Motivation & Temper

LegacyUser

The past 6 to 8 months or so i seem to have lost my motivation to do anything. I find it really hard to get up in the morning to go to work and when i come home i find it hard to do anything other then eat and sit on the sofa either on the internet or in front of the tv. At the weekends i do like to go out at least one night, but on that night i tend to get very very drunk, which then ruins the possibility of doing anything the next day. In fact the only thing i actually seem to have any motivation to do is to get all dressed up for that one night out, but again my friends seemed to have lost interest in this and tend to suggest going to more casual places so we dont have to make the effort.
Because i have no motivation, my home has become quite messy, it looks like a 19 year old male student house. My flat mate is up to her eyes with college work and i can see why she is letting it stay this way, while she stays up for hours on end every night doing college work and i sit around doing nothing and creating more of the mess then her, why should she be the one to clean it up. We are very good friends, and tidyness was never her priority either, but i know its getting to her and she just doesnt want to say anything cos she knows im not in the best place.
My temper also seems to have been affected by this. Its worse with my family, i find myself snapping very easily at them, finding reasons for arguments when i am home. I go home once a week to see them, but i find myself not really speaking to them as much in between visits. I have always been very close to my family, so this is very unusual. Also pretty much as soon as i moved out i stopped arguing with my parents at all.....there was no reason to as we only argued over the small irritating things that come with being a grown adult living at home. I was also always very close to my sister, we have always fought but never really very seriously. She is not very mature and i know she has taken advantage of me over the years money wise, she never has had a job and is nearly 22 years old and i have spent i dont know how much money on her over the years. This always bothered me, but it was worth it to spend the time with her ie taking her out on a night out, out for dinner etc and making sure that she always had money for gifts for other family members for special occasions to keep the peace. But again in the past 6-8 months its like i can no longer put up with it. i get really angry at her all the time especially over money and how she takes advantage of my parents, but it just seems the more i push her away the closer she seems to be getting to my mum (which dont get me wrong is a great thing, but i wish it wasnt happening at the same time that my relationship with them is getting worse)
Ive managed to hold my temper back from alienating any of my friends (for the moment) But i do find myself doing an awful lot of b*tching about a lot of them, one in particular, to my flatmate. I get angry at them in my head and it seems to be building up inside me! I love my friends, and they have been there for me in the past, but the one it seems to be worst with, i always feel this air of judgment anytime i talk to her about anything, like she thinks everything i do is pathetic or silly (its not only me who feels this way with her, i have other friends who have confided the same), but despite this, i know she would be there for me through anything despite the judgement.
On top of that i really hate my job, i used to adore it but over the past year due to a change in atmosphere, management and a colleague who started around that time, i have grown to dread going into work and hate every second i am in there. I only have the motivation to do just what i have to to get me through the day.
I am quitting to go travelling in a few months (have to stay for that few months to save enough money) but they seem to be dragging by....every second in there feels like hours and by the end of the day i just feel worse then i did before. I am also slightly worried that going travelling is running away from the problems, but i dont have mch of a choice, i cant stay in my job and its not very likely i will find another one here.
I have spoken to my GP about this, but played it down an awful lot. Despite the fact i played it down he still took it quite seriously, spoke of depression and the possibilities of seeing a counsellor, but he seems to think an lot of my problems will go away when i leave my job, unless (in his words) there could be some other cause that i am not telling him.
I know there is another cause, problems from a previous abusive relationship, but the problem is a cant talk about it, not to him or anyone, which is why i see little point in wasting my money seeing a counsellor about it. I havent let go of the things that happened, but im not ready to let go of it or talk about it either. I know it affects any relationships i have now and in the future, desperate to have someone but so scared of rejection that i keep everything casual, at a distance to avoid getting hurt.

I know this is really long, i didn't intend it to be that way, i guess i just needed to get it written down. But mainly i was looking for a bit of advice....is travelling running away from my problems or can it help to get some perspective? How do i get through the next few months until i can go away and leave my job? How do i get more motivation in everyday life until i go? And how do i stop being so irritable with the people who are closest to me?

Overheal

You can start but not pulling punches with your doctor and let him know exactly how you feel. You can print this out, or write a similar catharsis and show it to him if you like. It needs to be shown to him and/or a counselor. And do it sooner rather than later, because as you say your sanity might not last to the holidays Don't worry about spending a bit of money on counseling - you'd spend money to see a doctor if you had a chest infection wouldn't you? Or a broken ankle? Put some faith into counseling, and trust them with your confidence a little bit. I found it hard to at first but the counselor saw right through it too, started talking about herself for 5 minutes and that really made the whole experience a lot easier. Its their job to place you in a safe and comfortable environment.

Snowie

Hey Op

what happened before 6 to 8 months ago did you brake up with some one ?

So you sit around all day after work doing nothing at all ?
Do you do any sports?

You sound BOARD, serously is it any wonder you sound faustrated angry, etc ?

another thing cleen your apartment up it'le give you a sence of satisfaction, air the place out cleen the dihs mop the floor cleen out the fridge open a few windos cleen the bathroom... try it ule feel much better after it then go for a walk 10 minite walk an hour walk dont think about anything instred listen to ,music.

then walk back into your apart ment and notice wow its cleen ....
and youle feel 20 times better...

In work you hate the place but at least you have a job,( I dont) how ever yesterday my self and my old man build a wall out the front of the house been on the cards for age's gave me a huge sence of satisfaction. Ive got to finsih it of today my point being you need to see the sence of acomplashment with in your actions at work not the negitive sence so if you have a tough client who bake's your noodel but you calmed him down and he payed, there's your sence of satistaction. Their all aorunfd you clkeening your apartment getting your jobs done in work...

I was the same as you for a long time, my counciler gave me a weekly routa from say 9 in the morning to 8 at night at the start i had trouble using it after a while it became easy i became more motivated I did what was on the sheet.... that I wrote down... its a really good way to get the motivation back...

Remember you can stay wher eyou are all faustrated, board, unhappy not giveing a rats...

LegacyUser

I know someone who was in similiar boat to you.
I didn't really notice much just that he was short tempered and flipped over the silliest of things,it really upset me as I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. It all came to a head when he flipped out over a computer game - i bet his top score. He became nasty - in the verbal sense not physical. I walked out. A few days later he sat me down and told me he was feeling the exact way you were, unmotivated, angry, just generally down.
He went to the doctor and told him EXACTLY how he felt, the doctor gave him a sheet to mark on a scale of 1 to 5, when he did mark it it showed that he was slightly depressed. The doc gave him some tablets, to be honest he probably didn't need them it was the fact he was working nights and that his social life was during the day when everyone else was at work. Quite simply he was bored. He began setting out a routine, going to the gym, cooking proper dinners, going for a cycle, things to keep him occupied. About 3 months later he was better. He does still have down times but then he just busies himself and it goes away. You seriously need to be frank with your GP, you don't need to feel like this. If you can speak to a family member, they can help you through it and it's great to have someone to talk to.
Good Luck

LegacyUser

OP here again! I understand what people are saying about me being honest with my GP, but i cant, i cant bring myself to say the stuff out load to anyone. even if i was to bring this post printed with me i know i wouldnt be able to give it to him. Its hard to explain, but evn just mentioning it in passing is a huge step for me.

"what happened before 6 to 8 months ago did you brake up with some one ?

So you sit around all day after work doing nothing at all ?
Do you do any sports?"

Nothing happened 6-8 months ago that i can think of, no relationship break up or anything of the kind, i just really started hating where i work.
Everyday after work all i can do is sit on the couch and watch tv and be on the internet, except one day a week when i do play on a sports team, only thing to get me out of the house midweek, and even that i dont enjoy it like used to, i only go so as not to let the team down.

"another thing cleen your apartment up it'le give you a sence of satisfaction, air the place out cleen the dihs mop the floor cleen out the fridge open a few windos cleen the bathroom."

I have done that 2 or 3 times over the past 6 months, but it doesnt make me feel any better, and within a week its back to the way it was. I dont get any pleasure in my space being clean around me, i have never been a particulalry tidy person....but never have i been anywhere close to letting things around me get this bad.

I try to get stuff done, but one way or another i always just find myself in the same spot on my sofa, and on weekends spending as long as i can in bed!

"Put some faith into counseling, and trust them with your confidence a little bit."

I dont have any faith in counseling or trust or confindence in anyone else. It is very easy to just say go and do it, but not so easy to do. I dont want to tell my family because there are 2 things that could happen, it will worry them so they wont want me to go away, or they will dismiss it as me being melodramatic.

I know i dont really seem open to help or change now, but this is all part of how im feeling, and i dont see it getting any better until i do go away, and im kinda putting all my hope into that!

LegacyUser

Hiya...
I'm going through the exact same thing as you...
I went to my GP and played it down as well for fear he would give me 'happy pills'...
I couldn't talk to him about the real issue which has been in my head for the past 18 months or so...I did go to a councellor but I didn't find that I got much benefit out of it...I still feel the same.... In one way I felt that my GP read through me but I just can't come to terms with whats going on...It's affecting my whole life at the minute...no motivation to do anything, behind at college, don't want to get up in the morning...I'm just so fed up...

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont have any faith in counseling or trust or confindence in anyone else. It is very easy to just say go and do it, but not so easy to do. I dont want to tell my family because there are 2 things that could happen, it will worry them so they wont want me to go away, or they will dismiss it as me being melodramatic.

I know i dont really seem open to help or change now, but this is all part of how im feeling, and i dont see it getting any better until i do go away, and im kinda putting all my hope into that!

Well if you're to get the real help needed, which is not here on the internet, that will have to be remedied first.

I used to be the same way. My parents divorced, there was hitting involved and I clammed up about it. Court psychologist took me on for a session and all I would talk about was his collection of legos and pass off any question he threw at me. Few years later another shrink when I started falling apart at school. Again, no progress (her pet rock was far more interesting), and a few years later after I got expelled, until eventually the parents just put no faith in it (my Dad too thought it was being melodramatic). I couldn't trust a stranger. Obviously I thought the parents would end up hearing anything I said.

So I had to find other ways to cope through Secondary School and finally when I was out on my own and there was free confidential college services available to me I just took the chance knowing it would never get back to anyone. I ended up talking a hell of a spell for 2 sessions. Both ran over time.

Definitely not easy to walk up to a stranger and trust them with your secrets, no. Its something I had to work on over time. Over years I started out with a journal, but then my worst fears were met and those would get 'misplaced' or go missing, so I stopped that, and just got comfortable with ranting in my own head and imagining as though I was actually being heard by a counselor or someone, which did eventually make things much easier when I finally went.

Even if you don't write it here, or anywhere else for that matter, I would suggest getting comfortable forming your worries tangibly in your own head. Putting them to structured word and sentence does a lot to tidy up your feelings about them, helps you to understand them more rationally.