Unusual One

LegacyUser

Tomorrow I have a rather large exam. I can't study. I will sit down. Attempt to start. Nothing comes out. This has been going on since 8pm. My results at Christmas were class topping to the point that they want me to come back and lecture when I finish. At the moment, my results in both continual assessment and in class exams have dropped dramatically.

My emotions are, bar a couple of years of depression, unstable. In a two hour period, I can bang out elation, depression, anger and apathy in extremes. There is a history of undocumented depression in my family which affected my mother and grandmother.

The biggest kick back from all this is that my procrastination coupled with this fast cycling of emotions means I cannot physically sit down and do... anything beyond work on non-consequential projects. Anything which contributes positively to my life I abandon.

Just this week, I blew a major four figure sum by dropping the ball on a project by being unable to send in the final completed item by the deadline after extending it three times despite the fact the project was finished.

I'm currently working part time in a job which I enjoy, and realise I am incredibly lucky to have, and slowly I'm beginning to saboutage that, despite the fact that in the three months on the job, I've never been late and have arrived early every day.

I am, no ego involved, talented in almost extreme measures, despite this, I cannot ever pull my life together or get control of emotions sufficiently to do anything productive in my life.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in similar circumstances. Suggestions welcome.

LegacyUser

For what it's worth, I'll suggest that perhaps you're a perfectionist and that it is this that, to some extent, causes you to procrastinate. "If I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it..."

I wish you all the best with your exam. I won't offer empty platitudes like telling you you'll fly it, but I hope you do! A good night's sleep is probably the best you can do for yourself right now, and address your other issues when you've your exam out of the way x x

Overheal

Definitely arrange an appointment with your college counselor tomorrow. Call their office or email them. Sucks you left this problem till the night before your exam

Does this have much to do with the high expectations of you? Don't worry man. Not just anyone gets a comment like Come and Teach With Us. That attitude won't change if you stress one test: You're still there, the intelleigence and wit, even if it doesn't all make it on to the paper tomorrow. That offer will still be there either way. Relax You've already been recognised.

LegacyUser

I just don't get it. I don't get this constant cycling of emotions, or their strength. I mean... read my posts, I don't exactly sound like someone who's utterly lost and yet sometimes I find myself just staring at the mirror aghast at how calm I look on the outside compared to what's going on on the inside.

How can you rapid fire between extreme anger, depression, elation, determination and so forth in a couple of hours? Reminds me of that scene in Scrubs where a pregnant Jordan turns to Cox and says "you try going from being incredibly horny to depressed ten times a day" and Cox says "please, I could knock that out on the way to work".

nobodythere

Most people are chronic procrastinators (sp?) in this side of the world! Yoga/meditation worked for me (from the Yoga sutras "Yoga is the intentional stopping of the spontaneous fluctuations of the mind"), but it takes a while for it to take effect. PM me if you want more info.

LegacyUser

People who are incredibly talented tend to be borderline insane (not suggesting you are). There are endless sayings regarding that.They usually cycle through manic depressiveness, mad happiness etc. Extremes of emotion. At least you are aware of a family background of it, even if it is undocumented.Look at Beethoven, Einstein, Stephen Fry......functioning in the real world tends to be a problem. I'm not suggesting you're a genius (maybe you are?!!) but if you are incredibly talented, then this is probably part of the problem.
Go speak to a counsellor. You probably will never cure it but you can learn how to manage it so it's not impacting your life as much. Porbably a cognitive behavioural counsellor would be better, as you would learn to manage your thoughts and emotions better.

liah

I'd like to suggest you watch Stephen Fry's documentary on bipolar disorder, The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. You can find it on youtube in parts-- first one is here.

As you probably know, Stephen Fry is an absolutely brilliant man and talented in a ridiculous amount of ways-- truly a beautiful mind and a beautiful person. He is also severely afflicted by bipolar disorder in an at times crippling way. From reading your post, it sounds like that may be what it is.

Go to a doctor or counsellor and see what they have to say about it, and then make up your own decision regarding medication if that is indeed what you have. It can be helped.