Friend's behavior

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have a question I hope someone could offer some advice on.
I have a friend who I think shows little loyalty to his girlfriend. We are both 22 year old guys and have known each other since about the time of our leaving certs together. For the last 2 years or so, my friend has been going out with a girl and they obviously spend a lot of time together, etc. My problem is though, that he cheats on her. A lot. In the two years they have been going out, I know of at least 3 times where he has slept with other girls, and countless times where he has kissed and chanced his luck to bed them. When we go on nights out with his girlfriend, he covertly says to me that he wishes his gf was not there so he could try chatting up other women. He even chanced his luck with a good (girl) friend of mine recently when we went to a concert in Dublin. Am I the only one here who thinks his behavior is awful? I cannot understand how he can behave like he does while claiming to love his girlfriend. I know his girlfriend only through him, but she is a great girl who idolizes him, and I often hate how she is being made a fool of. Despite all of this, my friend is a good one in every other way- he is sensible, intelligent and would do anything for you. I obviously cannot tell his girlfriend because it would cause too much damage, and I feel that asking him to consider his behavior is like banging my head off a brick wall. My question is, do I even do anything, or am I just a nosy, interfering old hen who should mind his own business?

Diddler82

I'm sure you're gonna get a lot of mixed opinions on this and maybe one or two people saying you should tell his Girlfriend etc but I'm gonna be as realistic as I can.

One thing I just to be clear on - do you fancy his girlfriend or this other good (girl) friend if you do then there is something more to this, if not well then fair enough!

If I were you I would just say nothing, maybe ask him why he still has a girlfriend yet is always unfaithful, just so you can get your head around it? Other than that I would leave him be. Sounds like of these guys who always has to have a girlfriend or someone to fall back on who he likes but basically uses for the quiet nights in, regular sex and basically to keep his self esteem issues at bay.

Keep out of it, these people only sometimes learn but it will probably be the same even when he gets married. Unfortunately not everyone has good morals or even a consciouns! Your intentions are good and I can see where you are coming from but its not gonna change.

LegacyUser

No, I don't fancy my friends girlfriend or the other girl I mentioned in the post. Im just friends with them

TheZohanS

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is, do I even do anything, or am I just a nosy, interfering old hen who should mind his own business?

It's absolutely none of your business, stay out of it.

LegacyUser

I think you should ask him why he does it.... Be blunt and say you dont understand why, and suggest that he finishes with the girlfriend if he cannot be faithful to her - say it makes you uncomfortable and let him know his behaviour does not sit well with you.... I think sometimes people consider bad behaviour ok when nobody speaks up about it.... I was in a similar position with my best friend - she was hooking up with other guys too (behind her BFs back) and I straight out said I would have nothing to do with her if she continued... I could not condone what she was doing and despise that type of behaviour in anyone.... You sound like a good guy, your words might make him do the right thing (break up the GF...)

kev_s88

i have a friend who is pretty much the exact same...claims he loves his GF but, as you said, only uses her for quiet nights in...although he's never cheated on her, he flirts with everyone to the extent that you'd think he'd never had a GF and was so desperate, its still a bad situation to be in as a friend looking in from the outside...i often think that maybe he just needs to be caught out and have his shit put in place for him and hopefully he'll get some sense...but as another reply said, not everyone has good morals or a conscience, some people are just not nice people when it comes to matters like this

iguana

TheZohan wrote: »

It's absolutely none of your business, stay out of it.

But it is is his business if the situation is making him uncomfortable.

OP I'd explain to your friend that this is making you uncomfortable around his girlfriend. So you'd like it if he could either leave you in the dark by not cheating when he's with you or otherwise you'd prefer not to be around his girlfriend. It is possible that he's very immature and feels like "the man" by showing off how much he can pull, while still having a loving girlfriend. If he thought his friends were far from impressed it might actually make him reconsider his actions.

shellyboo

iguana wrote: »

But it is is his business if the situation is making him uncomfortable.
OP I'd explain to your friend that this is making you uncomfortable around his girlfriend. So you'd like it if he could either leave you in the dark by not cheating when he's with you or otherwise you'd prefer not to be around his girlfriend. It is possible that he's very immature and feels like "the man" by showing off how much he can pull, while still having a loving girlfriend. If he thought his friends were far from impressed it might actually make him reconsider his actions.

Good advice. It's not your place to tell the gf or ask him to stop - but you can ask that he makes it as easy on you as possible, by either keeping you in the dark about his cheating, or limiting your contact with the gf.

I'd make it clear to him that if his gf ever asks you about his behaviour, you're not going to lie for him. Ask him not to put you in a position where you'll have to rat him out. His self-preservation instinct should kick in pretty sharpish.

cantdecide

Give your mate total ******* hell over it permanently. You can always say that you won't lie for him. Tell him that if asked straight out, you won't lie...

You seem to know already that it's not your place to interfere directly and that's a very good stance to maintain...

pookie82

iguana wrote: »

But it is is his business if the situation is making him uncomfortable.

OP I'd explain to your friend that this is making you uncomfortable around his girlfriend. So you'd like it if he could either leave you in the dark by not cheating when he's with you or otherwise you'd prefer not to be around his girlfriend. It is possible that he's very immature and feels like "the man" by showing off how much he can pull, while still having a loving girlfriend. If he thought his friends were far from impressed it might actually make him reconsider his actions.

This is good advice. This guy sounds like he's a bit of a lad's lad, looking for attention from females of every variety despite having a loving and loyal girlfriend at home, and if he's as comfortable making it that obvious around you he clearly thinks it's an impressive feat. You might not be able to change his mind on doing the dirt but you can vehemently object to being party to it. Tell him that as a decent human being you cannot face his girlfriend on a regular basis knowing that the night beforehand you saw him get off with someone else. Maybe remind him that he's onto a good thing at home and tell him he's foolish to risk it (though on second thoughts this might make him think you like her). I wouldn't go as far as telling her - it may well be the case that she has an inkling (girls in relationships like this often do but say nothing in an effort to block it out and pretend all is well) but isn't prepared to confront it.

But I'd defintely make it clear, as the others have said, that if push ever comes to shove and she confronts you about it, you won't lie on his behalf. At least you'll know you've done all you can without stepping in and ruining the relationship.

t-ha

Ask him if he's strapping up - if he's not then you should tell him you're gonna tell her.

Overheal

If you really want her to know, there are ways. Snap a picture of him cheating on her and I am sure you can find a crafty way to get that to her.

As for trying to get with your other friend you should have warned her outright that he was no good. Same way I wouldn't let any of my friend's get with someone I knew was a chronic cheater. Its his business, but if you are uncomfortable about it, either piss or get off the pot: do something or quit hanging out with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. I guess all I can really do is just make my objections known to my friend (im positve it will NO influence on him). I know I kinda have to stay out of something thats none of my business, but still that doesnt stop me feeling bad about the situation