Real, real down today..reaching the edge

Affable

I'm stuck in my hometown again. Bad memories are being brought back to a solitary adolescence. I get sneered at twice and sniggered at the last few days by those evil faces from that time coming back to haunt me, they hear tales of whats going on with me now even though I aim for privacy, trying to make themselves feel better. There was no humanity where I grew up and I longed for elsewhere. They can't allow me one grain of dignity or happiness, because it pains them, their spirit is that mean.
Hectoring didnt cease at adolescence. People can't even be happy for anything to go right for me, for me to find a great girl, or anything.
I don't know if (Oxbridge)not gonna say which one, is worse than other places, but this is my life. I've nevr loathed a people so much.
I've started to really empathise with the disenfranchised, be it muslims who feel opressed or blacks in this country who feel victimised, as all my worst experiences have been with white middle class British people, they are the most horrible. I'm actually getting close to that ****ing jihad/taxi driver/getting a ****ing gun(easy to do i imagine) mentality, might sound a joke but I really want to make a stand sometimes, it hurts me that deep and I can't lie down any longer, why should I? if they don't want me to have dignity or happiness why should they? I went out to the back of my local pub car park on the way back home and sobbed. Rare I do that but it just hit me, memories came back.

Affable

Feel so weak right now. Like to delude myself that it's location based but it isn't. It's ****ing everywhere, and certain places on the internet, maybe not the best place to look but you aint gonna find humanity where i've been on the web, and the vulture instinct is there in people, kick him futher down and I'm not in the mood to wait any longer or ponder anything.

CDfm

You actually sound paranoid and ill.

If I was you I would make a GP appointment straight away and go nsee someone -these feelings are not normal

Affable

CDfm wrote: »

You actually sound paranoid and ill.

If I was you I would make a GP appointment straight away and go nsee someone -these feelings are not normal

They are normal when you've had the treatment I've had.
It's not paranoia, man, I know what I'm seeing. It's cruelty.

Affable

I really don't feel like waiting around. This is not a joke. If I don't take revenge I've been a coward.

Wibbs

I would agree with CDFM on these thoughts not being normal. I would also agree with you if you have been under this kind of strain for so long. Where I may not spot the sneers(and I get enough of them;)) because I've not shared your life and experience. Because of that I see less of the bad and more of the good I suppose. I also see lots of people in the same boat as me. I would put good money there's a few people you see every day that feel similar to you.

These thoughts while not normal, will be normal to you because of your past experience. Your present experience will be completely in thrall to that. Your future thoughts and life doesn't have to be though. There is a better path for you and one that you deserve. No one deserves to feel this isolated or down. Is there anyone you feel you could talk to? Someone you could trust? Someone even to unload all this on?

Wibbs

Affable wrote: »

and the vulture instinct is there in people, kick him futher down

OK this is my humble, but I reckon for the most part if not pretty much all the time the vulture instinct is because they're afraid too. They're insecure. A secure human being does not stick the boot in. When I've stuck the boot in? It was because I was insecure about something. Every. Single. Time. It was my issue not the person I was attacking.

Affable

Wibbs wrote: »

I would agree with CDFM on these thoughts not being normal. I would also agree with you if you have been under this kind of strain for so long. Where I may not spot the sneers(and I get enough of them;)) because I've not shared your life and experience. Because of that I see less of the bad and more of the good I suppose. I also see lots of people in the same boat as me. I would put good money there's a few people you see every day that feel similar to you.

These thoughts while not normal, will be normal to you because of your past experience. Your present experience will be completely in thrall to that. Your future thoughts and life doesn't have to be though. There is a better path for you and one that you deserve. No one deserves to feel this isolated or down. Is there anyone you feel you could talk to? Someone you could trust? Someone even to unload all this on?

But they are normal. People are sick towards me. They want me to suffer.
Why do you get sneers? Walking down the street derided, victimised eyes down crossing the street cos of intimidation. They should be the victim.
Who feels similar? No-one to talk to. Parents no, dont wanna unload.
freinds, aint gone none, turned em away and couldnt trust them, uni was still the peer/pack mentality and couldnt find my way to the right people.
So no, i'm alone, and have been ages. Just Iwanted it initially, but now it's gone too far and gone wrong and they love it.

Affable

Wibbs wrote: »

OK this is my humble, but I reckon for the most part if not pretty much all the time the vulture instinct is because they're afraid too. They're insecure. A secure human being does not stick the boot in. When I've stuck the boot in? It was because I was insecure about something. Every. Single. Time. It was my issue not the person I was attacking.

Exactly, so you aint any better? Who do you trust?

Anyway, the kind who sticks the boot in being vulnerable is obvious, they get real angry and lose cool and go bezerk. These guys aint like that they are just sheer cold , laughing evil.

And the other issue, is they feel they can do it to me, so I must not be strong enough? Why else would I cross the street jus cos of the memories a guy brings back? And the pain. So why not bear arms, or at least take some action to stand up for myself? I'm not interesting in 2.4 children or a saloon car, I want personal empowerment. The only goal worth having.

GigaByte

What have you done?

Affable

GigaByte wrote: »

What have you done?

What?

GigaByte

for everyone to hate you so much in your hometown

sounds rough... is a change of location an option? thoughts like these can take over someone's life and into a downward spiral. try and change as much as you can about your life i say.

ellie1

If you carry out any voilent act towards others, you will still remain in the same position except it will be worse. You will be imprisoned with other people some of whom thought taking revenge through voilence was okay. Then will you be any happier?

There is always going to be nasty, wicked people in the world who will sneer and laugh at others misfortune. And there will also be people who are kind caring, decent human beings.

You are caught up in your head and you need to talk to a counsellor.you seem to be consumed with bitterness and hate. You only live once and do you really want to continue being a victim for the rest of it. Take positive action and do yourself a favour. Living a happy and fullfilled life is always the best revenge.

Affable

GigaByte wrote: »

for everyone to hate you so much in your hometown

Had a problem with my foreskin, was mixed up and paranoid, and ambitious, trying to make things work out, dealing with horrible people and wanting badly to carve out a future for myself. Thought I was impotent and drove myself crazy tuhinking theyd never want me to be happy. Suspicious, rightly so, and isolated myself, then had the op to fix foreskin which i'd only just realised was the problem, thenn had OCD and isolated myself at uni, mainly because I became a misanthrope and formed the same habits, even though I am likeable to quite afew people, threw away the chance for connections because of those I hate. Was ostracised generally and demeaned.
It's not that I'm unattractive or untalented or anything, or that I hate everybody. But I'm so used to those who want ti to go wrong I can't focus on a modicum of good. I don't even want it anymore, I wan to be against them a lot of times. I just can;t believe I'd go out and feeling fine, and one look reminiscient of the past could have me out in a pub car park in tears.
I got bullied by a GP when I wasn;t in a great mental state at uni too and that nearly drove me a bit mad, I got violent threats form a gay guy i didn;t meet, anonymous nasty texts, (probably from an ex school person who located my no) All this happens within a short space and I'm going nuts. Then there's the odd one thats too nice and I dont like that either. I just want someon reasonable and not crazy. Back in my ol' soulless hometown now and that sucks.

GigaByte

go see a doctor

pwd

Who cares what total dickheads think? Fnck them. Refuse to allow it to effect you.
Stuff that happened when you're a kid can stick with you; it's harder to stop it from effecting you. Certain things can trigger memories and make you feel just like you did when you were a defenceless child. Being in your hometown around people who hurt you seems to be doing this to you. But realise that you're not a small child any more.

The sort of revenge you allude to would be immensely self-destructive. It wouldn't solve anything. It would justify all their actions. You would lose.

I think you feel disempowered. Channel your anger into something constructive. Success would be a far better revenge on this sort than any violence would ever be.

Affable

pwd wrote: »

Who cares what total dickheads think? Fnck them. Refuse to allow it to effect you.
Stuff that happened when you're a kid can stick with you; it's harder to stop it from effecting you. Certain things can trigger memories and make you feel just like you did when you were a defenceless child. Being in your hometown around people who hurt you seems to be doing this to you. But realise that you're not a small child any more.

The sort of revenge you allude to would be immensely self-destructive. It wouldn't solve anything. It would justify all their actions. You would lose.

I think you feel disempowered. Channel your anger into something constructive. Success would be a far better revenge on this sort than any violence would ever be.

It seemed like the absence of humanity was so great. I'm leftg wondering is it a specific location/culture thing, or is that just school?
I dont mind a bit of bullying, i can take abrasiveness and can be that way, but it's the sheer relentless desire for me to never find happiness i can sense on them, and that is sinister.

Beruthiel

Affable
You badly need to find a professional you are comfortable with and discuss these problems.
They are not normal and I do not think it is within our power to help you as we are not professionals.
Please go talk to a professional.