

i did assume that someone who can sleep with men and women is more at risk of sti s.

Eh....why? Just cause he has sex with both sexes doesn't mean he sleeps with a lot of people. He may have only had a few sexual encounters. ITs the people who have high risk sex with a large amount of people you have to worry about, not people who have sex with different kinds of people.

Bottle_of_Smoke

smileykey wrote: »

Eh....why? Just cause he has sex with both sexes doesn't mean he sleeps with a lot of people. He may have only had a few sexual encounters. ITs the people who have high risk sex with a large amount of people you have to worry about, not people who have sex with different kinds of people.

Not neccesarily a large amount, just the ones who have sex with people from higher rosk groups. MSM group are certainly a higher risk, just as having sex with someone from a high risk country.

The OP should get tested, in this case because she's going to worry otherwise. I don't know if she'd be just as annoyed if she found out the guy had sex with a woman from Washington DC or Nigeria but I wouldn't blame her in any of the above cases.