So unsure about being a dad

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one, would appreciate any opinions / advice.

I have 3 kids all under 8. Never really planned on having any until I met the special girl who I am still very happy with, and we discussed it and started a family.

My problem is that I am worn out trying to be everything to everyone. I had a decent childhood, though my parents separated when I was 12 and my grandad who lived with us and who I was very close to died when I was twelve. Don't have much relationship with my Da, total waster who I try keep my distance from.

Anyhow, I am so confused about raising my kids that it eats me up inside. I want to protect them from all the hurt and sadness in the world. I want to be the best Dad ever, there to sort out all their problems. Never want to see them bullied and I become almost psychotic when I think of anyone pushing them around ie, I get into a rage inside and wish I could hit any kids who do - ridiculous.

I want them to be tough and hard, and yet I am very timid and soft. I want them to be independant, and yet I tell them I love them all the time, I need to make sure they know. When I come in from work, I barely finish my dinner and I'm playing with them till bedtime, just wanting to see them happy. Problem is, it's nver enough. If I play for two hours, then they are put to bed by their mam, I'm on edge downstairs and end up going up to them as I want to make sure they know I'm around - it's madness.

I constantly worry about dying, about how they'd cope without a father. I want them to know I am SO proud of them, they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen and don't deserve to be corrupted. For f*ck sake, I worry that they'll end up in a job they don't like and have obsessive thoughts about how I could make enough for them never to have to.

The tiredness and obsessiveness is really getting to me and I am sad inside. I am just SO worried about 1) them not being aware how special they are and 2 ) that they deserve better than me and 3) that the world is so unkind that they need to be protected.

Am I crazy?

Sleepy

If you are, I am. Feel the exact same about my daughter (though she's only 5 months old)... I figured it was just part of being a parent and accepted that I'd just do my best and she can hate me for whatever I get wrong when she hits her teens and laugh with me about it when she gets to her mid twenties

[Jackass]

Sounds to me, whether you're aware of it or not you have pschological issues of your own:

Abandonment. You lost your Grandfather the same year that your parents split, at 12. The perfect childhood must have been turned upside down at this stage, through death and maybe another person leaving all of a sudden the cold bite of reality woke you up very quickly and childhood innocence went out the door with it when you realised you have to fend for yourself now to some extent.

This may also have led you to feel YOU were the cause of it, or at least YOU should have been enough to prevent it.

This is why you obsess about making your children know how special they are but also that you are there, and not going anywhere and why you think they deserve better than you.

You want to do their lives work for them now, because you know how hard it is, how fu*ked around you get, how you have to work jobs you hate and how you do things you dont want to do i.e. get up every morning for some place that treats you like sh*t, doesn't appreciate you, so that you can earn money for them.

You are taking ALL of your negative experiences in life and training them, coaching them - make them hard - but then wanting to let them know you're still there for them and you don't want the world to corrupt these innocent, pure people by them getting older. You fear death - because you don't know what they would do without you - maybe like you didn't know what to do when death took your grandfather away from you.

You sound like a really great guy, you care so much about these children and I suspect that although you don't labour on the point too much or feel sorry for yourself, you probably had a pretty tough time growing up, espicially from your teens onwards after everything that happened and you love these kids so much that you are trying to do everything in your power to change the world, just for them, so that they can have the utopia existance and never the hardship and heart ache.

I think your heart is in the right place, but look how happy you are, you've got the woman you love, the kids you adore and the worst part is trying to protect them - but despite all you've been through, if you could let that worry go - you'd be happy - and so will they.

A sheltered existance is the worst kind. Although some are unpleasant we NEED to experience the full range of emotions the world has to throw at us. You can't enjoy the sweet if you don't endure the sour. Can you ever truly appreciate somebody until you've lost somebody? Can you ever really value money unless you've gone without much money? Can you ever really appreciate how lucky you are in loving your job if you haven't shovled monkey sh*t as a teenager for 6 months of your life...in the blistering heat (personal experience!! haha ) .. Sometimes the most enjoyable outburst of laughter you will ever experience is after a heart renching outpoor of emotion and crying. I've been devistated to the point of being completely in tears before and when a friend or family member picks you up and you laugh - it is the greatest release...

There's a whole world out there - as good as your intentions are - don't be too protective, help them in every way you can, but don't shelter them from the world, let them experience and don't spoil them so that they can appreciate...after that - it's their life, and as I suspect you will, when you've done a very good job raising them, they'll love and appreciate you for it as much as you do them now.

Best of luck

Nevyn

3 kids under 8, you must both be run off your feet, but it does sound like you are starting
to suffer from parental anixiety. I would suggest that you consider taking on a parening
course and talk to your gp.

When our health is subpar as parents it can have a big knock on effect on us and on our chidlren even if it is that we are a wee bit run down, so please go see your gp.

As for the big huge, scarey and over whelming fact of how responsible we are for our
kid and the influence we have on them, I find if I think about it too much that then
you ended up creating fears and worries which will can kick of a negative cycle.

All we can do as parents is our best, once you do your best, love them, make them
feel secure and teach them what they need to know and the skills they need for life
then it is the fun silly memories that make the difference to them.

Life can be hard and we can't cushion or protect them from it all, we can teach them
right from wrong and give them the tools to help themselves or to seek out the help
that they may need.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

It is good to be aware that your insecurities from the past are still effecting you today,

Wanting to protect them is coming from your feelings of not being protected yourself, and when you see your kids its like seeing you through them, which is bringing up all kinds of feeling,

I think its important to remember that children need to experience their emotional turmoils to overcome them and you may be stopping them from learning this if you are overly protecting them, your experience is extreme with the loss you had at the age of 12, try and see the reality that your children have two loving parents, and they are safe.

Tell yourself that you are safe and your children are safe, if you think it will help see a therapist to work through any past pains, it will set you free from the past and into a new with your children,



It is sweet that you love your family so much, and sad that you are afraid- dont be your safe and happy, let go of the past, god luck.

Whynotme

First thing to remember: there is no such thing as the perfect parent! We all want to be that, perfectly natural, but everyone's idea of perfection is different so please give yourself a break. You sound like a wonderful dad and you're wife/partner and kids are very lucky.

From what you state about your childhood I think that you would benefit hugely from counselling. You had a lot to deal with and seem to still be carrying the effects. Go and speak to someone frankly about what you went through. By doing that you can leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

If you want your kids to 'toughen up', to be able to deal with all the crap out there then send them to martial arts. That will teach them how to cope in situations and also to deal with anger. You could possibly do it with them? Most importantly make sure you always talk to them, continue as you are (making time for them) but make sure you spend time with your partner. Don't make your children the be all of your life, make sure you have your own life too, have fun without them as kids grow up and move on (the yrs will fly by!).

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, thanks for your support.

Reading through my post, there's so much more I could put such as -

- worrying when playing with one that the others feel I'm leaving them out
- afraid that they might feel i love the others more
- feel bad if I play with one for 10mins and the other for 7 ! ( madness )
- if they fall, i don't expect a graze, i panic and think they've broken their arm, leg, neck, hit their heads and gonna be badly injured
- if we go out to the park, i spend so much time worrying that I get edgy and narky
- i'm always trying to give more, like if we go to cinema once we're home I feel we should play - i can never say no

I was told before that being over protective or giving too much love can make them demanding emotionally when they're older, but it's very important to me that they know, and that there is no doubt in their minds.

Anyways, would like to thank you all, I can't give the quick thanks as my user name would give me away!

Nevyn

If the worries you are having are making you edgy and cranky and having such a knock
on effect on you then you need to talk to someone about them. A distressed parent
is going to have an effect on thier kids.

http://www.parentline.ie/

Reflector

I'm not a parent but I think all these things are a natural state of mind for a father. It's a good sign and not one that goes away. You'll always worry about your kids and you just have to do the best you can. Try not to let it get to you too much though as it can be counter productive.

MissHoneyBun

It's just a pity more people don't take their parenting as seriously.
Good for you OP. Your heart's in the right place.